n Joe Allen
A Redneck’s escape from Knoxville I get the uneasy feeling that when the present Global Lockdown is finally lifted, we’ll all come out of our cells to find that the furniture has been rearranged – and we won’t be allowed to put it back
L
ast month I was gearing up for a world tour. The job was as a rigger for a pop punk band. Yes, I’m a dirty fucking roadie. The tour would start in Asia, bounce back to Europe, do the US circuit, then hop over to Oceania. There would be long flights and free drinks. Tour buses and sweet hotels. Blistering hard work at breakneck pace with zero sleep. Wild parties in pathogen-rich environments. It wouldn’t be my first, but it was sure to be my best. Then came the COVID-19 pandemic and subsequent Global Lockdown. My job depends on thousands of people gathering together. In an instant, our entire industry was obliterated.
T
he warnings started in January. A good friend from back home – we’ll call him K-Bob – was freaking out about some “Chinese virus”. This demonic spectre, I gathered, was a ravenous chemical complex with a taste for the human lung, a
4 ColdType | Mid-April 2020 | www.coldtype.net
microscopic enigma skirting the fine line between organism and self-replicating molecule, an anime succubus that wore a silk dress and flew on bat wings. Being an anti-commie maniac, K-Bob used more descriptive terms, but I’ll leave that to your imagination. As I gathered myself for the band’s rehearsals, concentrating on my professional future, K-Bob’s relentless text messages hammered my brain: 01/21, 4:47 PM – might want to invest in germ for crowds 01/21, 5:32 PM – germ mask 01/21, 8:46 PM – maybe coronavirus will be black swan 01/21, 8:52 PM – interesting thing is how 25% get pneumonia. simply having bunch people with that could crash already fragile medical system. At this point, the WHO had just stopped repeating China’s claim that the virus couldn’t spread person-to-person. Apparently, the germ could surf a sneeze straight into your nostrils. Rumour had it
the peculiar COVID-19 originated in a bad batch of bat soup cooked up next door to a Level 4 bioweapons lab in Wuhan. The world community didn’t care too much and I didn’t either. But K-Bob would not be ignored: 01/24, 1:22 AM – weird that millions quarantined in china but still flights to usa 01/24, 8:24 PM – viral chernoby5 01/25, 7:15 PM – forget porn. coronavirus phone videos far more addictive. i believe nothing officials say. 01/26, 12:16 AM – nobody
