Twenty-twenty: Two

by Paul Kandarian

Remember when the pandemic hit in 2020 and we endured a horrific year that included not just the tragedy of Covid, but also many unwarranted and gruesome closeups on TV of creators of fake new, not to mention the threat of attack by murder wasps and we said it was the worst year ever and nothing could top that?

And then 2021 came along, bringing over Covid along with it and adding brutal storms, rampaging wildfires, mass shootings, cicada invasions, a catastrophic condo collapse, the treasonous insurgence of January 6 by morons exhorted to violence by their moronic leader, and the Taliban retaking Afghanistan like they were getting pumpkin lattes at Dunkin’. But on the bright side in 2021, we did have things like the essentially useless and expensive Manhood Missile Race to Space by rich white men with sexual inferiority issues that finally, mercifully, gave Captain Kirk the chance to go where no hammy overly dramatic actor had gone before, and with Joe Biden in the White House, also mercifully, way fewer closeups of Mitch McConnell’s face because it retreated into its shell to ward off murder hornets or to hide his zero morals. So what can we expect for 2022? Some very silly predictions based on too much coffee and lack of sleep:

Tom Brady, forced to face the end of a stellar career due to age, will win three more rings in one Super Bowl game because dude, it’s Tom Brady.

This will be the year not to be shunned for refrigerating red wine because frankly, some of us like cold red wine and care not one rounded note of vanilla and coconut for your condescension.

Mark Zuckerberg will continue to deny Facebook’s contribution to the dehumanization of mankind as he sets new revenue records for the monetization of dehumanizing mankind.

The year will bring a record of things called “movies” even though most are 99 percent CGI that no actual actors even had to bother to be in. And they will be wildly successful because…

The stunning dumbing down of America continues unabashed since it started in earnest with the 2016 presidential election and will amazingly increase during this year’s mid-terms.

Inexplicably named but socially acceptable and hot social media platforms new this year included Clubhouse, Twitch, Discord (no, really), Steemit, Houseparty and MeWe, and in 2022 others will include YourFaceLOL!, Stoopid, DumbR, USuk, and a throwback, YoMama.

The overwhelming presence of cute-kitten/ puppy photos on social media will give rise to take-charge animals like cute parrots at posh resorts pecking the eyes out of intrusive tourists, baby penguins using nature photographers’ heads like punching bags with their tiny little arm-fin things, and baby seals clubbing fur hunters to death.

This will be the year in which they finally stop the pretense of making half-caff coffee. I mean really, it’s like being half pregnant – you are or you are not. For no apparent reason, emerging strains of Covid will be named to sound like brand-name appliances, which started with Omicron and will include “FluVision,” “WormyApple,” and “PanicSonic.”

Facebook will be named as the most infectious disease of all time.

NASA will fire the nation’s useless 130 billion pennies into space to plug holes in the ozone layer.

Evolution will realize what a mistake it made and speed up the process of returning modern humans to ape form and hoping that will save the planet. The planet will shrug and say, “Hey, I’ll still be here when you’re not. Take your time. I’ve got plenty.”

Happy New Year, America. Make it a silly one. Whadda we got to lose?

Twenty-twenty: two