97.17

The Mocktower

March 29, 2023

Issue 17, Volume 97

Student Association social vice president impeached

Sanchez is out

We are sad to announce that Jacob Sanchez has finally been impeached this year.

Every couple of years, there will be a rare occasion in which an SA officer doesn’t fulfill their job requirements. These are always hard times for everyone involved because it often leads to other Student Association members needing to pick up the slack.

Reasons for impeachment can vary, but Sanchez was ousted primarily because of his extreme beliefs in a single banquet replacing the traditional two. One member of the student senate exclaimed that Sanchez has been “a disgrace to the position” because of his stance on the banquet. They said, “Why would we want to do our formal at a museum? What are we, 80?”

More reasons for impeachment came from SA stating that Sanchez has done literally nothing this year. When asked for

confirmation, he stated, “Yeah, I haven’t done a thing yet. Every time someone asked me about an event I just made something up. I think the only thing I planned this year was dodgeball. I would just say that we’re going to do something,

Former Social Vice President, Jacob Sanchez ©Shelby Jongema

Editor–in–Chief

Robert Tengker

Assistant Editor

Evan Majors

Lead Photographer

Brian Peoples

Assistant Photographer

Annika Cambigue

Assistant Photographer

Charles Metz

Layout Editor

Aubrey Benton

Assistant Layout Editor

Gabriel Sanders

Web Manager

Andrew Schwartz

Social Media Manager

Hannah Olin

NEWS

Editor

Mariah Lee-Wong

Student Life and CM

Arlyse Wash

SA, Senate and Safety

Reef Peckham

Academics and Residential

Joseph Lee

ENTERTAINMENT

Editor

Sidney Needles

Pop Culture

Shelby Jongema

Comedy

Justin Anderson

LIFESTYLE

Editor

Annelise Jacobs

Nebraska Politics

Lacey Stecker

Outlook

Chris Jacobo

Nebraska Life

Lyndsey Elsey

and somehow it actually happened. I have no idea how that worked.”

When inquiring with SA President Nelda Atuti about Sanchez’s replacement, she said, “Honestly, probably no one. We proved that this position is really not needed by having events all year basically without him, so why would we need someone there?” These comments were said in Sanchez’s last meeting which prompted him to sit there and cry.

The impeachment hearings were a wild ride, Sanchez appeared at Student Senate with three attorneys, including professors Matthew Graves and Carlton Robinson, thinking that Chief Justice John Roberts would be proceeding with the hearings. They made the (semi)strong argument that because Sanchez had not signed his contract for Student Association yet, he owed them “absolutely nothing,” and that this impeachment was “a witch hunt” trying to get the visionary behind the one banquet system out of there. The arguments failed abysmally and Sanchez lost the vote 12-0.

#RipVPSanchez

Andrew Schwartz is a senior business administration major from Lincoln, Neb.

Union Market adds real meat to the menu

Real meat is real neat

For as long as anyone can remember, the Union Market has been responsible for providing both faculty and students with food throughout the school year. Whether it be for breakfast, lunch or dinner, Union Market always has the meal covered. However, over the past year, students have stated their dissatisfaction and thoughts about the lack of food variety that falls outside of the vegetarian and vegan scope.

On March 27, the Union Market announced a major change that will take place in the cafeteria.The cafeteria decided to move away from their strict policy of only serving vegetarian and vegan options and start incorporating dishes and other food options that contain actual meat. This was done in order to cater to the existing population of students at Union College who are not vegetarian or vegan and prefer consuming meat. Union Market is currently in the process of changing the existing stocks of fake burger patties, sausages and meatballs with authentic ones that contain clean animal meat such as fish, chicken, beef and turkey.

According to an anonymous student, this decision was “a great decision by the Union Market staff, as students have long been wanting and waiting for more variety and choices when it comes to their daily meals.”

According to Union Market workers, the new change of policy will be implemented soon during the spring semester and will continue on until enough feedback from the students are received and weighed with other considerations included. It is expected that this policy will be in full effect sometime in the coming months.

The Mill on Prescott announces closure

Daily drinks are doomed

After over twenty years in business, residents of the College View neighborhood and the Union College community were saddened to learn earlier this week that the Mill, an iconic local coffee and tea shop known for its granitas, iced herbal teas and more, will be shutting its doors in a few short weeks.

The company’s top executives stated during a press conference at an undisclosed location that the difficult decision was reached after the recent opening of their newest location in Omaha on March 15, 2023. The extraordinary costs of the new location meant that costs had to be cut somewhere.

