Magazine Devoted to Educating, Uniting and Empowering our Community VOLUME II, ISSUE 3 • SUMMER 2008
Michelle Bersell Leading a Life of Balance
SPECIAL FRIENDSHIP ISSUE! Friendships: the Key to Success - Pg 22
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The Health Benefits of Friendships - Pg 30
Keys to Lasting Friendships - Pg 36
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citiGal Editorial
Contents
pg 7
By Melanie Beres
Feedback Gals & Guys
pg 10
Letters from the community.
Uncle Tom Guy
pg 11
pg 12
Michelle Bersell: Leading a life of balance. By Melanie Beres
Art & Soul Gal pt. 2
pg 21
Art & Soul Gal pt. 3
pg 37
Lynn Larkins & Lynnier Concepts. By Chelsea Stack
Go Forward Gal
Nurturing your friendship. By Amy Foster, MBA
Wisdom Gal
pg 18
pg 20
The opportunity cost. By Rebecca Neumann, Ph.D.
pg 22
Friendships: the key to success. By Patricia Clason
Special Feature: Two Women making the best of both worlds. pg 24 By Jodie Niles
pg 36
pg 38
Feminist’s Third Wave. By Erin Hareng
Sandra Wood: Lifting spirits, changing lives. By Rosie Ricks
Trailblazer Gal
pg 34
Keys to lasting friendships. By Malja Strelnieks
BUSINESS SECTION
Econ Gal
pg 32
Single mom entrepreneurs. By Sandy Krause
Herstory Gal
On Assignment Gal
pg 30
Health benefits of friendships. By Jennette Cable, N.D.
Concierge Gal
Living the lotus life. By Chelsea Stack
pg 28
Defining life balance. Lora Hyler
Guru Gal pg 14
pg 26
Women and friendship. By Michelle Bersell, M.A., M.Ed.
Perfect Balance Gal
KT Rusch has no Mali Blues. By Chelsea Stack
COVER STORY
LIFESTYLE SECTION FEATURING FRIENDSHIPS & RELATIONSHIPS Mentality Gal
Why I’m a proud Uncle Tom. By Steven Reynolds
Art & Soul Gal pt. 1
Volume II, Issue 3 • Summer 2008
CALENDAR
pg 41
A guide to music, theatrical, family and informative events.
Transformation Gal
pg 43
Children’s author Trudy Ludwig. By Jane Finkenbine
CitiGal has monthly issues available on the web! Look for July and August issues at www.citigalmagazine.com.
Cover photo by Glamour Shots The clothing and accessories appearing on the cover photo are supplied by Vieux et Nouvuea Nancy Gillombardo twill and stitch skirt - $120 Survival aqua tank - $45
citiGal Devoted to Educating, Uniting and Empowering our Community
DMS Publishing P.O. Box 170111 • Milwaukee, WI 53217 414-446-5263 • CitiGal@wi.rr.com www.CitiGalmagazine.com Publishers
Melanie Beres Derek Jacobs
Executive Director of Journalists
Deborah Wham
Copy Editor
Becky Jenkins
Graphic Design
Derek Jacobs Shelby Sapusek Ryan Fitzpatrick
Calendar & Research Gals
Chelsea Stack Kenya Evans Elizabeth Bolin
Website Director
Ryan Fitzpatrick
CitiGal magazine is a free publication distributed throughout the Greater Milwaukee Area. CitiGal is a quarterly print magazine. The next printed issue will be published August 2008. A new monthly issue will appear exclusively on citigalmagazine.com starting in the month July. The opinions expressed in the publication’s articles are solely those of the authors. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without the written permission of DMS Publishing. A special thanks to all of the writers, contributors, advertisers, and editors for making this issue a reality.
Great Opportunity for Internships! CitiGal is looking for those eager to learn and create opportunities in publication! Call 414-446-5263 for more information.
TELL US WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ ABOUT! Is there an issue that you would like CitiGal to cover?
Please email us at CitiGal@wi.rr.com and offer your comments 5
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By Melanie Beres
Editorial
“Birds of a feather flock together.” Melanie is a married mother of four. In 1991 she founded Midwest Rock Opera Company, which empowers women on stage and behind. She served as twoterm president for Milwaukee Business Professional Woman, Art & Entertainment Editor for Wisconsin Women and has written for many publications.
O
The Care and Keeping of Friends
ur summer issue of CitiGal Magazine tackles the care and keeping of friends. This is one of my favorite topics. My friends support me when I am down, accept me for my many flaws, help me raise my children, help me reach my career ambitions, and share joy in my success. My friends support me unconditionally and without me having to ask them for help. Without my friends I would be nothing. It seems that many people don’t grasp the meaning of friendship. Friendship requires honesty, deep investment, forgiveness, tolerance, respect, active reciprocation, and patience. Most of us were not taught how to network or what a real friend is. Friendship-making is the most important skill one will ever learn. It is never too late to learn how to make healthy and strong friendships. Wrought with shallow relationships, social climbers often find no one to turn to in times of need. The lack of understanding of basic friendship investment skills starts in the home when children are very young. We are a mirror reflection of the world we live in, so it should come as no surprise that families and society as a whole is disconnected. Many people place more value in outer appearance, their needs, and material goods rather than personal responsibility or a moral compass of value.
In high school, my best friend and I were invited into the “popular” crowd. We went to one or two parties with the so-called popular people from school. It was intoxicating to be invited in, and for a minute, I found myself feeling quite superior to all others, but not for long. The most important things were: who was cheating on whom, who could be the meanest, what kind of car they had, how much their clothes cost, what latest toy they had, and how wasted they could get. The popular crowds’ hobby was who they could step over to be the leader by belittling as many people as they could. Luckily, my friend and I realized that if that was how the popular crowd valued life, that circle was not for us. As evidenced by beloved 80’s movies like Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles, popular kids I grew up with were rewarded for their behavior by parents and teachers alike. As my eldest two daughters are in middle school, it is sad to say not much Continued next page
7
Editorial
from page 7
has changed today. The popular crowd is as toxic and dysfunctional as ever. Out of pure curiosity I went to my 10 year high school reunion. I was surprised by a few classmates who thanked me for sticking up for them when they were picked on. To my surprise, I learned that I was popular, but positively popular, because I talked to everyone and made people who were considered “freaks, geeks or nerds” feel welcome and valued. During the reunion party a few of us watched while the popular crowd gaggled over each other and excluded others. Disgusted by exclusionary and elitist adult behavior, a group of us relocated to a venue where we could get to know each other better. The popular mean kids grew up to be popular mean adults with very dysfunctional lives to include several divorces, failed relationships, several kids from different fathers/mothers, addiction, and complete chaos. I learned that really cool people see the world a little differently, don’t get caught up in what Hollywood tells them is popular, are their own leaders, are extremely smart, constantly evolve, are healthy, generous, and philanthropic. As a result of avoiding the intoxicating offer to belong to the popular crowd and choosing to keep my integrity rather than losing my soul to a false sense of security, my best friend and I grew up to have intact families, amazing careers, wonderful marriages and fantastic friendships. Oh, and the freaks, nerds and geeks grew up to be ultra-successful and beautiful, too. It rings true what they say becomes of the popular crowd after high school. The difference between being good popular and bad popular is vast. Bad popular people create a false sense of security and accomplishment, look down on all others while good popular people actually create a healthy sense of security, have tangible success, and treat
everyone with respect. You can count on people with a high sense of integrity. You can’t count on people with an elitist, or “win at all other’s expense” mentality. Unintentionally, in my late 30’s, I have come to be extremely proud of my positive popular label. I have always been my own leader, have no fear to be the voice of the voiceless, and come with a reputation for being a loyal friend, fair player, and a person that places ethics above all else.
8
Life is full of normal chaos. Yet abnormal chaotic people are toxic and don’t grasp friendship rules. To be a leader means owning all mistakes and constantly watching out for the insanely jealous sharks that will try to take you down at every turn. Owning up to mistakes for me is easy because I make honest mistakes. The sharks almost broke me, but somehow my will wouldn’t let me stay down for long. After being burned a few times, I gave myself permission to exclude destructive people. Ever since, I have become free of negative manipulators and place no value on those that negatively judge me based on their own personal insecurities. Life is full of normal chaos. Yet abnormal chaotic people are toxic and don’t grasp friendship rules. Insecure people can’t figure out that success is earned and will intentionally manipulate you until you bleed. Before I choose to go further with a new friendship, I observe the person’s history and do a lot of research to make sure they are intact. If I try to befriend someone, my rule is to make two attempts for reciprocation. If they don’t reciprocate, I move on with peace in my heart. Now that my children are in
middle school, I have a war chest of mistakes to share to teach my children the importance of surrounding themselves with healthy people. I tell my children that face value means nothing and being negative popular is not cool because it is the “glorified popular crowd” that always has life backwards. Telling my children about the reality of human nature has given them relief and permission to be themselves. My children attract a healthy group of children to befriend. Knowing what they already know at such a young age has already set the stage for success within adulthood. My daughter asked, “What are the rules for friendship?” I said, “There are so many, but the few I hold dear are: Have the courage to communicate. Proceed with caution. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Patience and compassion are the glue for a healthy friendship. These rules will keep you from making unnecessary mistakes.” Chaos creeps into all our lives but it should not be the norm. Toxic people creep into our lives from time to time, but you can avoid them by being careful about whom you associate with. If you have a high regard for your reputation, keep this warning in mind. If you knowingly observe anyone in your personal circle behaving poorly toward anyone immediately cut ties. Why? It will only be a matter of time before they have the need to behave poorly toward you. Screwing over people to reach goals is a “professional networker” and social climber’s desire to be deemed the most powerful or popular. Besides, everyone worth value knows that “birds of a feather flock together”. Go to our website (www. citigalmagazine.com) for amazing networking opportunities and updates! Enjoy this summer and make healthy choices for friends. — CitiGal Melanie
Our mission is to advance access, equity and social justice through woman-focused philanthropy, grant making and advocacy.
