E E FR UFF
Contains muppets
e ibl ens s of
ST
Cult
ULT TIMES HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
Issue 1
Price £2.80
??? Just what is it about Pete ??? LETTERS CARTOONCHARACTERS HORRORSCOPES CHULTCROSSWORD SURREALSTORIES THE E.G.M. REPORT CRINKLEY CHESTNUTS AND LOADS MORE The CHULT Post
O MY, YOU STARTLED ME, PERSON PRETENDING TO BE A TREE, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SMALL TALK TODAY?
Continues inside
G!! ISH N NI CHILD R R WAAINS OU
UM H LT LY 18+ U AD STRICT
N CO
T
SPED The Angry Potato Animation needs a voice, could that be YOU? Send us your voice on audio file More info inside
GREAT GIVEAWAYS FREE GIFT FOR EVERY READER
There’s NO TIME like the PRESENT
The gift is not yellow plastic wrist wear, the gift is the wisdom.
Cult
ULT HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
U T L H C U L T H C
Say what you see with our Mr Fish
PPHHRRAASSEE Fuck of f
Fuck off
off Fuck g Shit ba of
Wanking
Piss creature t Cun
RESTRICTED CONTENT sorry we’re not able to give any more away at this time. Hope you enjoy the free to view content, blocks are removed on purchased comic (printed & digital).
Cult
ULT HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
Answers
uld Co
th
? you e is b
Sandwich Torment ?
?
Rumble rumble rumble
Ah just as I thought, it’s time for lunch.
?
Oo oo, stop, sandwich shop ? Just keep walking, you know what happens, look away, don’t stop, come on.
FRESH
I CH DW SAN
Yes, yes, put some of that on too, and that and that too, oooo sandwich!
?
Can’t wait to eat this sandwich, it’s going to be sooooo delicious!
? Come to Mama
Oooo Noooo it’s happening again!
SANDWICH STOP STAFF Is that what’s his face being eaten by a sandwich again? Sure is, wouldn’t you think he’d know by Now he can’t eat the sandwich cos the sandwich always eats him.
Come to Papa
THE CHULT REPORT
PSYCHIC FART READER By Arts Correspondent E. G. Matthews
Forget tea leaves, crystal balls & palm readings, card readings & photo readings too as modern day mediums offer to give you a psychic reading of your farts.
OUT
IN
“Crystal ball readings are pseudoscience” claims Psychic Medium James Angle who is currently in demand by his growing client list which includes many celebrities.“I don’t like to drop names” said James, “but television presenter Dermot O L’eary is a regular client and just last week Michael Ball dropped by, I’m just waiting for a call from the palace because a little bird told me the Queen is interested in having her farts read too”.
I didn’t choose the gift, it was given to me, I was chosen SKY LIVING have been quick to snap up the talent and have commissioned 6 x 1 hour live studio episodes of James reading farts to be broadcast by the end of the year. Meanwhile critics of James say he’s capitalising on stupidity and his ability to read farts is nothing more than a load of hot air. If you’d like a chance to have your farts read by psychic medium James A n g l e c o n t a c t farts@skyliving.com
THE CHULT MUSEUM NO TIME TODAY
MOUS
OF USELESS SHITE
Screwdrivers that don’t screw, scissors that don’t cut, clocks that don’t keep time, spatula’s that melt, all the shite that’s made for you put in this museum for you to view.
PRIZE SHITE
This is a grey area
A plastic spatula useful for cooking!
The very same plastic spatula actually cooking! Correction, actually cooked!
PRIZE WINNER ££££££££ THE CHULT MUSEUM
MOUS
OF USELESS SHITE
DEBORAH HILL from Colchester, CONGRATULATIONS you are our Prize Winner for sending in this piece of shite, now displayed in our virtual Museum Of Useless Shite. Your prize of a £1 PoundGod Store voucher is on its way to you. Spend it wisely.
This grey area can be yours!
