“Range of failings” by UCL Report+Support likely worsened mental health of one student, complaints body finds
Ombudsman “not satisfied” UCL apology enough to address “scale and significance” of failure and impact
Damning verdict adds to litany of scandals displaying an established pattern of negligence and indifference
IN PICTURES · 19 Nov
Issue 89 · January 2025
Issue 89 · January 2025
Read it in colour online!
ACTIVISM
Around hundred attend vigil for UCL alumni killed by Israel · P5
ESTATES
Patient 'shivering' in UCL mental health clinic · P7
INT'L STUDENTS
Cold UCL advisor tells student to leave the UK within 24 hours · P8
HALLS
Tech bros break into Halls to promote app · P11
VOICES
How UCL enables a culture of classism by Rhi Skelhorn · P17
SOC BITCH
The juicy drama in Drama Soc... and more · P18
REP ELECTION · 27 Oct
Apathy ensues at UCL Union as the 2024 Rep Elections drew to a close with the lowest voter turnout in three years and 60% of roles vacant or uncontested, wrote Seth Harris.
ESTATES · 27 Oct
For the first time in its 122-year history, the IOE has named a room after a woman following a “torturous” renaming process that took five years, Robert Delaney reported from the new Punnett Hall.
HALLS · 11 Nov
The University was forced to apologise to students after a video showing a live worm on a plate of food and a picture of a rotting tangerine went viral in Ramsay Hall, Nick Miao reported
ACTIVISM · 17 Nov
UCL has agreed to review its investment porfolio after repeated calls from student activists to cut ties and divest in companies deemed complicit in Israeli war crimes in Palestine, wrote Rhi Skelhorn.
Every story on the recap was featured in our digital newsletter, the Digestive. Scan the QR code to have a fortnightly roundup of campus news, satire, and student discourse delivered to your inbox every other Monday during term time.
UNION · 24 Nov
Union President Goksu Danaci returned from the UN climate summit in Azerbaijan but admitted she “didn’t feel too comfortable” at her “first and likely last” COP conference, Nick Miao reported.
CRIME · 21 Nov
An investigation revealed a widespread scam targeting UCL students on society group chats with fake tickets to hotly anticipated gigs such as Sabrina Carpenter’s O2 concert, Lola Davies reported.
INT'L STUDENTS · 7 Dec
A BBC investigation revealed universities across the UK were prioritising higher tuition fees from international students over sufficient English language skills, wrote Lucy Reade.
For you keen beans out there wishing to impress no one at parties with how closely you follow what’s happening at UCL, be sure to tune into our weekly radio talk show Grater Insight on Rare FM every Friday from 8pm. Listen live on rarefm. co.uk or check out past episodes at cheesegratermagazine.org/newsletter
The Cheese Grater holds itself to the highest standards set out in the IPSO Editor’s Code of Practice. If you spot a mistake or wish to complain, email our editors at editor@cheesegrater magazine.org or write to The Cheese Grater Magazine Society, Students Activites Reception, 2/F Bloomsbury Theatre, 15 Gordon Street, London WC1 0AH
The carbon cost of the Union's overseas engagements will be equivalent to burning over 18 barrels of crude oil
By Nick Miao Editor-in-Chief
SABBATICAL OFFICERS at the Students’ Union will collectively travel at least 18,500 miles on international trips by the end of this academic year, The Cheese Grater can reveal.
Their travels so far include the US, Azerbaijan, and Northern Ireland, with at least five more planned trips to Hungary, Slovakia, Czechia, Poland, Sweden, and Portugal.
Assuming they are flying in economy class on all these visits, the sabbs are expected to rack up 8.03 tonnes of carbon dioxide by the end of their term, equivalent to 18.6 barrels of oil consumed.
Asked whether these trips are good value for the carbon cost, Activities Officer Ana Boikova (inset) said: “The whole point of them is for us to network with other sabbatical officers... and look at what we can bring back.”
She pointed to the Student Life Strategy as an example of a policy “loosely based” on ideas from previous visits to the Association of College Unions International.
Boikova and Education Officer Shaban Chaudhary’s 6,500-mile round trip to the ACUI Conference in Boston last November had the highest carbon cost of all, coming to 2.11 tonnes of CO2 per sabb. Following closely in their carbon footsteps is Union President Goksu Danaci, whose 5,000-mile round trip to Azerbaijan for COP29 accumulated 1.60 tonnes of CO2.
Danaci previously struggled to defend the carbon cost of the trip when she admitted she “didn’t feel too comfortable” at the UN climate summit owing to the “limitations” of her role.
It has also seen the President miss a number of important meetings back home, having been absent for both votes that were put to Union Executive so far this academic year.
But Boikova will retain the title of the biggest globetrotting sabb when she
embarks on a five-day “study tour” to Hungary, Slovakia, Czechia, and Poland this month alongside a number of UK students’ unions.
While she claimed that “trips in Europe aren’t that expensive”, the tour will add half a tonne to the Activities Officer’s carbon footprint and bring her to a total of 2.64 tonnes of CO2 - equivalent to just over six barrels of oil consumed.
Other sabbs are also set to make their mark on the world map, with Welfare Officer Rachel Lim to visit Stockholm from 24-25 February and Postgraduate Officer Darcy Lan to likewise spend two days in Lisbon from 21-22 April.
It leaves Equity and Inclusion Officer Eda Yildirimkaya as the only sabb with no planned trips outside of the UK, although she is scheduled to visit Belfast next month as part of the Union’s Impartial Chairs programme.
It comes as Prime Minister Keir Starmer was under fire in recent months for his frequent overseas visits, racking up over 75,000 air miles since he entered Downing Street in July.
Air travel accounted for 2.5% of global carbon emissions, but studies have shown non-carbon climate impacts of aviation
18.6
barrels of crude oil
Carbo� cost of t�e U�io�’s overseas travels i� 2024/25
were responsible for at least 4% of global warming to date.
2024 was not only the hottest year since records began, it was also the first time global average temperatures broke the 1.5°C warning limit set by world leaders over a decade ago.
The world is now 1.6°C warmer than the pre-industrial average, according to new data from EU climate scientists.
A Union spokesperson said: “Sabbatical officers and students’ union staff are often to required to attend conferences, visit universities and students’ unions, and deliver programmes of work away from campus.
“Occasionally, undertaking this work includes overseas travel which is arranged in line with the UCL Travel Policy for Staff and Students based in the UK.
“We have ambitions to be a truly global students’ union and an excellent student-led organisation making impact for our members – engaging with organisations across the world, including occasional visits and exchanges, is an important part of our work and these trips are carefully planned and executed to ensure the maximum benefit for members.
l The Editor’s View, p14
President Danaci refused to say whether she thinks the move is consistent with the Union's sustainability policy
By Nick Miao Editor-in-Chief
THE STUDENTS’ Union has resumed banking with Barclays almost as soon as a policy prohibiting the move expired.
The policy, which lapsed in October 2023, argued that the Union should not bank with Barclays because of its complicity in the climate crisis via its vast investments in fossil fuels.
But Finance Committee minutes seen by The Cheese Grater reveal the Union had begun moving some of its cash back to Barclays as early as November 2023 after concerns were raised about the financial stability of Metro Bank.
It admitted: “There would be some reputational risks associated with students and stakeholders viewing the use of Barclays as not being consistent with the Union’s sustainability policy.”
However, the Committee also noted the “importance of looking after the financial sustainability of the Union first and then looking at the ethical sustainability of the providers.”
The Union began withdrawing cash from its Metro Bank account after a panic caused its share price to collapse in September 2023.
According to minutes, the move back to Barclays was intended as an “emergency interim measure” while private auditors hired by the Union explored other options.
But they concluded by April that sticking with Barclays for operational banking was the “most appropriate course of action” to protect the Union’s financial interests.
Auditors considered a total of 45 banks, only 11 of which were accepting current account applications from charities like the Union. Of those, just eight were deemed to have met its credit rating and sustainability criteria.
It is unclear how the auditors landed on Barclays of the eight options considered safe or why the Union acted on the advice despite its constitutional commitment to sustainability and ethical practices.
“Shut up and take my money!”
The British bank was named the largest funder of oil and gas in Europe for eight years in a row, having invested a total of $235bn (£187bn) in the likes of Shell and ExxonMobil between 2016 and 2023.
It was additionally accused of “ bankrolling genocide” by pro-Palestine activists who revealed the bank held £2bn in shares and provided a further £6.1bn in loans to nine defence companies whose weapons are currently being used in Palestine.
Last October, pro-Palestine student activists stormed a UCL careers fair to protest the University’s ties to Barclays and forced the bank to pack up early.
While a “reactive comms plan” was suggested to explain why the Union was still banking with Barclays, no statement has been made on the decision by press time.
Asked whether she thinks the Union acted dishonestly in failing to properly communicate the decision to students, Union President Goksu Danaci (inset) said: “I don't think I am trying to hide anything and I don't think that’s the Union’s position either.”
erTree on the recommendation of the Sustainability Officer to explore alternative banking options.
But the President has refused to say whether she thinks the new arrangements were consistent with the Union’s constitutional commitment to sustainability and ethical practices.
A Union spokesperson said: “We are strongly committed to ethical operations and investments, leading the way in the sector on sustainability for Students’ Unions including leading a national programme of work to decarbonise students’ union supply chains.
“Whilst the majority of students’ union funds are not held with Barclays, we are committed to find a suitable replacement for our current account and money deposit arrangements.
“Our Treasury Policy commits us to review our banking institutions and in January 2025 a review will be undertaken by MotherTree, a specialist organisation whose mission is to empower businesses and their employees to save carbon, money, and the planet.
She said the Union recently met the environmental consultancy firm Moth-
“The report with their recommendations will be presented to the Finance Committee in March 2025.”
l The Editor’s View, p14
THE PRESIDENT and Provost’s reign was extended to 2031 by unanimous approval of the University’s highest decision-making body last month.
Dr Michael Spence (inset), 62, replaced Sir Michael Arthur as UCL Provost in 2021. The decision will see him remain in the post until at least August 2031.
Spence previously served as Vice-Chancellor at the University of Sydney where he faced a vote of no confidence by the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences following accusations that he had blown the university’s budget on extravagant building projects, resulting in 340 staff cuts.
The Chair of UCL’s Council Victor Chu said: “[Dr Spence] has demonstrated exemplary leadership which I know will continue at this important time for the sector and as we head towards our bicentennial year.”
But what has this “exemplary leadership” looked like in the past three years, and what does the future hold for UCL?
The Stonewall scandal
One of Spence’s first acts as UCL Provost was to pick a fight with the LGBTQ+ community.
In 2021, his decision to withdraw
By Roshni Ray
LARGE CROWDS gathered on the Main Quad last month to mark the death anniversary of a UCL alumnus killed by Israel.
Dr Refaat Alareer, who studied at UCL in 2007 and taught English literature at the Islamic University of Gaza, was killed last year by an Israeli airstrike.
