OPINION

Where’s the Beef?

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

Can we count on nothing these days? A New York man has a beef with Wendy’s and McDonald’s, alleging unfair and deceptive trade practices because their burgers look larger in ads than they really are. OK, hold on, is any American surprised by this?

Now, we’re not saying the claimant, Justin Chimienti, is right—after all, he’s seeking $50 million in damages in his proposed class-action suit—but we are living in the land of “25% more” and “30% brighter.” Nonetheless, the lawsuit claims the actual burgers are some 15% smaller than the sandwiches in the ads.

The complaint states that the “actions are especially concerning now that inflation, food and meat prices are very high and many consumers, especially lower income consumers, are struggling financially.” Is a Quarter Pounder no longer a quarter pound? Was it ever?

According to the BBC, the allegation may be hard to prove because the claimants have to do more than weigh a hamburger. Mark Bartholomew, law professor at the University of Buffalo, said in order to prevail, they must prove customers were actually fooled. And let’s face it, Americans know a Big Mac isn’t big—that’s why they order the large fries and Coke with the Meal Deal.

They know they’re being fooled, but what are they going to do—go to Taco Bell?

Meet Me in Budapest

Well, Budapest is not exactly Miami. But they do have a dictator, so what better place for the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) to throw a moon howl, as it did last week. Hungary is a country where Donald Trump can say “president-for-life” with a straight face.

The American right’s new hero, Victor Orban, just “won” his fourth term as Hungarian prime minister. Something of a Mini-Me Putin authoritarian, Orban makes folks like Tucker Carlson, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Alex Jones wet just hearing his name. According to the CPAC website: “We know that we are facing serious challenges. CPAC Hungary is looking for the answer to how we can protect Western civilization, true Western values, how we can resist the attacks of the left.”

And speaking of Florida, we’ve got a great deal for you on some swampland that doesn’t even have alligators. “It’s mind-blowing,” said András Göllner, a Hungarian democracy advocate. “It’s almost as if the FBI or the Department of Justice decided to hold a bash in a village in Sicily that is the home of organized crime.”

But don’t listen to that. The shindig was a great success, even if Putin’s atrocities in Ukraine did put a bit of a damper on the party atmosphere. Let’s just keep our eyes on the prize, where a future America can be a lot more like Hungary.

Hangin’ 10 at the Great Salt Lake

Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learning how, right on the Great Salt Lake. We are not making this up, folks, the Utah Water Development Commission is thinking about bringing Pacific Ocean water to Utah through a 700-mile-long (and uphill!) pipeline to restore the shrinking lake.

Wilson and the band couldn’t be more excited and have already broken out their baggies. Sure, there will be naysayers pooh-poohing the brilliant idea, but there always are. We went to the moon, didn’t we? We cured cancer, didn’t we? We invented the electric skateboard, didn’t we?

Think of all that ocean water pouring in to give us what we’ve always wanted—a beach with a wave machine. There will be beach-blanket bingo, bikini volleyball and dudes and chicks with surfboards ready to shoot the curl. The good thing is we won’t run out of water from the Pacific, it’s just too big. We could actually save waterfront houses in La Jolla.

Don’t be surprised if the Utah Office of Tourism jumps all over this baby to earn back the billions and billions it will cost. Some old-schoolers say we should just conserve and stop sending all our water-gulping alfalfa to China, tear out our lawns and turn golf courses into skate parks. But this is Utah, where only commies conserve, and God said we can do whatever we want with this land.

Postscript—That’s it for another fab week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of who’s in bed with Clarence Thomas, so you don’t have to. Don’t worry, Wilson, the band doesn’t have to keep tabs on Justice Thomas or his extreme right-wing activist wife, Ginni, but you gotta admit they’d be fun to hang out with.

Here’s a little something from our “Freudian” file: During a speech at his presidential library in Dallas, George W. Bush denounced “the decision of one man to launch a wholly unjustified and brutal invasion of Iraq … I mean Ukraine.” Then he was heard muttering, “Iraq, too.”

But wait, Iraq had weapons of mass destruction … and we’d be welcomed with rose petals … right? Too bad “W” didn’t throw in the Vietnam War, too, where some 2 million civilian noncombatants were killed, thanks in large part to U.S. bombing.

In March 1968, U.S. soldiers in Charlie Company executed some 500 women, children and old men in the village of My Lai. Lt. William Calley was the only soldier convicted by courtmartial for his role; he served no prison time for the slaughter. Americans were outraged when they found out about it, said Neil Sheehan, a New York Times reporter who covered Vietnam. But he noted that little was said about the countless thousands killed by American napalm and bombs. Putin, anyone? CW

Private Eye is off this week. Christopher Smart is former editor of City Weekly who later covered local news and politics for The Salt Lake Tribune. His Smart Bomb column is published weekly at cityweekly.net.