Women & Public Policy Luncheon 2008 Presented by
Speaker: Author/Educator Gail Evans One of our nation’s foremost experts on helping women succeed in the workplace
Friday, November 21, 2008 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Midwest Airlines Center, Downtown Milwaukee A former White House staffer who helped create the Committee on Equal Employment Opportunity and the 1966 Civil Rights Act, Gail Evans went on to become one of the highestranking women employed by CNN. When she retired in 2001, she was its executive vice president responsible for program and talent development at all CNN’s domestic networks, overseeing national and international talk shows and the Network Guest Bookings Department. Her first book Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman was listed for several months on the New York Times, Business Week, and Wall Street Journal bestseller lists. Evans’ status has been enhanced by her newest book, She Wins, You Win, as well as her weekly radio segment It’s Not Just A Man’s World, which is syndicated to 1,900 CNN Radio affiliates across the United States.
Corporate tables: $1,250 / Individuals: $125 Reservations or questions: Please call (414) 290-7350 or visit www.womensfund.com.
2008 Media Partners 9
Feedback Gals & Guys
Letters from the Community
Dear Single Gal in the City:
Dear CitiGal:
With all the talk about the Law of Attraction and the ability to attract certain things into our lives I found that your article hit home hard. I find that I often put out a negative energy once I get into relationships and therefore I find that I am constantly attracting negative people. In the back of my mind I believe that I have always known this to be true so I thank you for helping me by putting this in the fore front of my thoughts. Thanks, Amy from Shorewood
Thanks for continuing to put out a great magazine. Although I would not consider myself a big networking kind of person I decided to attend one of your Speed Networking Events. I really enjoyed the experience. The speed networking portion of the event was really beneficial. I am not always comfortable with meeting people in some of the more traditional types of networking events, and I found that the speed networking portion really put me at ease and allowed me to make more contacts than I would have expected! Please let me know about the next event! Jan
CitiGal: Please let Heritage Gal know that I appreciate her insight. I look forward to reading her article each time you release a new issue. I feel that a lot of our citizens have no idea what it took for our fore fathers and mothers to gain the freedom that we all enjoy today. It will take many more articles from Heritage Gal to get the ball rolling back in the right direction. Thanks for all of your hard work. Debbie from Bayview
IT’S @ CitiGal Monthly issues appearing exclusively on our website starting in July. This will be in addition to the quarterly print version that is so poplular. Visit www.citigalmagazine.com.
Advertise on the Web Discover the benefits of advertising in Milwaukee’s only community-based, informative magazine for women. Get involved. Help support the publication and get the word out about what you do! Contact us for more information 414-446-5263 • citigal@wi.rr.com 10
Dear CitiGal: I have always thought of myself as well informed about women’s issues, but I had no idea that March is know as National Women’s History Month. I am so grateful that those of you who work with CitiGal are helping to educate us about these types of issues. Please keep up the good work…your community will benefit from yours efforts. Julie from Mequon
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Uncle Tom Guy
By Steven Reynolds “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” - Martin Luther King Jr.
Why I’m a Proud
Steven Reynolds started the road less traveled by turning his life over to Christ in 1988. He recently created his own political blog, www.prouduncletom.com, to voice his opinions as a young black conservative. As a lifelong Milwaukee resident, Steven realizes this may not be popular, but welcomes your feedback.
UNCLE TOM
This column is devoted to all Uncle Toms, past, present, and future.
A
Proud Uncle Tom. Why on earth would you call yourself that, you ask? Simple. In the book, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Tom is a strong black man of faith who allows himself to be sold, beaten and killed to protect his family and friends. The part some blacks missed, however, is that Uncle Tom was kind and faithful to his masters and did not inwardly resent them as one might assume he would. Tom had an elasticity of spirit that allowed him to endure through many raw deals. He didn’t make a habit of running away from his problems; he faced them like a man, and let the good Lord take care of the rest. His courage, dignity and perseverance should be admired, not viewed as a weakness. Nowadays, being an Uncle Tom is an insult?! I know the definition has been twisted a good bit, but com’on. Now our Uncle Tom’s are mostly people that young black men and women would do well to emulate. Colin Powell (though he may have gotten his “black card” back by bashing his former boss), Condeleeza Rice, Clarence Thomas, Karl Malone and Walter E. Williams are just a few of our modern-day Uncle Toms. For the record, that’s two secretaries of state, a Supreme Court justice, an NBA legend and a college economics professor. Not a bad group of people to be associated with! Yet, all have been Continued next page belittled for answering mas’rs bell. 11
Uncle Tom Guy
from page 11
What is the common thread among these four people? Apart from their personal achievements, they have one thing in common. They have all, at one time or another, been identified as Republicans, or worse yet, conservatives. The notion of a black non-Democrat is so threatening to some people that even a whisper of intellectual independence is met with an indefinite revocation of your “black card”. The “black card” is to famous blacks
what the “get of jail free card” is to Monopoly. Only someone truly brave would relinquish their “black card”, seeing as, in the right circumstances, you can get away with murder. Isn’t that right, O.J? Other uses for the card include selling records while fighting child porn charges (R. Kelly), fighting extortion charges (Ald. Mike McGee), and cheating on your wife/girlfriend (unless your name is Kobe Bryant). The “black card”… protecting poor behavior
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(by black Democrats only) for over 30 years! Yet the four Tom’s I listed have lived moral and successful lives, for the most part. So, that leaves us blacks with a choice: Do we take our “black cards” and continue our unabated self-destructive pattern? Or, do we join the Toms and work our way out of moral and financial poverty? Personally, you can take my “black card” now, I don’t want it. b
Show”, or on “Dr. Phil” as the legal expert. She has served as guest host/anchor and legal analyst for MSNBC and Court TV, and is a regular on-air commentator for CNN, Headline News, Fox News Channel, and CNBC.
M
ake sure to pick up CitiGal’s Fall edition to catch an in depth interview with multi-talented lawyer, television host, and entertainer Lauren Lake. You may remember Lauren as the in-your face relationship expert and life coach on the “The Ricki Lake
Lauren is currently the host and designer of HGTV’s “Spice Up My Kitchen” where she adds some much-needed flavor to some very bland kitchens. Lauren co-owns L Style Design Studio in Fort Lee, New Jersey and enjoys unleashing her creative spirit by helping clients turn their ordinary homes into houses of style. Look to CitiGal to bring you more articles about amazing women like Lauren Lake!
Art & Soul Gal Women In Arts By Chelsea Stack Featurette - Part 1 of 3
Chelsea is a junior at UW-Whitewater majoring in Print-Journalism with a minor in Health and Family Studies. Besides Citigal, she blogs for OakCreekNow and is part of the selection committee for The Muse, UWW’s oncampus literary arts magazine. She also has two part-time jobs as a Receptionist at Boucher Volkswagon and as a Group Fitness Instructor on campus.
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. - Scott Adams
She attended Marquette University College of Engineering and received her Bachelors of Science in electrical engineering. After working in the field, she chose to focus on her music when she started a family. She has been married to Sheldon Rusch for 16 years, and they have three children, two girls ages 14 and 10 and a 6-year-old boy. Rusch’s music is inspired by her interest in other cultures and travels to Spain, India, Europe, Central America, Brazil, Belize and Mexico. She took drum classes with Ko Thi Dance Company, practiced Yang at the Tai Chi Chuan Center of Milwaukee, joined Ibrahim Camara’s Cambridge drumming circle and was introduced to djembe drum. “I used to drive six hours to get records from music stores in Montreal, because it was the only place that I could find world music,” Rusch said. Rusch has also self-published a group of poems in the book New World Mammal. Her future goals consist of taking care of her family while finding time for her art. “Honor your creativity and keep working on your visions,” Rusch said. “There will be so many obstacles and distractions, but you can’t give up; you must overcome your doubts.”
KT Rusch has everything but the Mali Blues “I listen to the sounds in nature,”
said KT Rusch. “The rhythms and melodies of the wind, rain and birds are my inspiration.” KT Rusch, a Milwaukee musician, combines African, reggae and percussive music styles with the kamelon ngoni (West African harp) and electric bass. She is the founder of Universal Love Band, with a new CD entitled Rising Sun on Motherland Recordings. She also plays with Mali Blues, partnering up with a Malian friend and Ko-Thi Dance Company classmate, Tani Diakite, who plays the kamelon ngoni. Rusch is also involved with Express Yourself Milwaukee, a non-profit arts organization serving youth in the Milwaukee County Juvenile Corrections System and other sites. “I work to create opportunities for fostering positive expression through music,” Rusch said.
http://www.ktruschmusic.net 13
By Melanie Beres
Cover Story
Michelle Bersell:
Leading a Life of Balance
L
ife coach and new author Michelle Bersell seems to have a comfort and balance about her. After sitting down to talk with Bersell about her new book, Emotional Abundance, I realized that she had described her life as the life of perfect balance. Bersell, wife and mother of 3, was the first in her family to pursue higher education. After obtaining a degree in finance from the University of Arizona and spending a year working in the banking industry, Michelle realized that her interest was in psychology and counseling. She enrolled at DePaul University where she earned a master’s degree in education and in psychology. Bersell’s pursuit led her to a teaching job at an inner city high school on the south side of Chicago. After four years of teaching/counseling high school students, Bersell felt that she still had not found her calling, so she enrolled in a doctorate program at the Illinois School of Professional Psychology. She left the school with a master’s degree in clinical psychology, but she knew that she wanted to approach things differently. 14
The Life Coach: Bersell starting taking classes in alternative approaches to psychology and met her life coach teacher, Faith Namaste, who taught her how to incorporate spirituality into her own practice as a life coach. Yet, Bersell still felt that something was missing. While continuing to practice as a life coach, Bersell felt that she would find what she was looking for by spending more time nurturing her self and her children. She spent time with her children and hired babysitters to get the time to paint, journal, and just take walks. This lead Bersell to a place of peace and balance which she believes allowed her creativity to flourish. Through this process, Bersell learned that she needed to write. She found herself waking up at 4:30 in the morning when her inner voice told her to get onto the computer and start writing. Bersell had been writing day after day for months, with the thought that she was simply journaling to release her negative feelings, when
she realized that she had written enough to publish a book. She found the process miraculous with a number of her visions coming together to complete her book.
