SEX ISSUE

for sex as commerce. This is why many more clubs exist outside of the city limits where regulations and ordinances vary per city. That isn’t to say swinger parties aren’t happening in Chicago; they are just more private. “You have to get on things like FetLife or SLS” to find parties happening around the city, says Wild & Sublime founder Yates.

Yates explains to me over a Zoom call that it’s been a small coming-out process for her. Last year in November, we met up at a coffee shop in Lincoln Square where we briefly discussed her experiences in the swinger community, but on our Zoom call, we got into the nitty gritty. Now that she’s started a podcast and her thoughts on sex positivity are publicly being shared, she says, “I’m so much more comfortable being like, ‘I’m a sex positive babe, and I have sex.’”

About five years ago, she attended her first swinger party as a single woman. A previous partner led her through the process and explained how the parties work. “It was so new to me,” she says. “I was so intrigued and I was so frightened simultaneously. It was this push-pull.”

“I did not want to be around heteronormative people. I knew enough about swingers to know that it was extremely heteronormative. The men were content to see two women getting it on, but God forbid two men actually touch,” explains Yates. “What I did was I spent a month or two researching online trying to find a party.” She decided to look for explicitly bisexual male-friendly parties. As a result, she found Couples Choice. Dawn and Dave ran Couples Choice in Markham for 16-and-a-half years before it was closed down by the town’s mayor. “It is explicitly bi-friendly and a larger number of men are allowed,” explains Yates.

While it wasn’t a queer scene by any means, it was still largely open and accepting. Through Couples Choice, she found folks having parties in Chicago inside of people’s homes.

Yates explains to me that hotel takeovers happen a lot more than private housing parties. Renting an entire floor is easier and more relaxed than dedicating your entire home to a party. “People just run around and they fuck,” says Yates. “It’s also a way for people to organize larger sex parties. They will rent out two adjoining suites and invite 15 friends who all chip in. People are creative if they need mattresses.”

When I ask Yates about the demographics at swinger parties, she tells me, “In the cis-heteronormative world, they are younger, under 40. Swingers in their 20s and 30s. And then there’s the swinger umbrella term that is going to typically skew a little older. My assumption is that people start knowing their sexual proclivities as they get older. Second, if people have been in long-term relationships, eventually [they] want to add something to it. There are these two dynamics.”

In my research, I’ve found that clubs can be very segregated and specific. “A lot of times they are very white,” says Yates. “What you see happening are more specialized swinger clubs, or sometimes, like at Couples Choice, they always rented out to specialized groups. And by ‘specialized,’ I mean African American, Latino, bisexual.” Cities like New Orleans, Miami, and San Francisco have more flourishing swinger parties and clubs that aren’t getting shut down by law enforcement. “But in [Chicago], there is not as much interplay. However, if you’re looking at queer play parties, those are different than swinger parties. There are subtleties. There are differences. After a while I found that the swingers parties were a little bit bloodless,” explains Yates. She describes her experiences at swinger parties like a “hit and run.” She had a harder time building relationships, whereas with queer parties in the city, there is “emotional juice” developing between folks as there is more fluidity. “At first, swinger parties were super, super fun for me in my sexual journey. It felt like a fucking playground. After a while, I was like, ‘eh.’” She explains that the certain amount of effort in going to the parties eventually wore on her, and like with any process, she began to learn more about herself. “I took time off, but I probably will return.” For a year, Yates says she used to go every other month to a party, but then she started to move toward the private play parties (with more curated guest lists) that were more interactive and relational. “That was the next phase for me,” she says.

One woman in particular who threw private parties recently moved away, leaving Yates feeling crushed. The guest list was curated and invite-only which eradicated any feelings of uneasiness for Yates. “It’s a very real factor. It’s like a dance club. Like, ‘Hey babe, wanna dance?’ and you’re like, ‘No . . .’” Although Yates assures me the parties are a safe environment, there is still an effort to navigate the space and manage single cis men. Hosts and hostesses have to calibrate how many guests make sense. There can’t be too many single cis men, but there do need to be enough. “If there are too many single men, the men who are partnered feel threatened. Again, this is a hetero thing,” so hosts of the parties have to make sure there is an even ratio where certain folks don’t overpower the others in the overall setting.

I ask Yates if she has any tips for how newbies can get into the swinging lifestyle.

She reminds me, “You don’t have to play at a play party.” Folks can simply attend and walk around and watch. “Yes, people are voyeurs, so it’s a very real sexual thing. But a lot of times in couples, one person in a couple wants to swing and their partner is not on board with it, so the person who wants to says, ‘Well let’s just go to a party and you can at least see it. We don’t have to do anything, or we can go have sex by ourselves in a corner.’ And that happens! That’s enough of a thrill.” Yates explains that there isn’t one way to play the swinger scene. “You don’t even have to take your clothes off. A lot of times what happens is that [people] are getting less and less dressed. In terms of exploration, you can just go and not do a damn thing.” In the past few years, Yates hasn’t played as much as she used to, but she still attends.

But the sex positivity community is essential for Yates. She literally created an event where she interviews sex experts to combat stereotypes and taboos. “People who live outside of the heteronormative, monogamous culture often experience a good amount of sexual shame—they may feel that they have to live in secret; it can often feel isolating, and they may have experienced ridicule from others,” explains Zar, the marriage and family therapist. “Shame can be healed by feeling like part of a community, knowing that you’re not alone, and sharing your experience with others.”

For many folks, swinging involves friendship and community more than sex. The safety and ability to eradicate shame creates a healthy, consensual space for folks. When I ask Carla what the swinger community means to her, she says, “They are my best friends.” v