on childhood & being a parent
the heart we grew
issue #1
zine title credit goes to the musician JONES, for her lyrics off of the song “waterloo” “but if i could see it through, i give it all to you, carry the heart we grew…” all art is by EDI ZERMENO. find her work on IG @edi_zermeno & facebook.com/ezermenofineart
i am someone who throughout life has been curious about relationships, about loving, about how caring for one another works (or what doesn't work, needs tending to, etc). im that bitch who loves love! sign me up! i figured it was time to write more thoroughly about my favorite subject: how relationships are maintained and built, how and maybe why they end, how they change (us) and the interconnectedness and responsibility of all relationships we engage in on planet earth. the work shared here comes from joy, sorrow, trauma, growth and my attempts at being open and truthfull. the first zine for the heart we grew focuses mainly on childhood and what it really means to be a parent. The heart we grew, created by chillona apple 2018
trustwerthyness days we stay in clearly win over days we go out it doesn't feel like much --- it feels like everything we're usually alone, together, one of us probably needs a shower the other is excited or laughing about something i can be impatient about us not going out together or worry that you being ‘stuck’ at home most of the days is not good for you See, i listen to others sometimes, thinking they know what's best for you !!! only you do !!! i do my best to listen through your words, noises, facial expressions, body movements and guide you whenever it is necessary. it's scary when i don't know if how im being a parent is good for you i have to stop listening to all other voices and opinions of how you should be, how i should be, how we should be, To do that, I must trust you. And trust us.
* what types of ideas and guidance had you wished to have received while growing up? What would you want youth now and in future generations to have an understanding of?
how grieving is apart of life and grieving is not only about death (which is equally important to talk about and finds ways to grieve and respect death). asking for consent, consent is mandatory. creating and respecting boundaries. how to better handle rejection. how to look after your money/budgeting. letting go, moving on and end of relationship processes. being as fluid as possible. self love is many moments, responses, movements. the gift that is solitude. adults don't have it all together. apologizing and how that includes changing behavior or awareness of your limits if you don't want to change (that may include people having to leave you, if they haven't left because of your initial impact). finding and accepting your own pace in life. you don't have to figure everything out right away. your biological family may not be the family you need. you can't please everybody and if you cannot please one other person, look after and please yourself. recognizing your privileges in society. kindness is not weakness. having and sharing emotions and thoughts are not you being too sensitive. point out/name/call out oppression and abusive behavior and learn how to do that in different ways. there are many ways to knowledge. imagination, creativity and art are life sustaining and important. practice and learn your passions and interests with as much frequency as possible.
bottom image: willow smith and jada pinkett smith meditating
first image: poly styrene and her daughter celeste in 1981, pic: ed fenton for nme
My child has given me many gifts throughout his life. Not to say he needs to be giving me gifts simply because he was born from me. No I am just appreciative of him, his life. And that also includes him teaching me. I consistently say to myself - I’m so blessed to have this person with me. If I am to believe in such a thing as destiny it is because we were meant for each other. One gift I consider is the experience that came from realizing, and then Jake receiving a diagnosis of autism. I remember not experiencing the fear that some parents who may sadly think their child’s diagnosis and life are tragedies, burdens or who need to be changed, fixed and cured. No. My fear came from not having the knowledge and resources to care for my child in the ways they need. It comes from how others may treat my child who may behave differently and learn in non-typical ways or settings. My fear comes from how much we may need to fight and push back against neurotypical/non autistic/non Jake standards. My fear comes from feeling like I’m not doing enough to protect and help my child flourish by their own terms. My fear is that I may be perpetuating (my own internalized) ableism onto my child at times. My fear is what violence can come from the hands of well-intentioned loved ones, people who he is in close contact with, educational settings, the state. My child is an autistic person of color, I fear for run-ins with the police and strangers alike who may easily harm or kill disabled POC. (And a reminder that these facts heighten for dark skinned and/or Black autistic people.) These were some deep fears I had when he was first diagnosed. Yet despite these fears, I knew I had much to educate myself on autism. I dived head first with my own research especially in the beginning. I had to figure out what works well for Jake and our family over the past eight years. I went from first taking in words by Jenny McCarthy books (yikes) to learning to center actual autistic lives and experiences thanks to internet platforms such as Tumblr *to* coming full circle in my own acknowledgement of being on the spectrum as well.
