Time keeps on ticking

By Paul Kandarian

I just can’t keep up. I know I’m old, I’m slow, I’m so far behind the times that “behind the times” in the dictionary has my photo next to it. But I try, lordie, I try.

CASE IN POINT. I got a watch for Christmas that isn’t just a watch—it’s basically a hospital emergency room you strap to your wrist that measures… everything. It’s a MorePro, which I think is like a FitBit, which I think is like an Apple Watch, with none of them, not one, actually resembling an actual watch in style or function.

I have a watch. A regular watch. With a dial, and hands that move, and a date that you have to set. The latter function is light years ahead of any watch I had back in the day. Back then, to remind yourself what day it was, you had a thing known as a “calendar.” Then again, phones aren’t really phones anymore, at least not just being something that makes calls, because now their functions include monitoring your health from that thing that’s not really a watch on your wrist.

And health benefits? Ha! I just read this about FitBit, which is owned by Google, which in terms of Orwellian Big Brother snooping is way ahead of anything dreamed up in 1984, that says these activity trackers (polite speak for “wrist spies”) measure stuff like blood pressure, sleep, steps, heartbeat, sperm count, and IQ (maybe not yet, but trust me, it will someday), and other stuff that, the article said, provide “little evidence they improve health outcomes.”

Well, that’s reassuring. The only outcome they indisputably improve is the fiscal health of Google, Apple, and anyone making these trendy things pretending to be a watch. So I got this MorePro thing for Christmas and did with it what I always do with confusing gifts or those too ugly to wear: ditched it in a bag and forgot about it. Mind you, this thing isn’t ugly, in fact it’s sleek and pretty. I just couldn’t figure out how it works. Still can’t.

My lady was kind enough to gift it to me, and after a few months of asking where it was and me ignoring her the way I do when she asks me to do something around the house that involves tools, I dug it out, charged it, looked at the tiny manual, and just stared at it for hours.

Maybe it’s me. I know I’m tech-impaired as an older American whose most complicated technology in his youth was installing batteries the right way which, coincidentally, is still a crapshoot with me. But why can’t they just keep things simple? This little manual (I say “manual” like it is one but it’s actually a tiny folded piece of paper with words and diagrams they dipped in confusion and stuck into the box) shows how to put the wristband on and charge it and that much I got.

How confusing is the confusion? Check out this little instructional ditty: “Responsibility limit: Following by law, under any circumstances, device supplier takes the largest responsibility limit of your loss for using the device (except for the bodily harm and the excluding harm in law instruction), which is referring to the paid cost of the device.” So I got this MorePro thing for Christmas and did with it what I always do with confusing gifts or those too ugly to wear: ditched it in a bag and forgot about it.

There’s also “connection steps” which says “turn on Bluetooth and don’t connect the device with phone’s Bluetooth setting directly,” which to me is a giant WTF moment because isn’t connecting the phone with Bluetooth the idea?

Plus, now I have to download the MorePro app which I did which means memorizing another damn password which I refuse to do and just use the same one I use for everything because honestly, if hackers try to use any of my financial information they’re going to be sorely disappointed.

The “manual” also has little diagrams (and tiny words which makes me realize all this technology really needs to come with glasses) that outline the function of the “watch,” including time (novel concept, that), steps, sleep, blood oxygen (sorry, what?), ECG (Extremely Complicated Gift?), run mode (I don’t run, I’m old), HR (which means pulse, but don’t call it what it is, add confusing initials), BP (blood pressure, which is now 720/700 trying to use this thing), and turn off (it turned me off to technology the second I tried to use it).

There’s also this little beauty of an instruction: “Waterproof. It can be used to wash hands, do some water activities in the shallow water area. Stop using it while taking hot shower, diving, surfing, etc.” So apparently taking a cold shower with it on is just fine. It’d be great if in these days of coronavirus pandemics the damn thing squirted Purell, wouldn’t it?

About the only function I understand and really like: find cellphone. Which, let’s be real, I’ve yet to truly figure out, either. Next time someone asks me the time, I’m gonna look at my wrist spy, shrug, and say “It’s time to buy a real damn watch.”

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Hugo Jauregui, MD Board Certified, Internal Medicine Fluent in both Portuguese and Spanish.

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