The 3-Hour Pitch

Last month, I told you all about my unexpected fertility journey; that a girl’s trip to Cyprus turned into hormone injections and very chubby ovaries, not to mention relentless crying and hand to face ‘why me, God!?’ moments.

My hormonal bloat has begun to subside, the tears have all dried up and I’ve left seven goodlooking chunky baby makers on freeze in Cyprus!

In fertility speak, the result was a good one but an optimal amount would be over ten, just because of the gruelling process those little things go through when you’re ready to make babies. I go back near the end of the year to complete one more retrieval round and let’s hope there’s no shortage of eggs like our wonderful UK supermarkets.

It does also help that I met a guy out in Cyprus who, dare I say it, am rather excited to go back and see. I did offer him a deal on half a dozen eggs but he politely declined… for now. I suspect he’ll come round to the idea. I showed him this paragraph and he reminded me that he’s not just ‘a guy’ but ‘a guy who is chiselled by the Gods.’ There you go.

But let’s not put all our eggs in one basket… see what I did there? I’ve got the goods, but who will be the lucky recipient? Right now, I have the sex drive of a Panda, so there is no one! Big Mouth has lost her groove once again. Not because I’m in a funk, it’s the complete opposite in fact, I’m the happiest I have ever been and don’t want someone’s son sending me into an existential crisis.

We are in dangerous territory. It only dawned on me a few days ago that this was who I’d become. My friend and I had just finished a morning gym session, we were pumped. On our way home, we drove past a familiar Range Rover and a familiar man we affectionally call ‘Bebegim’, because of the sweet nothings he whispered in my ear before threatening me with the best sex of my life and keeping me up until sunrise. Just an FYI, we haven’t played out this fictional story, nor do I intend to.

“I think that was Bebegim” I said. “Oh, really, but he doesn’t live round here, right?” This is why I’m friends with her, she remembers every conversation, date, dramatic situation and reminds me of every chilling mistake I’ve ever made.

“Do you remember his license plate?” she asks. “No, I knew the guy for three hours.” We both chuckled. “How long did you give the Instagram live singer?” She randomly asks. “Three hours.”

I say. “Didn’t you give Bad Grandpa about the same time?” “Yeah, you’re right, I did.” We look at each other and it was like the proverbial lightbulb had dinged.

“Hold on, how long did you give Mr. Rugby Player?”

“THREE HOURS”. That was it. Car stopped. Engine off. Tears rolling down our cheeks from laughter. I had unravelled. I have made myself so entirely inaccessible that I had compartmentalised these men into 3-hour time slots in my life. That roughly works out to a little talking stage, physical date, then a little bit of fade out texting spanning 2 or 3 days after.

I have a busy career, I write screenplays, I write this column, we are filming the new podcast, I then need to spend time with my soul food people and there are days when I speak to only myself. These are all the things which genuinely make me the happiest. If I’m adding you into the mix, you’d have to knock my socks off from the moment I meet you or you’re not coming in. Take your sporadic 3 hours and be grateful. But that won’t work either. It would be great to share the bed with something other than my remote control, book, laptop and retainer. So now what?

Google couldn’t help me as every article I read was about dating after heartbreak or low self-esteem, I can’t relate anymore, I’ve become allergic to suffering. I put my thinking cap on and came up with my own list of how to start dating when you’re at the top of your game. So, here goes.

1. Set boundaries with your schedule.

Back then, I clearly filled every waking moment with things to do just so I didn’t have to deal with hurt and healing; I just wanted to feel normality outside of relationship driven emotions. The great thing is, I have reconnected with the things I love and I’m a better version of my former self. Now I need to make a conscious effort to set aside time to date, to get to know someone, and let someone in.

2. Decide what you want.

If you put all my exes and the guys I’ve dated in a line up, you’d have no idea what my type is. Same here sis. My friend told me I should write a list of non-negotiable attributes for a relationship, then list the physical attributes that make my knees go weak. Sounds like a great idea, I have tried at least a handful of times and can’t do it. I probably avoid dating because I don’t know what I want. It’s like walking into TK Maxx with no idea of what you’re looking for... hours of wasted time. Make a list and date based on that.

3. Set a timeline of when you’ll start dating again.

I love my life but I don’t want to be on my own forever so I need to set a start date. Let’s have that hot girl/ hot project summer and promise to get back into the dating game in Autumn. You may have a lingering tan from the summer you can put to good use when someone will finally see you naked! You can have those cosy walks in oversized sweats and New Balances when the leaves turn brown and the air is crisp. I’ll aim for September to get this love machine going.

If you see me in Groveland’s Park on a walking date, just throw a wave and a wink. You’ll know what I look like by then, you can tell me if he’s a goodun or not. You’re all in this with me now!

4. Ignore the rules of dating.

Do what you want and trust me, the right person will have the same energy you do. If you want to text back in 0.5 seconds, do it. If you want to facetime that guy, go for it sis, if you want to sleep with him on the first date, do your thing. If you want to wait, by all means Mama, and the right person will match your vibe. Forget everything you’ve ever been told about the rules of dating. The rules are, there isn’t any.

5. Leave your house for stuff other than work.

Now don’t get me wrong, I go to some pretty cool places for work but I’m always there with other guys talking shop. I think my type would probably reside somewhere in these places but I’m not about to get chatted up by Marco, the PR director, when I’m at a table with two other guys working out production schedules. Just go let your hair down. The last time I did that was in Cyprus, and I met someone, but let’s try and do that on home turf, it makes for an easier relationship.