“While it is unfortunate that we can no longer provide our delicious drinks to the College View community, the low amount of sales since the pandemic make it no longer affordable to keep the location open,” stated one leader. “We encourage our customers to drive to one of our other excellent locations such as the one in Lincoln’s Historic Haymarket, which has much more convenient parking than our previous location.”

“I’ll really miss the chai lattes I get from the Mill,” said Evan Majors, a sophomore, when he heard the news. “I always have such great conversations with the barista and the other customers.”

Annelise Jacobs, Student Association president-elect and senior, could care less, however. She has disliked the Mill for several years. “I prefer Dunkin’ Donuts; their service and drinks are better and more affordable.”

Coming soon to Union Market ©Unsplash

Robert Tengker is sophomore nursing major from Redlands, Calif.

“I am shocked and saddened by the unfortunate closing of the Mill,” Stacy Stocks, Union College Dean of Students, shared, “It was such a fun place for students to meet up and study! We are grateful they have decided to donate all of their cafe furniture for use in our lobby and community rooms.” She’s not the only one worried. In fact, Student Success is considering using grant money to shuttle students downtown – they estimate that the Mill’s closure could impact students’ study habits so much that the college’s average GPA could drop by an entire point.

Something even more concerning is coming; however, as the popular fast food chain, McDonalds, has laid its eyes on the soon vacant premise. This has caused popular student activist and sophomore, Joshua James, to get involved.

“We can’t control a small business moving out of town, but there is no way we’re letting fast food pop up across the street from our campus,” he said. “This not only will kill the local economy but endanger the health of our

students with these greasy, non-vegetarian meals.”

James is staging a community-wide protest to try to stop the takeover. He invites concerned students to reach out to him for details via text message at (402) 937-1135.

Charles Metz is a sophomore theology major from Lincoln, Neb.

ON THE RADAR

THURS. 3/30/23

The Good Neighbor Show | Woods Auditorium, 10:35 a.m.

Last Day to Withdraw/Receive a ‘W’ | 5 p.m.

FRI. 3/31/23

CPR Skills Session | IRR #223, 9 a.m.

SAT. 4/1/23

The Well | CVC, 9:45 a.m.

Worship Service | CVC, 11:00 a.m.

People’s City Mission hot lunches | People’s City Mission, 1 p.m.

V2 | Woods Auditorium, 7 p.m.

MON. 4/3/23

General Student Recital | Engel Hall #201 , 7 p.m.

TUES. 4/5/23

Christ on Demand | Student Success, 7:30 p.m.

The Mill ©Shelby Jongema

Netflix to form new law enforcement agency

Keep your password to yourself

For some time now, rumors circulated that Netflix was looking into how they could stop users from sharing their passwords with their families and friends. Initially, Netflix planned to link users’ accounts to their respective IP addresses so that no one outside their households could use them. However, after much ridicule, Netflix has decided to take a different approach.

On March 22, 2023, Netflix’s co-chief executive officer Ted Sarandos made a shocking announcement. “We know that many users that read our announcement last month wondered how we would enforce our new password-sharing policy,” said Sarandos. “After much deliberation, we have decided to launch the Netflix Terms of Service Enforcement Agency.”

According to Sarandos, the NTSEA will function much like the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation, but the NTSEA will solely protect Netflix’s interest. By the end of 2023, Netflix hopes to hire approximately 3,000 special agents to travel the country to arrest those who attempt to share their password or use someone else’s password.

The United States Government quickly responded to Netflix’s bold strategy of assembling its own personal law enforcement agency. “Netflix can’t possibly expect to send armed officers, unregulated by the United States Department of Justice, into civilian homes for something that does not violate federal anti-piracy laws without consequence,” said United States Attorney General Merrick Garland at a recent press conference.

Netflix’s other co-CEO, Greg Peters, quickly responded. “I know that many people are concerned about the law enforcement agency Netflix is in the process of organizing. However, we must find an effective way to crack down on password-sharing. It cannot continue. At one time, Netflix encouraged password-sharing, but that’s so 2017. Why allow password-sharing when we could force everyone to purchase a subscription? We here at Netflix love money! We need to increase our profits because we’re not making enough. Ted and I are multimillionaires in a world of billionaires, and that’s just not fair.”

The NTSEA and the DOJ are already butting heads. FBI director Christopher Wray has issued a warning to Netflix, saying, “If Netflix chooses to move forward with the establishment of the NTSEA, the FBI will have no choice but to get involved.”

“We all know that the FBI is all bark and no bite when it comes to anti-piracy,” said Peters. “If you want something done right, do it yourself!”

Only time will tell if the NTSEA comes to fruition, but it seems that we are entering a new era of the streaming wars.