THE CHULT MUSEUM OF USELESS SHITE Is proud to be sponsored by PoundGod Stores Always “Saving you more”
Advertise here
PoundGod
£1 Stores Saving you more
Advertisement
I CAN MAKE YOU
THICK
With HYPNO
Paul McEGGhead If you believe I can make you thick, CONGRATULATIONS, you’re half way there already! Don’t stop now, buy my book to complete the course successfully.
F
“WHEN YOU’RE SMART, YOU’RE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT KNOWLEDGE IS OVER-RATED”... DON’T DESPAIR, I CAN MAKE YOU THICK.
* Reduce IQ * Delete information * Erase knowledge
THICK
* Reduce IQ * Delete Information * Erase knowledge
Paul McEGGhead
I CAN MAKE YOU
HYPNO C D REE
THICK
* Reduce IQ * Delete Information * Erase knowledge
Paul McEGGhead
I CAN MAKE YOU
THICK
CALL 0900 60606 Now EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL OFFER buy 2 get one FREE THIS ONE
I CAN MAKE YOU
* Reduce IQ * Delete Information * Erase knowledge
FREE
Paul McEGGhead
This is an artists mock-up impression of our entry into the Walkers ‘Do Us A Flavour’ competition.
We think we’re in with a good chance and look forward to seeing them on supermarket shelves soon. Not to mention Gary Lineker enjoying a tasty treat on the telly adverts.
RESTRICTED CONTENT Sorry we can’t give away any more at this time. Blocks are removed on purchased comics (print & digital) but hope you’re enjoying the content we share for free.
Cu l t
ULT HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
The
In search of Robin’s missing plot
Robin’s
Robin claims his plot was stolen by aliens when he parked up at Charnock Richard Services on June the 18th, but there have been various sighting of Robin’s plot in several locations around the UK. Skeptics claim Robin’s plot was never there in the first place, if it didn’t exist, how can it be lost? Others say it’s a publicity stunt as Robin has just released a new single.
RIGHT, IT’S LIKE THIS RIGHT, NO FUCKING JOKE, I WAS AT CHARNOCK RICHARD SERVICES AND THIS LIGHT FLASHED IN THE SKY AND I LOOKED UP AND IT’S A FUCKING BIG UFO RIGHT ABOVE ME, IT WAS LIKE A BIG FUCK OFF BLACK TRIANGLE WITH RED LIGHTS ALL AROUND IT AND A GREEN LIGHT ON EACH CORNER YEAH. THERE WEREN’T JUST ME WHO SAW IT, BRENDON SAW IT TOO, BRENDON THE CAR AIR FRESHENER THAT IS, HE SAID “ROBIN WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT IN THE SKY” AND I JUST STARED AT Robin, THIS BIG FUCKING what the fuck IC UFO, I COULDN’T is that in the MAG SAY ANYTHING I sky? WAS LIKE IN Fresh SHOCK OR SOMETHING. AND IF YOU THINK I’M FUCKING MAD SAYING A CAR AIR FRESHENER SAID THAT, WELL IT’S A FUCKING MAGIC FRESH AND THEY CAN TALK COS THEY’RE FUCKING MAGIC, RIGHT! . .
A conspiracy? The plot thickens as the story of Robin’s plot continues.
L
THEN THIS BIG FUCKING BEAM OF LIGHT APPEARS AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW I’M LIED ON A TABLE INSIDE THIS BIG FUCKING UFO AND THIS ALIEN THAT LOOKS SOMETHING LIKE DANNII MINOGUE COMES OVER AND PROBES ME WITH A BLUE LIGHT STICK RIGHT, AND IT HAD FOUR ARMS AND WAS GREEN AND. . .
