The Call

Fanfiction: The Office television series

“Everyone! Can I have your attention please!” The office turns to face me. “I have been made aware that I should be expecting a call from my boss, Jan. I’m sure you all know her. Your boss’s boss. Yeah, we, uh, kind of have a history… so, uh, yeah. There cannot be any interruptions while I’m on the phone with her. Is that understood?”

“ Yes sir, Michael, sir!” Dwight’s voice echoes through the room.

“Alright. That’s all.” I turn to go back to my desk.

“Michael, as Assistant Regional- er- Assistant to the Regional Manager,” says Dwight, stepping in front of me, “I believe it should be my job to defend your office until you have concluded your call with Jan.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary.”

“I have a purple belt in Goju-Rya Karate and have duelled my cousin Mose on a daily basis since I was an infant. You needn’t fear any entry. We Schrutes have strong bones.”

“Alright, fine, Dwight. Just- don’t do anything stupid. I don’t have time for this.”

Through my window, I can see the rest of the office busy at work. I look to my door. Where’s Dwight? He just said he’d be there. Just then, I see a figure dressed in white exit the breakroom. As it approaches, the purple belt around its waist becomes apparent. My God.

“Namaste, Michael.” Dwight bows. “I will stand sentry and do my duty to this company.”

“Dwight, just- ugh. Well, there’s no point in getting you to change now, Jan’s gonna be calling any minute. Just… think before you do something you’ll regret. Or I’ll regret.” I hear the phone ring from my office. “Don’t do anything stupid!” I yell as I rush to pick up the phone.

“Hey, Jan. How’s it goin’?”

“Hello, Michael. I’m calling about your branch’s sales. Dunder Mifflin Scranton’s profits have been on the decline for some time, and I’m afraid of what may happen if this trend continues.”

“Oh, Jan, it’s okay, you don’t need to try and hide it. I know why you called.”

“No, Michael, I’m calling for purely business reasons. If Scranton can’t improve its sales, the branch may have to close.”

“Mhm, yeah, got that. Now what else- oh for fudge’s sake, Dwight!”

I hear a faint “Michael? Michael?” from behind as I drop the phone and leap across my office desk. Crashing through the door, I find Dwight holding that mole, Toby, in a headlock.

“I caught this corporate shill red-handed, attempting to sabotage your meeting!”

“No!” Exclaims Toby, still in a headlock. “No, I was just walking by to get to the break room when Dwight pounced on me!”

“Honestly, Toby, I’ve come to expect this kind of behavior from you. But you, Dwight? I expected better. Sort this out. I gotta get back to Jan.” I pick up the phone again. “Hey, sorry about that. It was just your little corporate spy Toby trying to undermine our company. You may want to talk to some higher-ups about him.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be talking to some higher-ups. Probably not about him, though.” She hangs up.

There’s nothing I love more than a productive day of work.