Yep, this other gift my sweet pea guided me to was that I was autistic myself. Saying I am autistic out loud has taken me years of getting used to and not because I didn’t want it to be true. I was in the closet, so to speak. Years of educating myself slowly identified this major part of who I am. I am self diagnosed so I had a lot of questions for myself that I sat with and had to eventually answer. I questioned myself and over thought everything, even after knowing in my gut who I was. Sometimes to this day I wonder if I’m autistic because 1. many others do not trust a self diagnosis, 2. I can put on a decent neurotypical act (somewhat, all to my disadvantage) and 3. I don't fit this ~look~ that others (mainly NT people) have of autistic people, which is ridiculous and harmful and is absolutely why representation is so important for autistic and disabled communities. I'm working on not feeling like a fraud, knowing I took a serious amount of time and energy in my life to finally naming myself. Being autistic isn’t always a great thing to be and to navigate in this world BUT at the end of the day, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else but me. It took me a long time to love and be okay with my mind and the ways in which I think, process and experience everything. There are more stories unfolding publicly that mothers of autistic children are recognizing themselves on the spectrum and/or getting diagnosed*, which I’m sure has always been a common theme with parents and biological family lineages even before all the recent research and diagnoses. I have an autistic family. I never imagined I would have a neurodivergent family. I never imagined I would be on the spectrum. We are far more brilliant than I could ever dream of. *google se arch + rea d “Autism ‘hidden po : ol’ of undia gnosed mothers w ith conditio n emergin an article g” from The Guardian’s Amelia Hil l
warm feelings + thoughts •
reuniting with jake after a couple of days away from one another. even if he's not as thrilled to see me, the assurance he is okay and all the awayness melt off thru his presence. this is all Mama Love Bursting.
• realizing my crush has one on me too without the words. now how to say this?! • getting into my gorgeous beautiful comfy most loving bed (and maybe under a blanket) at night when i’m extremely tired from the day. • cute homey decor additions to my bedroom • driving alone with music and not feeling heavily worried about anything • jake getting excited learning to do something properly by his own terms. the last couple of things he's been proud of: learning to whistle, pooping in the toilet (so proud that he wants me to take a pic of the poo and send it to his grandma or visa versa when he's at her house)
• jake telling me "please don't cry mama". i sometimes wish he didn’t have to see my cry so much but a while back ago, something my friend v told me always pops up in my head- they said something along the lines that jake witnessing me cry is a gift actually... a gift that it is ok and normal to cry and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. also him seeing me cry reminds me to get my fucken shit together asap. sometimes i need to hear that too.
• jake beginning to ask questions, specifically ‘why’ questions. when i start to get annoyed at the constant questioning, i have to remember he needs to know how things around him work and even if i don't know how to explain things -which is constantly and one reason i tend to get annoyed bc talking may be difficult for me-, i can choose to be honest about not knowing. i'm also figuring out how, when or even *if* i incorporate imaginative thinking and not responding so quickly with ‘scientific’ answers. trying to let him be the teacher, you know? thinking about this- i definitely have seen both his curiosity and imagination unfolding now in ways i am able to understand. • choosing to begin a romantic long distance relationship earlier this year with a long time internet friend. at first i told myself and then her that i didn't want to be in another ldr much less any type of relationship soon after major heart aches (how many of us say that? like when we fancy somebody any time after a breakup, like, yikes no i can't do this again, lol). but my ass doesn't listen! well also - i love love! and love shows up at interesting times. this woman cools my fears, my doubts, she made life feel good and certain and i love how we both work so well and laugh so well together. • in my early thirties here and i'm beginning to choose not to desire/care about everybody's if anybody's approval, focusing on my craft, my life and wellbeing, figuring out what my boundaries are and honoring them. • home. at this point in time my bedroom has been my home, my sanctuary, my safe space.