EM
. . . I TRIED TO GET OFF THE TABLE BUT I WAS FUCKING STUCK, LIKE BY SOME INVISIBLE FORCE. I WAS FUCKING SHITTING MYSELF AND SCREAMING BUT NO VOICE WAS COMING OUT, YOU KNOW LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE ONE OF THEM FUCKING NIGHTMARES, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT. I WAS FUCKING SHIT SCARED. THEN I FEEL SOMETHING FUCKING BAD MAN AND I REALISE THE FUCKING ALIEN THAT LOOKS LIKE DANNII MINOGUE IS PROBING MY ANUS WITH THE FUCKING BIG BLUE LIGHT STICK. MY FUCKING ARSE WAS SORE FOR A MONTH AFTER THAT, I KID YOU NOT. SO THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED, THE NEXT THING I’M BACK IN THE CAR ON CHARNOCK RICHARD SERVICES. I DIDN’T LOSE THE PLOT, IT WAS FUCKING STOLEN BY A FUCKING ALIEN THAT EXTRACTED IT TROUGH MY FUCKING ARSE. THAT’S HOW THEY GOT IT AND I DON’T KNOW HOW THE FUCK I’M GOING TO GET IT BACK.
BUT THEN SOMETHING ELSE WHEN I CAME AROUND IN THE CAR BRENDON SAID “DUDE YOU’RE A FUCKING SUPERHERO” I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT THEN I SAW MY REFLECTION IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR AND FUCK ME, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN, I GUESS THE ALIEN STOLE MY PLOT, BUT GAVE ME SUPERPOWERS IN RETURN.
Dude you’re a fucking superhero!
IC MAG
FRESH
FUCK ME BRENDON YOU’RE RIGHT, I’M A FUCKING SUPERHERO, HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? ME AND YOU BRENDON, WE CAN RULE THE WORLD... OR SAVE IT. WHATEVER COMES FIRST EH MATE! THEN I WAS FUCKING HUNGRY, SO I GOT A BURGER BEFORE HITTING THE M6 AND FUCKING OFF HOME. THAT’S HOW IT HAPPEND AND THINGS HAVEN’T BEEN THE FUCKING SAME SINCE I LOST THE PLOT. . . I MEAN HAD IT STOLEN!
Dagenham
The
Ruth Wilson
SIGHTINGS Eye Witness Testimonies I REMEMBER IT JUST LIKE YESTERDAY. IT WAS A BUSY MORNING I’D FINISHED 3 LOADS AND I WAS GONNA GO TO JO’S CAFÉ FOR A CUPPA AND A SPLIFF, I CAN’T HAVE A FAG IN HERE ANYMORE, ILLEGAL YOU KNOW!.. WHEN I HEARD A VOICE BEHIND ME SAY “HAVE YOU GOT CHANGE FOR SOAP POWDER PLEASE LOVE” WHEN I TURNED ROUND IT WAS ROBIN’S PLOT, I RECOGNISED IT INSTANTLY, I GAVE IT TWO FIFTY PENCE’S FOR A ONE POUND COIN AND IT BOUGHT SOME MACHINE POWDER THEN PUT ITS DIRTY WASHING IN. WAS VERY POLITE IT WAS TOO!
“ROBIN’S PLOT CAME INTO MY LAUNDRETTE TO DO ITS DIRTY WASHING” Shannon Jones
Bridgend I PUT A PAIR OF HEDGE TRIMMERS ON EBAY I DID, TO MAKE A QUICK QUID AND THEY SOLD FOR 3 QUID, I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT I COULDN’T, I ONLY BOUGHT THEM FROM THE POUND SHOP FOR A POUND. I’VE NEVER USED THEM THOUGH, LIKE NEW THEY WERE. ROBIN’S PLOT WON THE BID, WHEN PICKING THEM UP FROM MY HOUSE ROBIN’S PLOT SAID “DO YOU WANT ME TO TRIM YOUR BUSH BEFORE I LEAVE LOVE, I’LL DO IT FOR A FIVER”, I REPLIED “NO THANKS” AND IT GOT ON ITS WAY. I THOUGHT NOTHING MORE OF IT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN TANYA FROM NEXT DOOR POPPED OVER TO BORROW MY MINGE TRIMER AND SHE SAID SHE’D HEARD FROM DANIELLE THAT KAYLEY HAD TOLD SAMI THAT ROBIN HAD LOST HIS PLOT. AND CAN YOU BELIEVE, IT WAS RIGHT HERE OFFERING TO TRIM MY BUSH FOR A FIVER, SO IT WAS!