6. Be vulnerable

Ok, ok, I know I have to do this more, and I know realistically I compartmentalise these guys because it’s easier to cut them off than for me to feel vulnerable. Face your fears, break down that fortress, brick by brick, let people in. Become comfortable in the fact that you may get dumped a few times and vice versa but you’re getting closer to your dream partner by doing so. I know when I was at the peak of my dating, every guy I met was a step up from the last. There’s safety in numbers and experience. Soon you can build back the fortress around your castle and live happily ever after.

I’ll see you in September in Groveland’s, with a coffee, a borrowed dog and a man in a Patagonia gilet.

Blueberry & lemon thyme FRIANDS

Friands always feel a little more special than a muffin or cupcake, yet they’re no more effort. Lemon thyme adds an elegantly fragrant note here. Pack into a tin and wait for the happy reaction when you reveal your treasure. A traditional friand tin with oval holes can be used instead of a regular muffin tin if you have one.

Makes 12

Prep 20 mins

Cook 40 mins

Ingredients

200g unsalted butter, plus 10g for greasing • 70g plain flour, plus extra for dusting • 200g icing sugar, plus extra for dusting • 150g ground almonds

• ½ tsp fine salt • 5 egg whites (about 200g) • 1 unwaxed lemon, zest of all, juice of ½ • 1½ tbsp lemon thyme leaves, chopped, plus extra to serve • 150g pack Essential Blueberries

• 10g flaked almonds

Icing

60g icing sugar

• 2 tsp lemon juice

Method

Preheat the oven to 180°C, gas mark 4. Melt 200g butter in a small saucepan over a low heat, then tip into a bowl and set aside to cool for 15 minutes. Meanwhile, melt the remaining 10g butter in the same pan and use to grease a 12-hole muffin tin. Dust the muffin holes with flour, tilting to coat the sides, then tap out the excess; chill.

Sift the flour and icing sugar into a large bowl, then add the ground almonds and salt; mix to combine. Put the egg whites in a separate bowl and use a fork to froth them up for a few seconds. Pour into the dry ingredients with the cooled, melted butter. Stir until incorporated, then add the lemon zest, juice and lemon thyme. Mix into a batter. Fold through 50g blueberries.

Remove the muffin tin from the fridge and divide the batter between the 12 holes. Scatter over the flaked almonds and add a few blueberries to each. Bake for 30-35 minutes until golden and a skewer inserted comes out clean. Leave to cool for 10-15 minutes before easing the friands from the tin. Allow to cool completely.

For the icing, sift the icing sugar into a bowl and stir in the lemon juice. Drizzle over the cakes and scatter over extra lemon thyme leaves.

Ring Doughnuts

Method

Makes 8

Prep 45 mins

Cook 15 mins

Ingredients

250g plain flour, plus extra for kneading • ½ tsp easy bake yeast • 30g caster sugar • 125ml whole milk • 50g unsalted butter, softened • 1 egg • Vegetable oil, for greasing

For the glaze

125g icing sugar, plus extra as needed • 40g Essential Raspberry Jam • ½ lemon, juice, plus extra as needed • ½ tsp Cooks’ Ingredients Pink Gel Colouring (optional) • ½ x 80g pot Cooks’ Ingredients 100s & 1000s

In a medium bowl, mix the flour and salt, then make a well in the centre, adding the yeast and sugar. Heat the milk until just warm (not too hot as you can kill the yeast) and pour into the well. Set aside for 1 minute. Add the butter and egg, beating with a fork to break it up. Continue mixing until you have a cohesive, slightly sticky dough. Cover and let rest for 10 minutes. On a lightly floured work surface, knead the dough vigorously for 30 seconds-1 minute. Cover with the bowl and let rest again for 10 minutes. Repeat the kneading, using a little extra flour as needed. Return to the bowl, cover and set aside in a warm place until doubled in size (about 1 hour).

Transfer the proved dough to a lightly floured surface and knead briefly to knock out excess air bubbles (this will help produce an even crumb in the final doughnuts). Roll out the dough to 1cm thickness. Cut out rounds using a floured 9cm cookie cutter, then remove holes from the centre of each round with a smaller 4cm cutter. Sit both parts, evenly spaced, on a large sheet of baking parchment. Reroll the remaining dough and repeat until you’ve used it all (you should have about 8 ring doughnuts plus their small centres). Loosely cover the doughnuts with a damp tea towel. Set aside to prove until doubled in size (30-45 minutes). Meanwhile, make the glaze. Sift the icing sugar into a medium bowl. Put the raspberry jam in the sieve, pressing it through with the back of a spoon and scraping the underside so only the smooth jam gets added to the icing sugar. Discard the seeds. Add the lemon juice and food colouring (if using) and whisk until you have a smooth icing. It should be thick enough to coat the back of a spoon yet loose enough to drizzle; add a few drops of water or lemon juice if it’s too thick, or a few extra teaspoons of icing sugar to thicken, as needed. Once risen, carefully place 2 whole ring doughnuts and their centres into the cooking vessel of the air fryer (onto the raised cooking plate), evenly spaced apart. Insert the vessel into the air fryer then cook on ‘air fry’ at 180oC for 3 minutes, until you have puffed lightly golden doughnuts (cook for 1 more minute if you’d like a little more colour). Transfer to a wire rack set over a baking tray and repeat until all the dough is cooked.

Carefully dip the top of each doughnut (rings and minis) into the icing to generously coat. Sit upright on the rack and straight away sprinkle over some 100s & 1000s. Repeat with the remaining doughnuts and glaze. Let sit for a few minutes before serving. These are best enjoyed fresh but will keep for 5 days in an airtight container.