A Son of a Gun with the Heart of a Bullet Basheer Olugbode

therewererainydayz, mymotherisaScorpio.

BeingthatIwastheonlychild ,youwouldassumeIama legaciesshinethrough . peoplequestionedifIwastrulyNigerian. shinedlikeneverbefore!Mymom'sonlyson, mydad'sfirstbornson, Iwassolight

Thehighlightofmyparents'peaking marriage,pop'shustlefilledallvalleys.

Ifyou'refamiliarwiththatzodiac,youunderstandScorpios wanttheirspace.

Alcoholismwouldbetheelephantintheroom.

MychildhoodhasenoughmemoriesofliquorthatcouldfillupeverytrunkintheSahara.

IwillforeverbeindebtedforSeptember26 , 1989 . Thesun

“Mama'sboy.

AnativeofNigeria, myfatherwaswinning, notonlywashehavingsuccessinAmerica, hehadhissunaswell , whichallYoruba

”Wholetime,

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I had two or three moms during my adolescence, all of them bearing the last name Gunn. My heavenly grandmother, Patricia, is the matriarch of the name. Without her, there would be no son-of-a-gun. One of the last conversations I had with my Grandma was face to face. She looked me dead in the eye, lighting a fire that still burns today. I can still hear her voice: “Kenny! You have a good mind, use it! Do something that will amount to something. Out of all my grandkids, you ' re the smartest.” With that a star was born. I had to believe her. She stressed it so much it stressed me out! Her passionate sentiments were embedded in my subconsciousness. Also embedded there is my mother, Belinda Gunn, and her older sister, my aunt Robin Gunn, jamming to Earth Wind and Fire’s classic “You're a shining star/ no matter who you are/ shining bright to see/ who you could truly be.”

28 years after “Shining Star,” another track boomed out of hundreds of thousands of speakers throughout the Ghetto. “Heat” off of 50 Cent’s album “Get Rich or Die Trying" lyrics have always glared to me, “In the hood the summertime is a killing season. It's hot out dis bish, that's a good enough reason. ” It was the summer of ‘03, I had just graduated from 8th grade, in the trenches of Chicago this was the turning point where you either play-chess-or-get-played. This was also the summer that began a vicious cycle that engulfed my heart, with Death, ignorance and relentlessness. It was the day before the 4th, I came outside to everybody giving me the line, “ you heard what happened?” One of my closest friends Dennis “Boobie” Lunt Jr. was stabbed to death by his cougar mistress, an older white lady who lived on Bosworth. As a matter of fact, Boobie had told me, Ricky, Ted and ‘ nem he was breaking up wit her then later on that night she butchered him in the back.

At his funeral, Boobie’s long-time girlfriend Ebony screams and wails were traumatizing, Boobie was only seventeen years young. Not only was Boobie highly respected throughout the whole Northside, he lived like a rolling stone, and was actually the one who taught me my Lit. At 13, his cold-blooded murder hardened my heart, I felt like the streets were unpredictable.

Almost exactly two years later, it was like déjà vu, this time my homie Al Mac was gunned down on Jonquil. What made it worse, the gunman Ilsiah was like one of the guys, even though he was VL from Rockwell projects. The devastating part was that Alex, barely out of high school, most likely wasn't the target, because Alex wasn't one of the locs that had jumped him. Later on that same night, Ilsiah unloaded on a small crowd, the fatal news sending shockwaves through the hood.

Al Mac instantly became the poster child for the L’s, it's crazy how so many movements are fueled by death. Like Boobie, I miss Alex to this day, he was the most genuine and loyal homie I had known in my short life. Now going on 16, Alex’s untimely death poisoned my heart, I felt like it was either kill or be killed.

In a little less than a year I found myself sitting in juvie for an attempted murder, the nature of the charge allowed the government to charge me as an adult. My beloved grandmother never believed her grandson would do such a thing, by this time I had took the position of a young gunner. My moms warned me about hanging with them Howard street boys, now she was putting up every last dollar she had toward my legal fees. I was supremely blessed to come from up under that situation, and a bunch of other cases, time after time the Gunns were right by my side. Even when the whole 21st district kicked down my grandma's door and put a gun to my mother's head, there they were, funding my defense counsel. I walked out the front door of the County jail acquitted on those charges in 2011, I was in prison for a different gun charge a year later. 2012 represented a resurgence of gun violence in my city. I was in the middle of a new generation of murder, murder, kill, kill.

September of 2012, I was projected to be released from Vandalia Correctional Center in less than 6 months, then here comes B.A. the bearer of bad news. They took my younger homie Day Day up out this shit right on Kenmore, if anybody going to ball in paradise it's gon be Folks. I remember Day Day welcomed me to T-Dub, my surrogate hood, with open arms, he showed so much love to his block and got it back ten times in return. I'm not being shady towards the deceased who have areas named after them, but none was more deserving than Str8 Heat Day Day. When Day Day world came about it inflamed my heart, I felt like soon as I touched I'd be gunning.