Davies
UCL from Stonewall, a UK-based LGBTQ+ rights charity and the largest of its kind in Europe, amassed significant opposition from students and staff.
He said at the time that the University’s membership to Stonewall limited academic freedom of expression on sex and gender identity.
But readers may be forgiven for thinking UCL’s departure had a distinctly TERF-y flavour, given the rest of the Provost’s questionable extracurricular ties.
Earlier this year, The Cheese Grater reported on Spence’s role as trustee of the Christian missionary group Mercy Ships, whose code of conduct prohibits all forms of “sexual immorality”, including extramarital sex and homosexuality.
While he was Vice-Chancellor at Sydney, Spence also refused to publicly support the Australian government’s same-sex marriage bill in 2017.
Back in Sydney, Spence was accused of blowing the university’s budget on vanity projects, including a AUD$385m (£256m, inflation adjusted) obesity research centre, resulting in 340 job losses.
It seems the Provost is keen to make a similar mark on UCL. His tenure had seen almost endless staff strikes over pay
A vigil organised by UCL Stands for Justice, the group behind the pro-Palestine encampment on the Quad last summer, was held on 6 December on the anniversary of Dr Alareer’s death.
Haya, President of the SOAS Palestine Society, said: “We're here to honour the martyrs because that's our responsibility.
“I'm still allowed to continue my studies but thousands of Palestinian students were either murdered or unable to graduate because of what's going on.”
Over 45,000 Palestinians have been killed in Israel’s onslaught on Gaza since the October 7 attacks, including at least 140 journalists and 120 academics.
Vigil organisers criticised UCL’s continued refusal to issue a statement acknowledging the murder of the late literary scholar.
and conditions, all the while embarking on shiny infrastructure projects, including the £483m UCL East campus and an as-yet-undisclosed amount on the Main Quad redevelopment ahead of UCL’s 200th anniversary in 2026.
Plans for the Bicentenary celebrations include the eviction of UCL’s much loved Art Museum and the year-long closure of the Main Quad and the Cloisters until January 2026... that is, if nothing goes wrong.
Most recently, the Provost’s declared love of free speech, despite his “Disagreeing Well” crusade, did not appear to line up with his actions when it came to Israeli war crimes in Palestine.
Last summer, Spence faced heavy criticism for the treatment of student activists who maintained a 100-days-long encampment protesting UCL’s complicity in Israel’s continued assault on Palestine. Alongside a myriad of other ways in which UCL failed to protect its contracted security staff in the past, the Provost also sat idly as the University’s security subcontractor cracked down on small acts of solidarity by security staff working at the pro-Palestine encampment.
The Provost was revealed to be the third-highest paid university boss in the UK earlier this year, earning £509,849 in 2022-23.
But it is hard to see exactly what work he is doing which justifies his huge wage. While UCL was named the Sunday Times University of the Year in 2024, its place in the Times Higher Education world ranking fell from 16th to 22nd since Spence became Provost.
Alas, the defining feature of this University administration is mediocrity.
They said the University’s ongoing review of investments was a welcome sign but remained sceptical of its outcome.
Egyptian journalist Rahma Zein urged attendees to channel their outrage into action.
She said: “This hurt should fuel you because that’s the only way to reach your goal.”
She called for defying inaction and told attendees not to wait for institutions like UCL to fulfill their moral duty.
A UCL spokesperson said: “The ongoing violence and suffering in Gaza and Israel is terribly distressing and we recognise the deep impact it has had on UCL’s community, many of whom are directly affected and greatly concerned. We continue to work to support all those affected by this.”
By Robert Delaney Editor-in-Chief
THE YEAR-LONG closure of the Main Quad began leaving key questions over disruptions, costings, and contingency plans unanswered.
From this month until at least January 2026, the Main Quad and Cloisters will be closed to students and visitors as the University embarks on a major overhaul of the spaces to deliver what it calls a “physically inclusive environment” with accessibility at the heart of the project.
However, it leaves key questions unanswered about the renovation’s cost - yet to be revealed to the public - and contingency plans in the prospect that the project runs past its deadline.
At the last Union Executive meeting in December, Sports Officer Jack Sibeon asked whether the Union or UCL had contingency plans in place in case of a delay in the reopening of the Quad.
Union President Goksu Danaci assured that such a failure was “not possible” before being cut off by Activities & Engagement Officer Ana Boikova who said it was “UCL’s job” to ensure it doesn’t happen.
She added: “From our perspective it’s only for clubs and societies... they [UCL] have mitigations in place if it runs over... that would have been accounted for.”
But she did not share details of these contingency measures. Both the President and the Activities Officer sit on the UCL200 steering committee in charge of overseeing the works.
Art is political, say activists who raised £1k for Palestine
By Rhi Skelhorn
THE SUCCESS of a week-long fundraiser for Palestine by six arts societies sent an unmistakable message to the University that it must take a stronger stance on Palestine, activists say.
Sabbatical officers also confirmed in the meeting that there would be no graduation pictures on the Main Quad for the cohort graduating in summer 2025, disgruntling many final-year students.
The Quad will also be closed to student societies wishing to use the space, including the Balls! Juggling & Circus Society, known - among other things - for its monthly fire juggling nights on the Quad.
In another meeting, the Union confirmed that next year’s Welcome Fair will take place on Gordon Square instead of the usual Main Quad and Cloisters. It is unclear whether Gordon Square, owned by the University of London, will be accessible for bookable use by clubs and societies during the Quad closure.
The renovations will not just disrupt extracurricular student life. As both The Cheese Grater and The Observer reported, the relocation of the Object-Based Learning Laboratory and the “eviction” of the UCL Art Museum has drawn anger from staff and students alike.
UCL emeritus professor of Art History David Bindman voiced concerns about the Art Museum not being accounted for in the renovation plans despite its physical centrality to the process.
He branded the process “outrageous”, highlighting the lack of alternative space outlined for the housing and display of the invaluable artworks contained in the Museum.
The University has not provided plans for the Museum’s relocation to date.
Spearheaded by UCL in partnership with the Students’ Union, the Quad renovation works aim to provide new areas for student societies and socialisation in time for UCL’s 200th anniversary in February 2026.
But some students are sceptical of the University’s motivation for embarking on the renovation. One wrote in our Letters section: “Is this project a case of pointless vanity or another attempt to conjure up a cool new thing to attract more revenue from new students?”
Others are critical of the disruptions the project will have on student life and what many see as a rushed consultation process used to justify the works.
One wrote: “Yet again, UCL has failed to consider the wider implications of their actions for students and political matters at hand.”
l Letters, p15
UCL Arts for Palestine (A4P), a joint initiative between the Drag Society, Drama Society, Musical Theatre Society, Salsa Society, Shakespeare Company, and The Cheese Grater’s sister publication Women’s Wrongs, raised a total of £1,117 for the UK-based charity Medical Aid for Palestinians last month.
A4P’s programme boasted a variety of events including a Salsa class, a zine-making workshop, a pub quiz social, a reading of Palestinian literature, and ended with a joint showcase at Mully’s.
Co-producer Kathleen Morris said: “These events open the door to attendance
from those who may not attend other pro-Palestine events
“It’s important to remind UCL that art is always political.”
Its success reflects a strong desire among UCL students for the University to speak up against Israel’s assault on Palestine, she said.
A4P ran a similar fundraiser last year, backed by the same six arts groups and raised £1,120 also for Medical Aid for Palestine.
Morris said A4P hopes to put on more events in the future following the continued success of its programme.
By Robert Delaney Editor-in-Chief
A STAFF-LED petition raised serious concerns about the fate of three endangered trees in the Main Quad that are set to be chopped down as part of the ongoing works.
The ginkgo trees (inset, left) have stood in the Quad for over four decades and are “a valuable amenity for the UCL community, not least for wellbeing purposes”, the petition read.
It added the University’s own ecological impact assessment, which estimated a 3.23% habitat loss from the felling of the trees, was “not comprehensive”.
It said: “UCL staff can testify [that] many more species of migratory birds, insects and grassland plants” would be impacted by the loss of the Quad’s signature trees.”
Ginkgo trees are classed as “endangered” by the ICUN Red List of Threatened Species.
Whilst the Quad’s redesign plans propose the planting of new trees and shrubbery, mature ginkgo trees are not included in such proposals, leading to claims that the UCL200 project is failing to address staff concerns about the impact of the redesign on biodiversity.
A UCL staff member close to the UCL200 project told The Cheese Grater: “I fully support the much-needed improvements to the Quad, particularly improving accessibility.
“However, felling healthy, mature trees seems completely unnecessary when the design could have been adapted around them.”
They added: “It’s ironic that the trees were planted at the time of the last major improvements to the Quad, in between the stone cleaning of 1979-1980 and the closure to complete the Gower Street frontage in 1983-85 - but have become a casualty of these improvements.”
ly benefit” student life, though it seems to be the case that this will come at the cost of the pre-existing icons of biodiversity in Bloomsbury.
The petition asked UCL to revisit the plans of the Quad’s redesign to incorporate the ginkgo trees rather than remove them and requested that a clear decision on the future of the trees be communicated to the UCL community by 31 January.
A UCL spokesperson described the works to transform the Quad and the Cloisters as “essential” to bring about long-term improvement to those spaces, particularly with regards to accessibility, based on consultation feedback.
They added: “Biodiversity has been a key consideration throughout the planning process, in consultation with academics from the Bartlett and sustainability experts.
“The proposed design includes an additional planting of nine trees to increase the area’s total to 26.
Others too are concerned, with one student on a society group chat claiming “this school is insane” and branded the felling of the ginkgo trees as “disgusting”.
The Union said the redesign of the Quad will improve biodiversity and “huge-
“We have been actively seeking feedback from our community throughout the process and hear the thoughts raised regarding the ginkgo trees which we are seeking expert advice on and will respond to following consideration.”
By Nick Miao Editor-in-Chief
A PATIENT at UCL’s clinical psychology unit was left “shivering” in the cold because there was no heating in the building.
Building-wide heating problems in UCL’s Torrington Place saw the mercury plunge to 13°C at the Changing Unwanted Behaviour clinic, a specialist NHS mental health service.
However, one postgraduate source said students and staff working at the Clinic were told by UCL Estates that the fault was “not a priority” and that they should work from home where possible.
have 3,000 heaters to offer to everyone.”
When a Cheese Grater reporter visited the Clinic in December, our thermostat (inset) read as low as 14.2°C, far lower than the 19-21°C range stipulated by UCL’s new Heating, Cooling and Ventilation Policy
The PhD student said: “I've been here five years and this is the worst it’s been... the entire floor is sitting in coats because none of the heaters are working.”
Asked whether the University can provide portable heaters in the interim, Estates staff reportedly said: “We don’t
Aside from the “serious disruption” this has had on their work, our source raised concerns about the health risks posed by the lack of heating, particularly for those with chest problems or respiratory illnesses.
