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Go to realastrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
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One of your callings as an Aries is to take risks. You’re inclined to take more leaps of faith than other people, and you’re also more likely to navigate them to your advantage—or at least not get burned. A key reason for your success is your keen intuition about which gambles are relatively smart and which are illadvised. But even when your chancy ventures bring you exciting new experiences, they may still run you afoul of conventional wisdom, peer pressure and the way things have always been done. Everything I have described here will be in maximum play for you in the coming weeks.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Your keynote comes from teacher Caroline Myss. She writes, “Becoming adept at the process of self-inquiry and symbolic insight is a vital spiritual task that leads to the growth of faith in oneself.” Encouraging you to grow your faith in yourself will be one of my prime intentions in the next 12 months. Let’s get started! How can you become more adept at self-inquiry and symbolic insight? One idea is to ask yourself a probing new question every Sunday morning, like “What teachings and healings do I most want to attract into my life during the next seven days?” Spend the subsequent week gathering experiences and revelations that will address that query. Another idea is to remember and study your dreams, since doing so is the No. 1 way to develop symbolic insight. For help, I recommend the work of Gayle Delaney: tinyurl.com/InterviewYourDreams
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
The TV science fiction show Legends of Tomorrow features a ragtag team of imperfect but effective superheroes. They travel through time trying to fix aberrations in the timelines caused by various villains. As they experiment and improvise, sometimes resorting to wildly daring gambits, their successes outnumber their stumbles and bumbles. And on occasion, even their apparent mistakes lead to good fortune that unfolds in unexpected ways. One member of the team, Nate, observes, “Sometimes we screw up—for the better.” I foresee you Geminis as having a similar modus operandi in the coming weeks.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
I like how Cancerian poet Stephen Dunn begins his poem, “Before We Leave.” He writes, “Just so it’s clear—no whining on the journey.” I am offering this greeting to you and me, my fellow Cancerians, as we launch the next chapter of our story. In the early stages, our efforts may feel like drudgery and our progress could seem slow. But as long as we don’t complain excessively and don’t blame others for our own limitations, our labors will become easier and quite productive.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo poet Kim Addonizio writes a lot about love and sex. In her book Wild Nights, she says, “I’m thinking of dating trees next. We could just stand around all night together. I’d murmur, they’d rustle, the wind would, like, do its wind thing.” Now might be a favorable time for you, too, to experiment with evergreen romance and arborsexuality and trysts with your favorite plants. When was the last time you hugged an oak or kissed an elm? Just kidding! The coming weeks will indeed be an excellent time to try creative innovations in your approach to intimacy and adoration. But I’d rather see your experiments in togetherness unfold with humans.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
In her book Daughters of the Stone, Virgo novelist Dahlma Llanos-Figueroa tells the tale of five generations of Afro-Cuban women, her ancestors. “These are the stories of a time lost to flesh and bone,” she writes, “a time that lives only in dreams and memories. Like a primeval wave, these stories have carried me, and deposited me on the morning of today. They are the stories of how I came to be who I am, where I am.” I’d love to see you explore your own history with as much passion and focus, Virgo. In my astrological opinion, it’s a favorable time for you to commune with the influences that have made you who you are.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
In accordance with astrological omens, here’s my advice for you in the coming weeks: 1. Know what it takes to please everyone, even if you don’t always choose to please everyone; 2. Know how to be what everyone wants you to be and when they need you to be it, even if you only fulfill that wish when it has selfish value for you; 3. Do not give others all you have and thereby neglect to keep enough to give yourself; 4. When others are being closed-minded, help them develop more expansive finesse by sharing your own reasonable views; 5. Start thinking about how, in 2023, you will grow your roots as big and strong as your branches.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Even if some people are nervous or intimidated around you, they may be drawn to you nonetheless. When that happens, you probably enjoy the power you feel. But I wonder what would happen if you made a conscious effort to cut back just a bit on the daunting vibes you emanate. I’m not saying they’re bad. I understand they serve as a protective measure, and I appreciate the fact that they may help you get the cooperation you want. As an experiment, though, I invite you to be more reassuring and welcoming to those who might be inclined to fear you. See if it alters their behavior in ways you enjoy and benefit from.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sagittarian rapper and entrepreneur Jay-Z has stellar advice for his fellow Sagittarians to contemplate regularly: “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with the aim; just gotta change the target.” In offering Jay-Z’s advice, I don’t mean to suggest that you always need to change the target you’re aiming at. On many occasions, it’s exactly right. But the act of checking in to evaluate whether it is or isn’t the right target will usually be valuable. And on occasion, you may realize that you should indeed aim at a different target.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You now have extra power to exorcize ghosts and demons that are still lingering from the old days and old ways. You are able to transform the way your history affects you. You have a sixth sense about how to graduate from lessons you have been studying for a long time. In honor of this joyfully tumultuous opportunity, draw inspiration from poet Charles Wright: “Knot by knot I untie myself from the past / And let it rise away from me like a balloon. / What a small thing it becomes. / What a bright tweak at the vanishing point, blue on blue.”