Netflix ©The Verge

Evan Majors is a sophomore English major from Lincoln, Neb.

Canvas controversy

Instructure’s new feature causes discourse

classes if Canvas actually goes through with this idea. What’s the point in having exams if students can just pay some money for a better grade? This is insanity! We don’t even know what Instructure’s goal is here,” said academic dean Bruce Forbes. “We may have to consider changing our academic application — again. We can’t have graduates in their respective fields who’ve essentially paid Canvas for their respective fields who’ve essentially paid Canvas for their degree.”

Last week, the educational technology company Instructure, which owns Union College’s online academic application Canvas, announced a controversial new feature that has put students and professors at odds and caused upheaval among Union’s academic administration.

Instructure’s chief executive officer Steve Daly announced Canvas’ new subscriptionbased feature for students. “Starting next month, Canvas will be rolling out a new feature for students only. For just $49.99 a month, students can have the ability to alter their grades for the course of their choosing. Students will also have the option to purchase a subscription of $499.99 a year which gives them the ability to alter their grades for all of their courses.”

This announcement has obviously caused academic administrators to go into a state of panic. While students are welcoming the new feature with open arms, professors have become very concerned about how this will affect students actually completing their assignments as opposed to just paying Canvas to change their poor grades. “We are not sure how we can properly assess students’ skills and progress in their

Even though the academic administration is livid about the new service, students, especially graduating seniors with advancedstage senioritis, are very excited by it. “This is my last semester. I don’t care anymore. Canvas can have my money if it means I can pass grammatical systems with minimal effort,” said senior English and communication major Lacey Stecker. “I’m on my way out, so I might as well make the most of it. I only wish that this feature was a thing back during lockdown and Zoom classes!”

Canvas’ bizarre new feature clearly has its fans and haters. Many think that Instructure is only causing itself problems in the long run. Institutions could easily switch to an application that does not offer the feature. However, other companies may be adopting a similar feature to better compete with Canvas. Pearson plc CEO Andy Bird said, “We like Instructure’s new marketing strategy here. We may consider something like this for PowerSchool.”

Canvas seems to be set on launching its new service. Now, all students and faculty can do is anxiously await Union’s response.

Canvas ©Instructure

Evan Majors is a sophomore English major from Lincoln, Neb.

The end is nigh

Prepare for bartering during the apocalypse now

What will the Girl Scouts want from us poor, unfortunate souls? They’ll want our skills. If they need to be driven across the wasteland, you’ll have to take them. Wi-Fi stopped working? For two boxes of Trefoils the surviving computer nerds will fix anything. They may also desire weaponry such as sling shots and cookie cutters.

The signs of the Girl Scouts rising will be subtle. Bakeries will shut down without warning. Oreos will disappear from stores. People will forget the goodness of Chips Ahoy. Desperation for tart Lemonades will grow. Then will the Girl Scouts come to save us from our detox.

No matter how hard we try, it can no longer be ignored: the apocalypse is coming. In fact, some might argue it’s already begun. As we all know, paper money will become useless as governments fall. Doomsayers often say that you need to invest in gold to barter come the end of the world. I disagree. It’s the same governments who make paper money valuable that give gold its value. No — gold will not be useful. The true currency that will reign supreme is Girl Scout Cookies.

I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. In the event of the end, who could possibly be better prepared than the Girl Scouts? Yeah, the Boy Scouts spend years learning to camp in extreme conditions, but do they have a chokehold on the hottest commodity to hit every single spring? No! They wouldn’t survive a day trying to barter beef jerky or overcooked biscuits. They’d be thrown out of the social order before they could whip out their sweet knot tying skills.

The Girl Scouts have been preparing to take over the world for years. Through shrewd business planning and creating mass dependency on Thin Mints, the Girl Scouts have become the next global system. We desperately need our cookie fix and the Girl Scouts are all too prepared to give it to us … for a price.

The time to stock up on our future currency is now. Girl Scout cookies can only skyrocket in price as the world comes to an end. The girls are prepared, and we should be too. Go find your local Girl Scout; your mother’s coworker’s daughter, that table outside Walmart or that weird neighbor. Purchase your Thin Mints, Samoas and Dosi-dos. The end of the world is coming. Are you prepared?

Off the menu and out of this world

8 secret menu items at the Union cafeteria

Recently, I have been walking through the cafeteria checkout line with some absurdly cheap to-go boxes and no one has questioned at all. Nothing to see here, just a guy enjoying the mystery food that no one at the register checks. As it turns out, there is a secret

Girl Scouts ©Trillest

Lacey Stecker is a senior English and communication major from Noblesville, Ind.

menu at the cafeteria which I have been ordering from and I can’t get enough of it. I discovered the secret menu a while back and have kept it a secret from a lot of the students at Union College, but now I feel that it is time to share it. Below are the eight menu items that are my favorite to get and the code words to say to get them. A scrumptious bounty awaits you!

