Chloe Medcalf
When making this book I asked for stories from people and allowed their identity and name to be changed if they wished and to share as much or as little as they wanted. These are their stories to tell not mine, it must be on their terms. When telling these stories, there are illustration related to the story, the story they told me and photographs of cut out dolls. Each doll represents the woman who told their story and the clothes they wore when theire assault happened. The clothing they were wearing may be deemed as ‘appropriate’ or ‘inappropriate’, yet people are still blamed for this. It is not their fault and never will be. Women are treated as play things not real people with complex emotions. When reading through I urge you to read these stories and understand how frightening it can be and the detrimental affect it can have. No one deserves to have this happen to them, it is never the victims fault and the clothing you wear will never matter. As long as men are still taught it’s okay to treat women like dolls, this issue will still occur, which is why is must be continually talked about. After the death of Sarah Everard, there was an out pour of women telling their stories on sexual assault/harassment. This out pour inspired me to tell my story, those of people I know and those of people I don’t. In the UK 97% of women aged 18-24 have been sexually harassed/assaulted. Many women will struggle to walk down the street without being catcalled, yet somehow, those women are still the lucky ones when it comes to it. 3.8% of people have experience rape or attempted rape (7.1% for women and 0.5% for men) This issue isn’t just an issue women face too, it can be a very harsh reality for men, BUT 98% of men carry out these crimes. Too many times, women have been blamed for how they dress, ‘they’re asking for it’ or a ‘slut’, these things even holding up in court against the victims. The issue is male violence, the issue is society teaching men it’s okay to be like this. It’s not.
I was on my gap year after college and going to lots of concerts and gigs, quite a few with my mam. We’d travelled to London to go to a day festival headlined by Queens of the Stone Age, an incredible show I must add. That day was so hot I had sun cream dripping into my eye. We’d managed to get close to the front and were in a massive crowd. Whilst we waited for a Queens of the Stone Age to come on, I noticed a man next to me. To paint a picture, he was in his 40’s, beer belly and VERY drunk, almost as the point where you make little sense and talk shit.
He started edging towards me, at first, I was weary, but didn’t take much notice as he was drunk and I assumed he couldn’t stand up straight. I was wrong, he came closer and closer to me. I tried to edge away further and further, but couldn’t get that far away as there were many people crowded around me. Looking to the other side of him, I noticed there was plenty of room, he was wasn’t ‘just drunk’, he was purposefully sidling up to me. Suddenly, I felt something on my thigh. He’d put his hand on the inside of it. Fear crept up inside me and I began shaking. Turning to him, I began shouting ‘Can you get your hand off of my thigh! You’ve been edging closer and closer to me for ages and it’s making me uncomfortable’. Immediately my mam turned around, seething with anger and also shouted at him. At the same time, I burst out crying because I felt awful. My mam started questioning what the guy was doing and telling him I was 17. He began saying how he also has a 17 year old daughter, maybe he thought this made it okay, I have no idea? He also said that we should just see how the night goes, implying I’m going to change how I’m feeling and decide I’d like to do something with him. This was not going to happen, he was a creep. Thankfully, there were multiple around made sure I was okay and kept an eye on the man to make sure he didn’t do anything else. We told the security at the barrier how he was harassing me, but they didn’t do anything. Eventually his mate dragged him away as people around us kept giving him stick.
When all of this happened I felt scared, sad and stressed. I was very overwhelmed during it as I had to be cautious of the people around me. There were multiple times during the show where I was trying not to cry as I wanted to enjoy the show, I did despite this. It felt very draining having that happen. I’m extremely lucky that what happened to me wasn’t that bad. It could have been much worse, vhe could have touched me in more private areas for instance, but he didn’t, and that makes me lucky. What did and continues to shock him is the fact that I was 17 didn’t deter him. I was the same age as his daughter and he had no issue with what he did. I do still get angry about what happens sometimes, how he thought he was entitled to that. I’d like to ask him why he did that and why he thought it was okay? What did he think he’d get out of it.
After a night out, I was nearly blackout drunk and I was assaulted at a park. I couldn’t remember what had happened to me and found out from his mate. Once I found out, I was very upset, angry and scared. I felt dirty and used.
It’s hard to say how I feel about it now. I think I feel too low at myself to realise I was assaulted, or at least one point I did. I now usually block it out as it was in the past and a horrible thing to go through. Now, I would tell him too him too fuck off, respect women and stop assaulting them in parks.
I moved from my country to UK for Uni for the first year of Uni. In the second month I had been here I had made friends with some people here. During a flat party I had too much alcohol and became immobilised. My mind was clear, but I had no strength and couldn’t move. One of my first friends here “took care of me” by removing my clothes and then proceeded to dry hump me, he took his trousers and pants off, while I was half naked on my lower body. I was conscious during that time and I literally begged him to call my other friend to come pick me up because I just wanted to get away from him. It took 10 minutes of begging for him to finally call my friend to come get me. He was really angry and then gave up because I started crying. My friend then came, and we left. After that incident he went around saying things to other guys who lived in the same building as us, who were also my friends, that they should sleep with me because I quote “Asians are really tight”.