“We are insane to fight against what we are feeling, and that we should work with our emotions.” The Book, Emotional Abundance: Bersell has found in her training that most people see emotions as either bad or good, and that most counseling is an attempt to move from the bad to the good. She feels that we are insane to fight against what we are feeling, and that we should work with our emotions. She says that there is nothing wrong with the way we feel, we simply need to understand why we feel the way we do. Bersell’s new book, Emotional Abundance, is written as a process for one to discover their feelings and address unconscious blocks so that as you evolve emotionally.
Michelle would like to invite everyone to: E Relational Empowerment: The Do’s and Don’ts for Women in Relationships E Free event, July 13 and theWomen’s Wellness Weekend at Sundara Inn and Spa, Wisconsin Dells E Please check her website for more information about these events.
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Through her writing about peace, she brought balance into her own life. She moved herself along the spectrum from anxiety to peace. Although Bersell states that she is not always in that perfect place of peace, she always returns to a state of balance in her life. To anyone who gets the opportunity to meet Bersell, it is obvious that she has found that place of comfort and balance that most of us strive to find. You can purchase Michelle’s book on her website www.michellebersell. com or www.emotionalabundance. com. Her book is packaged and shipped through KANDU Industries which is a non-profit company that teaches employment and life skills to people with disabilities. 15
Muralist Homes & Small Businesses
Freelance Graphic Design Derek Jacobs 414-489-9072 dmjammin@tds.net
PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE Advertise in CitiGal!
Discover the benefits of advertising in Milwaukee’s only community-based, informative magazine for women. Get involved. Help support the publication and get the word out about what you do! Time to get the magnifying glass on your business!
Advertise in print, in web or both! Contact us for more information 414-446-5263 citigal@wi.rr.com 16
My name is Tina Lathon, I am a small business that ran an ad in CitiGal magazine. The response I received was Amazing! Scott Peterson was extremely helpful and their graphic artist was talented- I gave him my information and he did the rest. Thanks CitiGal for all of your help! Citigal has worked very well for Dollar Delight with incredible returns on the coupons! Over thirty customers returned to the store to shop again using our Citigal coupon from our first ad. We look forward to advertising again in the next Citigal issue! Ty Bergeron, Co-owner I only advertise in Citigal Magazine! Citigal is the only magazine in S.E. Wisconsin that reaches such a diverse market and I am happy to have that exposure. Michelle Bersell Michelle Bersell, M.A., M.Ed.
BUSINESS & FRIENDSHIP On Assignment Gal pg 18 Sandra Wood: Lifting spirits, changing lives. By Rosie Ricks
Trailblazer Gal Friendships: the key to success. By Patricia Clason
Econ Gal The opportunity cost. By Rebecca Neumann, Ph.D.
Special Feature: Two Women making the best of both worlds. By Jodie Niles
pg 20
pg 22
pg 24
Please feel free to contact CitiGal for connections, advice, or referrals. We are always happy to help get you to where you need to go!
A
lthough there are plenty of coed business networking groups that are great, women must choose a women’s business networking organization to invest within and make their home base for personal and career success. After 20 years of networking, I have found three women’s organizations to be welcoming and productive. Time is valuable to us all. You want to join any networking organization where mentors are easily found and peer mentoring is the rule, not the exception. The success of any networking group is the devotion and understanding that members invest in the group in order to progress. I have listed women’s business networking groups, charity groups, and social networking groups. Don’t forget to devote some time to charities that help advance women in the community. I have listed great organizations that either directly or indirectly help create equality for women. Social networking is a must and it is also fun. I have listed two of the best social networking groups Milwaukee has to offer.
Women’s Business Networking Organizations Association for Women in Communication (http://www.awcmilwaukee.org/) Business and Professional Women (www.bpwusa.org) Professional Dimensions (http://www. professionaldimensions.org/) Charity Networking Organizations The Women’s Fund of Greater Milwaukee (http://www.womensfund.com/) Women’s Club of Wisconsin (http://www.wc-wi.org/) Young Nonprofit Professionals of Greater Milwaukee (http://ynpn.blogspot.com/) Cream City Foundation (http://www. creamcityfoundation.org/) Social Networking Lisa’s List (www.lisaslist.org) Your Tribe (http://www.yourtribe.com/) 17
BUSINESS & FRIENDSHIPS
On Assignment Gal
By Rosie Ricks Rosy Ricks is a hard-workin’ mama who comes from a long line of fierce do-gooders. Currently on leave from Alverno, she is finishing a term of Americorps Public Allies. She and her little boy Samadhi live in Riverwest.
Lifting Spirits, Changing Lives Pap Smear. Boot Camp. Afro.
These aren’t typically words you might link to the owner of a beauty treatment spa. From tomboy to the armed services to women’s health and dermatology, Sandra Woods’s journey has been an interesting one.
Sandra Woods
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Be yourself. above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish. -John Jakes
Walking into an unassuming building complex at 124th and Capitol, you meet a cinnamon-hued woman with a glorious mane of unruly tresses. “They’re extensions,” she later confides. This is Sandra Woods, owner of Smooth Skin Rejuvenation Center. The mission behind Smooth Skin is to educate people on beauty options often considered taboo. It is what is referred to as a medical spa, offering cosmetic procedures without the uptight hospital feel. Walking through the glass doors is akin to walking into a Buddhist temple; aestheticians and skincare professionals offer nirvana by developing clients’ self-confidence, giving them the chance to find happiness in the skin they’re in. After a brief tour of the facilities, Woods and I sit to talk over steamy mugs of coffee in the “Pamper Party Room”. This space is available to clients to relax and talk about skin care. Here, I confess the extent of my knowledge on cosmetic procedures is limited to an episode of Sex in the City in which Samantha gets a chemical peel. For anyone who didn’t see the episode, it goes horribly wrong… Confessing my fears drew Woods into her area of expertise. She told me about her first major act of beauty rebellion: In high school, she chopped off the signature long braids her mother used to have her wear, and laid them on her dresser and began wearing an afro. As a young woman, she’d favored outdoor camping trips to beauty rituals. That rebel spirit landed her a spot in the air force after high school. Initially, she wanted to work with animals, but didn’t score high enough on the aptitude test. She was, however, qualified to
BUSINESS & FRIENDSHIPS
be a respiratory therapist. “I can’t work with dogs,” she joked, “but I can work with people.” After the military, Woods got a degree from UW-Madison. From there, she moved to Detroit, started a family, and began working as a physician’s assistant. Things changed when her husband accepted a position at Harley-Davidson. The family relocated, but rather than lose her steady client base, Woods split her time between Detroit (Monday-Wednesday) and Milwaukee. After 2 years, Woods started her business in Milwaukee with the help of friends and family. Most folks believe the treatments offered at medical spas are only available to fair-skinned, wealthy people. Woods is out to set the record straight. Woods and her team offer services to everyday people at reasonable rates, with merchandise and treatments from $18 and up. As far as the quality of proce-
other procedures. Often, co-workers are the guinea pigs, trying out new lasers and peels. She said of the treatments, “We’re not perfect here. Sometimes people get put off; they say ‘Well, I thought I’d see somebody with perfect skin.’ That’s not what this is about. It’s really about improving what we have, and slowing down what we don’t want…It’s about taking care of ourselves.” Woods also has an interest in taking care of others who might need a little extra confidence. She has done pro-bono work for people with special needs, and is looking forward to working with survivors of domestic abuse. Woods hopes to help get people back out into the world. “We’re doing cosmetics, but we can change lives.” dures, rest assured. Smooth Skin is a center of excellence where aestheticians come to be trained in state-ofthe-art treatments like micro-dermabrasion, laser hair removal, and
Smooth Skin Rejuvenation Center 262-783-7070 12455 W. Capitol Drive, Brookfield www.smoothskinrc.com
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if you want to fill your pockets with some extra money by using your creative energy. CitiGal is looking for serious yet creative individuals to sell advertising. Enjoy a flexible schedule and the ability to make some extra money. Interested individuals can email resume to citigal@wi.rr.com
Devoted to Educating, Uniting and Empowering our Community
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BUSINESS & FRIENDSHIPS
Econ Gal
By Rebecca Neumann, Ph.D.
Rebecca is an Associate Professor in the Dept. of Economics at UW – Milwaukee, where she teaches macroeconomics and international finance. She encourages her students to think like economists and apply economic thinking to their daily lives. She is passionate about helping others find new ways to think about their interactions with the world around them.
