i mean, i miss your hands
a personal account of oneself
Christie Mrf
Trigger warning for sexual abuse, selfharm, and body image issues. All photos are either pictures I took on my iPhone or images I found on the Internet.
I WAS IN THIRD GRADE. IT WAS MY EIGHTH BIRTHDAY AND MY AUNT BOUGHT ME THE NEW PUSSYCAT DOLLS ALBUM. I PICKED THIS CD UP STARED AT THE COVER – RAIL THIN STOMACHS AND TAN, AIRBRUSHED SKIN – LOOKED UP AT MY MOTHER, AND ASKED, “MOM, WHY ARE THEY SO SKINNY? HOW DID THEY GET THIS WAY? HOW DO THEIR ORGANS FIT INSIDE OF THEIR STOMACHS? AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THIS?” SHE IMMEDIATELY BRUSHED IT OFF AND EXPLAINED THAT THEY DO NOT REALLY LOOK LIKE THIS IN PERSON; THAT THERE WERE WAYS ON THE COMPUTER TO MAKE PEOPLE LOOK SMALLER THAN THEY WERE. WHILE SHE THOUGHT THIS WAS THE END OF MY CURIOUS INQUIRY, SHE WAS MISTAKEN. I SPENT THE REST OF MY NIGHT STARING AT THE ALBUM COVER, PARTICULARLY AT THE FOURTH GIRL FROM THE LEFT – NICOLE SCHERZINGER – AND WONDERED WHY MY STOMACH WAS NOT THAT THIN
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER WANTED TO BE SMALL, I WANTED TO SHRINK INSIDE MYSELF,
AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE, I EXPLORED THE INTERNET TO ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS RELATED TO MY BODY. IT WAS MY INTRODUCTION TO LGBTQIA YOUTH, PORN, TANNING, PLASTIC SURGERY, FITNESS BLOGS, SELF HARM BLOGS, BDSM, BODY HAIR DO’S AND DON’TS, “HOW TO MAKE YOUR VAGINA SMELL GOOD” ARTICLES, AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU COULD THINK OF.I STARTED POLICING MY BODY IN ORDER TO REACH SOME SORT OF IDEAL THAT I CONVINCED MYSELF WAS NECESSARY. IN THIS PROCESS, I ALSO BEGAN TO QUESTION MY SEXUALITY: “AM I STRAIGHT? AM I NORMAL? DOES EVERYONE ELSE LOOK AT GIRLS THE WAY I DO?” QUESTIONS LIKE THIS MADE ME FEEL PERVERTED, SO I RESTRICTED THEM, BUT I DID NOT STOP MYSELF FROM EXPLORING THOSE POSSIBILITES. (I AM TIRED OF THE SCRUTINY)
A FORM OF INSTITUTIONAL CONTROL WAS INGRAINED AT ME AT A VERY YOUNG AGE BECAUSE MY PARENTS SENT ME TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL WHEN I WAS THREE. I WAS UNDER INTENSE SCRUTINY AND MY BODY WAS UNDER TWENTY FOUR-HOUR SURVEILLANCE FROM THOSE AROUND ME. SKIRTS WERE ALWAYS TOO SHORT, SHIRTS WERE ALWAYS TO REVEALING, KNEE SOCKS WERE TOO HIGH, HAIR WAS TOO GREASY, SHORT HAIR MADE YOU LOOK GAY, BEING GAY WAS A SIN, AND THE LIST GOES ON. AFTER DISCOVERING DIFFERENT WEBSITES, I STARTED MY JOURNEY TO UNLEARNING THE BAD AND LEARNING THE GOOD. I WAS TRYING TO BE BETTER.
after battling with body image and self harm issues, i began to practice radical self love and self care. i began to teach myself that i deserved happiness and love and beauty. this was easy for a long while until my senior year of high school
even though i was struggling with my sexuality more than ever, i blocked it out of my thoughts. i began to date a boy in march of my senior year of high school. although i previously lost my virginity to a girl when I was thirteen, i lost the social construct of what virginity is to this boy, regrettably so. i convinced myself that we were just taking things fast; that i had a voice in what we were doing. after making my discomfort in doing certain sexual things with him clear, he was understanding at first. after a month, two months, three months passed by, he started to pressure me into doing these things: “we’ve been dating for so long, i deserve this. you aren’t giving me what i need. you don’t care about me as much as i do you. if you really loved me, you would do this. what’s the problem?” he would also control what i wore. if I was wearing a low cut top or a short skirt, he would monitor who i spoke to and how i moved my body. he would get jealous if i spoke to other guys. he would openly not eat in front of me and encourage me to do the same. these small things all added up and contributed to me secluding myself from my friends.
one night in particular, we were at a party. he was drunk and wanted to have sex, but i didn’t want to. instead of saying no, i drank more alcohol in the hopes that it would make me more willing. (it didn’t). he led me downstairs to the laundry room and began to try to have sex with me. someone started to walk downstairs so we went into the bathroom. he tried to have sex with me again, but we didn’t have a condom so i said i didn’t want to. he immediately tried to convince me to do what i was most uncomfortable with, and was scarily aggressive. he said he had waited long enough. i was scared and uncomfortable; i was tired of saying no, so i didn’t say anything. that night he raped me on the bathroom floor, and when we walked out i pretended to be happy.
i did not realize he raped me until a few months later when i was at a meeting about sexual assault. “coercion is rape.” coercion is rape. i finally understood why i felt filthy – why i had feelings of abjection. i started to write about my experience, and it helped.
