Iwas eight.
I noticed that my brother used to get letters.
I didn’t get any.
None at all.
When his friends went on holiday, they sent him cards and jokes and he ’ d sit there, laughing and pointing at them.
‘ Yeah. . .hee hee. . .really good. ’
Sometimes, he ’ d get some kind of letter from people he didn’t even know: something
the letter said was an ‘ offer ’ something going cheap or even for free.
But me I got nothing. Nothing at all. And I was jealous of him.
Until one day I was looking at the newspaper that Mum and Dad got and there was an ad for a special ‘ Memory Course ’ . It said the Memory Course would help you find what it called your ‘ Inner Mind Force ’ . If you could find your Inner Mind Force you would be able to remember everything. And down the bottom, down at the very bottom there was a little form. You had to fill in your name and address, send it off
and you ’ d get a letter back telling you how you would find your Inner Mind Force.
Simple as that.
Fill in the form with my name and address. Sit and wait.
And I ’ d get a letter!
Now of course I wasn’t that bothered about my Inner Mind Force. What I wanted was a letter. And that ’ s exactly what they promised. I ’ d get a letter.
Then I looked for some more of these ads.
There was one on how to cure baldness. I was only eight years old and I wasn’t bald but – send off for information –and I ’ d get a letter!
Easy as that!
There was another one about a chair that went up the side of the stairs.
I didn’t need a chair that went up the side of the stairs but – yes – send off for information and. . .
I ’ d get a letter!
Easy as that!
And there were some more and I sent them all off. I did it secretly.
I didn’t tell anyone.
Then I went up to my brother and said really casually:
‘ Hey, I bet – out of us two I get more letters than you. ’ He said, ‘ What?!
What are you talking about?
No one writes to you.
You never get any letters. ’
‘ OK,’ I said, ‘ let ’ s see.
We’ll keep a score. Me and you. See who gets more. ’
‘ Great,’ he said – shook my hand – ‘ done! ’
‘ Oh hang on,’ I said, ‘ What do I get when I’ve won? ’
‘ No prizes,’ he says,
‘ but whoever loses has to do whatever the winner says. ’
‘ Great!’ I said.
‘ Great!’ he said.
He must have thought I was crazy to have taken him on.
He was dead sure he would win.
Inside I was so excited.
I thought: I can ’ t wait to see his face when these letters start turning up.
Well, I didn’t have to wait long.