“The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” -Walter Bagehot
T
he scenario: It’s early summer. You’re out shopping for yet another wedding. And you spot an excellent pair of shoes on sale for $60. You’re ecstatic and think to yourself, “That’s not bad, that’s only $60 for a really great pair of shoes.” But wait! The cost of the shoes is not what you pay for them. The cost is what you have to give up to get them. You start to ponder all of the other things you could do with that $60—perhaps dinner out with your sweetie, movie night with your kids, a tank of gas for your car, or groceries for the next few days. If you choose to buy the shoes, their true cost to you is the value of the next highest alternative, the one thing you give up. Economists label this cost the opportunity cost. As consumers, we typically talk about the price of a product to indicate its value. But the opportunity cost goes beyond the price to look at the alternatives you face when making a decision. We’re used to measuring this cost in dollars, but opportunity cost goes beyond the money spent. In fact, when shopping for the shoes, you’re already incurring a cost by giving up the alterna20
tive uses of your time. Reading this article entails an opportunity cost for you: you could, instead, be watching television, playing with your kids, or washing the dishes. Opportunity cost is different for each individual and is the value of the next best choice from each individual’s perspective. Whenever we undertake an activity or make a purchase, we are implicitly valuing that option above our other choices. This column will introduce the basic concepts This column is devoted to: discussing how the basic concepts of economics describe the choices we make and how those choices impact our lives. b
BUSINESS & FRIENDSHIPS
of economics, such as opportunity cost, to examine the choices that individuals and societies make. Opportunity cost applies not only at the individual level but also at an aggregate level, such as for the nation as a whole. For example, when we as a nation choose how to allocate government expenditures, the cost is not only monetary in terms of the taxes that we pay but also includes an opportunity cost based on what we give up. Allocating more funds to environmental cleanup may entail less spending on education. Just like buying a great pair of shoes, we may make that choice. The point is to consider fully the opportunity cost in making that choice, at either the individual or national level. In the next couple of months, many individuals will receive an economic stimulus payment from the federal
government. The government wants us to spend those checks to help spur on the economy. As individuals, however, this is a perfect time to think about the choices we face for these funds. What are the various choices you have right now? Perhaps you could pay off some credit card bills, make some home improvements, buy something nice for yourself, or even save the funds for a rainy day. It seems like free money from the government, but remember that there is a cost involved. Whatever choice you make, you give up the next best alternative. Up next: Exploring the wage gap between men and women: Do women really earn $0.68 for each dollar that men earn?
Art & Soul Gal
By Chelsea Stack
Women In Arts Featurette - Part 2 of 3
Lisa Dewey Lives The Lotus Life
“I
’m glad that I can follow my heart by doing something that I love,” said Lisa Dewey. “And make money at the same time.” Dewey started the indie label Kitchen Whore Records in 1997, has released four albums, and written a book. She was also voted sexiest artist in Silicon Valley in February 2002. Dewey was raised with a strong music influence in her family. “When I was 7-years-old, I got my first 45 record, Blondie ‘Rapture’.” She was in choir by first grade, took guitar and piano lessons at age 14 and started writing lyrics and music at age 15. After achieving a Bachelors of Art in Music-Voice at San Jose State University School of Music and Dance, Dewey was on her way. She studied opera, classical,
jazz, improvisational, orchestration, electro acoustics, recording and West African drumming, as well as played guitar and hand drums. But, she really wanted to be a vocalist. Dewey’s first paid gig was in 1990 on Sunday afternoons at Alexander’s Café in San Jose. It wasn’t until 1990 at Marsugi’s that she performed for more than 100 people. “I was blown away and I thought, ‘This is fun, I’ll do this some more!’” Dewey said. Her band, The Lotus Life, features John Testani on drums, Paul Zimmerman on bass and Keith St. Thomas on lead guitar. “Persistence pays off, work hard and follow your heart,” Dewey advised. “Every time I put a record out, things get better.” http://www.lisadewey.com/ lisa@lisadewey.com http://www.kitchenwhore.com/ 21
BUSINESS & FRIENDSHIPS
Trailblazer Gal
Women in Business By Patricia Clason
Friendships: The Key to Success
Patricia Clason’s passion is guiding others to success through her work as a business coach, professional speaker, trainer, author, and entrepreneur since 1972, with a focus on emotional intelligence, ethics, and leadership. Her most recent book is Speaking of Success, co-authored with Jack Canfield, Stephen Covey and Ken Blanchard.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship. John D. Rockefeller Jr.
Hello!
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I’m Patricia Clason, your new Executive Gal and a perfect example of the theme of this issue—the care and keeping of friends. Having my own businesses for more than thirty years has taught me just how important it is to go beyond networking to creating and nurturing friendships. To a large degree, networking has become a “What can I get?” event or process for many people. I have found my greatest successes have been a result of going into networking and relationship building with a “What can I give?” mentality. Supporting others success is a sure way to developing long-lasting
business friendships with people who want to help you because they appreciate your support. I’ve asked women I admire to share their thoughts about the care and keeping of friends in business. Here are their words of wisdom...Use your friends wisely, treat them well. “My network of business colleagues is not just business contacts; these are my friends, my support network, and my sounding board. I utilized their counsel and advice when I made career moves including starting my own company, and they ask when they need honest and helpful feedback. They have
BUSINESS & FRIENDSHIPS
my best interest at heart and are as important to me as family. ” Jan Allen, Director, Business, Engineering & Technology, School of Continuing Education, UWM Show appreciation and reciprocity. “My friends have helped me in many ways, such as lending an ear to listen to me, referring clients, and being there for me. In return, I have been there for them. My advice is to appreciate people for who they are, don’t gossip, and be honest. Take care of your friends by defending, supporting, and helping them.” Pa Britney Xiong, President, Western Bilingual Give more than you expect to get. “My philosophy is that if someone is doing business with us, then we want to do business with them. So for us, we give back to friends whenever we can. Be sure to give more than you can expect to get. I once heard someone say that if you want a marriage to work, each partner must give 75 percent. The same should apply in friendship and business. If you both feel that you’re giving 75 percent, you’ll definitely meet in the middle. And when that happens, everyone wins!” Carol Ann Schneider, CPC, SPHR, Chief Executive Officer, SEEK Careers/ Staffing, Inc.
Participate in the friendship and BE ETHICAL! “I have observed 2 major killers of friendship: one is failure to take the time to nurture the friendship so that it becomes only a business connection, the other is a discovery of a divergence in ethics. Stay aware and stay in integrity—or you will lose the business and the friendship!” June Schroeder, President, Liberty Financial Group, Inc.
“My advice is to appreciate people for who they are, don’t gossip, and be honest.”
– Pa Britney Xiong
Share your challenges and successes and be willing to receive both support and celebration! “I am a successful HR professional today due to the strong friend-
This column is devoted to: the many wise women who were my mentors and role models. My intention is to “pay it forward” in gratitude, by lighting the way for others’ success. ships that I developed in my career. When I had to balance handling a difficult project on the job, going to college to complete my degree, and dealing with life situations at home, it was the business luncheons where I was able to share openly with my business friends and receive direct coaching from them that gave me the stamina to make it through the difficulties. I received honest feedback and positive words of encouragement that helped to keep me going. I honored their trust in me and kept confidences about the difficulties and celebrated the accomplishments.” Dorothy Valentine, Human Resource Generalist, Harley-Davidson Motor Company b
The message is clear from the classics to now. Think and Grow Rich (Napoleon Hill and Andrew Carnegie, 1937), How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie, 1936), Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time (Keith Ferrazzi, 2005), and Masters of Networking: Building Relationships for your Pocketbook and Soul (Ivan Misner, 2000) all make the same point. Giving and creating solid relationships are the way to build lasting success! 23
BUSINESS & FRIENDSHIPS
Special Feature
By Jodie Niles
Jodie Niles is Single CitiGal native to Milwaukee, with a BA from Marquette University in Writing-Intensive English, minoring in Communications and Psychology. She has a background in Marketing/PR as well as freelancing for local magazines. She is currently attending the School of Spiritual Psychology and pursuing a career as a life coach and motivational speaker.
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams...live the life you’ve imagined!” – Henry David Thoreau
I
t’s no secret that women tend to compare themselves to one another. In fact, many of us feel compelled to “one-up” each other, believing that this is the only way we will succeed. Ironically, this thinking prevents us from achieving the very things we desire. Along the way, we miss out on valuable opportunities, overlook resources and limit our friendships.
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WORKING TWO-GETHER Two Women Show How to Have the Best of Both Worlds
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Whether it’s business or pleasure, “hostility and power struggles just won’t get the job done,” says Jeanette Pham. “Surround yourself with people who are better than you at something,” says her business partner and friend Michelle D’Attilio. Jeanette and Michelle worked in a corporate setting for years, only to discover it just wasn’t right for them. They struck out on their own to create a successful graphic design business just by following their hearts and being themselves. “Instead of looking at others as a competition, I looked at what I could learn from them,” says D’Attilio. She and her partner value each other’s differences and view them as complementary; it truly keeps their business fresh and creative. “The relationship that Michelle and I have gives off a harmonious vibe that people pick up on, and that draws in more positive results for everyone involved,” says Pham. People know that they are seeing authentic women in action, and they share that with their closest friends and family. This creates a beautiful network of women who “pay it forward”. As Pham notes, “If you don’t open up to what others have to offer, you can become easily isolated.” Pham and D’Attilio are an inspiration for women, reminding us that as we keep our minds and our hearts open, we can achieve all the success we want in life, and more. Corporate Identity Solutions PO Box 26392 • Wauwatosa, WI 53226 www.identify-yourself.com • 414.479.7191
BUSINESS & POLITICS
Special Friendship/Relationship Section LIFESTYLE FEATURES Mentality Gal pg 26 Women and friendship. By Michelle Bersell, M.A., M.Ed. Perfect Balance Gal Defining life balance. Lora Hyler
pg 28
Guru Gal pg 30 Health benefits of friendships. By Jennette Cable, N.D. Go Forward Gal Single mom entrepreneurs. By Sandy Krause
pg 32
Concierge Gal Nurturing your friendship. By Amy Foster, MBA
pg 34
Wisdom Gal Keys to lasting friendships. By Malja Strelnieks
pg 36
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Lifstyle
Mentality Gal
Education in Religion/Spirituality, Relationships and Psychology By Michelle Bersell, M.A., M.Ed. “When we authentically live, we authentically give and that is living life fully!” Michelle Bersell is a professional life coach and married mother of three children. As a professional life coach, Michelle assists individuals to live authentically in order to create their ideal life. She also is a speaker who inspires and motivates people to address blocks that inhibit people from living life to the fullest. Michelle holds a Masters in Clinical Psychology as well as a Masters in Education.