He talked shit about me, I found out because one of the guys who he talked to came to tell me. Because of these incidents I’ve stopped being friends with the guy but due to the fact we go to the same Uni, study in the same course and hang out in the same group of friends. I have no way of completely cutting him out my life. I’ve told my friends about what he did as well, and they sympathised with me but in the end were still friendly with him. After a few months of trying to cut him out my life I figured I should forgive him and move on because he apologised and was really trying to change so we became somewhat friends again. Fast forward to almost exactly a year later from the first incident, in September 2020 we went to a mutual friend’s house party and stayed the night at her place. We both slept in the same room, but I specifically said that I trust him not to do anything to me while I’m asleep/ unconscious and that it will be his choice to break that trust. He promised me that he won’t do anything. We went to sleep after that and the first thing I knew when I woke up the next day was that he had unbuttoned my top, my chest was exposed for him to see and he’s got his fingers in my underwear fingering me, which was what woke me up. I immediately got up and went to the host, a girl who used to be my best friend and told her what happened, I then left and went home. After she found out what had happened all she did was ban him from her house for two weeks and then became best friends with him again. I felt this was very toxic for me so in the end I cut both out my life, which worked out well due to lockdown. I just stopped talking/hanging out with them.
The guy and I had a talk about it after it happened, he promised to see a therapist to sort out his problems, but I don’t know how that turned out because I stopped talking to them. The point I wanted to make in sharing this story was that the assailant was a friend I trusted and one of the first few friends I made after coming over to a foreign country for the first time, it was a really big betrayal to me. At the time it made me feel very disgusting like its my fault? Did my actions lead him on? It made me doubt every single thing I did and also made me extremely aware of how I behave around my guy friends. Also made me realise that words mean nothing if their actions contradict what they’ve said. Now it’s made me become more reserved like I will actively think about what I wear, I will cover up more if I go out and I will only hang out with guys if there are other people around. I won’t hang out alone with a guy in a closed space now unless it’s my boyfriend or a guy friend who’s actively protected me multiple times. It’s also made me think about who my friends really are, due to how my ex best friends reacted the way they did, which really hurt me. I have now become really shy and quiet because I don’t want to unconsciously lead anyone on with my actions. Also it has made it harder for me to make any new friends because I’ll keep thinking that they’ll say that I’m a friend just for lip service.
If I could say anything to the assailant right know I would want to ask him why he thought it was okay to do it the first time and then knowing that he’s hurt me before. When I had finally regained the bare minimum of trust in him, he betrays it again as if our friendship literally means shit to him despite the countless times he’s said that I was one of his closest friends. I’ve now somewhat came to terms that it’s happened to me and moved on from the incidents because I don’t want to be stuck in that cycle of hating myself and then hating the people who’ve hurt me. It took many months of questioning myself and loads of talking to people who have experienced similar things to help me move on.
As far as we know, Sarah Everard wasn’t sexually harassed or assaulted, but her story highlights how unsafe walking along the streets can be for women, especially at night. Women should be able to safely walk at night without the fear of what could happen to them. Many people will know the story, but hers and many like it need to be told. Sarah’s story had the privilege of gathering nationwide attention, but this isn’t the case for many others.
On the 3rd of March 2021, Sarah left her friends house in Clapham at about 9pm to walk home to her house in Brixton. She walked back over Clapham common and agreed to meet her boyfriend the next day. When the following day arrived and she didn’t meet her boyfriend, he rang the police. Over the following days info on her route began to emerge. Footage of her and what she was wearing arose from CCTV and dashcam footage and the police issued an appeal over her disappearance. After nearly a week, on the 9th of March, police bring sniffer dogs along the route she was suspected to have taken home and forensics to Poynders Housing Complex, one of the last places she was seen on CCTV. That evening a Met police officer and a woman were arrested on suspicion of kidnapping, in Kent. The next day the police officer, Wayne Couzens, was arrested with suspicion of murder. That same day human remains were found in Ashford, Kent and the following day it was confirmed to be of Sarah. Three days prior to her disappearance, the police officer was accused of indecent exposure, twice, at a fast food restaurant in South London. Only after his arrests for kidnapping and murder has he been arrested for indecent exposure. An investigation into whether police handled these complaints properly has been launched. Which begs the question, why was the accusation of indecent exposure not properly handled? Was it not ‘severe’ enough? Would Sarah still be here had it been handled properly?
After this incident there was widespread outrage and a vigil was planned on Clapham Common on the 13th of March. This later got cancelled due to COVID-19 concerns. In the day, people visited the common to lay flowers and pay their respects. At 6PM a minutes silence, police tried to disperse the crowds. After crowds did not disperse, the police used an extreme amount of of force against protesters. Many politicians and members of the public condemned this force whilst the police launched an investigation and deemed their actions okay.