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HIT: Pipe Dreams

At least the “lamestream media” recognizes a bad idea when they hear it. Which bad idea? The one about pumping water from the Pacific Ocean into the Great Salt Lake. “Loony idea of a Pacific Ocean pipeline distracts from real water-saving steps,” The Salt Lake Tribune Editorial Board writes. Our Legislature thinks this is a dandy idea because, for sure, no one wants to require people—or golf courses—to quit watering the lawn. This is not the Golden Spike, where underpaid and abused Chinese laborers can lay lines across the continent. Here’s what Greenmatters says: “The construction process sounds brutal … would require high-emissions machinery, would have to travel about 600 miles to the coast, crossing through the Sierra Nevada [mountains], California and Nevada. It would require digging, and take a toll on surrounding land.” If you like conspiracy theories, maybe lawmakers want to build the pipeline for oil instead.

MISS: Train-ing Ground

As long as we’re talking about bad ideas—if you haven’t heard about the Utah inland port, you can take a virtual tour of it here (uipamap.info/home). According to the Tribune, the port authority board is fast-tracking acquisitions to add a rail line in its already fragile ecosystem. If rail isn’t enough, the port could bring in 67,000 diesel trucks a day to Salt Lake’s inversion-inclined air. Because it will use so much of our dwindling water supply, the port could also give rise to toxic dust storms, notes Brian Moench of Utah Physicians for a Healthy Environment. But the big problem may just be greed. The port is being built largely on private property, and the owners—including the LDS church—stand to profit from selling.

MISS: Not-So-Easy Reading

Who knew that our children were being exposed to “clearly pornographic” materials? Apparently, Utah House Speaker Brad Wilson has poured over those disgusting books that are now banned as “sensitive materials.” He told KUER 90.1 FM in several accounts that “some parents” had expressed concern about what was on school library shelves. “Where normally a district might receive just a few challenges a year, the Granite District alone has seen 36 across its schools,” KUER reports. “Titles include books like Last Night at the Telegraph Club, The Bluest Eye and The Kite Runner.” The rules are less than clear, but that hasn’t stopped people from complaining. Not even the everinconsistent Supreme Court has been able to figure it out. But Wilson seems to “know it when he sees it.” Still, it’s unlikely that he or any of the complainants have read or understood any of the subject books. If they have ever been in a book club, they’d know that uncomfortable notions set the stage for a moral populace.

Reproductive Rights

Oklahoma just passed a near-total ban on abortion in yet another tone-deaf attempt to control women and their bodies. The latest polls show that 64% of U.S. adults oppose overturning Roe v Wade, but that hasn’t stopped the self-righteous right, and Utah is gearing up for the same. Pro Choice People of Utah also need volunteers for this Memorial Weekend Rally for Repro Rights and march to Washington Square. Utah State

Capitol, 350 N. State, Sunday, May 29, 1 p.m. free. https://bit.ly/39EVPay

Trigger Law Explained

Rallies and protests aren’t going to be enough unless you understand the intense and emotional politics behind abortion bans. Preparing for Utah’s Abortion Ban Trigger Law will help you know what’s coming and how to advocate for women’s health care. “Catherine Weller, LWV of Utah pastpresident, and Karrie Galloway, president & CEO of Planned Parenthood Association of Utah will discuss the current abortion situation in Utah, preparations for anticipated changes, and the impacts on women,” organizers say. Virtual, Tuesday, May 31, 11

a.m., free. https://bit.ly/3PA7Zli

Book Donations

Spring cleaning is a great time to get rid of books that someone else might want to read. The City Library is hosting its semi-annual Book Donation Drive, with curbside pickup. “You can drop off gently used books, CDs, DVDs, BluRays and vinyl records. Proceeds from sales of these items help fund library programs throughout the year. Your donated items can take on a new life and spark joy for someone else!” Books are important now during a time of heightened censorship and when support of local libraries sends the message that reading opens minds and hearts.

Salt Lake City Main Library, 210 E. 400 South, Saturday, May 28, 9 a.m.-2 p.m., free. https://bit.ly/383Re17

All About Honest Abe

On May 30, the country will be celebrating the 100th anniversary of the dedication of the Lincoln Memorial. Even if you haven’t visited Washington, D.C., you’ve probably seen the memorial and the bigger-than-life statue of the 16th president on TV, the big screen or in various politician’s messaging. But who really is Abraham Lincoln and has he become a hollow symbol without meaning? Certainly, while Americans wrestle with racism and white supremacy, the memorial takes on new context. You can learn about the memorial and the colossal seated figure of Lincoln at Abraham Lincoln and

The Lincoln Memorial—100th Anniver-

sary Livestream. “Dedicated in May 1922, it is one of several memorials built to honor an American president. It has always been a major tourist attraction and, since the 1930s, has sometimes been a symbolic center focused on race relations.” Virtual, Thurs-

day, May 26, 6 p.m., free. https://bit.ly/3MAZvbF