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
In accordance with current astrological rhythms, I am handing over your horoscope to essayist Anne Fadiman. She writes, “I have always felt that the action most worth watching is not at the center of things, but where edges meet. I like shorelines, weather fronts, international borders. There are interesting frictions and incongruities in these places, and often, if you stand at the point of tangency, you can see both sides better than if you were in the middle of either one.”
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
I have been fortunate to work with 13 psychotherapists. One of them regularly reminded me that if I hoped to get what I wanted, I had to know precisely what I wanted. Once a year, she would give me a giant piece of thick paper and felt-tip markers. “Draw your personal vision of paradise,” she instructed me. “Outline the contours of the welcoming paradise that would make your life eminently delightful and worthwhile.” She would also ask me to finish this sentence: “I am mobilizing all the energy and ingenuity and connections I have at my disposal so as to accomplish the following goal.” In my astrological opinion, Pisces, now is a perfect time to do these two exercises yourself. University of Utah Health and the Moran Eye Center will be destroying medical records created prior to 01/01/2001 for all patients. UUH and Moran will also be destroying medical records created prior to 01/01/2013 for deceased patients who passed away prior to 01/01/2013 and who were over the age of 18 at the time of death. If you would like to request a copy of your records prior to destruction, or if you have a legal right to access a deceased relatives medical information and would like a copy of their records, you must contact the facility at 801-581-2704 before 01/01/2023. After that date, records will no longer be available. Sr. Integration Solutions Architect (SISA-RT) in Midvale, UT. Provide strategic & tech direction for distributed systems, sys design & sys dvlpmt. Estb & guide toward resilient, reusable & standardized solutions/platforms. Telecommuting permitted. BS followed by 6 yrs prog rltd exp. Send resumes to Zions Bancorporation at ZionsCareers@ zionsbancorp.com. Must reference job title & code in subject line.
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1. Places for sgts. 4. What trees do in the wind 8. Oldman’s “JFK” role 14. Issa of “Awkward Black Girl” 15. ____ stick 16. Well-being 17. Reward for acting well? 19. Home runs, in slang 20. Ragged 21. Make a blackboard black, say 23. When some close games are won, briefly 24. City that’s home to the Munch Museum 29. Literally, “tooth fish” 31. Lego series with its own 2017 movie 32. Words said with a sigh 34. Fairy tale’s second word 35. Question asked while tapping a microphone (or a clue for 17-, 24-, 52- or 60-Across) 41. Home to Athens and Dublin 42. Not ____ eye in the house 43. Doesn’t deviate from 47. War room topic 52. Line of sight? 54. Saudi Arabia neighbor 55. Eat away 56. Cost for a spot 57. Deem appropriate 60. Source of the word “saga” 63. Flasher at a rock concert 64. Clarinetist’s need 65. Inner ____ 66. “____ the love?” 67. Elapse 68. Triage areas: Abbr.
1. “Take this bit of advice ...” 2. Aquafina : PepsiCo :: ____ : Coca-Cola 3. Division of the economy 4. Agile 5. Prevailed 6. Back in the day 7. Sing in a high range? 8. 2021 A.L. MVP Shohei ____ 9. Fall, e.g. 10. Cooler container 11. It may be brown or blonde 12. Std. paper size 13. They don’t play the field: Abbr. 18. Start of an encouraging phrase 22. “Anchorman: The Legend of ____ Burgundy” 24. “Fancy meeting you here!” 25. ____ Club (Costco competitor) 26. D.C. media giant, for short 27. 1957 Stravinsky ballet 28. Over there, quaintly 30. “Hard pass” 33. Uber Eats guesstimate 35. Waffle House alternative 36. Riverbed sediment 37. Absolutely fabulous 38. Purchase for the den 39. “Dies ____” (hymn) 40. It contains M.S.G. 41. “That’s your game, eh?” 44. Professional copyist 45. They take 2-10 yrs. to mature 46. A-to-zed reference work, in brief 48. Commotion 49. “Sure, we can chat now” 50. ____ salad 51. Scornful looks 53. Corp. shake-up 56. Samberg of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” 57. Opposite NNE 58. Ending for many a biblical verb 59. Poet’s “before” 61. Soccer star Messi, to fans 62. Haaland who became U.S. Secretary of the Interior in 2021
Last week’s answers
SUDOKU X
Complete the grid so that each row, column, diagonal and 3x3 square contain all of the numbers 1 to 9. No math is involved. The grid has numbers, but nothing has to add up to anything else. Solve the puzzle with reasoning and logic. Solving time is typically 10 to 30 minutes, depending on your skill and experience.