Almostexactlytwoyearslater,Munchiewasgonetoo,butwithhimthewhole thingwasaconspiracy.Shesaid,hesaid,thetruthwaslilhomiehadpassedon, minusallthemadnesswe

'llmeetagainatthecrossroads.Munchiewasrealtightwithmostofmylilbrothersandlilcousins,soIknewhim,justneverhadan extensiveconversation.

BelievemeMunchwasdabidness,hejusthappenedtobeanup-and-coming rapperwhowasjustgettingstarted,IsleptonhimbecauseIwasalwaysbehind bars.Iknowmyearlymusicwasoneofhisinfluences,IwishIcouldhaveshown himsomethingmorevaluable.WhenMunchiedieditfragmentedmyheart,Iwasa fathernow,IknewIhadtogetittogether.

Me and my BM never had the best relationship, thus prior to receiving the greatest gift, I thought it was a curse. Scrambling for abortion money Mom-dukes gave me the coldest stare, “What if I'd aborted you, ” were her exact words as she left me on the balcony with my thoughts. Her and Ricky’s words of wisdom meant so much to me, life can be turbulent when you ' re always in between death. Precaution-wise I made sure my BM applied for apartments outside Chi-raq, I didn't want anything to happen to my little turkey legs when she popped out the oven. By the end of 2013 I was holding my infant Gabriella, ask any parent, having a child will change your perspective.

2015reallystandsouttome, thatsummeritwasshootoutsalmost twiceaday. “Nolacking ” wasn'tenoughinthistypeofenvironment, “finger-on-the-trigger ” wasmorelikeit.At25Ihadbeguntostart seeingthingsforwhattheywere,sellingcrackandbussinggunsonly mademeamarkedman. AnothermarkedmanupNorthwentbythe nameofPappy, morebecauseofhismillionsofviewsthanhisstreet activity. AllthedeceasedmembersImentionedsofarinthismemoirwereloveddearly, thisDrillRapperdissedalmostallofthem.

Inmy evolutionI'verealizedPappy 'skillingaffectedmetoo, backthenitwas inthecompleteoppositeway. Insteadofpain, Ifeltjoy, ratherthana loss, itwasavictory.

Noregretsbecauseunalignmenteventuallyleads toprogressiveness. Whatwehavetounderstandasacommunityisthatbloodshedisathirstthatwon 'tbequenched.Pappygettinghitup ain'tbringnoneofmyniggasback,thevengefulheartIoncehadwas juststarvingforredemption.

If I would have left out the slot 10 minutes earlier AJ might still be here, at the very least shit would've went way different. Off the strength of that alone my heart burdened, the other side got sum get-back for you know who. Not too long after that I was wearing some familiar jewelry, in the back of a squad car yet again. I guess a gun charge is better than a murder charge, at the same time I was getting too old to just charge it to the game. Sitting in Statesville a couple weeks later my next homie's death hit like the first one, me and Vee went back like two car flats. I took a plea that would put me out at the end of 2018, Vee was just the first on a long list of close bloodas that weren’t there when I got home.

On the second half of a three year bid, in 2017 I found out Remo got shot in the neck, the 1st thing I thought about was Al Mac. All these years later my homie's/brother's still was dying for nothing, and it didn't look like things were getting any better. Yeah-okay, the trenches are the trenches, I get that fr fr, but Remus wasn't even on that type of time. When you working a job taking care of your family and being positive, you look at the world from a whole nother view. Remo was moving like a grown man. I seen that a long time ago, he still went out like he was over-active. When that happened, my heart quickly sharpened, I felt like Howard Street stood for hopelessness.

That hopelessness made me think about my younger cousin Paradise, to a point I felt a little responsible. Dise got shot in the same week Munchie did and like usual, I was in a cell. Four months beforehand, lil cuz was northbound checking for me. Me and Paradise had built a connection. I remember us having side by side cells in the Audy home, we was close in age and we was always waist deep in the streets.

The only difference was we were on opposite sides of the city. By the spring of 2014 he was ready to switch up north. If I never got bumped he could’ve been uptown with me, I definitely had a seat for him at the table. What’s crazy is I would be bringing him to another tricky situation, how would I explain to the family if something happened to him? This time as I reminisced my heart wisened, yeah, I was starting to grow up.

Three months before my last bid ended my sweet grandmother finally ascended to the

That was the last straw, finalizing my decision to move out the Raq. Besides, it was Ms. Gunn (which everyone called her) who migrated to the Howard Community back in the 80s, it was Ms. Gunn who said God saved her life to save mine after she had a long stay in the hospital in the year 2000, it was Ms. Gunn who inspired me with her loving words of encouragement, Texas!

Here I come. Her second oldest daughter Robin came to pick me up from Centralia, after a night with my daughter and my first mom, me and my second mom were on our way. We had so much fun it seemed like the 15-hour ride was cut in half, when my favorite Aunt’s spirit is up she has the best of vibes.

