PRIVATE EYE

PRIVATE EY

Easter Lilacs

I’ve never really enjoyed Utah’s summers or winters. Spring and fall, however? Well, that’s what living in Utah is all about. Most years.

I love the spring when I see flowers rising, trees becoming sprays of green and fruit blossoms bursting into their Skittles rainbow colors. I equally love the fall harvests and thus thinking ahead on how to arrange this years’ vegetable garden. I want lively colors and lots of tomatoes. I like the welcoming fresh aromas of spring and equally favor the rich aromas of an autumn garden stew.

Thinking of such gives me calm. However, it seems that our seasons overlap more than when I was a kid, when the changing seasons were in harmony with the changing sports seasons. People are quick to blame global warming and climate change for the disrespect that Mother Nature has for us these days, what with snow in late spring, December golf outings, trout streams that barely trickle and ski resorts making fake snow. Sure, gas guzzling on fossil fuels plays a role, but dear Mother Nature pulls the strings.

Am I the first person to notice that our severe weather patterns create a perfect Venn diagram with the introduction of indoor baseball stadiums? Add domed football stadiums, and you’d have a Mickey Mouse Venn diagram trifecta, except that Mickey wouldn’t have ears. Once it became OK to manipulate a curve ball or punt, Mother Nature reacted with a curve ball of her own. She sent ever more thunder, lightning and floods, but we didn’t pay attention. We kept building domed arenas in such places as Phoenix (so that baseball can be played comfortably in 110-degree summer weather) and in Minneapolis (so that football can be played comfortably in sub-zero winter weather).

The result? The Minnesota Vikings football team is a nothingburger these days. And outside of one anomalous World Series title—thanks to the New York Yankees running out of gas in the bottom of the ninth inning in the seventh game of the 2001 World Series—the Arizona Diamondbacks are, too. In 2001, our American stage was grieving the 9/11 terrorist attack on New York City’s World Trade Center. In the bottom of the ninth inning of Game 7, a weak Luis Gonzales blooper—hit off of future Yankee Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera—scored Jay Bell from third base.

The Diamondbacks had their title. The Yankees returned home having delivered comfort and healing to our nation. Mother Nature did that. In her wisdom, and despite her better instincts, she believed it more comforting to our souls to let Arizona have that win. We all needed a win. Had she favored the Yankees—as thanks for not putting an all-season dome over the new Yankee Stadium—Americans would have regarded another Yankee title as overkill, thus robbing us of feeling universal unity with that great liberal city.

For the next couple of years—until we attacked Iraq for a tragedy wrought upon us by Osama bin Laden, an Afghanistan cave dweller who was funded primarily by Saudi Arabian money—Americans were as united as they had ever been since the end of World War II. We were hit, and we wanted to hit back. We were scared, and we wanted to be free of fear. We were suspicious of anything and everything that was remotely connected to a part of the world we knew little about. And, we felt this way because so many Americans got their social and geopolitical news solely from comic books, TV and movies at the time.

Americans simply weren’t exposed through any media channels back then to anything favorable to the goat-eating, camel-riding men with swarthy beards. It was just 100 years prior, when southern Europeans who also ate goats and wore swarthy beards were also coming to the United States. The only thing my grandparents lacked was the camel, but Americans distrusted them all the same. By the early 2000s, you’d think we would know better. We didn’t, so we lumped the whole of the Middle East into one big oil barrel and began shooting—except at the primary target, that is.

Today, it’s the same. Many Americans get their social and geopolitical news from the comical memes on social media. As such, we blame everyone and everything in matters we don’t even try to fully understand, because basically, we don’t read or study any longer. We are just as easily angered and aggrieved, and we just as easily take aim at our friends, not our enemies. We all know people who were experts on race issues during the Obama administration, who morphed into immunologists during Trump’s presidency and who now are experts in macro- and microeconomics squawking about gas prices. Scroll through your social media and you’re bound to have at least one friend or follower who posts, “Thanks for the high price of gas, Brandon!”

We all know that person. We all want to strike back. We are all afraid. But, the fear is misplaced. Talk to your neighbors—even the ones flying the “Let’s Go, Brandon” and “Uzi Freedom” flags. That’s the only way it can end well. Change.

The spring awakening to Easter is here, a time of renewal and of promise. You don’t have to be religious to understand the symbolism of springtime. Grow a garden. Smell a rose. Start over. Take your anger out on the manipulative and deceptive politicians, not on your neighbors. If our elections were held during tax season—as Mother Nature intended— and not during domed football season—as team-owning billionaires intend—we’d vote the whole lot of them out.

Meanwhile, create hope, and await the best blooms of spring, the eternal harbinger of Easter itself, the purple lilac—the blend of red and blue. CW

Send comments to john@cityweekly.net.