1. The Hedgehog: Just like the fast and blue runner, Sonic the Hedgehog, we humans also like chili-covered food items. I bring you the chili cheese fries. These are well-seasoned fries with pepper, salt, and maybe a little Lawry’s seasoning salt, topped with a load of homemade chili and your choice of cheese.

2. Curly Ginger: These are the fries for those that can stomach spice: cajun fries. This kind of fry is not for sensitive eaters or those with weak stomachs. So beware and eat with caution.

3. Irish Flapjacks: This item is quite special and dear to my heart. It’s potato cakes! If there is one item that I miss when I go to college, it’s pancakes. When the tater tots aren’t enough, I call in the chef and ask for a batch of potato pancakes.

4. Shenandoah: Not only can you make pancakes with regular potatoes, but you can also make them with sweet potatoes. That is exactly what the Shenandoah is: a sweet potato pancake. These come with a special syrup that is made of cinnamon and cream.

5. The Happy: Not only does this item always bring me joy but it’s healthy. This is the fruit salad. It contains apples, pears, peaches, bananas, pineapple, and oranges with a drop of lemon juice on top.

6. The Floater: This is my all-time favorite since I was a kid and can’t live without it - the root beer float. This can be made with chocolate or vanilla ice cream and any choice of root beer (you must provide your own root beer).

7. The Orchard: This item is something that you can get any season at Cracker Barrel and it’s a good one - cooked apples. This item can be excellently paired with a waffle or even one of the pancake options.

8. Nectar: This last item isn’t a food, but a drink that one must enjoy on a cold day - apple cider. This drink is traditionally seasonal, but through the right channels, you get anything your heart desires. This drink keeps the hands warm while sitting in the cafeteria booths on those cold snowy days.

I hope you enjoy these fun menu items and, maybe in the future, you can make your own. Now go out and try some new secret options at your nearest Union Market!

Secret Menu

©Reef Peckham

Gabriel Sanders is a sophomore English major from Apopka, Fla.

Elderly pickleballer ring

found in missile silo during spring break

What’s the big “dill?”

officers were met with a shocking scene. Sustin Dauder, one of the officers who carried out the raid, shared a few words describing his experience.

“It isn’t too unexpected to get an anonymous tip or noise complaint. There’s nothing more valuable to Nebraskans than their peace and quiet. We don’t get too many noise complaints from the rurals though. What are they going to complain about? Cows getting’ too talkative? The wind rattling the cornstalks? I surely wasn’t expecting to see around a hundred screaming fans packed like sardines around a pickleball match.” Officer Dauder also mentioned a peculiarity regarding the players themselves.

While most of the students at Union College were blissfully springbreaking across the country, the thread of a new and horrifying criminal threat was unraveling in the rurals of our home away from home. On Saturday night, March 11, an underground pickleball tournament was raided by LPD at the abandoned nuclear missile silos of eastern Nebraska. This report aligns with increasing crime rates in communities across metropolitan Lincoln and poses a unique threat to the rule of Nebraskan law.

In recent times, pickleball has taken the midwestern recreational scene by storm. As the moderate middle sibling of ping pong and tennis, the sport is inclusive to players of all ages. First on the pickleball scene was the elderly population, who used it as a form of cardiovascular exercise and hand-eye coordination practice. In recent years, pickle fever has spread to younger demographics.

At 12:11 a.m. on the night of the bust, LPD was tipped off by a noise complaint. While the caller chose to remain anonymous, they were most likely a concerned farmer from the area or a rival badminton fan, passionately opposed to pickleball on principle. Upon arrival, LPD

“They were all elderly folk. Looked to be around 70 on average if I had to guess. But, man, could those seniors pickle! No wonder there was a crowd! Might’ve been tempted to spectate myself if I wasn’t on duty.”

At this point, a diligent reader would no doubt question the illegality of the tournament. What’s so harmful about some twilight pickleball among senior citizens? The official LPD report outlines the specific charges, which included trespassing, illegal gambling, and possession of illegal substances. Additionally, almost all of the elderly picklers were in violation of their nursing home curfew regulations.

While the majority of onlookers, bookies, and vendors evaded arrest amid the chaos of the raid, many of the elderly players — unable to run very fast — were taken in. One impressively agile player, Pancy Netta, was projected by many to win the tournament and exclaimed, “I should’ve kept my teaching job!” to reporters while being carried by three officers to the nearest police car.

