Hernández Fernández María Del Mar, Him

HIM

Inspired by The Netflix Drama Series, “YOU”

Written By María Del Mar Hernández Fernández

The psychiatric ward is more often than not called an asylum, yet it is no place to seek asylum, not the actual meaning of the word. It should be a place of refuge from the storms that hurt the mind and a past that haunt the soul, It is indeed a place of love and sanctuary, a place to be welcomed into arms that will hold you until the entire self is soothed. I can’t remember the last time I woke up out of this place.

It was a Wednesday morning that everything started, I remember I was drinking a cold latte at Piccolo’s, thinking about my life and similizing it with the big screens at Time Square, and I was thinking about my own loneliness, letting myself go down a dark abyss of thought, getting lost in my feelings. I had never had a boyfriend, at school, boys had never really liked me because I had always been too quiet, too shy for them. But this was a new scene in my life, I thought. I had recently turned 21, and I wanted to be reborn. I wanted to be someone new, and I could. Here in New York City, so far from my hometown, taking classes with completely new people, I could be whoever I wanted to.

In that very moment, in my mind, lost in this wandering train of thought, It is when I saw him. My brain, still tendered from the intense thoughts I’d been processing, registering this man and I suddenly knew exactly what I was going to do. I was going to make this man fall in love with me, and do so in a way that he was known to me, but I would never be known to him. This way I could feel loved, but not known, something I have always feared. My head was spinning, and I felt a sort of ecstasy, of pure mania towards the idea of making someone fall in love with me, having them, owning them, that I immediately put my plan into action. He was working on his laptop, and I studied him carefully, the way his eyes flicked from one side of the screen to another, the way his hands went to grab his cup and take a sip of his caramel macchiato or

scratch at the scruff of hair on his neck. I looked at his clothes, his leg unconsciously tapping on the floor and his teeth biting his lip slightly as he read on his laptop patently.

He stood up to go get a carrot cake he had ordered, soI put my plan into action, and stood up to leave quickly, but timed my steps so that I would intentionally trip and have my latte spilled all over his white dress shirt. “Oh my god, I am so sorry!” I exclaimed, pretending to be devastated, “It’s alright”, he chuckled, “This shirt has always been a bit small, I’ve been looking for an excuse to throw it out”. I smiled sheepishly and brought him a napkin. He mopped up the latte from his shirt and looked up to tell me his name.

“I am Nate Crawford”. He said cheerfully. As soon as those words left his lips I knew this man, with his pale complexion, deep green eyes and wavy, choppy, carefree hair that framed his face, was the man I would spend the rest of my life with, there was no doubt about it.

He asked me to sit with him, and I happily complied. and he asked;

“So, what’s your name, stranger?” I laughed nervously and said, “My name is Mystearica”. He looked at me thoughtfully. For the next hour or so, we talked about everything there was to talk about. I found out that he had moved here from Minnesota, and was pursuing a career in computing systems. He told me about his family life, and how he had a tough relationship with the men in his family because they were all military men, and he had always hated violence. And what I told him about myself, is the part that no one seems to understand about this story. I carefully crafted a life story for myself that would make me seem like the perfect subject, make him feel like he had bumped into the perfect girl for him, in a chance of luck, when it was meticulously planned so that he would think that way. I told him I had moved here from Wisconsin,

and I was taking classes for communication systems and international affairs, which was all true, but I told him that I used to be a town flower, the girl who everyone loved, and loved everyone.

I made myself into a character for this man, and I could tell it was working. He was slowly catching on, diving into the pools of crystals that were my eyes. I could feel it. We left the cafe spot, walking in long strides next to each other, getting to know each other more. “Would you want to go out to eat with me?” He asked suddenly. I blushed “Oh, of course, I would, we could go to Eataly, it’s got the best Italian food in New York, I swear,” I said this in a bubbly voice, again, a craft of my act. We left to go eat, and at the end of our meal, he looked at me gingerly and sighed. “I feel like you’re the perfect girl for me” I widened my eyes “Oh, gosh, well you’re too sweet Nate” he looked off to the side, “I really don’t want to rush things, but would you like to go out again, sometime soon? I enjoyed this, and I think we can really click” I silently cheered myself. I had done flawlessly. I nodded and wrote my number on a napkin. I got up, kissed him on the cheek, and left swiftly. When I got to my apartment, as soon as I opened the door, I exploded in pure ecstasy. Pretending to be someone I wasn’t, not the shy, strange girl from Wisconsin but the sweet, outgoing, spontaneous girl from New York suited me well. I was so caught up in my act, in this new persona, I ignored the fact that I was exercising near psychopathic behavior.

