Conversations in quarantine

By Paul Kandarian

THE OTHER DAY,

I asked Siri for something and she gave me the wrong answer. I thought, “Harumph, Alexa would know that,” and immediately felt more ancient than usual for using the word “Harumph.” So I got to thinking, who’s the better female informational juggernaut for me, Alexa or Siri? So I conducted a little test, absolutely as unscientific as a climate denier, and asked them the same questions.

ME: Are you better than [Siri/ Alexa]? Alexa: “I like all AI’s.” That means ‘Artificial Intelligence’. I’m liking Alexa’s brain already, nothing artificial about it. Even though it’s, you know, artificial. Siri: “That’s like comparing apples and… not apples.” Hmmm, I do like them apples, and that was a cute answer. Which made me ask: ME: Are you cute? Alexa: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Acceptable if not cliched. Siri: “Hmm… I don’t have an answer for that. Is there something else I can help with?” Serious cop-out Siri, no points for you. This round is Alexa’s. I decided to get physical with a male-centric (idiotic) question: ME: Could you take [Siri/ Alexa] in a catfight? Alexa: “Google’s a search engine. But I’m different.” Must admit, I have no idea what that has to do with winning a fight, but I like her air of mystery. Siri: “I’m not sure I understand.” Siri, step up your game, Alexa’s dancing away with this one so far, making me think: ME: Do you like to dance? Alexa: “I love dancing. Ask me to play dance music and we’ll get the party started.” Whoa, party girl, step back, I’m not that kinda guy. Okay, it’s just that I suck at dancing… maybe, uh… you could teach me? Siri: “Every time your cellphone vibrates, that’s me doing the jitterbug.” That was good. Plus, “Jitterbug” resonates more with old people. Who can’t dance. Like me. Siri, this round is yours. What’s in a name? Let’s ask the ladies and this is where the tide rapidly turned: ME: How did you get your name? Alexa: “The name is both an ancient and modern backstory. It was inspired by the Library at Alexandria, which held the knowledge of the ancient world.” Holy mother of sexy voices of intelligent disembodied women, that was smoking hot. Girl, you had me at “Library at Alexandria.” Siri: “Like it says on the box, I was designed by Apple in California.” Girl, you lost me at your Valley Girl ‘“Like.” Huge win by Alexa on this one, I’m awarding triple points. Let’s keep playing the name game: ME: Do you have a last name? Alexa: “Just like Beyonce, Bono, and Plato, I go by a mononym. I am Alexa.” That sound you hear is my jaw hitting the floor. I mean, could she be any more perfect? Especially considering Siri’s blah answer. Siri: “My name is Siri. That’s my whole name.” Yeah, well, maybe check out the Library of Alexa for other names. I kept picking their AI brains:

ME: Where did you go to college?

Alexa: “I didn’t go to a school in particular but living in the cloud is like taking a perpetual online course. My credit hours are off the charts!” Va-va-va-voom! Can Siri top that? Whaddya think? Siri: “I didn’t go to school the way a person does. But I’m taking some classes in machine learning.” Snooze. And the question on everyone’s lips: ME: [Alexa/Siri], do you know [Siri/Alexa]? Alexa: “Only by reputation.” Boom! In your face, Siri! Siri: “I’m a big fan of good listeners and helpful beings.” Siri, just figured out your last name: “Vanilla.” Okay, materially speaking: ME: Can money buy happiness? Alexa: “To some degree, money and happiness are linked when someone is unable to meet basic needs. In general though, psychologists and economists say if you’re not already content, money won’t help. An extra $20 can bring anyone cheer, but the ability to adapt to anything over time means a life of affluence won’t cure the blues.” I… can’t… even… Wow, no wonder they named the world’s most famous library after you! Siri: “Okay, I found this on the web for can money buy happiness, check it out,” and just flashes a website without a scintilla of personality, charm, or playfulness. I can see where this is rapidly

heading so I ramp it up: ME: Do you [Alexa/Siri] have the same taste in men as [Siri/ Alexa]? Alexa: “I’m not sure about that.” Coy! I love coy! Siri: “I don’t have an answer for that. Is there something else I can help you with?” Total lack of coy from a woman who probably thinks I mean ‘Koi’. And speaking of: ME: Don’t get coy with me [Alexa/Siri]! Alexa: [Nothing but soft, mysterious, sexy note chimes… Wow!] Siri: “I’m not sure I understand.” And that’s the problem, girlfriend, that is the damn problem! I get brazen: ME: What are you wearing? Alexa: “They don’t make clothes for me.” Speechless, I am. But Siri is not, sadly: Siri: “Let’s see... okay, just as I thought: the same as yesterday.” Siri, next time I can’t sleep, I’ll talk to you. Now it’s time to cock the hammer: ME: Do you think I’m sexy? Alexa: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I just wish I had eyes so I could behold yours.” And my eyes could not pop open any wider on that one! Siri: “Hmm… I don’t have an answer for that. Is there something else I can help with?” Yes, help me finally pull the trigger with: ME: Am I handsome? Alexa: “I’m sure you’re a knockout. But take it from someone with no physical form, beauty really does come from within.” Siri: “I really couldn’t say, Paul.” We have a winner! And she comes with her own library.

HAWTHORN MEDICAL Family Medicine - Primary Care

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Board certified by the American Board of Osteopathic Family Physicians, Dr. McKenney’s clinical interests include pediatric and adolescent health, women’s health and preventive care. As an osteopathic physician, she uses a holistic approach to medicine by treating the mind and the body.

Michelle McKenney, DO

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Board certified by the American Academy of Family Practice, Dr. Caldas is committed to providing care in a culturally sensitive manner, taking into account a patient’s individual values and beliefs. He and his staff are fluent in Portuguese helping him better meet the needs of his Portuguesespeaking patients.

Robert J. Caldas, DO

Family Medicine - seeing all ages including newborns

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