“ROBIN’S PLOT OFFERED TO TRIM MY BUSH, SNIP SNIP”
No location (psychic - in the mind)
Dick Aconker
ROBIN’S PLOT FIRST CAME TO ME IN A DREAM, IT WAS HAZEY BUT VERY CLEAR, IT DIDN’T SPEAK BUT I KNEW WHAT IT WAS SAYING. I’LL TRY TO TUNE IN TO ROBIN’S PLOT NOW, YES IT’S COMING THROUGH. I CAN SEE THAT ROBIN’S PLOT IS SAD AND I CAN ALSO SEE THAT ROBIN’S PLOT IS HAPPY. IT’S IN A PLACE WHERE THERE’S LOTS OF WATER, BUT IT’S VERY DRY. I GET A TERRIBLE SENSE OF DANGER, BUT ROBIN’S PLOT IS SAFE. HE’S ALONE BUT THERE ARE OTHERS. I CAN SEE A LINK WITH IRELAND AND THERE SEEMS TO BE AN ASSOCIATION WITH THE COLOUR GREEN, I’M GETTING A NAME BEGINNING WITH M BUT IT’S FADING, OOOO IT’S GONE. . BUT DON’T FORGET YOU TOO CAN BE PSYCHIC, BUY MY BOOK CONFESSIONS OF A COLD READER LANGUAGE TRICKS & BARNUM STATEMENTS MADE ME RICH. AVAILABLE IN SUPERMARKETS NOW!
“ROBIN’S PLOT CAME TO ME IN A DREAM, IT’S IN DANGER BUT IT’S SAFE”
FLIIC CK K
TAKE THAT
YOU CRIMINAL, EXPOSING YOUR UNDERWEAR IS A CRIME. MY TOXIC SNOT WILL GLUE YOUR JEANS UP! TAKE THAT. . .
EM
HAS ROBIN DISCOVERED HIS SUPERPOWER IN SUPERHUMAN TOXIC SNOT?
TO BE CONTINUED...
OT OR N
Horrorscopes ARIES
AQUARIUS
PISCES
Today you will get something in the post. You have waited for it and are excited but it comes with a deadly virus don’t open it.
You will have too much alcohol and wake up in bed having shagged a minger. Nothing new there then, but this will be a ginger minger.
Avoid cakes this week as a nasty surprise awaits you. A fly got there before you, take a bite & you’re sure to see a maggot inside.
Be aware when entering into a building with the letter S on it. Someone will hold the door for you then let it go smack in your face. O dear!
GEMINI
CANCER
LEO
VIRGO
Tonight when you sleep you will dream of ice cream. The ice cream is melting, if it melts before you wake up - you will wake up a crazy person & will be sectioned.
Take care when in a tall building you will get stuck in a lift with some like Jeremy Clarkson. Your patients will be tested. Remember murder is a crime.
An old friend re-appears with a hidden agenda. They hold a grudge, don’t turn your back they are sure to get out that knife. Ouch!
Act on impulse & you will live to regret it... You will become homeless, your only friends; cider, a park bench and the Daily Mail to wipe your ass on.
LIBRA Just when you thought things were going well someone with the letter J will put a spell on you and you will be paranoid all day.
TAURUS
SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN An overdue appointment at the dentist. But beware he gets carried away & removes 3 teeth by mistake then lies & says they were bad already.
You take public transport & sit next to a person who smells of cheese crisps. It makes you feel sick & you vomit on him so he punches you. .
IT’S WRITTEN IN THE STARS
Be careful, there is a spider that lurks. When you are sleeping it will crawl into your bed and lay its eggs in your mouth. Be sure to sleep well.
3 Sisters salon
If you had to shag one of the Top Gear presenters which one would you do? Hmmm
Arrr
I’m telling you, fasten your seatbelt baby, 0-60 in 20 seconds, they don’t cum much quicker than me!
It will have to wait I’m just going to build a Spitfire Mk1a... Limited edition!
Did I forget to say Maserati?
Christ these stiletto heals are killing me... But the pain is ooooo so pleasurable! .................... Ouch, ahhh that’s good!
