Motherhood is not Martyrdom

Not A Lifetime of Sacrifice

By: Jillian Amodio

Motherhood is not martyrdom. What is martyrdom, specifically Motherhood Martyrdom? Motherhood Martyrdom is when a woman feels the need to completely give up their own wants and needs once they become a mother. It is no secret that motherhood requires great sacrifice. As mothers, we sacrifice our bodies to grow and/or nurture a young life. We sacrifice our hearts to love another being more than we ever thought possible. We sacrifice our sleep, our personal space, our privacy, our time, and so much more. Motherhood by the nature of the job entails a lifetime of sacrifice. And yet, motherhood is still a role that brings great honor, joy, and fulfillment to many. Motherhood is many things, but one thing it is not, is martyrdom. Motherhood is a job unlike any other mainly because we are thrown into it with virtually no training and gain from it no compensation, unless getting paid in hugs, kisses, handmade gifts, and the occasional tantrum counts. It has long been a societal norm that the mother is the emotional glue, the healer of hearts, and the keeper of schedules when it comes to maintaining the emotional wellbeing and logistical maintenance of the family as a whole. It is important to remember who we are as individuals and not identify ourselves only by our relation to others.

Change Is Challenging

Even the most self assured woman can easily become so lost in the role of motherhood that she no longer remembers the woman she once was. All of a sudden it is as though the world has shifted and the central focus is on the child while the mother remains somewhere off in the peripheral, a constant figure, needed, but rarely noticed. The woman of course, has always existed, but the mother

has just arrived. Somewhere along the way, the role of mother becomes so consuming that the woman who once existed prior to the child often becomes forgotten. Becoming a mother is all about finding the balance, and marrying what once was, with what currently is as we move forward.

The Ideal Mother Myth

The ideal image of a mother as portrayed in movies, media, and television is a doting figure who is always available, ever-patient, beautiful, poised, and always smiling. This is the picture many of us grow up with, when in reality, a mother is just another woman, although she is a woman of great significance. A good mother is a woman to be honored, loved, revered, and cherished by those she cares for. But she is in reality just another woman. Mothers are not superheroes. We are not ‘Super Moms,’ superwoman, or super human in any way. We are women, we are people, we are human. Moms have human emotions and human limits just like anyone else. And yet too often we see good mothers berating themselves and judging themselves. Mothers run themselves into the ground to meet the impossibly high standards placed upon us by society, our families, and sometimes ourselves.

Where’s the Balance?

An interesting thing begins to happen as mothers sink deep into the self sacrificial roles we take on. Sometimes, mothers begin to wear self-sacrifice as a badge of honor symbolizing our devotion to motherhood. Not because we are looking for attention or accolades, but because we are striving to prove that we can uphold the impossible standards that have been imposed upon us. In reality, our society praises the overworked woman. As mothers we are told to give ourselves wholly to motherhood, while still being expected to contribute to society in a myriad of other ways as well. Employee, friend, caretaker, maid, driver, cook, volunteer, etc. The hats we wear are many, and there are not enough days in the year to wear them all. Work-life balance is virtually non-existent and the mental load that mothers bear is a burden far too heavy. This is the cost of motherhood. But it doesn’t have to be.

Boundary Setting

One of the most compassionate things we can do for ourselves as mothers, and for those in our care is to begin setting compassionate boundaries. Compassionate boundaries honor the needs and limitations of the individual while doing what they can to address and respect the needs and desires of others in return. For those who don’t often set boundaries, this can feel like a foreign concept and bring with it extensive feelings of guilt. The problem with not setting boundaries, is that ultimately we end up giving too much. By being endlessly selfless and giving without boundaries, we cease to exist. Both in a literal sense, as we experience things like burnout, depression, and chronic fatigue. But also in a metaphorical sense where we become so enmeshed in meeting the needs and desires of others that we completely fail to remember who we once were, or what we once found enjoyable with regards to self care.

Learn to Say No

We are allowed to say no. We are allowed to propose a compromise. We are allowed to be a bit more selfish. When you or your child are invited to an event and for whatever reason you can’t or don’t want to go you can say, “thank you for the invitation, but we already have plans.” If you are asked to volunteer for a school or community event and you just don’t have it in you to commit you can say, “no I cannot volunteer that day but thank you so much for thinking of me.” When it has been a long day and your child wants to play with you, you can say, “I would love to play with you, but first I need to sit for a few minutes. I am tired, would you like to sit with me and watch a show/read a book/listen to music and we can play later?” The point is, guilt tends to make its presence known where it doesn’t belong. Make peace with your humanness. Our comfort, our emotions, and our experiences are just as important as anyone else’s and we must first take care of ourselves. We need to model behavior for our children to look up to, but also to ensure that we are being tended to in the way we need to be. That way we can thrive through motherhood rather than just survive it.

Simple Steps To Shed The Martyrdom

Once we become a mommy martyr, it can take quite a bit of undoing, but it’s all part of the journey. As moms, we need to take small steps towards rediscovering ourselves. • Take time for yourself. Maybe that means picking up an old hobby we gave up long ago, or maybe it means discovering something completely new. • Give Up a Little Control. Maybe we are the best cook in the house. Maybe we fold the laundry neater than our partner, or organize the playroom better than our children. But in an effort to shed some of the mental load and offload some of the extra tasks, we have to make peace with the fact that allowing others to do things, even if they don’t do it our way, is often good enough. • We have to ask for help. Many moms are so good at juggling everything that we don’t even think to ask for assistance. But handing off just one task can lighten the load more than we realize. • Wherever you are in your motherhood journey from infanthood to empty-nester, remember that you are worth it. You matter just as much as anyone else. Motherhood does not equal martyrdom.