WITH BABS DELAY
Broker, Urban Utah Homes & Estates, urbanutah.com
Park Love
Hopefully, you voted in the midterm elections. Salt Lake City residents passed an $85 million bond to fund parks and trails projects, which will cost the average homeowner roughly $54 per year for 20 years, beginning in 2024.
The biggest project to be funded will be the Glendale Regional Park, which will convert the former Raging Waters water park on 1700 South into a new, 17-acre park, comparable in scope to Liberty and Sugar House parks, but on the city’s oft-forgotten west side.
The attraction of a giant wave pool and water slides—at times called Wild Wave and Seven Peaks—fell into disrepair and shut down in 2018. The new plan includes community gathering spaces, trails, a hilltop overlook, playgrounds and sport courts, with the addition of unique elements supporting the surrounding neighborhoods’ identities and histories, increased placemaking based on community input and desires, and the addition of multilingual representation and wayfinding signage.
Salt Lake City, itself, could use those kinds of funds around downtown to update the wayfinding signs from the Olympics that are outdated and faded.
Other bond items include completion of the Folsom Trail—where there is one critical section missing between 1000 West and the Jordan River Parkway; a new park in the Granary District; restorative landscaping along the Jordan River Parkway to help improve air and water quality; to-be-determined improvements to at least one park in each city council district; replacement of the well-worn but actively used Rotary Play Park in the northwest area of Liberty Park; improvements to Fairmont Park—including enhanced public access and hopefully new uses of the Boys and Girls Clubs’ tennis courts; and landscape and preservation improvements to historic Allen Park across from Westminster College.
The city has surveyed residents and found that they were using parks more because of COVID-19, and with the city’s anticipated growth, it’s important to preemptively plan for green space in the city’s overall development. I sat in on a charrette about our parks several years ago when I served as a volunteer planning and zoning commissioner for the city. One expert who came in to lead the discussion mentioned that he didn’t think the capital city, or the valley, needed more parks, because local residents could be in the mountains within 15 to 30 minutes. Currently, there are more than 100 parks and numerous trails throughout the Salt Lake Valley.
Liberty Park was established in 1882 and is second in size to Sugar House Park. That park came as a result of the state Legislature passing a statute in 1947, setting aside the land from the old state prison as a state park.
Sugar House Park isn’t targeted for any major renovations under the bond, but recognizing that when it snows, we have a great sledding hill there, I would have suggested the addition of some infrastructure to assist sledders—such as a railing or stairs to use for climbing back up the hill—and possibly an ice rink and maybe some pickleball courts.
I also think we need a year-round space in one of our city parks for roller derby in the summer and hockey in the winter. CW
NOT HAU UNTED
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Not Your Job
Mary K. Brown, 38, of Durand, Wisconsin, was charged with physical abuse of an elder person after she performed surgery on a man who was recovering under her care, WQOW-TV reported. Brown was working as a hospice nurse at Spring Valley Health and Rehab Center, where she cared for a patient suffering from severe frostbite on his feet. On May 27, Brown took it upon herself to remove the victim’s right foot—without a doctor’s order or permission. Another nurse, who held the victim’s hand during the procedure, said he was moaning and squeezing her hand, and he told yet another nurse that he felt everything, and it hurt very bad. Brown told one nurse that her family has a taxidermy shop and she intended to preserve the foot and put it on display with a sign saying, “Wear your boots, kids.” She is due in court on Dec. 6.
Bummer
College dreams were scattered across a highway in El Paso, Texas, on Oct. 28 when a UPS truck lost its load of SAT tests that had been completed on Oct. 27 at El Paso High School, KTSM-TV reported. Senior class vice president Santiago Gonzalez said the school called a meeting to discuss the lost tests. All but 55 of them were recovered; the College Board is working with those students to set a retest date. Student body president Zyenna Martinez is worried about identity theft: “(The tests) have all of our identification and information ... where we live, our address, our date of birth ... and it stinks because our identity is out there right now.”
One Man’s Trash ...
German collector Alexander Smoljanovic is on the hunt for a special item to complete his collection, Metro News reported. Smoljanovic wants a purple Sulo 240-liter wheeled trash can, available only in the United Kingdom, to round out his collection of more than 100 full-size wheelies. “I have miniatures and real wheelie bins from USA, Australia, France, U.K. and Germany. Almost every color is available. The most valuable colors are purple, gold, silver and transparent,” he said. He hopes for a donation, but he’s willing to pay for the elusive purple wheelie. “Some people tell me, ‘Now I consider my wheelie bin from another angle.’”