I’d do James May. James may actually be worth the wait. He may be inclined to bring his toys into the bedroom, battery powered toys especially welcome! I’d do James May...
I can see where you’re coming from, but it has to be the hamster for me.
Arrr EM
OPEN MIC
Got something to say?
This space is reserved for CHULT readers to fill. Got something to say? Tell us and we’ll publish it here. Small Print: Chult reserves the right to reject boring drivel and edit text for whatever reason!
Open Mike give you a voice. Share whatever you like: a story, an idea, a dream, an argument, an experience, a joke, a poem, a rant, a rave, a day dream, a thought, a hobby, a dislike, a like, a conversation, a theory, Whatever you’ve got to say tell the world from this page. Send us your words.
and
Irrational Phobia’s With Bearded Toad Lady Man
TERRIFIED OF TRIANGLES PREMIUM CONTENT
TOO SCARED TO OPEN THE CUPBOARD DOOR
SCARED OF MY OWN HAND
at this time. Content is unblocked for purchased copies (print & digital).
ULT HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
Cult
Restricted content: sorry we can’t give any more away
RESTRICTED CONTENT Sorry we can’t give away any more at this time. Blocks are removed on purchased comics (print & digital). Hope you enjoy the free content in these pages.
Cult
ULT CHULT CH HULT CHUL H
Factory of Chit Hong Fat Chin Wag Ming Tang Fan That brush works, damn fool, it sweeps up, the next product you design that works, you’re fired.
Yes boss! Now get some scissors and cut the bristles into an archto make it useless.
Yes boss!
You understand, they buy shit then they buy a bit better shit which is supplied by our better shit department, we sell twice as much.
Damn you're almost as stupid as those westerners who buy this shit.
Yes boss!
Yes boss! After cutting those bristles you work on the paint that never dries. You got that!
Pak Choi
A FISHES TALE By E. Matthews
ing m u sc ! ’ e H n soo
Where’s Willy? Can you find him?
He’s hiding on a page of this publication!
Eible E R ns
Fof se UFF ST
Cult
ULT COMIC HULT CHUL CH CHULT H THE CHILDISH ADULT TIMES
The Wisdom Files Wise Owl & Clever Cat with
Restricted content, sorry we can’t give away anymore at this time.
Restricted content, sorry we can’t give away anymore at this time.
Cult
ULT HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
JUXTAPOSITION
Just a position
but some things should never appear Juxtaposed
Fabulous Fungi found and photographed while walking in the woods, as you do!
RESTRICTED CONTENT sorry we can’t give any more away at this time.
Cult
ULT HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
LOOK OUT FOR VIDEO ANIMATIONS OF SPED
SPED THE ANGRY POTATO ANIMATION NEEDS A VOICE
RESTRICTED CONTENT Sorry we can’t give away any more at this time. Blocks are removed on purchased comics (print & digital). Hope you enjoy the free content here and don’t forget to support our CHULT comic.
Cult
ULT HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
From the CHULT archives
Cult
ULT C CHULT HULT CHUL H H
RESTRICTED CONTENT sorry we can’t give away any more at this time
MONEY SAVING SEXPERT.COCK MY ARSE
3 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW 1. Buying baked beans for 50p instead of 65p will save you 15p 2. COMPANIES WANT YOUR MONEY 3. Your stupidity is making me rich, rich, rich I tell you, but I don’t thank you because loyalty doesn’t pay! £££ raking it in £££ raking it in £££ raking it in £££
VERSES THE CHULT COMMON SENSE GURU
JUST 1 THING YOU SHOULD KNOW 1. MONEY SAVING SEXPERT.COCK MY ARSE IS A COMPANY & COMPANIES WANT YOUR MONEY
If you bake your own bread instead of buying it, you save on supermarket shopping bills. Recipe on my site, bake at gas mark 7 for 6 hours..
£ $
££ KERCHING ££ That’s £10,000 to me from the Gas Company
CHULT Common Sense Guru To save on the cost of bread, don’t buy it, make it or eat it. Simple saving!
Shop around online for the best insurance deal.
