Apple-ATCH-Uh
A Plum-Simple, Easy-as-Pie, Complete 11-Step How-To Manual on Bein from McKee, Kentucky (Now with a built-in, handy-dandy checklist!)
here.
Disclaimer:
The author does not claim that this list will make you a full-fledged hillbilly from Eastern Kentucky. The author urges you to think
critically before proceeding with any of the following steps while
in front of your kinfolk, and claims no responsibility for resulting physical injury nor injury to your pride.
□ 1. Say Appalachia as “Apple-
ATCH-uh,” and without any pauses. “Ah-puh-LAY-shuh,” is for them Yanks, Hoosiers, an Buckeyes. Say it Ahpuh-LAY-shuh and we can tell real quick yain’t from around here. Ah-puh-LAY-shuh is a sign of an outsider. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll still be nice to y’all, but best believe we’ll rib on you if we catch you sayin’ anything but Apple-atch-uh.
* Old Fort Boonesborough, Madison County, KY.
From page 587 of “Collins’ historical sketches of Kentucky : history of Kentucky” (1878)
□ 2. Speakin’ of, you need to
get your second person pronouns in sort. Typically in the south, “y’all” can be a catch-all pronoun for singular and plural use. Not here in Eastern Kentucky. “You” and “ya” are acceptable for singular use, but not “yous,” ya damn Yank. “Y’all” is primarily used in the plural form, and in Kentucky it’s acceptable to replace it with “you all,” “you guys,” or “yuns.” Take care in using “all y’all” as they usually precede fightin’ words. And, for Christ’s sake, the apostrophe goes before the A, not after.
Image from page 22 of “Report of the Kentucky State Agricultural
Society to the legislature of Kentucky for the years 1856 and 1857
* The Frostyette, Sand Gap, Jackson County, KY. 1959.
□ 3. There’s a long list of food
you need to learn to enjoy. Biscuits and gravy are the foundation of breakfast. If you can’t make biscuits from scratch, store bought will do. Make gravy from sausage or bacon grease, flour, and milk. Store bought is unacceptable. Put it on toast instead of biscuits and you got “S.O.S.,” meanin’ “shit on-a shingle.” Other required foods include chicken n’ dumplins, home-canned green beans, blackberries & honeysuckle from the bushes behind your house, and, most importantly, soup beans & corn bread. (Note: the author likes neither soup beans nor corn bread, and can’t be considered an authority on those two.)
* Burning Springs, Clay County, KY. Date unknown.
* Main Street, Manchester, Clay County, KY. 1940.
□ 4.
When goin’ on vacation, you have a couple-a choices. The Gatlinburg / Pigeon Forge / Knoxville area of Tennessee, or Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Why we’ve chosen those two exclusively I don’t know, but I ain’t complainin’.
Image from page 186 of “The babyhood of wild beasts” (1917)
* Cumberland Gap National Historical Park, KY. May 1957
□ 5. Hassle UofL fans the minute
you see ‘em. Any success they have is ‘cos the other team went easy on ‘em. There are only two sports teams you need to support; your local high school’s sports teams and good ol’ UK basketball. Y’all are in Big Blue Nation, so you oughta act like it. Own at least one UK blue shirt (preferably multiple), have a sticker on your truck, and post live status updates about the game on Facebook as it happens. Put #GoCats and #BBN in your social media profiles if you’re a youngin and you have ‘em.
□ 6. Speakin’ of, cornhole and horseshoe are legitimate sports, especially so at family reunions. Not participatin’ might make your mamaw sad.
* David “Stringbean” Akeman. Born in Annville, Jackson County, KY,
July 4, 1916 and died November 10, 1973. He was best known for his
banjo picking. The namesake of Jackson County’s Stringbean Festival.
□ 7. You need to have at least
three musicians in your family: a singer, a guitar player, and a mandolin or banjo player. Singing takes place at church on Sundys, and pickin n’ grinnin is reserved for reunions.
□ 8.
O Brother, Where Art Thou? and Fried Green Tomatoes are now your favorite movies. According to your high school yearbook, your favorite book is the Bible.
* Moonshine Raid in Jackson County, KY. Mid 1940s.
* Copper worm from a moonshine still in Jackson County, KY. 1959.
State Trooper James Fitzgerald & Jackson County Deputy Marshall Ross
□ 9. Say it with me: “It ain’t
bourbon if it ain’t made in Kentucky. It ain’t moonshine if it ain’t made in Appalachia.”
□ 10.
Gettin’ called a hillbilly by your hillbilly family and friends is acceptable. Getting’ called a hillbilly by a Yank is fightin’ words.
If you can’t complete all or even any of the steps above, y’all’ll be fine with this last rule:
□ 11. Faith and God above all else, family next, and everything else follows after.
Cheyenne Nolan.
Usurped genre piece.
ENGL 304 - Creative Non-Fiction.
Professor Robin Mozer.
Images marked with an asterisk (*) obtained from Kentucky History Facebook page.
Unmarked images are used under a
creative commons license and are
sourced from the Flickr Commons. Type is Courier New.
Body copy is set 11/15.
Images captions are set 7/11. Saddlestitch binding. University of Louisville, 2017.