SOMEDAY, A PERSON WILL COME INTO YOUR LIFE AND MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT THEIR NAME SPELLS OUT LOVE. FOR A WHILE, THINGS WILL BE GREAT AND PROMISES WILL BE MADE IN TIME FOR YOU TO BELIEVE EVERY WORD. THIS PERSON WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL AND WANTED AND MAYBE EVEN MAGNIFICENT. YOU WILL THINK THIS PERSON MAKES YOU FEEL PASSIONATE AND BRAVE AND SOFT AND LUCKY. “LUCKY” AND THEN ONE DAY, THE SAME PERSON MIGHT MAKE YOU A STEAK AND IT WILL TASTE LIKE ROTTEN MEAT BUT YOU WILL SWALLOW YOUR TONGUE AND LET YOUR EYES HANG OUT AT THE DINNER TABLE BECAUSE THEY EXPECT YOU TO SAY “THANKS.” YOU WILL MAKE EXCUSES FOR THEM – “THEY PROBABLY HAD A BAD DAY. IT’S OKAY.” AND AFTER YOU MAKE THOSE EXCUSES, THE SAME PERSON WILL APOLOGIZE AND YOU WILL THINK EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU WILL FEEL LUCKY. BUT AT SOME POINT, YOU WILL REALIZE THAT THIS SAME PERSON WILL KEEP FEEDING YOU ROTTEN MEAT IN THE SAME WAY THUNDERSTORMS WILL ALWAYS MAKE YOUR SISTER INTIMIDATED AND HESITANT AND UNWILLING. AND WHEN YOU REALIZE THIS, IT WILL FEEL LIKE, IN THE LEAST BEAUTIFUL SENSE, YOU ARE SHOUTING UNDERWATER AND YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOU SEE A THICK COAT OF DARKNESS AND YOU WAIT FOR YOUR EYES TO ADJUST BUT THEY NEVER DO. YOU WILL LAY FACE DOWN ON YOUR BEST FRIENDS KITCHEN FLOOR AND IT WILL BE HARD AND COLD AND YOU WILL TRY TO FIND WAYS TO TELL HER ABOUT THE WAY YOU SWALLOWED YOUR TONGUE THAT ONE NIGHT BUT YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY SAY THE WORDS OUT OF FEAR SHE WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU. YOU WILL FEEL SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT WHEN YOU ARE LAYING IN THEIR BED. YOU WILL TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF SHRINK INTO THE WALL AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. YOU WILL TRY NOT TO SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT, TRY NOT TO BREATHE, I’M TRYING NOT TO, I’M TRYING. YOU WILL REMIND YOURSELF THAT THIS PERSON LOVES YOU – THAT YOU ARE “LUCKY.” YOU WILL FEEL OLD AND TARNISHED AND FRAGMENTED AND YOU WILL START TO FEEL SO INDIFFERENT TO YOUR SURROUNDINGS THAT YOU WILL FORGET TO TURN THE STOVE OFF AND YOU WILL FORGET TO SHOWER FOR A WEEK AND YOU WILL SIT ON YOUR BED AND PRACTICE WAYS TO BREATHE WITHOUT HAVING TO MOVE AN INCH.
(SIT ACROSS FROM THEM AND SAY NOTHING. DO NOT TOUCH THEM) BUT ONE DAY, YOU WILL REALIZE THAT IT IS GOOD MEASURE TO PRACTICE CLASPING YOUR ARMS AROUND YOUR OWN BODY AND HOLDING TIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP BECAUSE THEY WILL NEVER TOUCH YOU IN THE WAYS YOU WANT THEM TO. AND ONE DAY, THEY WILL FEED YOU SO MUCH GLASS THAT YOU WILL REALIZE THAT MAYBE YOU AREN’T SO “LUCKY” – MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.
AFTER ALL OF THIS HAPPENED, I TRIED TO RELEARN HOW TO FEEL OKAY IN MY OWN SKIN. HERE ARE SOME THINGS I HAVE PICKED UP ON: IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE BRAVE. ii. DO NOT MAKE YOURSELF SMALL, DO NOT TRY TO FIX INTO A BOX, DO NOT TRY TO PLEASE PEOPLE, IT IS HURTFUL. iii. SILENCE IS HELPFUL, FOCUSING ON YOUR BREATHING IS HELPFUL, TRACING PARTS OF YOUR OWN BODY IS HELPFUL SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO BUILD A BLANKET FORT AND CRY WHILE EATING ICE CREAM AND LISTENING TO MUSIC. IT’S OKAY. v. IT IS OKAY TO REMEMBER. IT IS OKAY TO EMBRACE PAIN. NOT ALL TOUCH IS AN ACCIDENT. NOT ALL TOUCH IS HARMFUL. vii. PICK UP KNITTING AND KEEP YOUR HANDS BUSY AND STOP SMOKING CIGARETTES AND DRIVE AROUND IN YOUR CAR AT 2AM HIKING AND GOING TO NEW PLACES AND SEEING NEW MOUNTAINS. ix. DO NOT TRY TO BE ANYBODY’S ANYTHING. YOU ARE YOUR OWN LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, DON’T FORGET. DON’T FORGET
i.