Women and Friendship
“Girls cannot be trusted”
was the message I received over and over from my mom once I hit adolescence. She saw me struggling to understand how I could be invited over to a sleepover with girls one weekend, and by the next weekend the same girls were mad at me. Up until adolescence, I got along with both girls and guys very well but felt closer to my female companions. Adolescence changed my view of female friendships, and that lasted throughout my twenties. Nothing dramatic happened to me, it was just experience after experience in which I felt betrayed and hurt by girls. By the time I was in high school, I concluded that I got along better with guys. Even though the majority of my time was spent with girl friends, on a deep emotional level, I no longer trusted them. 26
Today, I cannot imagine life without women friends. Although my husband is an incredible person and friend, my female friendships fulfill me in a way that my husband could never do. Female friendships allow deep emotional comfort and understanding regarding issues that have less meaning to my husband. With my women friends, we also share a different sense of humor and silliness. Simply stated, they touch my feminine spirit in a way that allows me to be more womanly and true to myself in the world! What caused this change in my relationships with women? Me. I had to take the time to sort through my own insecurities and masks that I had put up, and I had to recognize how they were not working for me. Sure, I could mask my insecurities, but that is just coping, and living by coping is not a fun way to live. By coping, I had
Lifstyle This Column is Devoted to: We all set out to live our best life yet we unconsciously limit ourselves from expressing ourselves fully. When we live authentically, we are given the direction we need to live our ideal life. As your mentality gal, I hope to offer deeper insight to the aspects of life that most challenge us. Through gaining a perspective that serves rather than limits us, we feel empowered to create the life we desire to live.
When we like ourselves enough we will not allow toxic friends to invade our lives. lost who I really was, as I tried to please and manipulate myself into being someone who would be more likeable. Thus, in order for me to like me and know myself again, I had to put down the masks. Putting down my masks meant I also had to learn to be okay with the fact that not everyone was going to like the real me. I had to confront my fear that being myself may mean that I could be completely alone. By putting down my own masks, I finally learned to like my true self. Learning how to like myself meant becoming less judgmental toward myself. This taught me not only compassion for myself but also toward others. Eliminating judgment from my life meant I could no longer tolerate others’ criticalness either. I also naturally began to drift away from friends who were filled with drama. The drama was too toxic. As I freed myself from the toxic people, there was more room for those people who were a good fit
Michelle Bersell Life Coaching the source the media The turns to for advice on your well-being. Michelle's advice has been featured on national cable and radio programs, in Woman's World Magazine, and regular appearances on Fox 6 Milwaukee. Turn to the expert others rely on when it comes to changing your life!
Be a part of the movement to eradicate relational aggression in the home, school and workplace… Learn about Ophelia or become a volunteer. Visit www.opheliaproject.org.
Michelle Bersell, M.A., M.Ed. Author, Speaker Psychotherapist and Life Coach (414) 736-5428 www.michellebersell.com with my true self. The greater the freedom I felt in expressing myself, the more I found friends who were a great match for me. Today, my friends vary from me in race, religion, socio-economic class and age, but what is consistent is their sense of security in themselves that allows me to enjoy getting to know them and vice-versa. When we like ourselves enough we will not allow toxic friends to invade our lives. It may sound overthe-top to call it an invasion, but it is. Our energy states are directly impacted from so-called friends who only want to suck the life force out of us because they come from a place of lack. Even if these energy zappers are old friends, we can learn to create healthy boundaries. Knowing that you have the choice to determine who you will allow into your life and who you won’t is empowering and supports you to live life with greater ease and freedom. Above everything else – trust your intuition to guide
Signs of Toxic Friendships Signs of Healthy Friendships Judgmental Accepting of Differences Exclusionary Secure and Open Self-Involved Self-Aware Gossipy Honest you. The connections that we make from our hearts will withstand time regardless if there is temporary separation. Trust in your inner wisdom to guide you to women who bring out your best and vice versa. It is with these friends that you can celebrate the true essence of womanhood! b 27
Lifstyle
Perfect Balance Gal
Married Working Moms By Lora Hyler
“I do not weep at the world... I am too busy sharpening my oyster knife.” - Zora Neale Hurston
Lora L. Hyler holds a BA degree in Mass Communications - Radio & Television. She began her career at WUWM and WISN radio stations. She’s the owner of Hyler Communications LLC, a marketing & public relations firm in Mequon, WI. Her creative hours are spent screenwriting, writing novels and spending time with her husband, Ken and 12-year-old son, Will.
Life Balance: It’s a Matter of Definition
W
ithout a doubt, life throws you curve balls, and you deal with it. With any luck, you gain some wisdom and realize life is all about the journey and learning to discern what’s important and what’s not. Like many women business owners, my everyday challenge is keeping my life in balance. Juggling multiple projects for various clients, along with my responsibilities as wife, mother, family member and friend, while nurturing myself, are all invigorating. Hey, it’s all in the perspective! Absorb life lessons along the way I’m fortunate I had great role models in life, including two hard-working parents who stressed education, a strong spiritual foundation and serving others. An avid reader since childhood, I’ve read such varied authors as Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, and Khalil Gibran. And, I can’t leave out the Bible. I’ve learned from them all.
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All this shaped who I am today and factor into how I achieve balance in life. We know all too well the stressors of life. It’s possible to eliminate stressors by making sure that our actions line up with our beliefs. If I profess that my child is No. 1 in my life, my thought process changes to, ‘What time tonight can I devote to the article?’ vs. ‘Should I leave work early to attend my son’s baseball game?’ ‘Support Will’ is a regular line item in my daily planner. Someone once said, “There’s nothing you can do in life to make up for failing to raise your child properly.” Food for thought. Key to my success: Redefining Success Oprah talks about, ‘What I know for sure’. I know for sure that success is not working as hard as I can before I die, from sunup to sundown, to amass the larg-
Lifstyle This column is devoted to: Sharing techniques and life lessons in an attempt to achieve balance in life. Women who make a balanced life a priority find that they achieve more inner peace, thus enabling them to reach their goals and positively contribute to their communities.
est possible financial windfall. I’ve redefined success to mean partnering with my husband to make sure that supporting our son and his education are paramount, working hard to provide the best possible service to my clients, using my creative juices to achieve stunning results, and taking time to spend with supportive and loving family and friends. Currently, I’m thrilled to be helping a local client market a consumer electronic product nationwide—by going outside prescribed lines and talking my way onto a pitch panel at an international trade show. It’s landed my client a spot on QVC. And it looks like I’ll make my debut as television spokesperson! (Follow this journey at my website: www.hylercommunications.com). You know you’re living a fulfilled life when work and play become intertwined. Develop and lean on your support system I’m very fortunate to have a husband of 16 years, who’s professionally successful and revels in the joys of fatherhood and defines spare time as time to be devoted to family life. I told my husband before we married that he was not just marrying me, but all my “sister friends”. This rainbow of girlfriends provides sustenance that I can’t get anywhere else. Learn to develop a support group you can count on. Know the value of pure leisure Whether it’s retiring to a corner of my backyard to sit in the sun with a good book, or enjoying a magazine and a favorite CD while taking a bubble bath, booking a weekend trip to a warm climate, or organizing a “Girls Only” spa getaway, count me in. I also appreciate getting away to UW-Madison for mini courses. We all deserve time to learn and refresh, and to bolster ourselves with fresh strategies to pursue dreams. Look for the joy wherever you are Start with humor. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh at yourself. Find joy in bringing joy. If I had to pick a motto that sums up my life as I enjoy my 40s, I’d have to say “Be fearless”. This hardearned value stems from a willingness to do the hard work, continual research and learning, having faith in one’s own abilities, and respecting the value of others. The sky’s the limit. I look forward to sharing my thoughts about living a balanced life in this column. b 29
Lifstyle
Guru Gal Advice about Alternative Medicine and Healthcare By Dr. Jennette Cable
Jennette is a board certified traditional Naturopath with licenses in Music and Special Needs education, and currently training in Classical Homeopathy at the School of Homeopathy New York. Jennette owns/ manages “Creative Care Center” and “J.S. Cable Music Instruction”
The Health Benefits of Friendship
A healthy “I” contributes to a healthy “socIety.”
