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My Unexpected FERTILITY JOURNEY

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NETFLIX

NETFLIX

I’m on day five of hormone stimulating injections and I’m not just feeling physically beat up, I am mentally, in the pits. I want to share my story with you in case you are planning for your future, I’m not sure what you want or if you needed a sign to just go on and do it!

A couple of years ago, I took the steps in the UK to investigate fertility options. I decided on egg freezing because my boyfriend was an idiot, I could see the beginning of the end already AND, I was in my thirties. I did the initial tests and positively, my results were great. I was advised at the time that I should consider moving forward with the treatment sooner rather than later as my egg reserves would not be getting any better and I wasn’t getting any younger. I knew the cost of the procedure and at the time, it didn’t take much to put me off the idea. I sat and spoke with my friend who convinced me that there was no point in doing it. The success rate was seriously low, the cost is radical compared to the results you could potentially get, and I should just leave it up to God.

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I have always been a firm believer in God’s plan, but I also believe that YOU make choices in your life that will impact YOUR future. When opportunities present themselves, we decide whether we take them or not. In this case, I should’ve listened to my gut. Two years later, that same friend apologised for the shoddy advice and recommended I have it done ASAP. My first piece of advice, trust your gut. I’ve said it before, your gut is your future self-telling you to act.

Roll onto the current day, May 2023 and I’ve booked a trip to Cyprus with the girls for a little getaway! I decided that whilst on this trip, I would go and have my initial tests done to move the process forward. I had opted to do it in Cyprus because it’s more cost effective and the success rates in Cyprus have been proven time and time again. I didn’t even think of a worst-case scenario because my results were so good two years ago. What could’ve changed?

My appointment was booked on day three of my trip. The plan was to do the initial tests now and then come back to Cyprus in September to stay and complete the procedure. Plan A was already underway. My initial consultation was good. The doctor recommend we start with an ultrasound to check my uterus and ovaries for any abnormalities. To my dismay, the results were not great. The doctor turned to me and said my egg reserve looks low. My heart sank, after it broke. This was not the news I was expecting at all.

I asked the question “Is it low low, or normally low for my age?” “Just low.” He said. I couldn’t even find the energy to dig deeper into the conversation. I think we were a little lost in translation, but my Greek is pretty good, so I got the gist. “We would need to get the blood tests back in order to know for sure, but it looks low, and I would advise you to come back soon to complete the treatment.” I cried all the way home in the car.

I was due on my period, but it was a little delayed so wasn’t sure if I could have the tests done whilst I was here. Timing is everything. For me to know my AMH levels (Anti Mullerian Hormone, which is a strong indicator of egg reserve), I needed to be on the second or third day of my period. My period came just in time. I was due to fly back on Monday, but I was able to get the blood tests arranged for Monday morning.

I woke up that morning with my gut telling me to not to fly back home, to stay and go it alone. I had my bloods in the morning and then arranged for flight changes and new accommodation so I could stay on until the end of May. I think the rush of everything had taken my mind off the severity of what I was about to undergo. It was only after when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew this would be a rollercoaster. I was not prepared. I had to put on my Big Girl pants and do what I needed to. I cried for 14 hours the following day once everyone had flown back home. When I was asked why I was so emotional, I knew exactly why.

Firstly, this was a stark reminder that I wasted a lot of time on people who did not deserve it, especially the last 6 years. I was promised time and time again that we would be together, and we would have children, I believed the breadcrumbs and the lies even though I knew he wasn’t right for me. I should’ve left in the first year, instead, I prolonged the pain for another five and here I am. I’m not saying I am not happy with the person I have become because of that experience, in fact, I’m the best version of me I have ever been, but to sit here and almost be forced to do this procedure to safeguard me, hurts.

If I say it once, I will say it one thousand times over, don’t waste your time on people who you know are not right for you, who string you along until they move on and find their happy ending and leave you in Cyprus, in panic mode, injecting yourself every night and crying into another kebab. At least the kebabs are good!

Secondly, whilst I am in the process of preserving life, I am not speaking to the woman who has given me life. Irrespective of the trials and tribulations we both face in our mother daughter relationship, in that moment, all I wanted was a hug from my mum to reassure me I was doing the right thing. It just so happened that I called my mum that day because I couldn’t deal with this on my own and in another bizarre turn of events, she was also in Cyprus. I managed to spend two wonderful days with her where we hugged, we cried, we wiped the slate clean, and we decided to continue forward together. I am still fortunate to have my mum and it took this situation to make me realise that even if it may not be the closest bond, we are bonded, and I should take the time to have a relationship with her in whichever capacity that may be. When it got tough, she was the only person I wanted to see.

Thirdly, I had never felt so alone in my entire life. I’m in a foreign country, albeit my homeland, undergoing a gruelling regimen of hormone injections with both physical and mental side effects and I’m alone. Every emotion or fear you have is heightened in this process. I have always felt like a bit of a loner, even though I have so many amazing friends and family, and this just heightened that sadness for me.

I am on day 5 now, the effects are getting worse. I have severe bloating, my period symptoms are elevated to a different level and I’m scared. But I’m also optimistic. I am grateful that I’m in a position to do this and work from here to try and continue on as normal as possible. I know some women are not able to do this at such short notice, that’s why I want to tell as many of you to plan for the future, because you don’t know what will happen.

The outcome is still unknown but I’m hopeful it’ll be a positive one. I’ll be sure to update you on my next column.

Lots of a love from a very bloated, very gassy

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