4 minute read
LET’S BE HONEST
Written by Armon R. Perry, PhD
Armon R. Perry, PhD, is a professor in the Kent School of Social Work at the University of Louisville. He can be reached at arperr01@louisville.edu or 502-852-3234. To order a copy of Black Love Matters, click here. https://rowman.com/ ISBN/9781793622044/Black-Love-Matters-Authentic-Men'sVoices-on-Marriages-and-Romantic-Relationships
Relationships based in trust offer the opportunity to be honest when it comes to delivering sensitive information. The couples that achieve this status have a better chance of staying together.
In our formative years, many of us were taught that honesty is the best policy. In fact, I’ll never forget the time my grandmother told me that one of the benefits of telling the truth was that you never had to remember what you said. And although there is certainly value in telling the truth and being a person whose word is their bond, is telling the truth always the best idea? And perhaps more importantly, are there times and circumstances that keeping it less than 100 is a more advisable approach?
In my recently published book, Black Love Matters: Authentic Men’s Voices on Marriage and Romantic Relationships, we explore the virtues of truth telling. As you might imagine, in most cases the men I interviewed agreed that being honest with their partners was usually a good idea and a philosophy that they subscribed to. However, many of the men shared that they had experiences in which actually telling the truth and being completely transparent did not end well and instead had long-lasting negative effects that damaged their relationships. In these cases, this was more than a little white lie in response to a leading question like the age old, “How do I look in this dress?” Rather, these were more serious situations such as men attempting to be direct about whether or not they either were or envisioned being in an exclusive dating relationship. To be specific, several of the men talked about dating women casually and how they were up front about not wanting a serious or committed relationship. In other cases where the men were involved in a committed romantic relationship, answering honestly about whether the intensity of their feelings matched those of their romantic partners led to some miscommunications, heated exchanges, hurt feelings, and sometimes even a breakup. When this happened, the men were left feeling confused and disillusioned. If honesty was the best policy, why was telling the truth something that landed them in hot water? Was the take-home message that it was better to tell their partner what they thought they wanted to hear? In the future, should the men communicate in a manner that was less forthcoming or an outright lie to avoid uncomfortable discussions that might turn confrontational or argumentative? If so, what did this mean for the viability of the relationship going forward? Was having a surface level, but safer relationship more desirable than one that had depth but was riskier? These were the questions that several men found themselves pondering.
If it’s true that most people value honesty in relationships, why is telling the truth so complicated at times? Just like the men I interviewed, on numerous occasions, I have been involved in what were otherwise benign conversations that went sideways because I was too open. In the aftermath, I have found myself thinking that lying, saying less, or nothing at all would have been a more prudent approach. Given my propensity for taking the path of least resistance, this is indeed a strategy I have employed from time to time over the years. Of course, I recognize that lying or avoiding difficult conversations is not a long-term solution if the goal is to have a healthy and sustainable relationship. However, if the truth is something we value and expect from our partners, I firmly believe we also have an obligation to create and cultivate an atmosphere that fosters openness, honesty, and transparency.
As with any living organism, romantic relationships need supportive environments to facilitate their incubation. If they are expected to grow and evolve, they need to be nurtured in such a way that their roots can become strong enough to withstand adverse conditions. To manifest this in your relationship, I offer the following advice: • Take time to reflect on whether you
trust your partner enough to tell them the truth, even when it is uncomfortable or difficult.
• Examine your partner’s response to being told uncomfortable or difficult truths and engage them in discussions about what you need from them to feel • Be sure to not use being honest as an excuse to be excessively or unnecessarily harsh, crass, or critical of your partner. • Assess whether or not you encourage your partner to be truthful with you. This includes listening atten-
tively to their needs and assessing whether you have worked to create an environment that facilitates honesty. Simply put, choosing to tell the truth should not result in one being left out in the cold. Instead, the vulnerability associated with being truthful should be appreciated and received as the fertilizer that nourishes our relationships and ensures they continue to bloom for years to come.
Armon R. Perry, Ph.D., is professor in the Kent School of Social Work at the
University of Louisville. He can be reached at arperr01@louisville.edu or 502-852-3234. To order a copy of Black Love Matters, click here. Use the code LEX30AUTH20 at checkout for a 30% discount.