The health benefits of friendship are numerous. Mounting clinical evidence shows that those who enjoy genuine social networks enjoy the following benefits over and above the obvious blessing of relational intimacy: * Longer lifespan * Improved mental health * Stronger immune system * Lower blood pressure * Improved endocrine system functioning * Increased chances of surviving a life-threatening disease * Faster recovery from major surgery * Less likely to be in car accidents * More likely to navigate life changes successfully
“A growing body of research confirms that having compassionate friends is beneficial not only for your psychological and spiritual well-being but also for your physical health. To the familiar recommendations for a healthy lifestyle — eat a low-fat diet, exercise, don’t smoke — we should now add: have friends.”1 30
Conversely, research shows that the feelings of isolation and loneliness resulting from a lack of genuine friendship pose the same risk to your health as high blood pressure, obesity and smoking. The hormone believed to be responsible for friendship’s healthiness is oxytocin. According to researchers at Ohio State University,
Lifstyle This Column is Devoted to: Quality of life affects quality of health. Lifestyle choices therefore become health choices. Avoiding disease requires a focus on maintaining wellness, which depends on accurate information and quality education. As your Guru Gal I hope to provide topics for reflection that assist in moving us through positive lifestyle choices towards a state of holistic health and wellness, where healing comes from within. “When oxytocin levels are high, reactions to stress are dampened, and stress is less likely to do the kind of damage that can lead to chronic diseases such as heart disease and metabolic disorders. When oxytocin levels are high, humans and other social animals also have been shown to heal faster and better from wounds.”2 Although oxytocin is present in both males and females, women have a special relationship with this hormone, as it is the chemical responsible for producing the motherly love feeling that follows childbirth and accompanies breast feeding. In females specifically, oxytocin levels rise after childbirth and in times of stress. Furthermore, when oxytocin combines with estrogen, studies have shown that the desire to reach out to others increases. In modern society, the role of friendship has become more significant as the family network has weakened. Social support can include neighbors, church or club memberships, work colleagues, and support groups – as long as these relationships prove to be genuine and intimate. While this research is comforting for those who are fortunate to have a strong friendship network, it may provide additional stress for those who already feel lonely or isolated in Western society’s non-intimate lifestyle. Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore writes, “People tend to think of friendship
as something you fit in when all the important stuff is done... but friends are not a luxury; they’re an essential nutrient.”3 Here are some of Marla Paul’s ideas for those of you who may feel relationally challenged: o Host an “each-one-bring-one” party where you invite a few acquaintances and ask them to bring someone who you do not know o Sign up to do “something new” in order to meet someone who shares a similar interest o Google an old best friend... you may discover you make even better friends in present times! o Talk to strangers! References: 1. web.arizona.edu/~vas/459/friends. htm 2. www.seattletimes.nwsource.com/ html/health/2002335724_healthwomenfriends15.html 3. The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore, Marla Paul
Websites: www.fracturedfriendships.com www.behavioural-psychology. suite101.com www.yourtotalhealth.ivillage. com www.webmd.com Recommended Reading: The Fabric of Friendship: Celebrating the Joys, Mending the Tears in Women’s Relationships Joy Carol Midlife Mamas on the Moon: Celebrate Great Health, Friendships, Sex, and Money and Launch Your Second Life Sunny Hersh The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules for Making Meaningful Connections - Sally Horchow The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making and keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore - Marla Paul
Your home may be TOXIC to you An environment that is a source of constant stresses and challenges: * Too much to do, not enough time * Poor nutrition that leads to obesity and health problems * Lack of quality sleep * Lack of exercise These problems, along with toxins and allergens that regularly build up, can exist in our homes!
Transform your home into a Nikken Wellness Home. Support good health and well-being. It’s Easy. The world leader in wellness
Renee Murphy Independent Wellness Consultant 414-350-0099 www.nikken.com/reneemurphy wellness_home@ameritech.net 31
Lifstyle
Go Forward Gal
Single Working Mothers By Sandy Krause
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Single Mom Entrepreneurs Lead by Example
We’re not here to see through each other, We’re here to see each other through. - Author Unknown
Sandy is a divorced mother of two special needs kids. She is the owner of a public relations/marketing firm, Positive Proclamations, which helps smaller organizations capitalize on their unique qualities in the marketplace. Sandy also turned an enjoyable craft into a business making high quality handmade jewelry. Sandy is inspired to create social change for the benefit of our next generation.
This column is devoted to: All who make a positive mark in our world, be it big or small.
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e face many challenges in life, some we choose to take on and others are trusted upon us. Motherhood is a daunting task, single motherhood more so. Most women don’t choose the role of single mother. For women in this role, life choices have to be weighed very carefully. Every decision affects your child(ren). How you spend your time, money and energy, how you plan your future, are all driven by your role as a single mom. What about those women who’ve always wanted to have their own business? Being an entrepreneur is a daunting challenge that many of us will never venture into. But, there are some very hard-working, single moms who have taken on their dreams of being a business owner. I have known Jennifer Halvorson since our kids starting going to school together. At one point I needed to find a new hairstylist. I knew Halvorson worked
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Jennifer Halvorson, owner of Jenerations Salon
at a salon, so I started going her. Halvorson is the type of stylist who delves into what really works for you as an individual and makes it happen with your hair. After 16 years of working for others, Halvorson finally had the chance to own her own salon. Jenerations, opened six months ago in Wauwatosa. “My daughter’s father is helpful and helps with child care when something comes up,” said Halvorson. “When I was pulling together the pieces for this business we had a family meeting to talk about what was needed from everyone to make it work for the business as well
Lifstyle as the family.” Halvorson has been divorced from her daughter’s father for four years yet there continues to be a team approach to parenting. Jacalyn McCoy has been a single mom for only a few months but has been in business for 5 years. She owns The Parlour Therapeutic Bodyworks in Wauwatosa. “My business is good for my daughter in the example it provides and the flexibility it give me as a mother,” said McCoy. “One of the coolest things is that my daughter was very involved in fixing up this location and helped often.” Both entrepreneurial moms find that the flexibility of owning their own business is helpful in meeting the needs of motherhood. It also teaches their daughters valuable lessons. Both daughters “see Mom succeed and take on challenges,” said McCoy. Halvorson adds, “She sees that I stepped out on a plank to pursue my goals and had the confidence to jump… and she’s seeing me succeed day by day.” Now that I’m making almost as much selling custom jewelry as marketing small businesses could we add a line to not confuse those who know that side of my business? Sorry, when I drafted the column jewelry was a hobby with a few sales, now I’ve got three retail locations with my product and am working on going on line. Possibly add a sentence just before the “In prior roles …”? b
Jacalyn McCoy, owner of The Parlour Therapeutic Bodyworks
Jennifer Halvorson Jenerations Family Hair Studio 8415 W. North Avenue Wauwatosa, WI 53213 414-475-1995 Jacalyn McCoy The Parlour Therapeutic Bodyworks 2306 N. 66th Street Wauwatosa, WI 53213 414-479-1790
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Lifstyle
Concierge Gal
Organizing Advice and Subjects By Amy Foster Amy is the Owner of Life Balance Concierge and holds a Masters degree in Business Administration from Cardinal Stritch University. She is married with two children and has a flair for working with people”.
sk the Concierge
A
“Peace of mind, one detail at a time”
Nurturing your friendship Sara writes: I have many good friends, kids, a husband and generally a busy life. Currently, my friends are being neglected, and I would hate to loose them. Please help me with my situation. Maybe you could give me some tips on activities that would keep my friends in the picture. Sara, nurturing our family, kids, and friends help us keep in touch with who we are. You need to maintain your identity as a wife, a mother and an individual. This helps maintain balance and in your everyday life. Many of us find ourselves in this same situation, too little of us to go around. Friends are so important and yet we neglect to appreciate them. So much time is spent nurturing our relationship with our husband, our kids, our kid’s relationships with their friends, taking care of our home, and working. Then one day, we really need a friend to talk to and feel a bit lost because after the neglect, we hesitate to contact those cherished friends. Think about all the work that goes into finding a good friend; it’s almost 34
like dating. First, we find people who we are compatible with, then, we commit the time to help the friendship grow and, finally, we decide if this is a person with whom we are willing to share our inner most secrets. Don’t get me wrong, meeting new people helps us grow and can be exciting, but there is no
Lifstyle This column will offer practical ideas and solutions while addressing how to solve your everyday issues, whether it is packing for a trip, selecting a contractor for repairs, organizing your space, managing your schedule, making reservations, planning a party and more. I will answer your questions. Please send questions to citigal@wi.rr.com. substitute for a time-tested friend. Even if a good friend has been neglected, getting together with them is like putting on that one pair of comfy jeans that you have not worn for a while.
First, we find people who we are compatible with, then, we commit the time to help the friendship grow and, finally, we decide if this is a person with whom we are willing to share our inner most secrets. One of my best tips is to make new plans each time you get together with friends or to have a regularly scheduled get-together to: make dinner, see a show, garden, take a walk, play tennis, go shopping, discuss a book, or just have a couple drinks. Keep in mind that the activity is less important than
the act of getting together. I have a great group of friends that I meet with the second Thursday of each month for a book club. I am really not a reader, but wanted to get together. A few friends and I have established a movie club. Then there is the friend I have had since college. We meet over lunch at least once a month. She also sends me small packages and cards. Don’t discount the power of a note in the mail. This is a powerful reminder of how important a friendship is. I have one good friend from high school. We tend to drift in and out of our relationship depending on how busy our lives are. We used to meet once a month for dinner and need to continue that to do that. I also have a plant exchange party during the summer and occasionally have a garden party, a game night, a martini party, or a wine tasting party. Could all of this planning take the fun out of our friendships? I don’t think so, but if planning is difficult for you, talk to your friends about it, someone in the group is sure to be a good planner. If you enjoy spontaneity integrate those added events to your schedule. The planning assures that you are always going to be there and that is really important. b Resources http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19980201-000021.html http://psychologytoday.com/ rss/pto-20061102-000001.html
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Lifstyle
Wisdom Gal Women Over Age 55 by Dr. Malja Strelnieks
Maija holds a doctoral degree in educational psychology from Marquette University and spent most of her career working as a school psychologist. Her particular areas of interest include character education and issues related to motivation.
The Keys to Lasting Friendships
A
nyone who has ever had a good friend would probably agree that friendships are invaluable. According to Webster’s Dictionary, invaluable is something precious and priceless, which aptly describes friendship. In her book, Toxic Friends, True Friends, Florence Isaacs refers to friends as a “lifeline”. Friendship is also described as an “interactive process” in the book Adult Friendship (Bleiszner and Adams). What characteristics make a friendship so valuable? And, 36
what makes a friendship last? I interviewed a group of women writers over the age of fifty to find out. Patricia Ranger, Doris Cummins, Mildred Hoffman, Filomena Lea, Susan O’Brien, Maddie Pritchard, and Lois Schmidt, all talked about trust. Trust appears to be the bedrock of enduring friendships because it allows for sharing of thoughts and feelings with the knowledge that they will remain with the friend and will not be shared with others. Along with trust, other important characteristics identified by the group included loyalty, sincerity, compassion, dependability,
and sense of humor. Ranger pointed out that a good friend is always there for you and can laugh and cry with you, and the bond of friendship can survive the potentially negative effects of time and distance. For O’Brien, reciprocity between friends is also an important characteristic of friendship, because both individuals need to contribute to the friendship to make it strong and enduring. If one individual does all the giving and the other does all the taking, the friendship will suffer. Another interesting aspect of enduring friendships is the ability of good friends, despite This Column is Devoted to: Exploring and sharing the experiences of women who are redefining the term “retirement”. It reflects the belief that during each phase of life it is important to enjoy the present, reflect on the past for wisdom derived from experience, and find new goals and challenges for the future. Women, whatever their age, need to feel empowered and be involved to help build a better world.
