The test comes first, the lesson

Only circles are perfect

Toni and Matt Durban of Price Hill took on certain tasks in raising three young sons. Toni was the negotiator: Do this, you get that. But looking back on her parenting in 2020, Toni says, “This pandemic has broken me down.”

“I don’t even care anymore,” she said, laughing, “now I say if you want it, take it, I’m so sick of fighting with them.”

Seven months after its arrival in the United States, the new coronavirus is injecting uncertainty into every back-toclass routine. Family-life experts offer five ways parents can prepare mentally for a school year unlike any other.

1. The test comes first, the lesson later

AtBeech Acres Parenting Center, parents get support to understand that the meaning of difficulties doesn’t become clear until they are over.

“We’re talking a lot to parents about managing their own stress first because stress is contagious, which is a funny thing to say in the middle of a pandemic,” said Jill Huynh, a center social worker who also is vice president of the center’s Parent Connext program and of new business development. The arrival of the new school year gives parents a chance to take what worked then and apply those techniques, she said.

Pediatric psychologist Katherine Junger at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, said parents of older children and teenagers can acknowledge the loss of typical school-year milestones and remind them that life holds more notable moments.

2. It’s OK that you don’t know

“Kids are really looking to us to understand how to navigate this really difficult time,” Junger said. “Parents can be modeling that for your kids, even saying out loud, ‘This is kind of a tricky situation, I don’t know what I’m going to do, I’m going to learn more and then I’ll make a decision.’

“That models for them how to get through this,” Junger said. “It normalizes that everybody has emotions.”

The Durban family of Price Hill: Matt, Elliott, 11; Oliver, 6; Wesley, 10, and Toni. Parenting through the pandemic, Toni said, often left her in tears. She sought online coursework to help her and Matt guide their sons into the new school year. PROVIDED

Huynh Junger

Huynh said parents can provide one bright light. “The pandemic is scary,” she said, “and the most important thing a parent can do is reassure a child that the child is safe, loved and cared for. A parent needs to say that very consistently in this very uncertain world.”

3. Only circles are perfect

Durbin of Price Hill said the tough year with her sons leaves her worried that “I’m setting them up for failure, even though I know deep in my heart that it’s not true.”

The pursuit of parental perfection is a heavy burden in the best of times, and the pandemic only spread a sense of parental failure.

“There is this worry that they’re going to break their kids, they’ll end up in jail and not get an education,” Huynh said. “There’s no research out there that shows one decision a parent makes is going to cause all that to happen.”

“Take a deep breath,” said Junger at Cincinnati Children’s. “We are really giving families permission and the confidence to make the decisions that are best for their families. We have to be nuanced and encouraging families to take a step back and assess what the needs of their families are.”

4. Be wary of knee jerks “Kids are really looking to us to understand how to navigate this really difficult time. Parents can be modeling that for your kids, even saying out loud, ‘This is kind of a tricky situation, I don’t know what I’m going to do, I’m going to learn more and then I’ll make a decision.’ ”

Jill Huynh

social worker at Beech Acres Parenting Center

Get out of the cycle of reacting, Junger said, even though the fluid situation can be overwhelming.

“Anxiety thrives in uncertainty,” she said. “Brains are problem-solving machines, and you can imagine all kinds of things unfolding. Generally speaking, that is not a super-helpful exercise.”

The new school year can be “a really good opportunity to build emotional resilience, to build flexibility, to change our mindset in thinking about the future.”

5. Ask for help

Beech Acres offers complimentary coaching, Huynh said, and 50 families have already taken advantage of the support. To get the coaching, parents can send email through Beech Acres’ website, and a specialist will follow up.

Junger recommended starting a meditation practice or other passage to make relaxation a part of the day and help a parent be “a better body detective” to monitor stress.

The Durban boys are Elliott, 11, Wesley, 10, and Oliver, 6. For guidance in raising her sons, Toni Durbin prays. She also signed up for an online course through Varsity Tutors. And she started taking 3- mile walks every day, her music blasting in her ears. Then her husband took up walking with her. And sometimes, the boys come along. “It’s been great,” she said.