THE DECEIT OF DATING Bad Grandpa;

Has anyone haunted you so much that you’ve had to hit the pause or delete button on your apps? And the title? Yes, it is as you’d expect. He could be someone’s grandpa. This love story lasted 3 hours, end to end, it was the quickest shit show I’d ever partaken in, which, I guess, is the bigger silver lining here and I ended up deleting Hinge YET AGAIN!

I always feel quite sceptical when a man messages on a dating app with his opening line as “I don’t like many women on here, but I like you.” Well, I’m sure not many women like you either bud, but here I am, entertaining it. It’s a standard Tuesday at work, I’m a bit bored, up to my ears in spreadsheets, so let’s see what this one has to say. Make my day, or at the very least, be my content for this column.

We started the back and forth. He was 42, lived and worked nearby, conventionally attractive and the conversation was just another bog standard talking stage to be honest. At least he wasn’t odd… yet.

The conversation quickly moved on at warp speed, his choice not mine. We exchanged Instagrams which is fine by me, you can always tell something about a person from their profile. His résumé was impressive and looked as he said he did. Although, the thing about Bad Grandpas is that they love filters, so you can never be sure… but in his case, it was all Botox.

We spoke on Instagram. The voice notes were coming in thick and fast. It was comforting. He provided that homely north London twang which feels so familiar. I was kind of getting sick of the Clapham local dialect. So far so goodish. We are two hours in. And then it happens. “I really need to speak to you about something, it’s really urgent.”

What on earth is the emergency after 2 hours of knowing me?

Hesitantly I give him my number. I was less than enthusiastic but that didn’t stop his persistence. I roll my eyes as my phone starts ringing. Patience is a virtue I’m lacking as of late because of people like him. I pick up with a lack lustre hello.

We begin by having a fairly standard getting to know each other conversation. I ask the question about his previous relationship, as you do. He acted like I’d just insulted his granny. So offended I’d asked because he believes that speaking about exes ruins the beginning stages of a new relationship. In my humble opinion, if you’re not willing to answer why you’re single at your big age of 42, you’re hiding something.

Going from not wanting to discuss it to chewing my ear off for 30 minutes about how his ex was a narcissist threw me off entirely. He hit me with everything but the kitchen sink; using all the self-help relationship buzzwords to describe how awful she was and how he was the victim. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have believed him. But, unfortunately for him, I do know better.

He then continued an extremely long-winded rant about the failure of society due to an increase in feminism. He spoke just like an Incel and now it all made sense why he was single. Apparently, “women are far too masculine these days and that’s caused the demise of a traditional home and the role of a woman.” The last time I checked, his hero was locked up in a prison in Romania for sex trafficking so let’s not take him too seriously.

I tried to hurry the conversation along because I was bored. “You had something important to speak about?” To the point, I’m tired and you’ve drained me. “Yes. I thought it’s best to be honest before we move forward because I don’t like to start a potential new relationship with deceit.”

Well, his confidence was certainly misplaced in this scenario because he was definitely not going to speak to me again after that phone call. “Go on.” I usher.

“I’m not really 42. How old do you think I am?” He chuckles. “I’m not playing this game with you.” I snap back. “I’m 53” he retorts as he chuckles. My blood was boiling. “Sorry?! You’re old enough to be my dad. What would I possibly have in common with someone your age? We are on two very different paths.”

“Most girls I tell don’t mind it at all, I’m not sure why you do? So, because of my age, you don’t want to consider dating me? So, you’re ageist?” I respond, “I don’t feel like we would have much in common and to be honest, I’m not comfortable that you lied and I don’t think we are aligned.” He says, “It’s because women are too masculine, that’s why they’re threatened by an older man.”

“Well, have you ever considered that women may be more defensive because you make them feel uncomfortable? Because I’m feminine when a man makes me feel safe and you’ve just had my back up the whole time. This is probably a YOU problem which you may need to address.” At this point I think I was frothing at the mouth.

Firstly, don’t gaslight me and diminish my feelings about the fact that you heinously under declared your age and lied. I’m not ok with it. If I wanted to date a man who was over 50, I would set my dating preferences as that on Hinge. I haven’t. Even 42 is a stretch for me. Not because there is anything wrong with it, I am just entitled to my preferences.

However; if we had met out, and we spoke and I enjoyed his conversation and he told me from the very start how old he was, I probably wouldn’t care. But let’s be clear, the conversation was borderline offensive, he clearly has an inherent hatred for women and he is insecure about his age and projecting that onto me. It’s not my job to heal you. I’ve known you for three hours.

What he did was predatory. He told me he doesn’t like women his age because he looks much younger (because he actively tries to with Botox and fillers) and women at his age are more set in their ways with more baggage and are too independent.

Now to translate: He’s looking for someone younger, who he thinks is more malleable, who can help him relive the youth he’s hanging onto dear life for. Someone who he can parade around and show off because, apparently, it’s ok for men to date down but not ok for women to and an age gap big enough that you could’ve wiped my arse as a kid is ok, but not ok enough for you to put this as your real age on your Hinge profile.

Thirdly, you’re cheating your way into a pool of women who wouldn’t necessarily go for you so you talk to them long enough to entice them in before you tell them the truth, if at all. Because maybe you decide you just want to hit it then quit it, in which case, they needn’t know. But you couldn’t do that with me, because you’re only a mile down the road, we have mutuals and we all know about my investigation skills.

This wasn’t just a kittenfishing scenario (where you bend the truth slightly by 1-2 years), this was a full-blown catfish of 11 years! Word of warning to everyone out there. If he lies about his age, consider this a red flag, especially if it’s a big age gap. Every single person who has ever lied to me about their age has gone on to lie about so much more.

Also, take it seriously. I’m not saying this person would have gone for a 20-year-old, but what’s stopping him? In his head, he passes for mid thirties and he constantly told me he gets approached by women in their 20’s, so where’s the limit in men ‘dating down’? He didn’t get his way with me because I didn’t need anything he would offer to someone who is younger and maybe a little bit ‘greener’. Just tread with caution and don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you have done something wrong by not wanting to date a lying grandad. After all, it’s all about your preference.