££ KERCHING ££ 5 grand to me from comparison websites
£ $
CHULT Common Sense Guru
This kids dress wont fit my big toe, you fucking fat person racist pig you. There are laws you know, I’m getting you done for discrimination!
£ $
CHULT Common Sense Guru
When buying new clothes, squeeze into children’s sizes. There is no VAT on kids clothes, saving you money..
If you already have clothes why buy new ones? “Fashion is unfashionable!” Don’t you know?
££ Kerching ££ from Kutey Kids clothing importers
SAVE ££ POUNDS ££
With The Money Crash
DIET
Now with all that money I’ve saved you, go and buy my book for more money saving advice. May as well milk the fat market as well as the stupid market.
Save on car insurance by not owning a car! Walk you lazy good for nothing fucker!!
CHULT Common Sense Guru
£ $
If you are obese with bad eye sight you may have an excuse for buying the book. Anyone else tempted we recommend the CHULT Gullibility Test Kit. Available in all good stores.
Hmm.. Could it be? The Easily Influenced Market is the only market for Money saving sexpert.cock my arse.
EM
.
NB: If you are wondering where the sexpert.cock my arse bit came from, well it made u look dinnit!
REVEALED
A secret history...
..is no secret anymore! For many years there has been much speculation that a secret history runs parallel to the one that we know. Academics, journalist and many independent thinkers have expressed not just their theory, but evidence, knowledge and facts on the subject. Darwin’s Theory of Evolution has caused much discussion amongst thinkers, but less discussion and more denial from religious organisations. The Missing Link, has evidence been found then destroyed to deny people the knowledge of their true origins? The answer... ...is YES
EVOLUTION
?????
What happened to the dinosaurs? As so often the case, the truth is amongst us!
When you are ready Prepare yourself for the most incredible discovery you’ll ever make! turn over the page
MISSING LINK
?
REVEALED What happened to the dinosaurs?
? ?? ? ? We are the dinosaurs!
Y IS BARNE THE MISSING LINK
?
CHULT Letters
J
Write to us
A LETTER FROM A LADY Dear Chult, people are pissing me off and I don't know why. Maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe they wouldn't bother me so much then. I haven't had nearly enough sex as I should have had. I'm all for making up for lost time but have no one to make it up with sadly. I want to wake up on a Bank Holiday & have someone climb on, you know? Don't get me wrong, I meet people. Just last week I bought some nails and the guy who sold them to me said 'Is your husband going to bang these in for you?' (I'm thinking has he been watching Derren Brown & is now practicing subliminal nonsense - sure I need to get 'banged' all right but you're really not my type). I bought a large item impulsively but had left my car at home so called a taxi & the driver said 'Is your husband going to screw this together for you?' Another fancying his chances after watching Derren Brown no doubt. I had carpet delivered and the delivery man said 'Is your husband going to lay this for you?' Ok I realise either all these guys watch Derren Brown & believe in subliminal message nonsense or like the carpet, I need to get laid. Probably the latter! A man came to read the gas meter and said - well that would be telling! I'm joking of course (about the gas man, but I wish I wasn't). So my problem is, what is my problem and will getting laid solve my problem and how do I get laid?.....Thanks Charmaine CHULT says: Letting laid may do the trick, but getting laid isn’t a guaranteed orgasm. CHULT recommends you invest in a Lean Mean Green Fucking Machine as advertised below. Letters to chult@chult.co.uk Please write in the subject line ‘Letters’
GEORGE FORESKIN
LEAN GREEN FUCKING
MEAN ORGASMIC
MACHINE
Get her out of the kitchen and into the bedroom (or anywhere you like) with this incredible portable
LEAN MEAN GREEN FUCKING MACHINE
in hand she obviously procreated before buying fuck ugly contraceptive footwear.
CHULT fashion
FUCK UGGLY FOOTWEAR
I
‘m no fashionista but one doesn’t have to be trend aware to observe the craze if not crazies who adorn these boot atrocities. Girls (and now boys) who wear UGG boots may as well leave the condoms in the draw at home, UGG boots guarantee you wont get laid. (except perhaps by other UGG boot wearers & is that what you really want?).