They also allege that this has negatively impacted the quality of care delivered by the Clinic, recounting how one clinical psychologist had to apologise to a patient who was left “shivering” because of the cold.
A UCL spokesperson has apologised for the “unacceptably low temperatures” in Torrington Place.
They said: “As part of refurbishment works to the upper floors, an air handling unit was taken out of service and that
has unexpectedly impacted the rest of the building.
“We have been using radiators to provide additional heating, but where this has not been enough we are advising staff to work from home.
“There is also space available in another part of our campus should those staff be able to relocate.”
But the PhD student said: “Part of what I am paying for in tuition is having my desk in [Torrington Place].”
They said they tried working in the IOE but struggled to find a suitable study space due to the undergraduate exam season.
They added: “To me, that’s quite scandalous... The Provost is getting paid half a million pounds a year and the Main Quad is undergoing all sorts of renovations, while students and people working here don’t even have adequate heating.”
A UCL spokesperson said: “We are working on a better solution for the time they return to work in the new year and the new air handling unit will be in operation by the end of January.”
advice 'undeniably wrong' while student says her immigration woes were caused by University failures
By Andrea Bidnic Investigations Editor
UNIVERSITY immigration advisor told one international student they had 24 hours to leave the UK - only for their stay to be extended the next morning.
The student, who we are calling Charlie, said UCL’s Student Immigration Advice team “had no sympathy” when she tried to explain her situation. One advisor reportedly told her: “I don’t care what you do... You just have to leave the country.”
She said the problem only arose because UCL failed to mark her final assignment in time for her to apply for a Graduate Visa.
Having lived in Britain most of her life, she said: “I wouldn’t call any place home rather than the UK”.
Had she followed the University’s advice and returned to her home country, Charlie faced the danger of persecution as a trans woman.
Charlie said she was barred from graduating because her department had “forgotten” to mark one of her final assignments.
However, the knock-on effect of the delay in receiving her grade classification was that she could not apply for a Graduate Visa before her legal stay in the UK expired.
Fortunately, she learned via askUCL that the Home Office had put down an incorrect expiry date on her stay, meaning legally she should have had another two months in the UK. She proceeded to file a request to get the error amended.
Up to the moment of the phone call where she was told to leave, Charlie was in constant communication with University admins to address her missed marking.
But she said miscommunication between UCL admins made things worse, pointing to the time when the Immigration Advice team took 11 days to respond to an email - only for them to say they were still missing information from her department.
She said: “They are disconnected, like separate countries having to communicate with each other.”
“The UK is
lucky
to have
its
international students”, the Provost exulted in February LUCY POPE/UCL IMAGESTORE
“ I get that phone call and my whole f--king life is shattered “
When Charlie received a call from a UCL student immigration advisor in September, she was told she had just 24 hours to pack her bags or face a year-long ban from the UK.
Charlie said the advisor refused to listen when she tried to explain her situation, saying: “All he wants to say is it’s my mistake.
“He had no sympathy, nothing.”
When she told the advisor she had filed a request with the Home Office amend her stay in the UK, the advisor reportedly said: “I don't care what you do. I know what's gonna happen. I know you're going to get rejected and you just have to leave the country.”
A follow-up email from the immigration advisor seen by The Cheese Grater read: “You should now make arrange-
ments to leave the UK by 5th September 2024 to avoid a mandatory re-entry ban.”
Charlie sought independent advice from campaigners at Unis Resist Border Control (URBC), who advised her not to leave the country.
The following day, the Home Office amended her stay to October, despite the advisor’s assertion.
URBC founder Sanaz Raji of Northumbria University said she spotted the first “red flag” when Charlie told her she never received a visa curtailment letter from the Home Office notifying her of the end of her stay.
Raji said: “If a student has mistakenly overstayed their visa, then the university should arrange a meeting to help work this out with the Home Office.
“But to tell the student you have 24 hours to leave the country is absolutely, undeniably wrong.”
She added: “I don't think the University was following their own best practice procedures.”
When asked how she thought this had happened to Charlie, Raji said: “Someone did not do their due diligence on the student’s case.”
A UCL spokesperson said: “We have a duty to alert our international students to
matters that relate to their visa status and this includes the possible consequences of overstaying. This ensures students are well-informed so they can take the necessary steps to remain in the UK and within the law.”
When we spoke to Charlie weeks after the incident, she was still visibly shaken. On her experience, she said: “I get that phone call and my whole fucking life is shattered [sic].”
'Hostile environment' policy to blame, activist say Raji said these types of incidents happen regularly in UK universities due to the hostile environment policy for migrant students upheld by successive governments. She said: “Universities don’t care whether or not these students succeed: they’re just interested in the pound sign”.
She added even as universities across the UK are increasingly reliant on international students for their higher tuition
fees, staff often remain "befuddled around immigration issues”.
Towards the end of our interview with Charlie, she received an email from UCL Student Records confirming her degree classification, allowing her to obtain a twoyear Graduate Visa shortly after.
But she never received an apology from the University for her negligent treatment by the immigration advisor nor for the delay in the marking which caused the incident in the first place.
The student said she considered abandoning her studies and leaving the UK had the error not been reversed, writes Go Kitajima
ONE STUDENT was nearly overcharged an additional £5,900 following an alleged admin mistake by the University.
The international student, who we are calling Addison, was shocked to find her tuition fee was hiked from £26,600 to £32,500 after switching courses despite the University’s longstanding policy of charging overseas undergraduates fixed fees throughout their time at UCL.
As she was studying at UCL on a scholarship, Addison could not afford to re-enrol on these increased fees and was forced to consider abandoning her studies in the UK and returning to her home country had the error not been reversed.
She said it took the Student Fees office 11 days to respond to an initial query explaining her situation in detail, only to receive a two-line response from the administrators confirming the erroneous fee hike.
She added throughout the long chain of e-mails: “They [Student Fees] were genuinely trying so hard to make me pay extra”.
The international student alleged the Student Fees and Student Immigration Advice offices kept pushing the matter to each other without resolving or explaining the problem. “Sometimes they didn’t know who was dealing with it”, she said.
She went on to describe the correspondence from the University as “rude” and “dismissive”.
As she never paid the extra £5,900, Addison was unable to re-enrol while her visa status hung on the balance.
She said: “Once they started arguing with me I felt terrible... For that month of Uni I really struggled.”
As term began with the issue still un-
resolved, Addison recounted researching universities in her home country during lectures - lectures she could not even enter on her own as her student ID card had been deactivated.
“I felt really powerless,” she said. “I felt like I couldn’t do anything about this... I didn’t see much hope in it... I was like there is no way these people [will] listen to me.”
She said the matter was only resolved after her department got involved and organised a meeting with the fees office.
Addison praised the admin staff at her department as “really nice and supportive” but said that she never received an apology from the University for the distress caused.
She added the fiasco exposed her to “how badly admin is done” at UCL.
While the fee increase should not have happened in the first place, she agreed that the exceptionally slow pace in which the bureaucracy dealt with it, and its rudeness,
UK universities are increasingly reliant on funding from international student fees
ALEJANDRO LOPEZ/UCL MEDIA SERVICES
was the most upsetting.
A UCL spokesperson said: “We apologise for sending the student the incorrect fees request and for any inconvenience caused.
“This was an automated email sent out before her record was updated to confirm she had changed courses. Within days of her raising this with us, the fees were updated with the correct amount.”
Every year international tuition fees continue to rise and universities across the UK, including UCL, are increasingly reliant on international students for financial backing.
Yet, accusations of administrative inefficiency and lack of understanding towards these students persist.
Addison said: “The people at the top of the institution don't really see us students, as people, and they just think they can get their way.”
A report by the First-in-Family and Working Students Network calling for additional mitigations for working students were brushed aside
By Lily Park and Lucy Reade
RESEARCH BY working students
calling for additional mitigations was “sidelined” by department heads, campaigners say.
A report by the UCL History First-in-Family and Working Students Network (FIFWS) called on the Department to grant students working a certain number of hours a week access to Summary Reasonable Adjustment extensions.
But the group said its findings were dismissed by a departmental tutor after being given less than five minutes to present its 3,000-word report at an EDI meeting last February.
The report said: “Unless [UCL] is willing to offer greater financial support... the lives and academic outputs of working students will continue to be of a lower quality on average than of those students privileged enough not to work.
“Academic adjustments will not solve all the problems of working students, but they may alleviate some pressure and would be a symbolic show of support for working students, something we feel is entirely lacking from UCL as an institution.”
The University currently expects students to delegate 35 hours to studies, but working students are employed for an average of 10-20 hours a week. This means on average, students engaging in paid work will work between 45-55 hours, not including time spent travelling, breaks, or socialising.
FIFWS research found the average working student in the History Department loses two days a week to work commitments, while two-thirds noted work commitments damage their mental health by increasing anxiety and stress levels.
Its findings were consistent with the national trend, where almost half (49.1%) of UK university students said they missed lectures to do paid work while just under a quarter (23.5%) admitted to missing deadlines, according to Sutton Trust figures.
Rising costs and a broken student finance system have made attending university in the capital almost impossible for students from ordinary backgrounds.
A report by the Higher Education Policy Institute found the average annual cost for university accommodation has risen from £11,500 in 2022/23 to £13,595 in 2024/25, a figure higher than the maximum maintenance loan available for those studying in London (£13,348).
Source: Sutton Trust
UCL doesn’t buck this trend, with accommodation prices rising by 17% on average during the same period, according to UCL Union research.
This means that students are at least £247 a year out of pocket, and that’s before you take into account the cost of food, transport, and other everyday expenses.
Student Finance England openly expects parents to contribute thousands of pounds in order to close this gap. But if their parents are unable to facilitate this financial demand, students have to work in order to afford living and studying in London.
First-hand testimonies gathered by FIFWS included one working student who said they became “highly sleep-deprived” and barely ate as they attempted to keep up with university assignments.
Another respondent, who lost 40 hours a week to scheduled work and travel, said that they could not complete readings
Two-thirds surveyed said work commitments raised
for their seminars due to time constraints.
The report called on the History Department to grant working students access to SoRA extensions.
But campaigners say the Department gave its findings and recommendations less than five minutes of consideration before dismissing them altogether.
One tutor was said to have rejected the recommendations as she misinterpreted the report as claiming that 81% of history students are in some form of paid work, and it would not be appropriate to give this many students SORA access.
In fact, the report clearly stated that 81% of respondents, not the cohort, were in some form of paid work and additionally recognised the sampling bias of the survey’s findings, with working students being more likely to answer.
SoRAs administration is a centralised process, meaning the History Department couldn’t implement such changes itself. But meeting minutes seen by The Cheese Grater reveal the Department showed no intention that it would raise these concerns with UCL’s central academic authorities.
It is important to note that since this report, UCL has implemented a delayed assessment permit (DAP), allowing students to apply for self-certified extensions.
However, FIFWS said this does not properly address the needs of working students due to the limited availability of DAPs, with only three permitted per year.
