Friday, May

CVN

THE SEAWITCH SAYS

AMY OROZCO

Soon, it will be that time of year for brides, dads and grads. Bet some birthdays are around the corner, too. (As of this writing, I have six to celebrate in June.) It’s inevitable that the spotlight shining on the honoree(s) will mirror back on you, causing refl ection and introspection.

Dear Amy O,

My stepson will graduate high school next month and leave for his fi rst-choice college at the end of August. He’s a good kid and I couldn’t be happier for him. In addition to the typical graduation gifts his father and I plan to give him, what I’d really like him to have been license to pursue whatever is his passion. How do I “gift” this to him? I wish I had pursued my desire to be a writer. My career in public service has been successful, and I enjoy my colleagues. Still, I always have a nagging “what if?” feeling. I don’t want him to have any regrets, like I sometimes do.

Signed, Stuck, Not Jealous

Dear Stuck, Not Jealous,

Congratulations to your stepson! I wish him the brightest future possible. Congratulations to you, too, for being such a nice person. The fi rst thing to do is to continue making your gift about your stepson, not about you. I’m assuming your stepson’s passion is his own, whether that be writing or otherwise.

You asked how to “gift” the ability to pursue one’s passion. I, in turn, will answer your question with a question: How do you defi ne the ability to pursue one’s passion? I suggest your husband be involved in this discussion. Does this include providing the economic means, like a patron? Certainly, instilling confi dence is as much of a must is full emotional support. What else would you add?

Now, how to “gift” it. One part could be a heart-to-heart talk – maybe just the three of you out for a special dinner separate from any celebratory gathering. Another part could be you writing a custom commencement speech for your stepson, outlining your gift and your promise to help him pursue his passion.

As most writers (aspiring and otherwise) and people who paid attention in high school literature classes know, a hallmark of the writing craft is “show, don’t tell.” You can show your stepson what pursuing one’s passion looks like. Maybe it’s getting up 30 minutes earlier every morning to journal or signing up for a short story class at the library. A Saturday afternoon digging through the garage for an old college paper to reconsider says a lot about fortitude. Modeling behavior is far more eff ective than telling someone how to behave.

Think of it as a two-fer. Your stepson learns how to pursue his passion by watching you pursue yours.

Dear Amy O,

I’m one of those people who are so relieved that social media wasn’t around when we were young. I was such a jerk. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of. Social media didn’t document them, but my memory did. How do I erase these tapes? It’s the worst in the middle of night when I can’t sleep.

Signed, Make These Tapes Self-destruct

Dear Make These Tapes Self-destruct,

I’m one of those too. Oh, that time I woke up (insert mortifying scene here), and then there’s when I… Hey, we all have them. The bright side is, yes, social media was just a sparkle in some brainiacs’ minds, and well, they sure showed us, huh?

From your letter, though, I’m intuiting your tapes are more about deep regret and remorse than, say, embarrassing party behavior. You know who made you do those now highly regrettable acts? The person you were at the time, that’s who. Maybe that was a lonely and angry individual trying to make the hurt go away by, for example, cheating friends.

The you today sees that cheating friends didn’t make the loneliness and anger evaporate, and that recognition, my friend, is part of the path to healing.

You will have to fi rst forgive yourself.

Here’s why: because, maybe just maybe, you have replaced the cheating friends with the self-hate brought to life with those mental tapes, which now have the job of making the loneliness and anger go away – an impossible task (and you don’t need to be a brainiac to fi gure that out).

How do we self-forgive? With honesty and determination. Be honest with yourself about your actions and personhood. You must commit yourself to a self-forgiveness journey, knowing full well the itinerary includes stormy seas, minefi elds, delays, probably diarrhea, other assorted bumps in the road and that the trip will be worth it. Maybe your travel agent is a mental health professional, the self-help aisle in a bookstore, or a spiritual leader. Doesn’t matter. The sooner you book passage, the sooner those mental tapes become lost luggage, uh, baggage. Bon voyage!

Former CVN editor Amy Marie Orozco loves living in Carpinteria, including all the sometime socially sticky situations happening in our seaside setting. Along with giving advice (only when asked), Amy O also edits Cannabis by the Sea Magazine. Have a question for her? Email it to news@coastalview.com.

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