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How do I start dating again a er being dumped for being fat?

By DAN SAVAGE

Q : I’m a 41-year-old lesbian. Back when I was 26, I weighed 125 pounds and had a girlfriend. Sex with “Amy” was mind-blowing. Amy was exactly my type from head to toe, and she had more experience than me, so she really opened me up sexually. Our physical chemistry was off the charts. Unfortunately, Amy and I broke up (dysfunctional relationship issues), and then I moved to the west coast. Fast forward to age 31. I weighed 165 pounds, but I carried it well. Then I fell into a severe depression and had to live with my parents for a while. Amy lived about two hours away from me at that time. She’d seen me at my new weight and was still interested in me. Amy called me every night for months.

After months of talking, we decided to meet up in person. However, because of depression meds and “mom’s cooking” and whatever else, I was approximately 200 pounds when we finally met up. Amy and I started sleeping togeth- er again, but it was obvious that she wasn’t into me physically anymore. The insanely good sex we once had together never returned. Within a few months, she told me she was attracted to other people, and we ended things. I want to be very, very clear when I say that I do not blame Amy at all for losing attraction to me due to my weight. Going from 135 to 200 within five years is an extreme amount of weight gain. But the experience broke my heart and I have not had sex or even kissed anyone since. That’s nine years of celibacy.

I was (and am) deeply ashamed of my body. I continued to receive treatment for depression—lots of different psych meds, lots of group and individual therapy, etc., and my mental health has slowly but steadily improved. But I also gained more weight and I lost every last drop of self-acceptance about my body.

I went from loving my body, to being OK with it, to being dumped for it, to becoming severely obese. I finally started seeing a weight loss doctor last year and have begun to slowly lose some of the weight. I’m down to 230 pounds from my 275 max. I really want to have sex again, but I can’t even stay on dating sites for more than a few days before deleting my profile, because I’m so horribly ashamed of how I look. I used to be young! And hot! And pretty! And hot girl Amy wanted to fuck me! Constantly! I don’t want to get back together with Amy, not at all, but I miss the kind of life-altering sex she and I used to have when my body was at its best.

How do I even begin trying to start dating and having sex again when I was dumped for getting fat and have such self-loathing and shame about my body?

—FAT MIDDLE-AGED CELIBATE LESBO

a: “To begin to work on accepting our bodies it’s essential to get to the core of the issue,” said Elle Chase, a certified sexologist, sex, relationship, and body-image coach, and the author of Curvy Girl Sex: 101 BodyPositive Sex Positions to Empower Your Sex Life.

And at the core of your issue, FMACL, you’re not going to find your weight gain or the trauma of being dumped by hot girl Amy.

No, according to Chase, your issues go much deeper, FMACL, and they’re cultural, not individual.

“From the day we are born, we are inundated with madeup, ever-changing standards for beauty and our bodies,” said Chase. “These standards are rooted in systems of oppression like patriarchy, white supremacy, and capitalism. These man-made ideas of attractiveness and desirability distort, skew, and infect our perception and opinion of ourselves—and others—convincing us that we must look a certain way in order to be sexually desirable or deserving. But that’s a lie!”

Because sexual attraction is highly subjective—there are lots of different people out there, FMACL, and different people find different bodies and different body types and different personalities attractive.

“It’s just like art,” said Chase. “We could be looking at the same painting and have two very different feelings or opinions about it. And neither of us is wrong.”

Differing tastes in art may be easy for us to wrap our heads around. We’re not going to take it personally when a friend—or a stranger on a dating app—disagrees with us about pointillism or surrealism or cubism. The stakes are higher when we’re the painting someone else thinks is beautiful (when we don’t feel beautiful) or doesn’t feel is beautiful (when we wish they would).

“When what you see in the mirror doesn’t match that artificial standard it’s hard for your brain to see you as the inherently sexually desirable human that you are,” said Chase. “Your brain becomes an unreliable narrator trying to protect you from the pain of rejection by telling you that you aren’t attractive or sexually desirable enough to deserve a sex life.”

So, how does one—how do you—dismantle this, er, sys-

tem of self-oppression?

“Here’s a ‘CliffsNotes’ version with some hopefully useful tips,” said Chase. “FMACL needs to rewire her brain by disrupting negative self-talk patterns. If she hates what she looks like and her inner dialog is endorsing [that self-hatred], she should acknowledge her feelings—if you feel like crap, you feel like crap, and it’s important to validate that— and then say something true but neutral to herself. Something like, ‘This is what my body looks like today,’ or, ‘I feel ugly, but feelings aren’t facts.’ My favorite mantra: ‘What I think of my body is none of my business.’ Don’t be discouraged. I know it’s challenging, but it’s a lifelong practice that I myself continue to do daily.”

As for dating—as for putting yourself out there on a dating app and staying out there—Chase advises lowering the stakes for now.

“FMACL can take the pressure off herself for now by just dating for practice,” said Chase. “The goal is not to get laid or find a new partner, but to grow more at ease and confident with herself. Notice how it feels to go out with people and have conversations, share experiences, even flirt. She should pay attention to how she’s feeling rather than what she assumes her date is feeling. Prioritize her own joy, comfort, and desires over all else right now—she deserves nothing less.”

To learn more about Elle Chase, her work, and the services she provides, visit her website (ellechase.com).

Chase is offering readers of Savage Love 15 percent off a session or package if you use the code SAVAGE. v

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