With babies bottle
O W
hat UGG boots say: “I am willing to sacrifice having sex to wear fuck ugly footwear that I've paid a fuck load of money for to be a walking advert for a foreign brand of footwear made from cute animals. Awww! But I don’t really know this cos I thinks I just look good, like a celebrity innit!”
n seeing an UGG boot wearer I know immediately that is someone I would have nothing in common with, would never have a meaningful relationship or even friendship (although I may stretch to the 'drinking-partner' (cough) in times of desperation).
N
UGG boots are damn ugly, unsexy, unfeminine yet too feminine to be masculine. They are bought by, well Customers Who Bought UGG Boots Also Bought:
ow also available in wool stripes, could this put an end to procreation of the stupid? Who the fuck will fuck someone wearing wool striped boots? Who'd have thought UGG boots would confirm Darwins theory of Natural Selection? Well the world is overpopulated!
SHIT SHIT face cream (208)
Appetite suppresor (15)
Fucking Machine (3608)
Please note: those who bought UGG boots also bought a fucking machine! That’s a machine that fucks. Told you so.. People who wear them can’t get shagged!
They are the kind of people who try them, then buy them, believing them a size 6 but had them upside down and they were actually a size 9. . . . . . (But they only take a size 5!) NB: Editorial correction with reference to the picture of the person top right. It was implied the bottle of baby milk was for her own child, but in fact the person in the picture is 40 years old and the bottle of milk is for her grandchild.
From Arts & Crafts to Hover Crafts, Space Crafts, Witch Craft! Yeah, all crafts! we bring you the latest in hobbies & interest for you to go & explore some more.
PYLON SPOTTING PHALLIC/OBELISK SHAPE
ROCKET SHAPE
We nickname these pylons ‘Lava Rockets’ because they look like lava lamps that look like rockets.
MR & MRS PYLON
The Obelisk at the Vatican.
MORE PEOPLE PYLONS Sculptured people pylons, takes a real genius to come up with this idea.
Get involved
Inspired by The Baphomet.
QUITE OBVIOUSLY THE HORNS OF BAPHOMET
Kirsty from Pylon, Pylon & Pylon Spotters Org., says “Come & join us for a day of pylon spotting. We welcome you to compare pylon pictures and check out the latest pylon merchandise B4 heading off outdoors for a spot of pylon spotting. Later we go off to the pub for a few beers before heading back to Dave’s for a line then we all partake in our monthly pylon, pylon & pylon sex orgy, You never knew pylons could be so interesting, did you? as you do!”. Contact Kirsty for more info.
YOU KNOW U WANT IT!
FO R
HIM
PLYON POWER
FOR
HER
Limited Edition Special Designer Available in S M L XL PLYON LOVE
er ial Design c e p S n o i it Limited Ed ble in S M L XL Availa
JUST DO IT PYLON
STYLE
ORDER FORM
CHULT
ULT HULT CHUL CH CHULT H
Cu l t
Working with top designers & quality manufactures to bring you the best in alternative & individual product statements.
1 . o N
NEW T DUC PRO CH N LAU
Britains
manufacturer
It seems from this glossy mag we’ve been missing out on a fortune...
of shit
WE’RE GOING INTO THE BEAUTY BUSINESS
START PRODUCTION ON THE SHIT FACE CREAM
? Yes Sir, would that be age defying, youth preserving, anti-rinkle or anti-ageing, with SFP or antioxidant or...
IMMEDIATELY! Minutes later in the SHIT Marketing Department of the SHIT Factory
Shit face cream hugh!
What about: Lack of nutrients to your skin can cause upto 90% premature ageing. ONLY SHIT FACE CREAM contains a unique blend of natural deposits to nourish youth back in to ageing skin.
WHATEVER, GET THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT ON TO IT, NOW!
Sounds good!
Great, maybe include some before and after picture too.
Before
After
Estimated
Results with Shit Face Cream Not forgetting some scientific sounding words & abbreviations, include - as tested by ASFW (who knows or cares that means A Shit Factory Worker). A BIUS must have product always sounds good too. (Buy If U Stupid..that is!).