Content Warning: Spanking children, child abuse
I do not hit Jake. Or rather, for those who may use another word, I do not spank Jake. And to be honest, I have done so in the past. Once. I hate that he was so little too, not that this excuses hitting older children either. My baby was so little and my anger and violence were greatly misplaced. I regretted hurting my child immediately. I apologized right away and vowed to never hit him again. I have kept that promise to Jake since. I’m not saying I don’t hit my kid to receive praise from others either. I should never be abusing my child in any way. Doing it once in the past was more than enough. I don’t think he remembers it. Either way, my whole thing is I must keep that memory. I don’t want to sugarcoat what I did to ease my discomfort and to forget about it. I have to remember how any of my violence directed toward or at my child impacts him. How my toxic behavior/actions towards others not only affects those other people but Jake as well. It must be remembered as much as possible especially if one has been physically, emotionally, mentally abusive in their past. Especially because I tend to have a short temper, become upset easily and some of my anxiety and stress makes it that I get verbally rude and mean. And yes I would go as far as trying to check myself when I can hear my own heavy frustrations out loud because I grew up with that and still see how parents pick on their children, if not with any physical violence - it'll be verbally, emotionally, mentally, in any way possible; these are all types of violence (quick thing: one type of violent parental behavior I see and wanna bring attention to is when parents deny or especially threaten to take away a child's basic needs and things, that should be met and given freely. With NO parental threat).
I grew up seeing my parents, other parents and adults easily lash out at smaller people, at their children. I'm *unlearning* that common, terrible childhood story now as a parent and human who wishes to end violent cultures, and for so many of us- our very first source of pain and trauma. I think I will need to seek support soon in an emotional/mental area such as therapy, to learn better coping skills with stress and anxiety and manage anger. I have anxiety about all of it but I need to find less harmful ways of getting around and being a parent, mostly as a parent of a disabled young person. Parents are all too often abusive culprits of disabled people of any age. Look at all of history that we learn through mainstream educational institutions and take note how all these histories are taught: always through the views of military, soldiers, often men, history and even time is often thought through which war(s) was and is happening. Notice how easily many of us forget the ways violence has shaped oppressed peoples to this day. The ramifications of abuse from generations ago surround us today via our government, current laws and policies, police and militaries, health or lack thereof. A Google search of ‘intergenerational trauma’ will remind us pain carries on if we are not addressing and changing its shape in our lives. If we are not healing and attempting to stop (our) violence and lessening (our) pain, this is another legacy we give our children, to the next generations.
I want my child to live without this fear of violence, at least from me, at least from home. I want them to feel as safe as possible in my care, with me. I want Jake to come to me without being afraid to talk to me about anything on his mind. I do my best to protect him. Some may even say I'm overprotective of my masculine presenting child. I honestly don’t care. We must stop making children nervous and terrified of us/adults when we physically assault them in our care. Or mentally, spiritually, emotionally destroy their childhoods. Understand this as a betrayal, created by us. That is where disconnection between guardian and child begins. This causes a possibly unnamed trauma to the child. And perhaps if they are fortunate to identify this dis-connect (hurt) as they become older then maybe they can manage a healing process for themselves.
As parents and caretakers of children, we can point at violence and blame any and all of the abusive people outside of our homes and spaces (critique is vital, i agree.) Then it must be as important to use this same mirror to point it at our own lives and homes too. Understand this will always be one of the most powerful places to begin any important, revolutionary work. Understand this as intergenerational wisdom. As healing that time travels in every direction.
thank you for checking out my first zine! if you want to get in touch or provide feedback on this issue, i appreciate it. chillonaapple@gmail.com if it’s possible, please consider sending a small donation for reading this zine unless you’ve already paid for a copy. thank you. paypal: use the email above venmo: chillona-apple
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