Goals
Alexander Tominsky, 31, of Philadelphia invited the public to assemble and watch him eat an entire rotisserie chicken—for the 40th day in a row, The New York Times reported. Dubbed “The Chicken Man,” Tominsky placed fliers around Philly to advertise his consumption of the 40th bird, and dozens of people showed up at a pier on the Delaware River on Nov. 6 to watch. “Eat that bird!” they chanted. And he did. Why? He told the Times that much of the world is in pain, so he needed to do something painful to himself that would make others smile. After 40 days of cramping and bloating, Tominsky was looking forward to a sushi dinner.
Unclear on the Concept
As 61-year-old James Hodges—who is legally blind—walked down the street in Columbia County, Florida, on Oct. 31, Deputy Jayme Gohde noticed the walking stick folded up in Hodges’ back pocket and thought it was a gun. She stopped him and handcuffed him after he refused to produce his ID. But, The Washington Post reported, she and her sergeant learned he had no outstanding warrants, and he clearly wasn’t armed, so she was prepared to release him. Then Hodges asked for her name and badge number, and her sergeant said, according to body cam footage, “You know what, put him in jail for resisting.” On Nov. 7, charges against Hodges were dropped; on Nov. 8, Sheriff Mark Hunter announced that the sergeant had been demoted and Gohde was suspended for two days without pay. Both will receive remedial civil rights training. NEWS of the WEIRD What’s the Point? Japanese convenience store Lawson is testing a new candy that tastes like emptiness, Oddity Central reported. “Aji no Shinai? Ame,” or “Tasteless? Candy,” apparently has a slight odor but almost no flavor. The makers are hoping that people who use candy just to keep their mouths and throats moist will appreciate the flavorless variety.
Two Weirds for the Price of One
TSA officers at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport made a “hen you believe it?” (their pun, not ours) discovery on Nov. 8 as they screened luggage: a pistol stuffed inside a raw chicken. The Associated Press reported that both raw meat and firearms are allowed on airplanes—just not packed together. TSA posted a photo of the bang-bang chicken on its Instagram account but did not identify the traveler or whether it made any arrests.
Look, Up in the Sky!
Dustin Procita lives in rural northern California among cattle ranches and farms. On the evening of Nov. 4, Procita “heard a big bang. I started to smell smoke, and I went onto my porch, and it was completely engulfed in flames,” he told KCRA-TV. Procita saved one of his two dogs from the fire, which he believes was caused by a meteorite landing on his house. Video taken by people nearby shows a bright ball of light falling from the sky; the Taurid meteor showers were happening in that area when the fire occurred. Firefighters battled the blaze for several hours before getting it under control. Procita said he might have to buy a lottery ticket: “They said it’s a 1-in-4 trillion chance.”
Least Competent Criminals
n Two unnamed thieves stole merchandise from the Ross Dress for Less store in Springfield, Missouri, on Nov. 5, KY3-TV reported. They apparently then hopped into two separate cars to make their getaway—and crashed into each other. Police said the suspects tried to flee on foot but were quickly apprehended; they’ll face misdemeanor theft charges. n A man caught running out of a Vons supermarket in La Verne, California, on Nov. 8 with a cart full of Tide liquid laundry detergent turned out to be a murder suspect, KTLA-TV reported. Police arrested the unnamed man, who had 20 bottles of the soap, and then realized he had a $2 million warrant out for his arrest. The detergent was returned to the store.
Cute
Farmer Richard Nicholson of Cannon Hall Farm in Barnsley, England, wondered why his sheep were gradually turning pink, the BBC reported on Nov. 5. He thought farm workers were using spray markers “too enthusiastically,” but eventually realized the ewes were rubbing against a new, red feeder, and the color was bleeding onto them. “Visitors to the farm certainly do a double take when walking past,” Nicholson said. “They’re starting to look like a bunch of old ladies who’ve had the same hairdo.” His sheep get sheared only twice a year, so the flock will be “pink ladies” for a while.
But Why?
Stouffer’s—of TV dinner fame—has a new offering sure to appeal to ... Garfield? Stouffer’s Lasagna Inspired Bloody Mary Mix, the company’s first foray into drink mixes, claims to sport a “bold and savory” flavor, Food & Wine magazine reports. “For decades, Stouffer’s Lasagna has had a special place at holiday tables,” said Megan McLaughlin, the company’s brand marketing manager. Really? But here’s the good news: While you can’t buy the mixer, they’ll be giving away bottles starting at noon Eastern time on Nov. 14 through the online merchandise store. Mark your calendar! Send your weird news items to WeirdNewsTips@amuniversal.com
Julie “Bella” De Lay
Realtor 801-784-8618 bella@urbanutah.com
Selling homes for 8 years
POLITICIANS
Babs De Lay
Selling homes for 38 years in the Land of Zion
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