Sex & the Spires

My experiment in Oxford dating has sadly come to an end. Different sized test tubes have been sampled, various methods have been trialled, and the hypothesis pretty much remains the same: dedicating a term to having sex will result in equal amounts of confusion and fulfilment and a serious lack of academic commitment. Swiping through faces on apps just isn’t as sexy as a romcom meet-cute but it’s excellent procrastination nonetheless, and has brought more fun than heartbreak. Ultimately, more time has been spent swiping than typing, but I’ve significantly increased my body count, visited more colleges than ever before, and almost ended up agreeing to be (what I probably began writing this column craving) ‘exclusive’ with someone. I’ve also learnt many lessons this term which I will now proceed to share with you. I’m sure that at this point in my sex columnist career, I am the oracle of sexual knowledge for many Cherwell readers out there.

1. Casual sex just isn’t for everyone

However, I think I may have mastered it. Yes, ‘good for you!’ I hear you say. Get back to me when I’m in tears at the end of 8th week as I may be getting a bit too close for comfort with one of my late-night buddies. But for now, I’m slaying at the casual sex game. No commitment, no feelings, and I’m cold-hearted enough not to feel bad about using someone for my own pleasure. It isn’t for everyone but that doesn’t mean that you should send a brash ‘it’s not you it’s me’ message on your walk home – catching feelings might not always be one-sided and sometimes all you need is a ‘casual sex breakdown’ to bring you some much needed clarity.

2. Choose your date location carefully …and coordinate with your friends so you don’t end up on a quasi-double date in the Lamb and Flag. A debrief in the bathrooms is not worth overhearing familiar anecdotes at the table beside you. On the other hand, don’t suggest somewhere that is a million miles from your accommodations. No, I don’t fancy walking a half-marathon before we get into bed so you have no right to be surprised when I’d rather cut the race short and call it a night as I pass my own bed.

3. Ask whatever the hell you like Particularly if a date’s not going great, what do you have to lose? I’ve had some wildly enlightening conversations this term when I went in with the hard-hitters like “why are you single” and “when was the last time you had sex”. You might get a strange look but that, I promise you, will be followed by admiration for having the balls to ask such brazen questions. You could save yourself some time by finding out that he is a bigger jerk than you thought earlier in the evening, or even from potential illness by quizzing them on past sexual experiences to the point of being told that they “more than likely” have an STI. You might even get a chance to look through your date’s Tinder profiles to check out who you’re up against.

4. ‘X is typing…’ actually works

The classic Snapchat ploy of typing a message with no intention of sending will almost always work. They will take the bait. Those 3 little dots can work magic and your sly attempt to catch their attention will, if you want it to, usually be followed by an invitation. On that note, I have also learnt that a “u up?” message at midnight will without fail be received favourably. The fewer the messages required before you are out the door the better, in my opinion.

5. Never tell your date that you write a sex column for Cherwell

I’ve made a few promises I’ve found hard to keep this term and “don’t put me in” was a phrase I heard once or twice. But the reactions were worth it and it does mean that if I ever fancy taking pen to paper and continuing my sex columnist career then I certainly have a few more stories to share.