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viii. x.
I DID NOT EXPECT THE AFFECT OF MY RAPE TO HAVE A LASTING AFFECT ON HOW I APPROACH SEX, MY BODY, AND OTHER PEOPLE. I BECOME TENSE – SOMETHING I DESCRIBE AS FROZEN. I WROTE THIS IN JULY TO DESCRIBE THE FEELING:
MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, IT IS HARD FOR ME TO REMEMBER THAT I DON’T HAVE TO HIDE FROM PEOPLE WHO THINK MY BODY IS FILTHY ANYMORE. I DON’T HAVE TO HIDE FROM PEOPLE WHO CONVINCED ME THAT LENDING MY BODY TO THEM WAS THE BEST IDEA BECAUSE I WAS TOO SPLINTERED TO HAVE A SAY. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A SPLINTER. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT THINGS THAT I CAN TOUCH. THEY ARE FEELINGS AND MEMORIES THAT I CAN’T GET RID OF NO MATTER HOW HARD I BURN MY INSIDES OR MASK MY GRIEF. IT IS KIND OF LIKE REMEMBERING SOMETHING SPECIFIC, LIKE THE FACT THAT I CAN STILL RECALL THE DISTINCT SCENT OF MY KINDERGARTEN TEACHER’S PERFUME AND IT COMES IN WAVES TO ME. THESE FEELINGS ARE EXACTLY THAT – THEY COME IN WAVES, AND THEY MAKE MY HANDS CLUMSY AND MY EYES SINK AND MY BODY CLENCH AND MY BRAIN VULNERABLE, KIND OF LIKE A VOLATILE ACHE. I CALL IT FROZEN. I AM STILL FROZEN SOMETIMES. “FILTHY” WAS A WORD I USED TO USE TO DESCRIBE HOW I FELT WHEN HE MADE ME FEEL FROZEN. IT IS HARD FOR ME TO REMEMBER THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO BE ASHAMED OF THE THINGS THAT VIOLATED ME. IT IS HARD FOR ME TO REMEMBER THAT I HAVE SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT THINK OF ME AS FILTHY NOW. IT IS OKAY TO STILL FEEL FEELINGS AND MEMORIES, EVEN IF THEY HURT. EVEN IF THEY HURT.
AFTER THE FACT, I HAVE WORKED A WHOLE LOT ON OVERCOMING IT ALL. I DON’T HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT, AND I WON’T PRETEND TO, BUT I HAVE WELCOMED SELF-LOVE/CARE BACK INTO MY LIFE. I AM LEARNING TO LOVE IT ALL AGAIN. IT’S STILL AN ONGOING STRUGGLE. MY CURRENT PARTNER HAS LIFTED SOME OF THE BURDEN OF MY RAPE OFF OF MY SHOULDERS, AND WHILE THERE IS STILL A STRUGGLE IN BECOMING MORE SELF AWARE AS TIME GOES ON, SHE HAS BEEN PATIENT AND ENCOURAGING. A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS REFRESHING AND NEW AND HAPPY AND PATIENT AND BEAUTIFUL. I WISH I HAD EXPERIENCED THIS SOONER.
I MEAN, I MISS THE WAY MY HANDS USED TO CURL AROUND THINGS I LOVED WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. IT WAS SUCH A STRONG GRASP, I FELT LIKE I WAS NEVER GOING TO SEE THAT PERSON AGAIN, IT WAS LIKE THE LAST TIME. IT WAS INTENSE AND GENUINE AND TRUE. I MEAN, IT FEELS LIKE I WAS THAT WAY SO LONG AGO THAT I SHOULD BE SAYING “YOUR” HANDS, ONLY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW. I MEAN, I WANT TO GET BACK TO THAT PLACE. I WANT TO GET BACK TO THE WAY YOU WERE SO EXCITED ABOUT SEEING SOMEONE NEW. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON, SO MUCH SO THAT I AM USING THE WORD “YOUR” TO DESCRIBE MYSELF A FEW YEARS AGO. I MEAN, IT IS HARD AND IT ALL HURTS SO MUCH, BUT I THINK I CAN GET BACK TO THAT PLACE OF JOY AND PASSION AND EXCITEMENT. I MEAN, I MISS YOUR HANDS, BUT SOON ENOUGH THEY WILL BE MY OWN HANDS AGAIN. AND I CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT DAY TO COME.