UNDERSTANDING Relationships
Spouses, is your marriage ‘tone deaf ’?
Before going any further, I want to say that I understand that it’s not always how you say something; it can also be what you say that creAuthor’s note: Many of these thoughts are ates conflict and hurt feelings. from the book, “The First Few Years of We feel tone stronger than we hear words. Marriage” by Jim Burns and Doug Fields. When negative words are combined with negative tone, trouble is bound to follow. In fact, At one time in my career, I worked with a authors Burns and Fields say it’s double the man who was absolutely brilliant. In fact, I’m trouble. When you express your words with a convinced he was a genius. He actually turned down a full-ride academic scholarship to Hartone of sarcasm, shame, pessimism, insincerity, vard so he could go to a Christian college and guilt, negativity, assumption, or speculation, your seminary. But Berk, as I called him, was tone spouse barely hears the actual words. But, the deaf when it came to music. We used to laugh tone shouts at him/her loud and clear. If you’ve about it. He would say he sang the same way been married very long, you’ve probably had a he preached – without notes. time of “heated fellowship” that was less about A lot of marriages are tone deaf too. Many Gary Moore the words and more about the negative energy couples can’t hear the negative tone that acbehind the words. Why? Because we tend to feel companies their communication. We all know it’s not always tone stronger than the words we hear. what you say to each other that creates tension. It’s how you Over the years I’ve learned to manage my tongue, but even say it. The “how” involves tone. My friend Berk could have when I’m silent or speechless, an exasperated sigh can reveal spent a lot of money on voice lessons, but he’d still have most negativity. Or when my wife and I are in the car and I know likely been tone deaf. He couldn’t change that. we’re going to be late, I can simply take a heavy, deep breath But unlike Berk’s condition, you can learn to change the tone that she receives as a tone of disappointment. Even when I in your marriage and begin to make beautiful music together. don’t use any words, she can hear my frustration clearly. This change isn’t always easy, but it can be done. Positive tones Continued on page 9 and healthy communication are learned traits. By Gary Moore
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Christian Living | March / April 2021 7
