Supporting people in moments of dysregulation

Kimberley Harper & Sonia Adolphs > Yourtown

Whether you are an educator, director or parent, we have all experienced dealing with others who may be in a dysregulated state.

Dysregulation can often be contagious, and we can become infected without knowledge. The nature of dysregulation means that our thinking brain is not exactly in its best state to respond to the situation. The level of how contagious it might be also has something to do with us. Some of us feel comfortable and supportive of a distressed or dysregulated person.

How do we know if you are a person who struggles when others become dysregulated. How do we regulate ourselves and then be the best support for the person who needs us?

Firstly, does your brain just kind of switch off; do you tend to talk faster? Is everything feeling rushed? Is your heart beating faster?

Note this will look different for everyone. We want to know our signs of dysregulation first to catch and regulate ourselves. It’s not easy, especially when dealing with a distressed or dysregulated person. If we have the space to prepare, assessing distress can be practical and a way to determine the pathway of support. Who am I supporting? What has happened? How do I feel about the current situation? What do they need? What are my role and responsibilities? The above are all practical questions to think about and assess if you find yourself in a situation. They consider both the person and where you sit. Regardless of who they are to you and the relationship you share, putting yourself in their shoes and providing an empathetic lens of support can create a feeling of being in the moment with the person you are supporting. Understanding what distress or dysregulation looks like for someone can also pave the way to be in the moment. Different people, when distressed, respond differently and have conflicting behaviours in changing circumstances.

We want to listen to the language that the person is using and stay within this language group to assist them in regulating. If we remain in their space where they feel the most comfortable, when they are distressed, we are less likely to retrigger someone and more likely to regulate them to when they can have a clear and supported conversation. Gauging what state a person is experiencing distress can determine how you support the person. Help regulate them in their present. When a distressed person is using emotional language, we want to use this language to systematically calm them by saying things like, I can see that you feel let down; I want to help you. Why not explain it to me slowly; we can figure it out together? When someone is presenting, using action style language, they may want information such as what happened or try and understand why. When regulating someone, we want to stay in that space. We can respond with I want to understand too. I want to hear what you have to say; we will figure out this moving forward together. When the person is calm and regulated, resolution conversations can occur.

Strategies for deescalating distress:

• Talk slower

• Think about your facial expressions – do they convey empathy? • Is the tone of your voice calm? • How could your body language be perceived? • Empathy • Connection – I want to help you.

Supporting someone who is displaying anger can be challenging to regulate. We must remember that this does not have to be a negative emotion, but it is valuable to identify how you sit with anger. Is it confronting, do you feel challenged, or is it a space you can work well? Whatever your status, safety always comes first. When a safe space is shared, you’re in a position to support anger by modelling calmness, displaying a willingness to listen and aiming the conversation that focuses on information. Sometimes you actively need to slow it down to promote meaningful dialogues whilst using open-ended questions that encourage explanations and validation while avoiding arguments. Some encouraging statements may include: I know this is important so please elaborate? I want to get this right to help you. Not being in a rush to fix or reassure someone experiencing anger is key to showing empathy and focusing on a non-judgmental approach. Supporting someone in this position goes beyond the communication skills of active listening; the use of silence, non-verbals, minimal encouragers, paraphrasing and utilising clarifying questions are equally as good. Although these skills are crucial for successful interactions with a person in distress, we must be also self-aware in the moment of supporting a dysregulated situation. Being present and remaining calm is comforting for people who cannot connect with other social supports. When traumatized people feel safe and, their vulnerability is triggered, they are likely to let out their frustrations, anger, resentment and blame. Look beyond these emotions to establish the underlying need. It is crucial to take a non-judgmental view of the individual and not personalise this behaviour. Being self-aware in dysregulated situations is key to successfully supporting a person experiencing this distress. But equally as important, you must practice self-care by choosing activities that help you reflect and learn from dysregulated situations. Remember, these can be different for each of us so, detailing an incident and off-loading your experience can assist self-regulation. Of course, being kind to yourself is a given, so make sure you take time out and do something meaningful to yourself.