Art & Soul Gal long periods of separation, to pick up where they left off and carry on as if no time had elapsed since they were last together. This strong testimonial to the timetranscending power of friendship was a recurrent theme throughout the interviews.
“a good friend is always there for you and can laugh and cry with you” Tackling the thorny issue of differences among friends, Cummins notes that friends need to be honest with each other about politics and religious beliefs and be willing to disagree. Cummins’ observations about the need to be honest about one’s own beliefs and the willingness to disagree point out that our friendships do not have to be limited by certain beliefs or affiliations. Hoffman expressed a similar view, noting that different friendships bring different things to our lives and can be a constant source of enrichment. In summary, trust, loyalty, sincerity, compassion, dependability, reciprocity, and a sense of humor are among the qualities which we need to bring to a friendship to help it last a lifetime. I was reminded by Ranger of the Girl Scout song: “Make new friends, but keep the old; One is silver, the other gold.” References: Blieszner, Rosemary and Adams, Rebecca G. (1992). Adult friendship. Newbury Park, CA: Sage Publications, Inc. Isaacs, Florence. (1999). Toxic friends, true friends: How your friends can make or break your health, happiness, family, and career. New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc.
Women In Arts
By Chelsea Stack
Featurette - Part 3 of 3
Lynn Larkins on Lynnier Concepts “I’ve sold jewelry off my body before,” said Lynn Larkins. “I like to make women feel beautiful and different with my jewelry. Those who wear my jewelry get many compliments, because people don’t see it everywhere.” Artist Lynn Larkins does faux finishes, custom stenciling and custom fine silver with gems and beads. Her studio, “Lynnier Concepts”, is open for business. Her projects have been published in two books by Susan Ray, Organic Beaded Jewelry and Beaded Jewelry: The Complete Guide. Jewelry is a full-time job
to Larkins, and she hopes to make her products available to more people. Larkins studied interior design at the University of Iowa, went into sales for 18 years and kept her hands in various art media. Then in 1979, she went into business for herself making custom clothing, weaving baskets and working with Friendly Plastic™ making jewelry. After attending a Bead & Button Show, she was inspired by the Art Clay Silver™ demonstration and sought certification herself. “I was blown away by 350 venders from all over the world.” Larkins has taught Art Clay Silver™ classes at Concordia University-Wisconsin. Her products are also available for Girl Scout and Boy Scout group meetings, wedding showers, birthday parties, etc. She is also on the Shorewood Conservation Committee, a church volunteer and a member of the Loose Bead Society. “Don’t give up, believe in yourself and what you’re doing,” Larkins advised. “Don’t listen to all the negative people telling you that you can’t do it and don’t take a job that you don’t like.” Lynn Larkins Lynnier Concepts 228 S. 1st Street, Ste. 202 Milwaukee, WI 53204 (414)765-0200 lynnierconcepts@fast-surf.com http://www.artclayworld.com/ Archived/Arch2006.html 37
Herstory Gal
Feminism By Erin Hareng
A Look at Feminism’s Third Wave
J
ennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards are no strangers to feminism or to the third wave. Since the 1990’s, third wave feminism has focused on issues affecting young women: sexual harassment, rape, race in America, reproductive health, economics, and class. Baumgardner and Richards co-wrote Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism and the Future and Grassroots: a Field Guide for Feminist Activism. Baumgardner has also written for numerous magazines, including Ms., Glamour, The Nation, and Maxim. Richards hosts “Ask Amy” on www.feminist.com. She is on the board of advisors for Ms., Planned Parenthood in New York, Choice USA and the Sadie Nash Leadership Institute. She has worked as a consultant and is co-founder of the Third Wave Foundation. CitiGal caught up with these two pioneers to get their perspective on feminism’s third wave:
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Erin Hareng is currently a senior public relations specialist at Children’s Hospital and Health System. Erin also is involved in many organizations, which include Young Non-Profit Professionals of Milwaukee, YWCA table captain and The Park People. She received her Master’s in Journalism and Mass Communication from the UWM, and has spoken at national and international conferences on her work in post-feminism and the workplace. “I’m proud that women’s history, little thought of before, is now part of the nation’s lexicon.” – Molly Murphy MacGregor
What would you say to convince women that feminism is needed? Richards: It’s important to get people to understand the ways that feminism has already impacted their lives—or to realize how their lives might already present an opportunity for feminism. For instance, women who have played organized sports or who are angry that a colleague makes more than them… those women are already taking advantage of feminism or need feminism. The most important thing is to be specific. If we speak generally about feminism, I think it leaves people further confused about what “it” is. Is it just a theory or something that we live in our everyday lives? When explaining the importance of feminism, people often go to the typical examples: rape, abortion and violence against women. While those issues continue to need work, in order to make feminism
, w ” r
more accessible to people, I think we equally need to talk about religion, family, schools and other spaces that need feminist agitation. What were some of the things you did to promote feminism? Baumgardner: Back in my college days, I was constantly on the lookout for sexism. I would characterize my feminist promotion back then as highly critiqueand protest-based. Now I’d say my feminism is rooted in my everyday life. I express the fact that women can do everything they want to do not by standing out of a male domain yelling to be let in, but by inhabiting every space and goal that I have. Amy’s and my hope is that people meet us or read our books or observe our lives as parents and activists and say, “Oh, that’s what feminism is? I see myself in that!”
It’s important that people look beyond their own example when wondering why feminism is still relevant. How might a young woman get involved with feminism? Baumgardner: At the end of Grassroots, we list a week in Amy’s life and annotate my To-Do list. The point is to show how easy it is to fold feminism and activism into your life. In my life, I might go shopping at a local designer’s store for a dress to wear to a fundraiser (supporting women-owned business, anti-sweatshop clothes production), write letters to 10 friends about a project I’m working on (to garner emotional and financial resources), and donate my skills as a writer/editor to help an on-a-shoestring non-profit create their newsletter. In general, we all need to take
Jennifer Baumgardner
an inventory of what our skills and resources are that could be deployed in the service of social justice. What are some activities or actions one could take to promote feminism in a city like Milwaukee, where we fall behind national averages in pay and gender equity? Baumgardner: I think publicizing that fact with good back-up evidence is a good first step. The next step is to approach both lawmakers and business leaders with a plan that will eradicate this inequality. If your well-thought-out entreaties are rebuffed, then protest! Why do you think (some) young women view feminism as unnecessary? Richards: For some individual women, feminism is no longer necessary – they played sports, went to college, got a good paying job, traveled the world, said “no,” etc. For them the main goals of feminism are no longer important. They think they have formal, legal equality. However, the goal of feminism wasn’t only to benefit some women, but everyone. It’s important that people look beyond
Amy Richards
their own example when wondering why feminism is still relevant. I think some people don’t acknowledge feminism because they don’t want to have to deal with certain inconsistencies in their own lives. Steinem and Friedan were seen by some as the leaders of feminism for that era. Is a leader needed for feminism today? Why or why not? Richards: In the 1960s and 1970s feminism needed very public leaders. What is most needed now is visionary people who are contributing ideas on the ground. There are tons of younger women doing just that, but feminism certainly could use more. It’s less relevant that the media catch on and more important that the work get done. Why am I always hearing that “catfight” sentiment? I seem to get along with females just fine, but it seems the media (and women) buy into this stereotype. What are your thoughts on female relationships? Richards: People pit women against each other because they know should women join forces they would be Continued next page
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Heritage Gal
from page 39
unstoppable. Also, women are more likely to see women as barriers to their own success than men, but that’s a very sexist assumption, because it just assumes men have power and then leaves women to fight for theirs.
showing them feminism in the way we live our lives. As I am raising my own children now, I am constantly reminded of this. What I do far outweighs anything I say. But they see the way my life is structure and in that way they are picking up on the reverberations of feminism.
What are some steps we can take to make sure young girls and boys grow up feminist? Richards: I think we have to start talking about feminism when kids are very young. Not in lecture form, just
What is the next step for feminism? Richards: What feminism will require is for each of us to believe in the change we imagine. It’s not enough to “think” that women should make
the same as men or women shouldn’t be made to feel badly for their looks. What are you doing in your own life to remedy these problems? Sadly, we often contribute to the problem without even realizing it. For instance, do you pay your plumber more than your babysitter? Do you value what the New York Times says over what Ms. Magazine says? It’s time that we examine our own example and use it as a force for change. For more information, go to www. thirdwavefoundation.org/about
A Review
see page 42 for more
CitiGal Holistic Practitioner Networking
A glimpse into an evening of introduction, ideas and resources shared by enthusiastic participants from the wellness and health communities. Those who participated include wellness coaches, psychotherapists, fitness club owners, chiropracters and more.
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Held on April 24, 2008 at the Milwaukee Public Market.