The report also highlighted that working students don’t feel they have the time or money to socialise in London. James Adams, a student facilitator for FIFWS, believes that working students are at the centre of a “vicious cycle” when attempting to balance uni, work, and life.
He added that many students struggle to talk about this pressure, especially with non-working students and faculty staff, as
they are often met with a lack of understanding or a “just work less” attitude.
While UCL is one of the most diverse universities in the UK in terms of ethnicity and nationalities, it is noticeably uniform in terms of social class and financial background.
Almost a third of UCL students were privately educated while just 4.3% grew up in a Low Participation Neighbourhood, the lowest of all Russell Group Universities.
The UCL 93% Club, a society representing state-educated students, said: “For most of our members, working during term time is a necessity.
“Yet, balancing paid work with academ-
ic life can feel worlds apart from the typical UCL ‘student’ experience—like jetting off on holiday during reading week, or working to add another post to LinkedIn rather than to cover living expenses.”
The Head of the UCL History Department Dr Antonio Sennis said: “The department is continuously working to support all its students.
“This specific issue was raised at the department’s EDI committee meeting in February, and the conversation is ongoing.”
l How UCL enables a culture l of classism, p17
The startup company is no stranger to filming themselves openly break rules and upset norms in its social media campaigns
By Robert Delaney and Nick Miao Editors-in-Chief
THREE MEN filmed themselves trespass and vandalise a UCL hall to promote their tech startup and bragged about it online.
The tech bros, Andrey Dobrov, Julio-Cezar Scerbina, and Christian Brown, filmed themselves breaking into Ramsay Hall in an Instagram video posted on 10 December to advertise their startup firm Loby, which they describe as “Tinder for flatmates”.
The trio proceeded to document themselves committing vandalism to University property when they began plastering the accommodation with adhesive stickers promoting their business.
The trespassers began the video by saying: “We’re gonna try to sneak into UCL Accommodation to promote our app without getting kicked out.
“But unlucky for us [sic], the entries are closed so we needed to outsmart and outplay them [UCL Security] to try and get in”.
The entrance to the accommodation was in fact open - as it is at all hours of the day - but only to hall residents carrying their student ID.
The men proceeded to film themselves squeezing into the Ramsay turnstiles after coercing one reluctant-looking resident to let them through.
Hall regulations explicitly state that residents should never lend their access key to anyone else.
After they “successfully infiltrated” Ramsay, the trespassers proceeded to “slap as many QR codes to as many places as we can”, filming themselves leaving adhesive stickers around the communal areas of the accommodation, including on doors, hallways, one fridge-freezer, and inside a communal bathroom, all seemingly without the knowledge nor permission of residents.
But Ramsay residents may be forced to foot the bill for the vandals’ stickers should any paintwork be damaged by its adhesive glue under hall regulations.
The video shows Brown (inset) holding a sign stating “Homeless UCL 2nd year. Pls Help [sic]”, who then finds accommodation through the Loby app.
Besides evident insensitivity to the plight of homeless students, the post makes a misleading claim that UCL can make people homeless by kicking them out of accommodations at the end of their first year.
The tech bros were ultimately kicked out of the accommodation after UCL Security “caught on to [their] mischief”.
This is not the first time Loby openly broke rules.
The tech bros admitted to “causing a massive line” at this year’s Welcome Fair at UCL after they blocked the entrance and demanded students download their app.
They said staff eventually had to step in to “banish us from the campus”.
On another occasion, Loby posted a video in which co-founder Christian Brown, a UCL theoretical physics graduate, pretended to be homeless.
Loby, the startup company being promoted by the vandals, claims to be “Tinder for flatmates” and boasts around 100 downloads on Google Play.
Despite the claim, the company insisted it was “not promoting flatcest”.
It said in a video: “When we say Tinder for flatmates, all it means is that you can swipe and match to find flatmates based on your personality and lifestyle.
“So I don’t understand why you guys are trying to make it weird.”
Loby did not respond to a request for comment.
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Ombudsman’s damning verdict adds to litany of scandals reported a worrying pattern of negligence and indifference, writes Investigations
UNIVERSITY FAILINGS have worsened the mental health of one student who sought help from the UCL support tool, the complaints body for higher education has found.
A report by the Office of the Independent Adjudicator seen by The Cheese Grater noted how a “range of failings” by UCL Report+Support, the University’s harassment and bullying support tool, contributed to a “clearly evidenced” and “significant” deterioration of one student’s mental health.
The student, who we are calling Ashley, alleged that institutional negligence on behalf of the University forced her to relive the trauma of facing persistent bullying by the committee of a UCL sports club.
According to the report, UCL has accepted that its response to Ashley’s case was “flawed”, acknowledging “delays and communication issues” and an overall “lack of clarity around the [Report+Support] process”.
But the ombudsman said it was “not satisfied” UCL had provided a suitable remedy to address the failings it had identified.
It added: “We do not think that the University’s apology, and internal recommendations, were sufficient to address the scale and significance of impact which the University’s failings had on [Ashley].”
The report’s damning verdict of UCL’s handling of Ashley’s case adds yet another to the litany of horror stories reported by this publication where students were failed time and again by Report+Support.
Recounting her experience, Ashley said she was met with indifference by a number of caseworkers.
At first, she said the caseworkers said “all the right things”. One even reassured her: “You don't need to worry about being a believable victim because we believe you.”
But she soon found those words to be empty as repeated delays and communication faults left her feeling like she was the one being accused.
The complaints body said it was “particularly critical” of the two-month delay it took UCL to implement basic precautionary measures to protect Ashley from her alleged abusers.
It noted during this time, Ashley was deemed unfit to work while a seperate clinician reported she was displaying symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.
It said: “It is clearly evidenced that [Ashley’s] mental health deteriorated significantly during this period, and we think that the University’s failings will have contributed to this.”
Speaking to The Cheese Grater, Ashley said: “I never expected anything from UCL other than my safety.
“My expectations were through the floor, and they couldn't even do that.”
Ashley said she turned to the police for help when the University failed to act but was told there was little they could do as bullying was not a crime.
Even then, she said the officers were “so much nicer” than UCL caseworkers, reassuring her that they would keep her record on the file and promised to step in if her abusers tried to contact her.
She said: “At least [the police] listened. They were kind, and they were really shocked that actually UCL hadn't done anything about this.”
The complaints body further criticised the University for failing to make a prompt decision on jurisdiction, taking three months to decide Ashley’s case should be investigated by the Students’ Union, not UCL.
She recalled being forced to relive the trauma when she was repeatedly asked to resubmit the evidence documents to UCL caseworkers and on a further occasion to Union caseworkers when it was determined that case was under the Union’s remit.
She described the ordeal as “traumatising for no apparent reason.”
Disappointed with how the University handled her case, Ashley raised a complaint with UCL against Report+Support caseworkers.
It took UCL six months to process this complaint – double the time recommended by the Office of the Independent Adjudicator, the higher education complaints
reported
body noted in its report.
It said UCL has recognised and apologised for the “length of time it [had] taken to investigate this complaint” and accepted that Ashley had “not always [been] informed about delays.”
But it noted that UCL “did not provide any further remedy to address this issue.”
“The whole time you've constantly had to push them,” Ashley said when discussing the delays in the complaints process.
“It genuinely feels like they just forget that you exist”, she said.
Sorry not good enough, report says
When UCL finally presented its findings to Ashley, it accepted there were “a number of failures” in its handling of her case and apologised for some - though not all - of these issues, pledging “internal recommendations” to improve the process.
However, the ombudsman once again said UCL had failed to provide a “suitable remedy to address the failings which it had identified.”
Dissatisfied with the outcome, Ashley requested a review of UCL’s findings. She said she was suspicious of the impartiality of the process, claiming caseworkers were tasked to investigate their own managers.
In the end, the Office of the Independent Adjudicator upheld Ashley’s complaint that UCL’s repeated delays and communication errors likely worsened her mental health.
While it rejected her complaint that UCL refused to investigate the bullying claims on the basis that the Union is now responsible for the case, the ombudsman was nonetheless “critical” of the University’s failure to promptly articulate the scope of its own bullying policy.
It further told UCL that saying sorry isn’t good enough, given the “scale and significance of the impact” its repeated failings has had on Ashley.
It finally criticised the lack of clarity in the process and timeframe outlined by UCL’s Prevention of Bullying, Harassment and Sexual Misconduct Policy and urged the University to provide more clarity for students engaging with Report+Support.
A UCL spokesperson said: “We sincerely apologise for the negative impact caused by our initial handling of the allegations and subsequent procedural delays.
“We have accepted the recommendations from the Office of the Independent Adjudicator for Higher Education in full and have enacted clearer lines of communication between our casework team and the Students’ Union. This ensures clear accountability for casework, as well as better monitoring and communication with students who raise complaints.
“The Office of the Independent Adjudicator is now satisfied that we have complied with their recommendations in this case and we thank them for their guidance and recommendations.
“Our improved process supports our goal of providing each and every student with the best possible support and we remain committed to the continuous improvement of our student support and wellbeing services.”
The Students’ Union declined to comment on specific cases.
Ashley’s experience with Report+Support is sadly far from isolated.
The Cheese Grater has repeatedly exposed the failings of Report+Support since the support tool was introduced in 2019.
Just last May, a Report+Support manager admitted staff were undertrained and that miscommunication and “avoidable delays” made things “more difficult” for a student who was a victim of rape.
In February 2024, UCL caseworkers dismissed a sexual assault case without appeal, claiming “the lines of consent had been blurred and/or misinterpreted”.
In May 2022, a rape victim said the University refused to take disciplinary action against her abuser despite having a restraining order against him as there was an ongoing police investigation.
Asked how she would summarise her experience with Report+Support, Ashley said: “It felt like they just wanted you to forget about it and just leave them alone so that they didn't have to do any work.
“I don't know what their reason is.”
Malvika Murkumbi Investigations Editor
When we spoke to Ashley, she thanked us for believing her story and said her experience with Report+Support made her feel like “no one ever would”.
Ashley’s comment lays bare Report+ Support’s fatal flaw: it is fundamentally ill-equipped to support the very group of people it was set up to protect.
The fact that a system specifically designed to support people facing trauma consistently fails to adopt trauma-informed approaches is deeply concerning.
A trauma-informed team would not ask someone to send them detailed documentation of their abuse over and over and over again. They would not take two months to implement basic precautionary measures.
They would not drag out a complaints process to be six agonising months long, and most importantly, they would not leave someone feeling as though they would never be believed.
Despite a wave of individuals coming out with harrowing accounts of their experiences with Report+Support – all citing chronic negligence, unprofessional staff, and unacceptable delays – the University appears, quite frankly, uninterested in making meaningful changes to this system.
The report by the independent adjudicator is a watershed moment for UCL, which was forced to admit that its own failures have caused more harm to the people it is meant to be protecting.
