Caitlin Zurowski

EXCERPT FROM THE TROJAN DAMES INSPIRED BY GREEK PLAYWRIGHT EURIPIDES’ THE TROJAN WOMEN - AS A FILM NOIR SCREENPLAY, IN THE STYLE OF HARDBOILED CRIME FICTION

THERE’D BEEN TENSION BETWEEN THE GREEKS, from the west side of the city, and the Trojans, from the east, but things got personal for private detective Menelaus when his wife, Helen, left him for the Chief of Police’s son, Paris. Down in his office, Hecuba, the Chief of Police’s wife, sits in a chair across from Menelaus, who has handcuffed his exwife to the desk between them. Helen sits perched on the edge of the table, smoking a cigarette.

HELEN

Now, maybe it don’t make no difference to you if what I say has got a grain of truth, but I’m gonna’ tell you anyway. I’ve been framed, I tell ya! Maybe if I explain it nice and proper, you’ll see that I didn’t mean no one no harm.

Helen takes a long drag of her cigarette; looks pointedly at the private detective, Menelaus, who crosses his arms.

HELEN

Where do I start, honey? It was that schemin’ floozy there who started all this; Paris was hers, don’t you know? And she was in cahoots with that wretched Priam, the chief of police. He shoulda killed that damned boy of his when he was still a tyke. It’s too late now, though; that little boy grew into the man that ruined this city, and my reputation.

Menelaus’ eyes narrow, Hecuba lets out a small gasp and presses her finely manicured hand to her heart.

HELEN

I’m not done, Detective. Remember those three rich women? All of ‘em lived in that swanky pad up on Mount Olympus, on the outskirts of town, you remember? Paris was the one who done judged that contest of beauty they had back in ‘42. Now, I’ve heard that Athena bribed him with guns and some men, sayin’ that he could use ‘em to run things ‘round here. And Hera, they say, promised that he’d rule the whole damn country if he’d choose her. Aphrodite, though, she knew what a charmer I was, and told that boy that she’d set him up with little old me.

Helen shifts her weight, swinging her hips dramatically as she does it. Menelaus cocks one eyebrow, while Hecuba rolls her eyes.

HELEN

And, well, of course Aphrodite won that contest. I’d’ve been damn surprised if she hadn’t. But I’m telling you, hon, I never would’ve met the guy if it hadn’t been for her. How could I have known he wasn’t Greek? And with all that Trojan scum running around, this town would’ve been run by ‘em if Paris had chosen a different broad! You wouldn’t be the big cheese! The Greeks run this town now, which wouldn’t have been the case had I not suffered ‘cause of that wise guy. I’m the victim here! Now the Greeks in this town look the other way when they see me, instead of givin’ me flowers like they used to. Now I know you’re sittin’ there thinkin’ that I’m still to blame for all this, and it don’t explain why I snuck around behind your back with that Trojan fella, but I got an explanation for that too! Paris had friends in high places, I tell ya. You can call him any name you like, Paris, or Alexander, but he had Aphrodite with him when we first met! And she’s a knock-out, you’ve seen her! And the dame’s got a ton of cash. How could I say no? Anyway, it’s like I said, it’s Paris who tore up this city with all that gang violence, not me.

There’s a long pause. Menelaus walks to the window and lights up a cigarette, looking out onto the street. He looks back at the two women in his office, taking them in. Helen, all dressed up, starts to fidget impatiently.

HELEN

It was you, you flatfloot! You let that man into our house! And then you hit the road! Off to Crete you went, leavin’ me all alone in our big ol’ house!

She takes a moment, putting out her cigarette on desk.

HELEN

Why did I do it, huh? Why’d I leave everything I got with you for some guy that gives me the heebie-jeebies? If you’re gonna punish anyone for this, honey, throw the book at Zeus! You got the gut to do that? Throw the book at him! He’s the head honcho, but that Aphrodite, she’s got him wrapped around her little finger. Go on, why don’t you arrest him? Aren’t you gonna say anything? Tell me that I should’ve come home when Paris was shot down, and left in that gutter? That ends a marriage, don’t you think?

Menalaus looks right at her for the first time since she came into his office. Helen tries to move toward him, but is restrained by the handcuffs that bind her to Menelaus’ desk.

HELEN

I wanted to, darling, I did! Ask any of the Trojan henchmen; they’ll tell you. I kept tryin’ to sneak out of their houses, but the second man that I was was forced to marry wasn’t having any of that.

Hecuba let out another exasperated sigh, looking at Helen with disdain. Menelaus looks conflicted.

HELEN

Oh, honey, how could you throw me in the slammer now? I’m the victim here, don’t you see?

Menelaus looks away from her at last, and puts out his cigarette on the windowsill. He walks back to the desk and sits down. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

HELEN

If you’d still rather I took the rap for this, then you’re a stronger man than I thought.

Cue dramatic underscoring. Menelaus is taken aback, and the romantic nostalgia she had managed to build up is broken with this cutting comment. He lights up another cigarette.