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MISS: Watching Big Brother

There is legalese, and then there is the Legislature creatively using the English language to make them sound smarter than the average bear. And of course, almost all of their legislation this session sent the message that, yes, they are smarter than you, they know better than you and you’d better just suck it up. Let’s first talk about how something might “implicate the principles of federalism or state sovereignty,” which The Salt Lake Tribune thankfully put in quotes. In the real world, implicate means to show that something or someone is involved in a criminal pursuit. Are the principles of federalism and state sovereignty doing something criminal? That’s not what Rep. Ken Ivory, R-West Jordan, meant with his bill, HB209, which intends to monitor the federal government. And they’re going to get a third party to do this “monitoring” and decide what exactly those federalism principles are— if not someone’s debatable interpretation of the Constitution.

MISS: Fire Away

We’re back talking about gun laws and the multitude of ways “the militia” has come to mean anyone, any time, with any gun doing anything with it. What happened was 58-year-old Michael Clara shot at a truck that fled after hitting his 4Runner, KSL reported. Clara, an outspoken and bombastic political activist, claimed he was defending himself, sure that his life was in danger. Yeah, his bullets totally missed the escaping truck but almost killed a young girl in the back seat of another vehicle. “As much as it troubles me to hear a story about a young child who was almost killed in the back seat of their car as they’re traveling down the street, my hands are tied by the requirements that the Legislature imposed in the new statute,” a judge said. That’s because Rep. Karianne Lisonbee, R-Clearfield, literally cutand-pasted the self-defense law from Florida, where “stand-your-ground” has come to mean “get ready to die.”

HIT: Calling Spades

While the Republican Party devolves into anarchical fascism, Utah’s Sen. Mitt Romney stands firm with the old guard—you know, the ones who had morals. “I have to think anybody that would sit down with white nationalists and speak at their conference was certainly missing a few IQ points,” Romney told CNN. This after he called Reps. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Georgia, and Paul Gosar, R-Arizona, “morons” because they attended the wingnut America First Political Action Conference amidst frenzied cheers of “Putin! Putin!” Romney also famously voted twice to impeach the former U.S. president and faced backlash from Utah’s conservative right. But he can take it—for now. He doesn’t run again until 2024, so he has a little time to curry favor with Utah’s right-wingers and make sure he doesn’t fall to the hands of the GOP fringe.

What Did They Do Us?

The Legislature has thankfully adjourned after 45 days of rushing to make laws, some of which stomp on freedoms and punish the innocent. Of course, there are others that might have some worth. The state’s water issues got some attention, although air quality lost out. At Bills on Capitol Hill:

Winners and Losers of the 2022 Ses-

sion, the Hinckley Institute of Politics has invited lawmakers to “reflect upon the policy highlights and challenges from the session including infrastructure, education, environmental initiatives and economic growth.” If you weren’t paying attention during the session, now is the time. The governor has until March 24 to sign or veto the bills, and he’s already hard at it, signing dozens. Virtual or at Hinckley Insti-

tute of Politics, 260 S. Central Campus Drive, Room 2018, SLC, Tuesday, March 15, noon, free. https://bit.ly/35zUIqG

From the Cheap Seats

Maybe you want to hear about the Legislature from a less biased audience—perhaps the nonpartisan League of Women Voters? Nonprofits around the state are offering their perspectives on this first-out-of-COVID session, and you can find legislative report cards and bill trackers on many websites, including those of the Sierra Club, the Wasatch Front Regional Council, the Alliance for a Better Utah and more. At Legislative Wrap-Up, the League’s legislative action directors will lead a panel discussion with their volunteers, focusing on voting rights, climate and education. Virtual,

Wednesday, March 16, 7 p.m., free. https://bit.ly/3IO8O6j

The Perfect Body

Utah has witnessed two child suicides in recent months, prompting shifts on bullying, racism and finding paths forward. Maybe it starts with you and the way you perceive your own body. Reframing the

Conversation: Thriving in Your Own

Body suggests that “body positivity should be radical acceptance and inclusion—loving the skin you are in regardless of its size, shape, color, age or ability.” A panel of experts will discuss how to broaden the definition of beauty and health. “We will discuss how diverse representation in media, government and our everyday lives expands and shifts our understanding of beauty.” Just look at the women portrayed on TV, and you’ll see the problem. Virtual

or in-person, Hinckley Institute of Politics, 260 S. Central Campus Drive, Room 2018, SLC, Wednesday, March 16, noon, free. https://bit.ly/35lUvrj

Inland Port Keeps Going

Now that the Legislature has ended, Salt Lake City has been pushed even farther into the background as its representatives have been eliminated from the Inland Port Authority board. Still, the fight goes on among activists determined to do what they can to prevent further air pollution and congestion in Utah. Every week, the Stop the Polluting Port Coalition meets to hash out the latest encroachment to the fragile wetlands. Join the weekly call. Virtual, Thursdays, 6 p.m., free. http://bit.ly/30dAyL4