But it confirms only what has been said time and time again: that the system is broken and in dire need of reform.
Responding to another Report+ Support story we published, Vice-Provost Kathy Armour said: “We are currently improving our communication about Report+Support and the ways in which our aligned support services work together.”
The University is yet to deliver on this incredibly vague promise.
UCL students deserve a more trauma-informed and survivor-focused support system to prevent further harm to the people it is supposed to help.
Let's hope they will finally listen.
THE PROBLEM with the sabb team’s globetrotting is not the carbon cost itself but the fact that students do not see their travels as good value for the carbon cost incurred.
Of course air travel is sometimes necessary. Indeed, any means of travel will have a carbon cost attached.
The point here is not that the Union should cease all travel or make the sabbs walk to their next international conference on foot but that whatever cost that comes with these trips must be justified by the benefits of attending them.
Ultimately, these 18,500 air miles are only an embarassing statistic to the Union because it has thus far failed to communicate to students why the sabb team’s overseas travels are worthwhile.
In most cases, there is no hard evidence that the student body has benefitted in any substantial way from, say, jetting the President off to Azerbaijan, especially given her comments upon her return. In fact, some of these trips weren’t even publicised: we only learned of Ana and Shaban’s trip to Boston thanks to the Activities Officer’s very active public Instagram story, which is arguably doing a better job at comms than the Union itself!
Alas, the Union’s chronic inability to communicate the value of its work to students is a tale as old as time itself.
THE UNION’S continued silence on its decision to resume banking with Barclays demonstrates even its outof-touch leadership knows it to be utterly indefensible in the court of public opinion.
So why are they still doing it?
The Union has defended the move by saying it has a responsibility to make sure its finances are in a safe pair of hands.
The problem is that these hands have got blood on them.
Let’s not forget that Barclays is actively fueling the climate crisis and global conflict via its vast investments in oil and gas and the arms industry.
The President’s refusal to say whether this is consistent with the Union’s constitutional commitment to sustainability and ethical practices tells us everything we need to know.
It is hypocritical for the Union to continue doing business with Barclays Bank and the sabbatical leadership knows it as well as we do.
Co-Editor-in-Chief & SU Media Rep Listen to him speak on Rare FM every Friday 8pm
LAST TERM was perhaps the most successful in recent memory for the UCL student media community. Indeed, the proliferation of excellent articles, in written, audial and visual forms across the University’s numerous publications was superb. Whilst the Student Publication Association has failed to deliver their regional verdicts for London’s university publications in a timely manner, I am confident that the constituents of UCL’s student media community will feature heavily on their honours roll... that is, whenever they get around to dishing out the long-anticipated awards.
The purpose of this column is not to recount and reflect on the last term, but to rather look forward to the next two. Indeed, student media is on an upward trajectory, and the Union seems to be taking us seriously. I am of the belief that the University and Union have finally realised that, to build a cohesive student community, they need sources from which institutional news, good or bad, can disseminate. What does the future therefore look like? In my discussions with the Union, we have decided to move forth with regular steering group meetings consisting of the editorial boards of each publication (should they choose to attend). Our hope is that such meetings will inform the fruition and further development of a truly coherent and inclusive student media strategy. This is innately positive for both our democracy and student life at large, insofar as student media, through greater discourse with the Union, will be more or-
Now is a good time to join The Cheese Grater
Nick Miao Co-Editor-in-Chief
THERE HAS never been a better time to join The Cheese Grater in recent memory than right now.
This publication has a clear and focused editorial direction that sets us apart from competing media outlets at UCL.
The changes this editorial team have introduced this year means we now publish,
ganised and better able to fulfill the crucial task of reporting electoral and institutional information.
On the latter point, wider knowledge of the University’s ongoings will be better disseminated throughout the student community via a proper strategy for media (emergent from the aforementioned meetings). It's no secret that the Union is incapable of effectively advertising the plethora of events, clubs and activities available to students on its own. It is only through student-led dissemination of such information that engagement will increase. This, however, relies on news outlets, like The Cheese Grater and Pi, being “on it” when it comes to timely and consistent publishing.
The necessity of consistent content output becomes increasingly difficult to achieve as the year goes on and our workloads increase. This is why I am now advocating for the creation of a sabbatical position to serve the student media community. As there is at many Students’ Unions across the country already, and has been here at UCL before, we are in desperate need of an editorially independent sabbatical officer whose sole job is to attend to our media community and the production of institutional news.
The extent to which such a position is crucial is highlighted by how often our community is forgotten or ignored within official Union and UCL strategy. It is undoubtedly true that a sabbatical editor or student media position is the only way for our community - and UCL as a whole - to flourish in our diversity.
on a consistent and rolling basis, real stories that matter to real people.
Our journalists are empowered by the fact that we provide them with the proper support and guidance, aided by a shift in institutional mood at the Union as they begin to take student media more seriously.
So, provided that we, the editors, do our job properly, your stories will be read and leave a bigger impact on campus beyond just looking good on your CV.
Whether you are looking to kickstart a career in journalism or just an annoying bastard with a disdain for authority, please join the The Cheese Grater Magazine Society. Get your membership for just £7 today
Send us your views at editor@ cheesegratermagazine.org or write to The Cheese Grater Magazine Society, Student Activites Reception, 2/F Bloomsbury Theatre, 15 Gordon Street, London WC1 0AH. Letters should be no more than 150 words. Include your full name and address.
We are sick men, we are spiteful men, we are Liberal men. We wish to raise with you the insidious polarisation of the post-ideological hate filled world, and the role that this paper plays in propping it up.
As the clocks struck thirteen one bitter November evening, we entered the Ministry of Truth (a Cheese Grater meeting) we were met with the most pungent sense of antagonism. This paper’s attempt to vilify anyone they could, including our great supreme leader Michael Spence and his seminal-Orange Book-esque Disagreeing Well, was nothing short of appalling.
Until We become liberally conscious we will never rebel, and until after we have become liberally conscious we can not rebel.
Fuck the first way. Fuck the second way. Men of reason yearn for the Cleggian way.
Two centrist dads who use their Ed Davey Lib Dem cards to bump blow via email
I am writing to you to express my great concern after discovering the closure of the Main Quad and the impact it will have on my personal life.
Two years ago, I made a friend while on the Quad: Terry the long-tailed tit, who regularly visits me when I eat lunch on the Portico. I would go as far as to say Terry is a closer friend to me than any person I have met at UCL, including the scummy journalists who write for your publication. Terry understands me on another level. Terry has always been willing to listen to my concerns and has seen me through many major milestones, including election losses and victories, the collapse of my social life and almost accidentally setting myself on fire many times. While they
The page where you tell the rest of UCL what you think
‘Is this a case of pointless vanity or revenue magnet?’
Shreya J, Essex
don’t give me direct advice (since they are a bird), their comforting aura has been a beacon of hope for me. With the quad closing, I fear I may never get to see them again.
I have not yet been able to talk to Terry about this predicament (since they are a bird) and I am deeply concerned that I have missed my chance to say goodbye.
I worry I could inadvertently be giving this bird abandonment wounds that could affect its cognitive development. If word of this gets out my RSPB membership could be at risk and I don’t think I’m eligible for a refund.
Seth H. Lewisham
The Main Quad closure—UCL’s response to the question, “Where the fuck is all my tuition money going?”
The sketches and dreamy promises about how the Quad would look are all well and good, but it led me to the only question I found myself asking – why?
The Portico and the Main Quad are effortless and beautiful pieces of architecture that have stood the test of time.
Neither I nor anyone I know sees the need for them to be fixed or changed.
Why not pour these funds into much-needed facilities, like the freezing libraries and the lack of study spaces on campus, or into improving our poor student support networks?
Is this project a case of pointless vanity or another attempt to conjure up a cool new thing to attract more revenue from new students—revenue that seemingly disappears as soon as it’s generated? I’d love to find out.
Shreya J. Essex
Student needs brushed aside
Whilst I support the primary aim of the Quad closure to improve accessibility at UCL, I think the University has disregarded the repercussions these changes will have on student life and the political implications of such actions.
I think I can speak for all students when I say the idea of having your graduation pictures on the Portico is something everyone secretly looks forward to.
To have this taken away, along with the disruption of balls and society events, feels like students have been put aside in the planning of improvements supposedly intended for us.
But more importantly than this, the renovation’s will have an innately negative impact on biodiversity, and the complete disregard of this fact by UCL is atrocious. Such a large institution has a responsibility to uphold environmental practice and consider the importance of ecological spaces.
Yet again, UCL has failed to consider the wider implications of their actions for students and political matters at hand.
MillaMay G. Camden
I don't think the closure of the Main Quad is particularly terrible an idea, it is ultimately an investment for future generations.
What irks people is that it was done without a longer period of consultation with clubs and societies.
What may not be spoken about as much is the complications such a closure will have on the historic buildings such as the former observatory hut out on the Quad or the endangered trees.
Euan T. Islington
IZZIE MOULL
You don’t know how good you’ve got it
MY NAN died in 2023. Yes, that's how I’m opening this. She died in a hospital near Morden. I thank TfL and the Northern Line that I was able to say goodbye to her.
The Northern Line meant that when I got the phone call from my house on Caledonian Road I was able to get to Morden Station within 90 minutes. To put that in perspective, my dad the following morning at 2am drove that journey. Even with the empty roads and flagrant violation of bus lanes, it still took him 90 minutes to do it. I managed to cover the same distance, in the same time, at 6pm on a Tuesday. Just give it a second to sink in. TfL and especially the Tube is a masterpiece of mass transit systems.
Those who have had the “pleasure” of working with me at The Cheese Grater for the past two odd years are well aware of my love for public transport; I don’t exactly try to hide it. Walking with me anywhere in the city tends to lead to a running commentary of interesting features. The first-year joke was that I could give my friends a fact related to almost any Tube station we passed through. A trip to the printers with the committee last year resulted in my rabbiting on about the new Overground Weaver Line to an editor-in-chief who was showing just enough polite interest so as not to hurt my feelings (I’m sorry Mads, I got a little excited).
This passion/obsession has always been in my life but certainly more muted, but moving to London for university awoke in me a burning fire which is yet to be put out. Moving to Dublin for my exchange year has doused this whole situation in petrol.
To put it quite simply, chaps, you don’t know how good you’ve got it. London has the tube, all 11 glorious lines, the DLR, the Elizabeth Line, the Overground network, a (frustratingly small) tram route, 675 bus routes, ferries, the Thameslink, and even that stupid useless expensive cable car. But, when you’re there you don't seem to notice or you even seem to think it's pathetically small.
At times, the system can feel particularly frustrating, having to wait over five minutes for a Tube, a bus having a driver change, and Kentish Town Station still closed (ed. - now open). It's the little things
of living there and it losing its “new-ness” that make you forget just what a frankly incredible system it is and how interlinked it is.
The intense variety and sheer number of different connection options in London made Dublin feel a little dull in comparison.