Sidney Needles is a senior international relations and history major from Centralia, Mo.

Bust location

©Google Maps

Guillotine to be introduced to Nebraska’s justice system

Off with their heads

With the passage of Legislative Bill 714, as of April 1, 2023, all executions in Nebraska will be performed with the guillotine. LB 714 was introduced by State Senator Max Pierre.

Before LB 714, Nebraska followed other states in using lethal injection for the primary method of execution. Many issues surround lethal injection, including instances where prison officials were unable to establish an intravenous line to administer the drugs, which happened twice last year in Alabama. Inability to find a vein can cause the procedures to take hours or be postponed to a later date. There have also been cases of needles coming disengaged and issues with the drugs, which can cause the inmates a great deal of pain and emotional distress.

Pierre spoke to The Clocktower about the inspiration behind LB 714: “The death penalty was on my mind, along with many concerns that people have about the inhumane aspects of lethal injection. I just thought there has to be a better solution.” The unconventional solution came to Pierre from an unconventional source: cheese.

Pierre was on vacation with his family when they toured Tillamook, a manufacturer of cheese and ice cream. During Tillamook’s cheese-making process, curds are compressed into a tower-like machine. Each tower holds 800 pounds of curds which places pressure onto the bottom layer. This compressed bottom layer is cut into 40-pound blocks by a guillotine. While the contraption referred to as the guillotine doesn’t precisely resemble the beheading

machine of France, it was enough to inspire Pierre.

He states, “I hadn’t thought about the guillotine since my high-school history class covered the French Revolution, but it seemed like the perfect solution.” The guillotine was created by French doctor Joseph-Igance Guillotin in 1789. While the guillotine is messy, it was created in order to be efficient. And, most importantly, compared to lethal injection, Pierre argues it is far more humane.

The passage of LB 714 is historic, as the last execution by guillotine took place on September 10, 1977 in Marseille, France. Four years later, the country outlawed capital punishment.

New Nebraska guillotines ©Musée de la Révolution française

Aubrey Benton is a junior international relations major from Smithsburg, Md.

Ellen White AI to launch in June

ChatEGW will “continue the work,” say supporters

Not only can ChatEGW share what White wrote about any topic, it can also predict what she would have said.

“My whole life, my parents and pastors have critiqued me by saying Sister White wouldn’t approve of this or that,” said Sylvester. “But she never wrote anything about the Marvel Cinematic Universe, jeans with holes, or smartphones — at least not that I can tell. I created ChatEGW to find out once and for all what she would have said.”

Supporters of ChatEGW say that it will keep the Adventist church in line with its original mission. “I’ve always felt like our denomination wasn’t putting enough importance on Ellen White’s teachings,” said church member Nathan Sweet, “Who knows, maybe in a couple years ChatEGW will be advanced enough that we can elect it General Conference President?”

The Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary is partnering with the Ellen G. White Estate and OpenAI to create ChatEGW, an artificial intelligence chatbot trained by the complete works of Adventist pioneer Ellen White. The project’s goal is to create a digital version of White for use in instructing Adventists in 21st-century matters.

Considered a prophet by Seventh-day Adventists, White died in 1915. She was a prolific writer who authored 40 books and over 5,000 articles during her lifetime. The creators of ChatEGW say that’s not enough.

“Sister White wrote so much during the years of her living ministry,” said lead programmer Jaxon Sylvester. “It’s really a shame that we can’t keep those writings coming. Well, now with AI, we have the next best thing.”

But the project does have its naysayers. “Have we lost our minds?” said Elder Tom Jacobs. “We’re the People of the Book, not the chatbot. While I completely believe in Ellen White’s gift of prophecy and her guidance for the church, I don’t think that an AI is the way to keep her memory alive. My tithe money better not be funding this.”

ChatEGW is set to launch in June and will be available to the general public. Sylvester expects that the launch will be seamless, unless the program self-destructs. He said, “I am a little worried that Ellen White would have been horrified to think her work was being put on a pedestal, and that the bot made in her image will shut itself down.”

Ellen G. White ©Wikipedia

Annika Cambigue is a junior communication and english student from Dayton, Ohio.

DISCLAIMER: The Mocktower is the official annual April Fool’s issue. The articles are fabricated and are intended for entertainment purposes only.

The Clocktower encourages reader feedback and strives to maintain accuracy. If you have comments, please email cltower@gmail.com.

The Clocktower, established in 1927 and sponsored by the Student Association of Union College, is published weekly during the fall and spring semesters. The opinions expressed are the opinions of the writers and are not to be construed as the opinions of the editors, Student Association, Union College or the Seventh-day Adventist Church.