CALENDAR June 14th Wisconsin Women’s Business Initiative Wealth Builders Club: What is Predatory Lending? 10 am to noon 2745 N Dr MLK Dr. Free event This workshop will teach you strategies to identify predatory practices June 14th – September 1st Gilbert & George Art Exhibition Milwaukee Art Museum 700 North Art Museum Drive The first major retrospective in over 25 years of the British artists Gilbert & George makes the only Midwest stop on its international tour. Visit www.mam.org/gandg to learn more about this exhibit. June 18th Wisconsin Women’s Business Initiative “Networking for Small Business Success Capitol Library 3969 N 74th St 6pm to 8pm Free course Take the fear out of networking! Learn how to create mutually beneficial relationships with other business people, potential clients and/or customers. June 19th Wisconsin Women’s Business Initiative “Projecting Your Cash Flow” Heartland Information Research 6434 W North Ave 6-9pm Cost is $10 Learn how to develop and manage realistic revenue and expense projections for your business. Understand how various financial statements can be your most valuable business tool. This is a hands-on opportunity to work with projection worksheets. June 25th Posh Milwaukee Charitable Event for Adaptive Community Approach Center The ladies of Posh Milwaukee are excited to announce their series of charitable events. Events are held
once a month, with demo salon and spa services offered with a minimum $15 donation at the door. All proceeds from each event benefit a selected charity. For more information visit www.myspace.com/poshmilwaukee or email poshinfo@yahoo.com June 28th Outdoor talent show My Home, Your Home 6200 W Center St Young singers, dancers, poets and musicians, between the ages of 7 and 18 are invited to participate in a noncompetitive talent show. The third annual Pump Up the Youth will be held from 11am to 1pm in the front parking lot. There is no cost to enter, prizes and giveaways. July 11th – July 20th Acacia Theatre “Pride and Prejudice” Concordia University 12800 N Lake Shore Drive Mequon, WI Performances will be at 8pm on July 11th, 12th, 17th, July 18th, 19th, and 3 pm on July 13th and 20th. Tickets are $15 or $13 for seniors, full-time clergy and full-time students. Tickets may be purchased by calling (414) 744-5995 or visiting www.acaciatheatre.com
If you want to be listed in our calendar, submit your events to citigal@wi.rr.com. July 30th Posh Milwaukee Charitable event for The Joy House of the Milwaukee Rescue Mission The ladies of Posh Milwaukee are excited to announce their series of charitable events. Events are held once a month, with demo salon and spa services offered with a minimum $15 donation at the door. All proceeds from each event benefit a selected charity. For more information visit www.myspace.com/ poshmilwaukee or email poshinfo@ yahoo.com
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July 13th Relational Empowerment: The Do’s and Don’ts for Women in Relationships! Gethsemane United Methodist Church in Pewaukee WI 6:30 to 8 pm This is a free event and everyone is welcome. July 26th Fourth Annual Artist Marketplace 10am to 5pm Milwaukee Art Museum 700 North Art Museum Drive The Milwaukee Art Museum, together with a coalition of Milwaukee based artist organizations, is pleased to announce our Fourth event. The Marketplace will provide an opportunity for over 90 emerging and established Milwaukee artists to display and sell their creative work. This one day event is free and will be held rain or shine 41
CALENDAR BAYSHORE TOWN CENTER SUMMER EVENTS 2008 bayshoretowncenter.com June 26 Mr. Lucky Swing Syndicate Noon-1:30pm & 6pm-9pm Contemporary swing in the style og Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and the Brian Setzer Orchestra…horns, vocals, zoot suits and the schtick! (Devon Seafood Grill will be offering specials at intermission during the evening show.) July 3 Warren Wiegratz & Streetlife Noon-1:30pm & 6pm-9pm Wisconsin’s quintessential contemporary jazz act with R&B vocalinfluences and driven by the soulful saxophone of Warren Wiegratz. July 10 Bobby Way & The Wayouts Noon-1:30pm & 6pm-9pm Milwaukee’s premier party band, with more than 400 tunes in their repertoire from all musical stylings and genres. (Enjoy special offerings from Bravo! at intermission during the evening show.)
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July 17 Pangaea Noon-1:30pm Carribean sun & fun delivered via steel drums and percussion. Eastbrook Orchestra & Celosei Brass 6pm-9pm A blend of symphonic literature, Americana and spirituals with big band & jazz arrangements. July 24 The Davis Family Band Noon-1:30pm & 6pm-9pm Singing and swinging, this all women big band replicates the sounds of the 20’s to present day with a Sentimental Journey to Route 66 and beyond, scattering Stardust and Mood Indigo wherever they go. July 31 Ladies Must Swing Noon-1:30pm & 6pm-9pm Wisconsin’s quintessential contemporary jazz act with R&B vocalinfluences and driven by the soulful saxophone of Warren Wiegratz. (Devon Seafood Grill will be offering specials at intermission during the evening show.)
August 7 James Kishline Noon-1:30pm & 6pm-9pm A great American songbook by way of Frank, Dean and Tony, some next generation classic pop from England, and a little blues woven with a popular jazz sensibility. (Enjoy special offerings from Bravo! at intermission during the evening show.) August 14 The Tempters Noon-1:30pm & 6pm-9pm A tribute to the Temptations and Four Tops, these guys bring it on full costume. (Devon Seafood Grill will be offering specials at intermission during the evening show.) August 21 Robin Pluer Noon-1:30pm & 6pm-9pm Eclectic/French influenced delivery, a Midwest legend in her own time. Events continue past August 21. All concerts are in the town square on Thursday evenings. More information at
bayshoretowncenter.com
Transformation Gal Ophelia Project Events & News By Jane Finkenbine
Friendships & Relational Aggression:
Advice from Children’s Author Trudy Ludwig
Jane started the Ophelia Project of SE Wisconsin, an “Opheliate” of the national OP, based in Erie Pennsylvania. Jane is a former middle school English teacher and has 20 years of experience working with youth through various non-profit organizations.
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead
G
ood parents know that being a “good” parent is not easy. Balancing work, school, sports and activity schedules and the endless parade of birthday parties and sleepovers takes careful planning and, perhaps, a bit of insanity. According to experts, our children have three basic needs: acceptance, belonging and control of their environment. Children’s author, Trudy Ludwig knows exactly what a parent goes through when a child’s friendships are not meeting those needs. I talked to Ludwig about her own experiences with her daughter, Allie. Ludwig is the author of My Secret Bully, Just Kidding, Sorry! and Trouble Talk. Jane: What inspired you to write My Secret Bully? Trudy: When my daughter Allie, now 14, was seven years old, she was emotionally bullied by a close circle of friends. The experience had a huge impact on both of us. She was devastated and felt so alone. And I was shocked that something like this could happen at such a young age. I went into an information-gathering mode and contacted experts and organizations around the country to learn as much as I could about relational aggression (the use of relationships to intentionally manipulate and hurt others). In my research, I found out that relational aggression is evident as early as preschool, yet there really weren’t any children’s books available to help educators and parents address this growing problem among young children. I decided to put my professional writing skills to good use and wrote My Secret Bully as a resource for schools and families. 43
TRANSFORMATION GAL From Page 47
This Column is Devoted to: Taking you through my journey with the Ophelia Project. You will learn how we all can work together to change the social climate. I will share my trials and tribulations as I try to raise a daughter who is caring, confident and strong. I will share new beliefs and what we can and should do.
Jane: When did you first realize that relational aggression is a problem faced by many children and parents? Trudy: Around the time of my daughter’s bullying incident, Rachel Simmons’s book, Odd Girl Out, was released. Public response to that book, along with the latest research findings reported by the Ophelia Project, a leading U.S. resource on relational aggression, showed just how rampant relational aggression is in our country. And international news reports corroborate that the U.S. is not alone when it comes to the growing epidemic of social cruelty among peers. Jane: Are you surprised by the response from this book? Is the response what led you to write Just Kidding and Sorry!? Trudy: When first I wrote My Secret Bully, I had hoped that many young readers would be able to relate to the story. But I honestly had no idea as to the extent of its popularity with girls and boys as well as adults. I wrote Just Kidding after many parents and organizations approached me to write a “brother” book to My Secret Bully. My third book, Sorry!, seemed to be a natural progression for me. Jane: What advice do you give parents when their children are targets of RA? Trudy: Parents need to really listen to their kids concerns and not belittle them. Don’t charge into the situation like a Mama Bear or Papa Bear, poised to attack. Instead, keep calm and gather the facts concerning the incident. Find out if there were any bystanders who saw the incident happen. Then report this information to the school teacher/administrator/counselor and discuss with the school representatives what their plan is to prevent bullying, protect the target, and get the bully the help he/she needs to stop bullying. Below are some additional tips for parents to communicate to their children: • Know that it’s not your fault. • Know that you don’t deserve it. • Tell the bully to stop, if you feel safe doing so. • Remove yourself from the situation, whenever possible. • Get help from people you trust.
• Hang out with people who make you feel safe. • Use harmless humor to deflect bullying. • Don’t responding to bullying becoming a bully yourself. Jane: Do you have advice for parents of the aggressors? Trudy: Many experts emphasize the importance of positive discipline with moral feeling—not coercive, punitive measures—when addressing a child’s aggressive behavior. That way, parents and teachers can help a child to make better choices that aren’t hurtful to themselves and others. Simply speaking, we must treat bullying incidences with an eye towards cause and effect; that is, whenever your child intentionally chooses to insult, exclude, hit or threaten others, he/she will consistently face disciplinary consequences that are predictable, fair and immediate. Parents must hold their children accountable for their bullying behavior. Bullies also need to take responsibility for their actions by making the effort to right their wrongs. What’s coming up next for you? My fourth book, Trouble Talk, will be available in bookstores nationwide this April. I define “trouble talk” as any kind of talk that leads to nothing but trouble (gossiping, spreading rumors, giving hurtful, unsolicited advice, sharing others’ information). I also continue to travel around the country, speaking at schools and conferences to educate adults and children on this issue. Jane: Other thoughts? Trudy: I feel very strongly that our job as parents is not to fight our children’s battles, but to give them the tools and skills they need to fight their own battles in life. I write children’s books to help raise awareness of important issues and empower kids when it comes to making healthier friendship choices. I think it’s really difficult for today’s kids to navigate through their complex social world. Books are wonderful resources to help children address difficult emotional/ social issues in a safe social environment. All my books include a story, along with discussion questions, tips and additional resources to help adults open the communication doors with children on important issues like bullying. To learn more about Trudy Ludwig, visit her website at www.trudyludwig.com.