A One-Sided Conversation

by Catherine Steblaj Hillfield Strathallan College

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

Hey D! Are you still not coming to Homecoming? I know you and Kyle got in a fight but that’s no reason for you not to go, just hang out with me. Come on D we’ll just go and dance, it’ll be fun! Ugh call me back so I can continue to shame you for your bad decisions. Love you.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

D! I heard something happened and no one will tell me what’s happening. Are you okay?! Your mom said that she got a call from the hospital saying you were admitted, what the hell is going on?! Please call me back.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

Hey D. Your mom won’t let me see you. 10 years of friendship and I can’t even see you. I’d break in if the nurses weren’t such hard asses. Just know that I love you and I’m planning the great heist that will allow us to watch Netflix together again. You better not go ahead with Grey’s without me. See you soon. Love you.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

Hey D. Still denied from seeing you. Something about how only family members are allowed in the ICU, not like we’re basically sisters or anything. Tell your mom if she doesn’t let me see you soon I will egg your house and I’m only partly joking. Anyways, the heist is moving into stage two of planning. Two questions: do you know where I can buy a grappling hook and how much upper body strength does it take to scale a building? Hang in there, D, I’ll see you soon. Love you.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

It’s been ten hours since your mom told me. I can’t believe that you’re gone. I feel like that time in grade 8 where we got in that fight and we said that we hated each other and didn’t talk for two months. Only it’s worse now, because last time I knew we would work it out. God, I miss you already. I can’t even do ten hours without you. How the hell am I supposed to live the rest of my life?!

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

People keep trying to tell me that you’re in a better place now but all that does is piss me off. You promised that we’d do all this together. First college roommates, then dance partners, bridesmaids, godparents, award show hosts like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. We were supposed to grow old and be the bitter old ladies that told kids to get off our lawns and own a million cats together. How is you being in a better place going to make up for losing that?

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

We buried you today. It was terrible. All these people you hate came and said “I wish I knew her better” and the usual bull that makes them feel better. You would’ve hated it. The only bright side was when they did the procession and Angela tripped and fell. It was pretty great. I also made sure that they painted your nails the way you like. At least you’ll look like you wherever you are.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

It’s been a week since you left. Everyone tells me that it’ll get easier with time but I don’t know how. Every time I see your name I feel like I got punched a million times right to the gut. They say the pain becomes manageable but I don’t know how this will ever be manageable. I feel like I was ripped in half and I am the only one who can see that I’m not whole anymore.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

So I may have gotten suspended. Some idiot told me I should just “get over it already”, as if that was an option. Yet the school blames me for the fact that his nose is broken. I mean, I swear they reward you for stupidity here. I hope he can never smell his gross cologne again.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

It’s a month from graduation and my mom keeps pressuring me to think about university but alI I can think about is how we were going to go together. I can’t even look at those ridiculous info packages without breaking down. This was supposed to be our big adventure. How am I supposed to do this without you?

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

I told my mom I’m not going next year. She keeps trying to fight me on it. She thinks a change of scenery would be good for me. That it would help me move on. Why can’t she understand that moving on means forgetting you? I would rather be stuck here in this Godforsaken town till I die than do that.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

Hey D. I needed to hear your voice. Graduation is tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m going to survive this without you. It seems so final. Before, when your desk was empty in calculus I could pretend that you were on a vacation somewhere warm and nice, lying on the beach, drinking a margarita. That image is getting harder and harder to hold on to.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

I’ve officially graduated. I know we always talked about how great it would feel like but it honestly feels terrible. Maybe that’s because I feel like I’m leaving you behind too. They say it’s not the case but that doesn’t change anything.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

I walked to your house tonight for the first time since the accident. I sat on the curb outside and waited for your light to come on for a couple hours. At one point it did, and I got up to run into your house but then I realized that it was just your mom. I guess you really aren’t coming back.

Hey it’s Delilah. Leave a message after the beep.

So after relentless nagging, my mom finally convinced me to go to university. I move out tomorrow. Packing up my room is terrible because it makes it harder to remember all the times we sat here doing stereotypical sleepover things. It’s almost freeing in a way; it makes the memories more private. It doesn’t change how much I miss you though. I don’t think anything will ever change that. Man, I hope that you’re up there watching. What else am I doing all this for if you can’t even laugh at my mistakes? I just wish that we could make them together. No matter what though, I’ll always love you, Delilah.

Voicemail Full.