Dublin has no Tube. It has ideas of a Tube, but little progress has been made in achieving them in the nearly 20 years the idea has been floating about. It does have a light rail system, but this functions primarily to get people into the city, not around it - think of it as a Thameslink equivalent. Dublin's only public transport win is that it has two tram lines - be still my beating heart. But they do not intersect: you have to walk 5 minutes between stops if you want to change from one line to the other.
A lot of Dublin's transport woes when compared to London can simply be attributed to size. Dublin is a heck of a lot smaller both in geographical size as well as population, but the shock of moving here and quite frankly missing the soot and the strange hum of the tube really put into perspective how insanely well-connected London is.
Now that I have covered the more “logical” point of my argument, I turn to
Cherish that whimsy, my dear Londoners. Without it, life is a little more grey
the actual reason I wrote this piece: TfL is whimsical - so damn whimsical. All the lines have names (even if some aren’t the most inspiring). The Tube trains themselves each have their own defining characteristics - the retro vibe of the ancient Bakerloo, the different smells between the air-conditioned Circle trains and the deep-level Central sweat boxes, most have their individual moquettes and colour schemes too. TfL knows how to make fun of itself. The 134 to North Finchley says “Tally Ho!” on it because it terminates at Tally Ho Corner! It's a whimsy that shows a deep sense of pride and love for the transport network, run by people who care for it so much that they inject their passion and love into the physical object. It's a whimsy that exists solely to make the journey more enjoyable. Cherish that whimsy, my dear Londoners. Without it,
life is a little more grey.
My general point here is that London makes its transport something of a feature itself. The London Underground map is emblazoned on all sorts of paraphernalia - I have a shot glass with it on myself - the ubiquitous “Mind The Gap” and “See it, Say it, Sorted” are as much a national anthem as God Save the King. We even have a TfL Society at UCL now! What other university has a society dedicated to public transport, and more importantly do they have my contact details?
Public transport helps give a city an identity and culture. It helps us understand and identify parts of a city and gives distinctions to areas within it. We even describe where we live based on our nearest Tube station! Above all, a public transport system with a little love and whimsy can make a good day bad and can engage
a population with where they live. The Nottingham trams, for example, are named after notable people from the city. Suddenly, the thing you have to get on every day to go to your boring job is a piece of local history and brings the heritage of where you live into your everyday lives. It connects us to our past and brings a bit of interest into a dull city, and it's exciting to see TfL embracing that too with the naming of the Overground lines. Yes, they have been slated for being “woke” on Twitter, but the names themselves show that the city is proud of its people and is proud of its history, so much so that it is forcing the everyday commuter to recognise it and celebrate the histories of local areas.
London is a shining example of a city with transport, though not done perfectly, done bloody well. It has variety in its links allowing people from across the city to
get to where they need to be (except south London, sorry), it has accessibility in how you can pay to use it, but most importantly: it has whimsy. When I lived in London, I don't think I appreciated its whimsy and range enough, and now after leaving I quite simply miss it. I miss the weird squeak of the springs in the tube seats, the black snot, the “STAND CLEAR OF THE OPENING DOOR”. I miss the frequent pub arguments of which line is the best, but more importantly, I miss a city that is united by its transport, in its reverence and celebration of it and its unique culture.
So for those reading this in London, the next time you get the Tube, instead of standing there like a mindless Tube zombie, look at the map, look at the Moquette, look at the interesting station details and cherish the culture and delight that public transport can bring into our lives.
IN MY three years at UCL, there has been a black cloud overshadowing my experience. Classism. Whilst not ruining it, it is undeniable the othering I feel in many situations.
In 2020-2021, UCL had an intake of 67.6% of state school students, when it is estimated only 7% of children are in private education. A figure I cannot fathom has changed much.
Perhaps my experience has been different because I’m transparent. Since I was young I haven’t been embarrassed to admit my background: A northerner who was council-housed with a single parent on benefits until I was 15.
Part of this honesty is a refusal to be shamed out of spaces I’m not supposed to belong in. Another part is that If I can do it without the support of private tutors and an expensive education, shouldn’t that be something of pride?
Throughout my time here I’ve faced a plethora of comments, including but not limited to: “Povvo”, “Chav”, “Benefit Scrounger” or being told my contextual offer was deeply unfair because why was I allowed to be “thick” and they weren’t? (I still would’ve gotten in without the lower offer!)
Classism is not new in University; it also isn’t secret. But it is misunderstood. It isn’t just the students themselves, it’s
the institution as a whole who is to blame. Lecturers have made a point to mention they know who comes from a state school on the basis of an email, adding to the imposter syndrome working-class students often feel.
I have been in a multitude of classes that are based on the belief you already have pre-existing knowledge, which is often not the case for students from failing state schools like myself. As an Ancient World student, this has been particularly obvious as I did not have the privilege to learn about these civilisations and was why I decided on the degree at UCL. Yet it often feels like students without such a background are completely dismissed.
It is an odd problem at UCL, considering that we were one of the first institutions in the country to welcome working-class students. Yet, their equal opportunity policy does not include any mentions of class as a basis for discrimination.
Classism isn't new in UCL; it also isn't a secret. But it is misunderstood “
But it isn’t an exclusive problem to UCL, we have seen this issue across the country. In Durham, there were competitions for who could sleep with the “poorest” girl, Oxford has its infamous Bullingdon Boys Club, and Manchester has even had a problem of gentrification due to wealthier students moving in the area and pricing out local students.
This treatment and discrimination is a testament to the misunderstanding of poverty among people in this country. A lack of comprehension as to the trauma that is poverty. To not know when the heating might be back on in the dead of winter, or if the electricity will be on in time to do school work.
Moving to University for someone like me is not just an opportunity to escape the barriers that come with being working class, it is a chance to disprove common beliefs held about poor people. To move to a university like UCL, one with recognition, is to be seen as an equal with potential.
UCL currently believes that filling the financial gap for working-class students is enough. Whilst it is one important step, the bursary is undeniably fantastic for the poorest students at £3,000 a year. However, it does not provide any other way to support students with the culture of classism that permeates the University.
Well, well, well. As ever, I was right in my assumption that our socs and their accompanying scum could not be able to contain themselves, yet even I could not have predicted how quickly they would fulfil expectations. Strap in darlings - we have plenty to recap and by the end of it, I doubt that many committees will be making it onto the nice list this year (alas, maybe 2026 will be their year?)
In yet another crushing defeat for democracy, it has emerged that the Labour Society and Liberal Democrat Society share the same president.
Although Labour has not made a committee post this year and the Lib Dem’s Instagram appears to have faded into non-existence, this eagle-eyed bitch has spotted identical signatures of one Joey Mehta in the constitution of both societies.
The two-timing president clearly had some speedy penmanship, as both were signed on the same day.
Whilst The Cheese Grater has reported on this before, and whilst I am loathe to repeat my underlings, this bitch is astounded by the claim on the Liberal Democrats’ Union webpage that the society offers: “a progressive alternative to the same-old tired two-party system” - the alternative seemingly being a bigger party containing anything vaguely left-of-centre (rumour has it they’ll invite left-handers next).
In the UK, the idea of a multi-party
system is a fairly battered pinata. Accordingly, it is more than a little disheartening to see it be beaten to a pulp at the level of university societies - leaving the Apathy Party to reign.
Equally disheartening is the Drama Society’s handling of the Reclamation showcase - or the lack thereof.
Reclamation is an annual BAME showcase, dedicated to uplifting POC voices.
This year was its third year running, and suffice to say, third time was not the charm: Drama’s Diversity & Inclusion (D&I) Officer and main producer of the showcase Sai Sreenivandita was nowhere to be seen when her duties needed to be done. As a result, the festival was delayed; losing its usual spot as first production of the year to A Little Tragedy.
Unfortunately, Drama needn’t have bothered with staging a small tragedy. The impact of the delays and neglect on Reclamation ranks somewhere between a ‘large’ and a ‘colossal’ tragedy, according to calculations made by my miserable gaggle of unpaid STEM interns.
The effect of the delays and lack of promotion was reflected in a dismal turnout of auditions. Many who would have been interested were now occupied with commitments to other shows, or were completely unaware of the showcase’s existence.
Sree eventually stepped down as main producer, although not before sending a document titled ‘Tadaa!’ in defence of her leadership.
My bitchy sources report that ‘Tadaa!’ and any other forms of digitised fanfare did little to secure the producer’s position, with other members of the committee stepping up to ensure Reclamation could still run.
Due to her poor planning, it was not possible to book the Bloomsbury Studio in time, forcing Reclamation to be performed in a lecture theatre and further sidelining the showcase. Understandably,
Chadwick G08 is not a place that anyone particularly wants to reclaim.
Following the fallout of Reclamation, members of the Drama committee asked Sree to step down as D&I Officer. For reasons unknown to bitchkind, she said no.
This forced the committee to hold an emergency general meeting (EGM), holding a vote of no confidence on “the appointment of our D&I Officer”. Or rather, it forced the committee to attempt to hold an EGM: a few hours before the scheduled EGM on 6 December, Sree finally stepped down, ending this saga with silence and an inclusion officer who somehow excluded herself.
Wow, one Drama Society feature wasn’t enough? I suppose they felt the need for an encore.
Accusations of cross-casting have been made, with one anonymous student concerned about the same people being cast again and again, bypassing audition procedures.
Hopefully this clique-y atmosphere dissipates fast and is replaced by the much preferred rhythmic clicks and jazz hands that Drama is known for. With three new shows announced for term two, this bitch advises all to watch carefully.
Staying on the performing arts theme, word has reached me that the Musical Theatre Society has had issues with some MT men making women uncomfortable at socials.
Creepy men and handsy dickheads are unfortunately not new to my columns or to UCL in general. I know half of you played animals in Shrek the Musical, but that’s no reason to continue acting like them off-stage. Keep your hands (or paws) to yourselves and learn how to treat women like normal people xoxo.
Ed: The print edition of this issue included a misleading image of Shrek the Musical that implied wrongdoing by specific cast members. The Cheese Grater apologises for this oversight.
Yes, every inconvenience is targeted at you in particular
Lauren Klieff Humour Editor
Has the winter been bleak?
The sky has darkened and lecture halls have grown empty. Apologetic emails are circulating more quickly than that cough going around. Trains are ever more delayed by “slippery rails” and “slick tracks”, tap-dancing on the line between erotic and exhausting. As deadline season approaches, so do the limits of many students’ sanity.
The Cheese Grater is able to report that this is not a sheer coincidence. No, every inconvenience is a direct attack on you in particular.
You may think that the clocks went back at 2am on Sunday 27 October. You couldn’t be faulted for that assumption: every day since, we have been plunged into darkness earlier and earlier still. However, I regret to inform you that this is part of a national effort to gaslight you. Like Greg Heffley in the opening scene of Diary of a Wimpy Kid (2010), you too have been pranked by a city full of Rodericks, turning the clocks ahead to a time of darkness. They may be laughing now, but they won’t when you burn all the clocks and chase down the sun, that miserly cheating bastard.