If you’ve been sexually assaulted, there are services that can help. You don’t have to report the assault to police if you don’t want to. You may need time to think about what has happened to you. However, consider getting medical help as soon as possible, because you may be at risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). If you want the crime to be investigated, the sooner a forensic medical examination takes place, the better. Try not to wash or change your clothes immediately after a sexual assault. This may destroy forensic evidence that could be important if you decide to report the assault to the police. Where you go for help will depend on what’s available in your area and what you want to do. For specialist medical attention and sexual violence support, whether you decide to have a forensic medical examination or not, your first point of call is a sexual assault referral centre (SARC). Sexual assault referral centres (SARCs) offer medical, practical and emotional support. They have specially trained doctors, nurses and support workers to care for you.
If you decide to report the assault to the police, they can arrange for you to attend a SARC for medical care and, if you wish, a forensic medical examination. If you have not reported the assault to the police, you can still refer yourself to a SARC for assessment and medical treatment to prevent some STIs and pregnancy. If you refer yourself to a SARC and are considering reporting the assault to the police, the centre can arrange for you to have an informal talk with a specially trained police officer, who can explain what is involved. There are also specially trained advisers available in some SARCs or voluntary organisations to help people who have been sexually assaulted. These independent sexual violence advisers (ISVA) can help victims get access to the other support services they need. They will also support you through the criminal justice system if you decide to report the assault to the police, including supporting you through the trial, should the case go to court. You can tell someone you trust first, such as a friend, relative or teacher, who can help you get the support you need. SARC services and ISVA support are free to all, whether a resident of the UK or not.
Listen, don’t question Believe them Ask about touching Offer practical support Respect their decisions Let them remember It’s not about you Call out sexist behaviour
Listen to them but try not to ask for details. They might not want to tell you everything that happened. Let them know that you are ready to listen whenever they want to talk. And don’t ask why the rape or sexual assault happened or why they didn’t stop it happening. It can sound as if you blame them, which could feel like another attack on them. Believe what they are saying and tell them this. Let them show how they’re feeling Allow them to cry whenever they need to. You might find it upsetting but it is important that they are able to show their emotions.
Respect their feelings about being touched by you and give them some space. Many people who have been raped or sexually assaulted don’t want to be touched, especially in the days after the assault. Even a comforting hug might upset them. Ask them if it’s OK, or let them make the first move. If you are in a sexual relationship, accept that they may find sex frightening at the moment. Respect their wishes and don’t put any pressure on them to have sex. Try offering some practical support, such as asking them if they would like you to come with them to any appointments. Support is always welcomed! They may need to be spoken to on their own to make sure the person running the appointment gets all the information. People who have been assaulted have to make lots of choices. Report the assault? Get checked out at a clinic? Ask for counselling? These might seem easy to you but they can be awkward, embarrassing and very hard for them. But they need to make these decisions themselves. Don’t persuade or put pressure on them. And don’t go behind their backs to do what you think is the right thing. Don’t tell them to forget about what has happened. It will take time for them to work through their feelings and memories. You can help by listening to them and being patient. Don’t become the injured party. Your friend, relative or partner needs to focus all their energy on themselves, so they may not have enough strength to support or care for you at this time. Call out any sexist behaviour out, especially if you are a man. It’s often hard for women to be taken seriously or listened to. If your friend makes a sexist joke or comment in passing, explain to them why it’s wrong. It can be tiring for women to have to explain this over and over. If you see a woman being harassed, help them! Try and get her out of the situation and check if they’re okay.
Woman kind Bristol numbers 0345 458 2914 0117 916 6461 womankindbristol.org.uk/helpline/ Voluntary organisation, such as Women’s Aid, Victim Support, The Survivors Trust or Survivors UK (for male victims of sexual assault) National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 24-hour freephone, run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 The Rape Crisis national freephone helpline on 0808 802 9999 A doctor or practice nurse at your GP surgery Hospital accident and emergency (A&E) department Genitourinary medicine (GUM) or sexual health clinic NHS 111 or in an emergency, dial 999 survivorsnetwork.org.uk/resource/helplines-webchat-services/survivors network Survivors of sexual violence and abuse of any gender aged 14+: Wed 12-2pm, 01273 720 110 Brighton Women’s Centre “Women Supporting Women” Helpline: 01273 698036 dropinservices@womenscentre.org.uk Sexual Harassment at Work helpline from Rights of Women: 020 7490 0152 Mon, Tues & Wed 3-5pm and 6-8pm. The havens Urgent advice / appointments 020 3299 6900 Women’s Aid Online chat Galop 0800 999 5428 (National LGBT+ domestic abuse helpline) bisurvivorsnetwork.org Survivors UK 020 3322 1860 (SMS)
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME is a collection of stories ranging from sexual harassment, sexual assault and violence against women. After the death of Sarah Everard and the out pour of stories related to sexual assault, I was inspired to tell some of these stories. In this book you will find my personal experience, stories told to me and the story of Sarah Everard.