I gave it my all while I was in Texas, put my all in a woman (a first), put my all in school (a first), put my all in a legal job (a first). Things were up-and-down like life is usually perceived and then COVID slid up like a car full of switches. Two years and sum change I was back in the Chi, with nothing but materialistic stuff to show for it. The Fall of 2020 moved fast then came to an abrupt stop, 10 bullet holes bled from both of my arms and out of my right hip. I’m like okay right, this how it feels to catch some hot shit, and Damn! CPD don’t fck around. Body-cams came on now they act like they care, mediacams on da pull up and you know they spinning stories.

Rewinding back to Texas you could say I was out the way, I made a whole 180 and squared it up. My pops connected me with his brother who owns an international shipping company, within a month I was at work loading containers. Next, like those containers I was headed for Nigeria, I hadn’t been face to face with my Dad since the early 90s.

He caught a trafficking charge and was deported when I was two or three, my first time in the Motherland felt like a power-trip. On the flip side, from the beginning that power was misguided, no matter how far you go won’t make a difference when your heart of hearts is still exactly in the same place.

A year before my trip to Nigeria, I was fresh at my new job in Houston. On break, I began to scroll down my timeline, then I had to scroll back up. Marlon had posted a picture of our lil cousin Nick, I was even more confused when I actually found out what happened. Nick was on the back end of a road rage incident, the last person in the world I would’ve thought been shot to death. Not only was Nick still a teenager, may Allah bear witness, I can’t remember baby boy ever having an argument. How could this stranger take lil Nick away from us, way in the south, I didn’t like the feeling of being helpless. With Nick’s death my whole heart emptied, he was a good kid with his whole life ahead of him.

See with Jay Jay, gang was a different story, lil bro bro was living that life, unfortunately it caught up wit him in the worse way. Last time I seen him was 2015 in the County, I did everything in my power to make sure he was straight. Five years later his time on earth had lapsed, it was just flukey asf how everything went down. Or maybe I’m just too old now, cuz all of these shootings could’ve been avoided. Heavy-hearted, Jay Jay really really moved me, I felt like before I could help save the beloved, I first had to save myself.

It is said Jesus is the ultimate redeemer, this is true, what ones might miss is that Christ lives inside us. On that fateful night by the time I was lifted in the ambulance, something assured me I would survive. Beforehand I surely rathered the opposite, life didn’t seem worth living. I guess the streets really do make you age faster, at 31 I was having a mid-life-crises. Although this stay in the county has been one big enigma, the joy I get from the pain has become magically the irony.

In the hoodwe thinkkarma is likeget-back, (goodor bad)everybody wants you togetwhatyougotcoming. Truthfully, karma is a spiritualhalfway-house, we were allnailedto the cross the momentwe were born. Whatgoes around comes aroundis notthe importantpart, the key isgetting outwhatyour putting in. Penetrating throughthese illusions has sufficedduring the biggest fightofmy life, now my heartwants to reachothers.

Now when Isee deathIunderstandit’s rebirth, some ofus willremain on earth.

As I’ve continued this fight, two plus years and gunning, many more souls have been lost. Duke in 2021 and TY in 2022, these names hold weight like Oprah. My heart truly goes out to those two families, these young bosses were incredible losses. I say that to say this: I understand the gift and the curse my younger brothers carried on each shoulder, at peace now, both of them can rest up. What motivates me is refusing to let them die in vain. Unforgotten may mean a lot of things, how many men can you influence after you change forms.

One thing that’s stood the test of time is the Quran, my dad advised me to lean on it’s wisdom. I relayed this message to Jahsani my shortie down in H-town who was recently shot multiple time in front of the apartments where we met four years ago. In the game we grab a younger g and call him our son, like a protege who you give all your best plays to. The painful voice of the mother of his four children Aliyah struck me, my heart broke but later I realized it opened up. Some hearts break and we fall to pick up the pieces, mine kept beating, expanding, this is having a life altering discovery.

In less than 90 days my chest took another shot, like damn fighting 20-60 years wasn’t enough. We went from comparing our stays in Nigeria and Belize, to me watching his lifeless body being dragged from the top deck to the dayroom. It seemed like Division Nine’s staircase had doubled, each concrete step shaking Scooby but not enough to awaken him. The answer I was looking for was written all over the nurses faces now what was I gon ’ say to Scooby’s people. Being caged in together tends to bring ones closer but me and Eric had ties to the streets.

Scooby’s whose government name is Eric Gunn, was born on the exact same day 44 years after my favorite Aunt, Robin Gunn. Eric is the resemblance of my Aunt and lil bro side by side you wouldn’t question if they were related. When she passes I'll undoubtedly see Scooby, it’s ironic how life reminds us we ’ re all one. Eric’s three younger brothers are also a reminder just like Jahsani’s five children are a reminder of him. My other grandmother passed in between Jahsani and Eric, she reminded me when I met her in Lagos that I belong to a special group of people. All these recent signs accumulating to my commencement to ConTextos the last one I want to note is symbolic to my title.