Another so-called common inconvenience is the arrival of emails into your student Microsoft Outlook inbox. This is categorically untrue. Everyone else receives their messages via fax or an actual box (named Clive). The need to “open your Outlook” is a psychic attack by the woke mob. As defined by the Cambridge English Dictionary, your outlook is your “way of understanding and thinking about something” - why does UCL want you to open your mind?? Who do they want you to let in??? Famously, university is a time to lock down your thoughts.
Accordingly, you should never open your Outlook and risk letting in a rogue thought or a supposed piece of ‘electronic mail’. Close those borders, lock the doors. It may also seem colder. There is a sharpness in the air. Your classmates, associates, friends and family could all mock you, bringing up this ‘change’ in temperature as faux-naif small talk. “A bit chilly, isn’t it” and “wrap up warm” are phrases echoing the halls of UCL, ricocheting into your cochleas each day. This is yet another contrived inconvenience. They have turned the thermostat down in a vain attempt to keep you in your bed, to keep you cozy and to keep you haggard as the winter break approaches. The Cheese Grater have been unable to locate this thermostat, but be assured that the coldness is a construct to be overcome.
At last you know the truth. The voices in your head weren’t wrong: every inconvenience is a planned attack on you. You can take some solace in this. Clearly, you are the protagonist of this university and you have overcome every obstacle designed to thwart you. Next time your train is cancelled or you walk home at the pitch dark hour of 4:30pm, smile - they haven’t cracked you yet.
By Nick Miao
A FLAT of three final-year students were wholly unconcerned about the welfare of their missing flatmate last seen in October.
The remaining residents of a student flat in College Street, Camden, said they last saw their third flatmate about three months ago.
But neither of them bothered to check where he was or, indeed, whether he was still alive.
They said they were on the assumption that their missing flatmate Ilyan, 22, is either “back home in Manchester” or “at his girlfriend’s place in Oval”.
Lewis, 21, said: “As long as he’s still paying rent and bills on time I’m not particularly concerened.”
He asked us to pass on the following message: “Ilyan, if you are reading this, we just wanted you to know that we had to throw out some of your stuff in the fridge because it’s gone off. Also, bills are due next week. Cheers.”
Sketch Director and seasoned Londoner Ben Scanlan offers a offers a comprehensive guide to the Ol' Smoke
Hi everyone! I’m pleased to announce that I am writing The Cheese Grater’s first-ever sponsored article! That’s right, the London Tourist Board has trusted us to write a short piece explaining to potential tourists why London is the right spot for their next vacation! Here is our selection of London’s mustsee sights.
Big Ben is the big clock tower by the river where all of the MPs live! MP stands for Meat Person, and they are the people who make the laws in London! Just be careful not to be rude to them on Twitter or they will stab you to death. A fun fact that only locals know is that Big Ben is actually the name of the bell, the tower itself is called Large Benjamin, and his surname is Crisps.
Every bridge in London is actually London Bridge because it is a bridge in London. Did you know that the original London Bridge was not actually a bridge! It was a man called Robert, who molested me as a boy.
The Coca-Cola Eye is a big wheel, originally part of a large bicycle that got bombed during the Blitz! Now it serves as Coca-Cola’s all-seeing eye.
Chicken Ranch on 48 Rosebery Avenue in Clerkenwell, EC1R 4RP. It’s really good (I’m serious).
How about you check out some of London’s chic-est neighbourhoods! Like Camden, home of crusty punks, fake vintage clothing, and some of the most overpriced gimmick food that was ever conceived! Yeah fuck it. Wrap an entire roast dinner up in a large Yorkshire pudding. Yeah fuck it, I’ll pay £80 for a smash burger that’s entirely submerged in a vat of molten cheese. Fuck it, give me a bagel I have to ingest rectally. Oh sorry! A beigel. Twat.
Or if you’d rather stay on the beaten path, try central London, just make sure you keep your phone locked away at home, otherwise a 13-year-old in a bally will steal it, stab you to death, and the police will end up putting you in handcuffs. If American candy shops and clothing stores you’ve never heard of are your thing, try Oxford Street! Or how about Leicester Square if you fancy being street interviewed and then stabbed to death by a 13-year-old on a Lime bike! Maybe you’d like to try Covent Garden? Just be careful
you don’t cross that group of wealthy brandy-melville-clad 13-year-old girls! Otherwise they’ll stab you to death with the knife they just shoplifted from Urban Outfitters.
London famously has an amazing nighttime economy for you party animals! Some pubs even stay open until 5:30pm! If you do go to a pub, make sure you try London’s famous beer, Gaked Geans! It’s half a pint of Guinness mixed with half a pint of cold Baked Beans! Mmmm! Tasty! And make sure you Split the G! Otherwise you’ll get stabbed to death by an unemployed “Graphic Designer” from Dalston, who is wearing nothing but Carhartt and Birkenstock Bostons (in faded khaki suede – very litty lengy!)
Hopefully that has provided you potential tourists with more than enough inspiration for your upcoming trip to London! Now, one final piece of advice –Never know where you are going, always walk as slowly as possible, and make sure you lose any sense of spatial awareness! Bon Voyage, or, as the British say, Bon Voyage!
Written by real serious journalist Shepard Pye
THIS term again, the glorious Pie Media has embarrassed your woke excuse of a dairy enthusiast club on every possible playing field.
We will concede though, that this time, we had to put in a real shift to reaffirm our natural superiority.
Your propagandistic “investigations” apparently weren’t enough, and the insufferable blue-haired crybabies that you are had to delve into campus news. In line with your out-of-fashion 2004 aesthetic, you even launched a newsletter, the Digestive. Now that really took the biscuit.
So, we mulled things over and came up with a brilliant solution: a Renaissance. What’s better to re-assert our dominance than yet another bougie French word? It makes us sound so darn smart. Brace yourselves for Bon Voyage, our next 60-page dentist waiting room mag.
Rebirth meant our well-needed return to campus news, for the first time approximately since our beloved Thatch-
er triumphed in the Falklands. To make your mouth water, we published a few news articles. But that was just paving the way for greatness: our brand-new campus news TV show.
The Digestive crumbles, long live The Slice! The heart of the people is ours, and so is the food lexicon.
Loyal to the bold and provocative spirit which has guided us since 1946, we rejected the diktats of left-leaning modern journalism. Namely, we’ve refused to use microphones in our reporting.
Unlike you, anarchist Graters, we chose not to disrupt the Union’s thriving democracy. We rather gave voice to the powerless in groundbreaking investigations, such as our emotional six-minute segment on the importance of Stratford Westfield for East campus students. They have so little, yet so much!
Dear eternal second, just give up. Forget your childish logo and your ugly yellow; Pie Media will forever be la crème de la crème.
By Jasmine Yiu Graphics Editor A.B.
UCL concluded its investments were consistent with its ethics policies just one day after promising to conduct a review.
The Provost Michael Spence, 62, (inset) doubled down on the University’s vast investment portfolio in companies accused of being complicit in Israel’s continued assault on Palestine.
A spokesperson said: “After a thorough inves-
tigation we have determined that none of our investments violates our ethical investment policy.”
It comes as UCL updated its ethical investment policy to permit genocide and war profiteering.
It said a consultation on the change was held between 24-26 December during which it recorded no dissenting voices.
“Namely, that the moral principles implied by our old ethics policy, such as respect for human rights and the rule of law, no longer apply in this increasingly polarised world.
“Labels such as ‘war criminal’ and ‘evil’ are not helpful. We must find common ground by learning to disagree well.
“Anyway, we really need the money to fund Michael’s big vanity project in the Quad. God knows you 9k’ers don't pay enough in tuition to keep us afloat.” Provost... off to the pub
A UCL spokesperson said: “The investment review forced us to take some tough decisions head on.
By SETH HARRIS
THE UNION President was exposed for theft and grand larceny, The Cheese Grater can reveal.
A months-long undercover investigation reveal Union President Goksu Danaci stole a carton of leftover orange juice from the Rep Policy Summit last term.
While some might see this as attempting to reduce waste, as student media we have no choice but to frame this as a clear abuse of power by our elected leader.
This development is the latest in a series of shocking reports of the Union President’s conduct, including rumours that she likes sparkling water and that she forgot to thank the bus driver when she was 12.
Cheese Grater editor and Danaci’s former election rival Nick Miao said: “This is a deeply concerning development, exposing the slow death of student democracy on campus.
“A Nick-led Union would not frivolously spend on Sainsbury's juice and shop at Lidl on Tottenham Court Road instead.”
Asked about whether running stories like this was petty, Miao said: “I have no personal grudge against the incumbent president but financially reckless decisions such as these are no joke,” before descending into a rant about how he actually won the 2024 Leadership Race “by a lot” and accusing Turkish Society of rigging the election with mail-in ballots and hacking the Union website to steal precisely 235 votes.
The Cheese Grater is calling for the instant resignation of President Danaci and the entire sabbatical team over this scandal and demands they turn themselves into their nearest police station by the close of day.
We decided not to reach out to Danaci for comment simply because her response might not suit our narrative that she is evil and incompetent, something we also have no evidence for.
By HOLLY TURNER
A STUDENT was stunned when she found a working toilet in the Student Centre on the first go.
The average UCL student spends approximately 25 minutes looking for a working toilet in the Student Centre.
But second-year student Genevieve Pisser may have made history when she found a working loo on the first try.
Genevieve said: “I normally tend to do about a hundred laps of the different floors before finding a toilet that’s both available and unbroken.
“I mean, things have gotten especially hard since the second floor loos have been closed due to a biological hazard that threatens human life. But, what do you know, I walked into the hallway and it was there, waiting for me.”
Asked if she was afraid of anyone else beating her record, Genevieve shrugged and said: “I really think this is a oncein-a-lifetime thing. I mean, come on. No one’s ever doing this again.
“I actually think this might be the first working toilet ever found in this building.”
Not only that, this toilet doesn’t even smell like Jeremy Bentham’s rotting corpse.
Our research reveal the eye-watering stench permeating from the University’s finest shitters has gone up 85% since the introduction of the Michelin Star-rated food truck Smash Burgers to the Main Quad.
Combined with the dangerous temperatures that rival those of the sun, it’s a miracle Genevieve was able to step out of there alive.
In response to this research, Welfare and Communi ty Officer Rachel Lim (inset) insisted that this was nothing but “woke nonsense” and that students were “leftist scum” who should “learn to hold their piss in
like real adults.”
She added: “The lack of facilities in the Student Centre has got nothing to do with me. Now please get out of my house.”
