Hot Start

Shaggy Dog Joke (off-colour, but a classic)

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse further, showing more of the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess”

Old, but Good

Hot Start Chris Johnson

Among the many minor failings of my KTM, which include a rusting silencer, stupid rim seals, a puny horn, and an illiberal reluctance to enter neutral, is the fact that it has always had a weak starter which, even with a new battery, can only just turn the engine over (if you stall the engine don't dream of just pulling in the clutch and pressing the starter; you have to be in neutral. See previous comment about finding neutral. The queue of angry drivers behind you just don't understand!). On a cold day it just won't start, even if you have had it on trickle charge and turned on a heater in its shed an hour before leaving. About four years ago I therefore bought a Lithium Ion jump start unit; a BoltPower D15 13.6AH, which I keep in my top box. This works well. Whip off the passenger seat and just enough of the battery cover is exposed to be able to insinuate the clips under it onto the terminals. The bike then starts without trouble, and you are only a couple of minutes delayed.

Used it dozens of times. All very routine, until a week ago when my car battery, which in all honesty was showing its age before, suddenly refused even to give enough juice to let you turn on the ignition. No

problem, the jump starter is supposed to be adequate for V8 trucks, so I fetched it, clipped it on, and turned the starter. The car was reluctant to start but after a minute burst into life. Great! I went to disconnect the jumper battery unit. I should explain that it has 'intelligent leads', with a mysterious plastic box on the positive lead. This had heated up enough distort slightly, and one of the chunky leads to it had come free. I opened it up. It contained 4 high current Schottky diodes. These only conduct in one direction, and are presumably there to save your butt if you connect the leads to the wrong terminals. They do however generate heat under correct use. The prolonged starting of the car had caused all the solder in the box to melt, and the diodes had floated down on the circuit board. Checking on the web revealed that I am not the first person this has happened to.

The battery unit is fine. I guess I am honour bound to get a blowtorch, try to melt all the solder and reposition the diodes and attach the loose lead. If this attempt fails, as it almost inevitably will. I shall just abandon the diodes, connect the wires to them together (more blowtorch work) and then make sure I never connect the unit the wrong way round. The car battery? Since the car was out of action I ordered a new one from Halfords and paid the extra £15 for them to deliver it, fit it, and dispose of the old battery. Completely painless. Money well spent. Shame it happened only weeks before the car will be sold. As for the 2 new tyres to get it through MoT. I try not to think about them.

Events Report

Chris Johnson

This is going to be short and sweet. There were only 3 rides in the month since the last report, and I went on one and a quarter of them! The first was Mick & Alan's run to Lackford Lakes on 29th August. We had 15.5 bikes (Joe's Indian counts as one and a half!). A cool overcast start developed into quite a nice day. As to the route; I sometimes feel as if Mick has cut Essex into square miles, mixed them up, and then laid them back again at random. Individual places and roads are familiar, but their relation to each other is strange and new. I am sure the Bird Sanctuary at Lackford Lakes was delightful but to the best of my knowledge nobody visited it, preferring to hang out and gossip. The refreshments were very light. No known mishaps. We got back to Regiment Way around 2pm after 117 miles. A very pleasant run.

The next ride was also Mick & Alan's on 5th September to the La Hogue Farm Cafe, near Ely. To my chagrin I missed this completely, since I hadn't expected another one after only a week and had failed to check the forum. No details about how it went, but I guess no news is good news.

Colin's run on 19th September was to the Natural Kitchen at Harrold-Odell

Country Park, beyond Bedford., a run of 172 miles. It was an overcast day and I think I had a few drops of rain on the way to Chelmsford. I volunteered as sweeper, since HiVis jackets seem to be going out of fashion and I was the only one wearing one. We had about a dozen bikes. It started off merrily enough but I began to develop gut pains, bumpy roads became very uncomfortable, my speed dropped, and markers had to wait a bit. Attempts to tell a marker that I was going to have to drop out and he should take over failed because they completely misinterpreted my frantic waving and flashing, and shot gratefully off. At Royston I pulled over at the Silver Ball, not the official break location, and Terry (full marks for rear observation) came back to find out why. He notified Colin and, heroically declining his offers to accompany me, I made my way home gently on nice even A-roads which hurt a lot less. The run apparently continued very successfully without me. Colin, Jill & Spider contacted me afterwards to find out if I was OK, which was nice of them. By the next day all was well again. No idea what the trouble was. Trapped wind? Nature's way of telling me I should either lose weight or buy baggier trousers? Who can tell?

Observer Profile

Michel Couque

When and why did you develop an interest in riding a motorcycle?

Being half French I was riding mopeds age 12, then Off road 125cc on the farm (yeh right) and it was an immediate addiction

How old were you when you first rode a bike? Bike with gear change started aged 12

What was the bike and what were the circumstances? It was an awsome bike called an Ossa Phantom, would loop the loop in first gear, I borrowed it from my dads friend, and I never wanted to give it back.

Of the bikes you’ve owned to date, which was the favourite, if there

was one? Ther e is no clear favour ite. I loved my CBX for its acceler ation and noise. My GS750 was an awesome all-rounder, while a dispatch rider anything that started was good. But I do have a love affair with Ducati, seems to fit my way of thinking.

If you were given the opportunity to own any bike on the market

which would it be? Come on that' s not fair , in a per fect wor ld your needing 3 bikes, a bloody awesome road bike, Panigale?? a great allrounder a la Multistrada. and a bike for FUN say KTM 690.

What is your favourite motorcycle related gadget? Has to be heated handlebar grips

Where is your preferred place to ride in the UK? Wales

And, overseas? Fr ance

If you were offered the opportunity to go on an extended bike tour

who, family members aside, who would you choose as a riding companion?

Very few qualify, and if they read this they already know who they are, we traditionally go away every year for the past 10 years.

How would you describe to a non-rider the attraction of riding a bike as

opposed to driving a car? That r iding a bike makes you feel happy to be alive, even if commuting, when I ride along the Thames by bike it is far more interesting and involving than doing the same by car.On a bike you are closer to nature feeling the breeze and catching the odours both good and foul.

When do you intend to give up riding? When my eyesight is wor se than Stevie Wonder.

Describe your scariest moment on your bike!

There have been a few, but I think when I crashed my GPZ900R at 3 figure speeds I quite rightly thought I was just about to meet my maker. I had just had the bike serviced, and it was now fully run in, so time to ring it's neck . I was flat out in 4th gear and thought I would leave the braking very late for the roundabout ahead. Then applied full on brakes, only for the front fork seals to blow and gush oil all over the front disks. The front brakes then heated up and came on fully, locking up and throwing me over the bars in the process. The speed was stuck on 110 when it hit the deck. I was knocked out for a few moments, and when i came around I was convinced I was dead, but confused because being dead seemed the same as being alive, then I sussed I had survived. Naturally this happened a very long time ago, and I can safely say that thanks to EAMG I enjoy my riding more than ever, without ever having to ride like that again!!!