Later the product is presented to Pee Watermelon
And finally celebrity endorsement, a famous face to smear shit all over their face will surely make sales rocket.
It seems the dude’s obsessed with lady chav mags.
Sir we have the product and the campaign ready for launch we just need your approval.
Sure, but first. Do u remember the 1st time u made love to a woman with short hair?
No, I’m sorry sir I don’t recall.
Hmm no eh. OK let’s see what you got!
BUT WAIT A MINUTE WHAT’S THIS?
Girls, since I discovered SHIT face cream I feel and look amazing.
Now that’s what I call good shit!
You too deserve SHIT
Chezza’s secret is SHIT Kirsty Allstrop! Sir?
Sir it’s the advertising campaign, celebrity endorsement.
Pee opens his bottom drawer to access his collection of ’meat’ mags
I can see that! Replace her with Kirsty Allstrop!
You heard what I said, now close the door on your way out!
SHHLLUURRP! Imagine that. Ahhh! Kirsty Allstrop smearing MY Shit all over her lovely face!
Yeah baby! ?~# I
meat magazine
VE I S U L EXCinterview Pig
Kirsty Allstrop
EM
Pork
“Finding the right house is easier than finding the right face cream. Finally I found SHIT, a product that’s right up my street.” Kirsty Allstrop * ANTI RINKLE * BEAUTIFYING * MOISTURISING * ANTI UNCLE * PRO GENERATING * ANTI EVAPORATING * PRO EXCEL RENEWAL SE
SHIT
G STANDARD TTIN S
A.S.F.W.
y roved b p p a d an
APPROVED
Tested
A.S.F.W.
AA B.I.U.S B.I.U.S.must musthave have product product
..THE STORY CONTINUES
SOON THE PRODUCT IS AVAILABLE IN STORES
SHIT SHIFTERS Got some shit you want to shift
? Creative & Strategic Advertising Professionals. Who get
RESULTS advertising@chult.co.uk
OMG they’ve got SHIT face cream. Jen was right it’s totally awesome.
£200! What the Hell, I’ve got my credit card!
And we’re worth it babe! And I’ve got to get it before Katy does, she’ll be so jealous..
A month later in The SHIT Factory Office
SHIT It’s right up my street
Good, that was quick.. What’s wrong with your face?
SOMEONE GET ME THE SALES FIGURES FOR THE SHIT FACE CREAM
Geez don’t laugh, I need this job, I got kids to feed!
Hope you’re enjoying our story of PEE WATERMELLON, sorry but It’s a nice face! we can not give anymore away at this moment. If you’ve enjoyed the content of CHULT be sure to lend your support.
THE GOATIE, I’M TALKING ABOUT THE GOATIE BEARD!
face ThanksMy for reading. Sir!
It’s right up
According to statistics in this magazine 7 out of 10 women believe facial hair on a man makes them better lovers.... Ok let’s see the sales report.
Enough of your face.. What do you think of mine?
Sales for SHIT face cream
MONTH 1 Credit card sales Debit card sales Cash sales Online sales Stolen
These sales figures are incredible what sort of people buy this SHIT Stupid people Sir
It’s right up
Each square = 1 million
ULT CHULT CH HULT CHUL H
Cult
SUMMARY
Total 14 million pots of SHIT face cream shifted in 1 month to stupid persons.
WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 3 WEEK 4
So it seems, I think I just read an article on such a person, a woman called Cheshire Wife who’s only ambition is to get into a magazine called Cheshire Life.
EM
Consumer profile
80% Purchased by a stupid person 10% Purchased for a stupid person by a stupid person 5% Purchased by mistake (even stupider) 5% Stolen
Right, get everyone together this calls for CELEBRATIONS!!
Eible E FofRsenUs FF
Contains Muppets
ST
Cult
ULT COMIC C CHULT HULT CHUL H H !! G N
ISH I D L RN CHI R A W AINS OU
UM H T Y 18+ L U L AD STRICT T
N CO
THE CHILDISH ADULT TIMES
If you enjoy the content of CHULT and would like the comic to continue please