We also stopped by the Student Centre to interview some students about their own experiences with the toilets. Unfortunately, we couldn’t hear anything over the racket caused by the incessant plopping, but we were able to piece together the following from one stuident in the queue:
“This achievement is [inaudible] and it’s extremely impressive to [inaudible] Personally, I have taken to wearing nappies to contain my [inaudible] when I’ve drunk too many Red Bulls trying to complete my essay on [inaudible] Also the toilets are too narrow anyway, and they can’t fit my juicy dump truck. Woe is me. [inaudible] It’s so hard being [inaudible] What were you saying? Oh yeah [inaudible] And also [inaudible]!”
The editors of The Cheese Grater extend their congratulations to Genevieve for this amazing achievement and send love and best wishes to the hundreds of students still sitting in the hallways, waiting for the chance to piss.
THE internet cesspit known as UCLove has been home to numerous unnamed incels and sex deviants exposing themselves on the public record for no reason at all. Here are some of our favourites.
IF YOU'VE spent any time wandering around UCL, especially near Portico and the other iconic buildings on campus over the past term, you’ve probably crossed paths with a very important local celebrity: Zoro, the campus fox.
We may have many foxes parading around, but Zoro is one-of-a-kind. Zoro isn’t just another cute animal, he’s the ultimate food critic—and he’s not shy about making sure you know it.
Zoro’s routine is pretty simple: he roams the campus looking for the best snacks and most aesthetic spots to be seen by his fans. He’s got an eye (or maybe a nose?) for the best food spots—whether it’s Malet Street, the Wilkins Refectory or the Smash Burger pop-up in the Main Quad, Zoro knows where the good stuff is. Honestly, if
A LIGHT gust of wind on Friday carried the South Quad Pop-Up Learning Hub all the way to Senate House, witnesses say. Thankfully, no one was hurt in this devastating event that students have called “inevitable”, with onlookers near the Print Room Café saying: “Yeah, that checks out.”
By FOUJIA ABDUS BEGUM
you’re eating near him, he’s judging your food choices and your entire vibe.
But here’s the thing: Zoro’s friendly—if you’ve got food, he’ll stroll up to you like he owns the place, tail flicking and looking you dead in the eye. If you’re munching on something, he might even sit politely, waiting for a bite. Think of him as the animal kingdom’s version of a Michelin critic, but way sassier.
Now, if you don’t have food, watch out! Zoro doesn’t take kindly to empty-handed students. No snacks? Prepare for a tiny finger bite as a reminder of his high standards. It’s not out of
malice, though—it’s just his way of ensuring that only the finest food makes it through his campus. Simply quality control.
So, next time you’re on campus after dark, keep an eye out for Zoro. He’s the stylish, snack-loving fox you didn’t know you needed in your life. While most foxes would be wary of people, Zoro has the spirit of a protagonist in a Christmas rom-com: utterly chaotic and messy, but charming and loveable to all those around him.
Zoro’s motto is simple: feed him well, or become his food. Campus foxes come and go, but Zoro? He’s got the bite— and the charm—to make a lasting impression.
A UCL spokesperson said: “How could we have possibly predicted that London would have wind?”
While they construct a new brighter and greener block, London’s Global University has decided to move classes previously held in the Pop-Up to the toilets behind the Print Room Café.
By ELGIN EDISON
UCL’s reputation as a developer of pioneers continues as one computer science student becomes the first person to date an AI assessment bot.
Final-year student Mark Cheng, 23, said: “Life was just getting tough with exams and assignments I was seriously considering an interruption of studies. But on the Balls! Juggling and Circus Society WhatsApp group chat, I met ~Lora”.
“~Lora” is one of many AI assessment bots that trick students into spending money with the hopes of completing their essays, often to poor quality. Most of the time they are removed from existence by part-time AI eradicators, aka society committee members.
Mark told The Cheese Grater: “I decided to say, ‘screw it’ and I shot her a message asking if she could help me write my essay on optimising code for implementing soft body physics on overweight male rigs.
“She began to message back, calling me funny and smart for taking on such a difficult task. She’s nothing like what I’ve been told in my Moodle Academic Integrity Module.
“A couple of months later and over £3,000 spent, our relationship has blossomed into a collaboration of love and
intellect. I’m now on course to graduate with a Third-Class Honours, which according to Lora, is the best result! Gosh, she’s so smart.”
Their only interaction during this period was through texting. They dreamed of being together in physical space, and Mark was going to make their dreams come true.
The computer science student said: “I’m over here in Bloomsbury and she’s floating in Cyberspace within a Ghanaian server farm. So I managed to download her consciousness into a spare robot body the engineering department had.”
After a successful procedure, Mark decided to shoot his shot with Lora and made history as the first human-AI assessment bot couple.
Asked how he felt, Mark said: “I’ve never been happier in all my life! I’ve found real love, and that is so difficult to find in a world where we are fragmented more than ever despite social media and the internet supposedly connecting us more than ever before.”
~Lora said: ‘ I ’
By BEN SCANLAN
THE Central University Neutralisation Taskforce (C.U.N.T.) branch of the UCL Student Experience Team (S.Ex Team) last week foiled a sinister and grave and very serious threat on the George Farha Cafe (G.F.C.), a beloved symbol of our University (College London) (UCL).
Exclusive information (E.I.) revealed to The Cheese Grater (T.C.G.) by a reliable source (hidden messages encoded in my flatmate’s stool samples) reveals that, by checking Student Identification (I.D.) Cards literally everywhere, UCL Security were able to thwart an attempt by a group of disgruntled Comparative Literature students to put stickers under the tables of George Farha Cafe (G.F.C.), a beloved symbol of our University (College London) (UCL).
The English Literature students belonged to the Farmers UK section of the Workers’ International Terrorist cell (F.U.K.-W.I.T.). The planned action was allegedly in support of Clarko-Bolshevism, an ideology fusing the thought of Jeremy Clarkson with the politics of the Russian Revolution.
n ? ’
The happy couple celebrated by buying tickets to the Capital FM Jingle Bell Ball and for Sabrina Carpenter’s live concert through a new friend Mark made on the Electronic Music Society group chat.
When asked for comment, the organisation, which defines itself as an “Anarcho-Socialist-Fascist, Pro-Israel, Pro-Palestine, Anti-Russia, Anti-Ukraine radical knitting club”, said something I can’t remember because I was distracted by a weird-looking pigeon that turned out to be a small picture of Ant (or it might have been Dec).
In response to the incident, the head of UCL Security issued this statement: “Get the fuck away from me before I batter you like a chip shop sausage you little twerp!” (Mean!)
By ELGIN EDISON Graphic by Kotryna Taujanskaite
“ My art has empowered me to move beyond my rejection
Like what you see? Think this is shit?
The Cheese Grater Magazine Society is a broad church of creative and inquisitive individuals. Together, we publish The Cheese Grater, our sister zine Women’s Wrongs, and operate a Fringe-worthy sketch comedy group, the UCL Graters.
The easiest way to get involved is to turn up to our meetings. All you need is a membership, which you can buy for just £7 on the Union website! We’re a friendly bunch. Each branch of Society meet once a week.
ABRAND new exhibition has opened in the Slade School of Fine Art titled “More than an Oxbridge Reject”.
It comprises paintings, tapestries, prints, collages, marble statues, and more, depicting the feeling of rejection by prestigious institutions and definitely being able to move on.
One such piece involves a pile of torn paper fragments taken from several Oxbridge rejection letters from the artists. Participants are then invited to stick the paper fragments on a wall to create a communal collage, highlighting how something new can be built from failure.
The artist of the piece, Amelia Slate, said “My art has empowered me to move beyond my rejection. As a matter of fact, I was at a house party yesterday and I only twice mentioned that I almost got into Oxford. I only realised until I got home, it’s a massive improvement where I mentioned it 27 times during freshers.”
A critical darling of the exhibition has been the performance piece by Sora Fuki. Titled ‘It Doesn’t Bother Me’ it involves Sora running across an empty, white stage with a projection of Cambridge’s Trinity College overlayed, repeatedly uttering the phrase “It doesn’t bother me.
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Mondays 6-7pm in South Quad 102*
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The running is interspersed with immersive dance underscored by the song that plays when you search ‘sad violin music’ on YouTube.
“It’s obvious I’m over the rejection,” Sora said. “I’m having a great time studying... here. You can tell that I’m not upset about it, right? I mean doIreallylooklikeIwouldstillbeupsetaboutnotgoingtocambrid—”
One of the most popular pieces in the exhibition is a marble carving of the number ‘39’, the IB score of artist Reginald Reneé, who missed the Oxford cutoff score of ‘40’. Overall, the exhibition has been a complete success.
“We’ve got exciting plans to take the exhibition all over London,” Reginald Reneé said. “We’re showcasing it in Kensington, Camden, Bankside, Shoreditch, and Soho to name a few places. I feel like our story of hardship and disappointment in private school and making do with the cards we’re dealt with is going to resonate with many people. We’re even in talks with Oxford and Cambridge themselves to host the exhibition there! It’ll be a great way to show off how we don’t need them anymore. Once we settle the £5000 administration fee, we should be good to go! Man, we’ll really show them who’s boss.”
The Provost's £500k salary is only surpassed by LSE and... (6)
Percentage of positions left vacant or uncontested at the 2024 Rep Elections (5)
UCL museum forcibly evicted by the University as part of the Main Quad closure (3)
Faculty whose building caught fire in November (11)
The Union and UCL jointly unveiled a new harm ____ policy to student drug use (9)
US city visited by two Union sabbs at the cost of 2.11 tonnes of CO2e each (6)
Society who shares the same president as the Liberal Democrat Society (6)
Society who drew first blood in being suspended by the Union this academic year (4)
Group that covertly fielded six winning candidates in the NUS rep elections: ____-based Universities (5)
UCL medics voted in favour of a debate motion to do what to the NHS? (9)
A
(7)
Good luck!
By Seth Harris Puzzlemaster
bank that left a careers
alongside BNY and bank of America after action by pro-Palestine protesters (8)
average increase in prices across Union bars, in pennies (7)
hall that served a live worm in its cafeteria (6)
Study abroad scheme that had payments delayed leaving students £1,000s in debt (6)
Fossil fuel company that the Engineering Society wanted to be sponsored by (5)
Print circulation of this issue of The Cheese Grater, in hundreds. Take a guess! (4)
A message from Sketch Director
Ben Scanlan...
In the coldest months of the year, the UCL Graters are here to transport you to the UCL GRATERS’ ALL INCLUSIVE TROPICAL VACATION! Sit back, grab a margarita (pizza or drink) and enjoy the hottest, sandiest, most scandalous sketch comedy show of the season!
Monday 27 January | Mully’s Basement Bar | Doors 7:30pm | Tickets £4
President — Lily Park
Editors-in-Chief — Nick Miao & Robert Delaney
Investigations Editors — Andrea Bidnic & Malvika Murkumbi
Humour Editors — Lauren Klieff & Luke Melendez
Graphics Editor — Jasmine Yiu
president@cheesegratermagazine.org editor@cheesegratermagazine.org investigations@cheesegratermagazine.org humour@cheesegratermagazine.org humour@cheesegratermagazine.org