Over the next few months, I kept seeing Nate, building onto my character, and we soon passed all the milestones that people have in their relationship. I slept over at his place, he slept over at mine, we went to the carnival together, we went to the movies, museums, every Italian restaurant in New York. He helped me study for exams and I curled up with him while

he developed computing programs at night. We were perfect. I was perfect. I complained and fought the perfect amount.

I made him feel loved like I had nothing else to do but, loving him, I made him food, rubbed his back, liked to go to clubs with him. I was the perfect girlfriend. This girl I had crafted, who liked everything from Art Nights to going to Central Park to sip cheap wine at 3 am. I was his everything. I made sure I was. And I had become completely obsessed. Not with him, but my new self. I had bought myself an entire new wardrobe with new, colorful clothing, plunging necklines, velvet, lace, and everything in between.

After 5 months rushed by and I felt that I had become closer with this man than anyone else, at least, he had become closer to me than anyone else, we decided to move in together. This was a huge step because until now I’ve always had time to mentally prepare my character and to put myself into the mindset of being my new self. Now I had to be her. He moved all his things in, and I was getting used to him, his little things, and sleeping with him, watching him. I didn’t know I was descending into madness. I couldn’t have known. Everything was perfect and I finally felt complete as my new persona, I felt I had it all, everything I had been denied when I was younger because I was a little shy. Life had been unfair, and now, after a change, I could feel myself flowering. Little did I know, I couldn’t go on like this, everything would change and my life with Nate would shatter.

Nate’s best friend arrived in town, and he was the typical guy who wanted to be partying every second of his life. Everything started going from up to down, Nate said to me that Collin was his best friend and that he needed to be with him more than he was with me. This infuriated me beyond belief. I was his perfect, cool girl, a girl who I had made for him was vanishing before him. I began to feel that

he was enjoying hanging out with Collin more than spending time with me, and this worried me because it meant I had to change course in my plan. Collin was a threat to our future, our life, our relationship. He was trying to make us drift apart, I could feel it, and there was nothing that hurt me more, made me feel angrier.

I remember the night that it happened so clearly like it happened yesterday. Collin had invited Nate to a birthday party in the Empire Hotel, some girl named Carla was having her birthday, and they said it was a common childhood friend so they didn’t invite me. I felt like Nate was kind of anxious before he left home as if he was hiding something. I knew very well something I had denied for the longest time; Nate was losing interest in me.

I decided to follow them and stayed outside of the entrance of the hotel with the guards. I walked up and down the street, and my psychologist told me that this is manic behavior but I know for a fact that it is out of pure love. Love for Nate, and love for the relationship but mostly love for my perfect self. I couldn’t let all of the work that I had put into this, go down the drain so easily. I wasn’t gonna let some high-class brain dead girl take over the boy that I had perfectly cultivated to my liking. I loved Nate, and losing him wasn’t an option in the slightest. So no, this wasn’t maniac behavior, I was looking out for my boyfriend. And I did so carefully, so he wouldn’t see me once they left.

I waited for several hours, but the only thing I could think of was the fact that our relationship was going to end, and that this dream I was living, was becoming a nightmare. 5 am and they finally left the hotel, both of them were extremely drunk and they were holding hands with two girls. Nate was trying to kiss a girl, and I almost completely lost it to my head at that point. I held a hand to my mouth, biting it so hard I

could not scream. I had lost myself in anger. I couldn’t think of anything else but Collin; Collin had ripped me from Nate’s life, everything was fine before he arrived, so Collin was the problem, he caused everything and he was the reason why our future was coming to an end.

I decided to follow them, Nate and Collin left those two girls by Central Park, Nate arrived at our apartment, while Collin began to walk pointlessly. I started having feelings to hurt Collin. He had taken everything from me. and it was the first time I had ever felt something like that, a red frenzy that covered me completely and honestly made me want to kill him. I felt as if 1000 stones were weighing on my head and as of the only answer to levitate these would be to end this immense pressure that Colin was putting on me.

At this point, I didn’t really think about Colin himself I just thought about the way that he had affected me and Nate’s relationship, and the way that he had technically ruined everything that I had created and entailed. I thought about Nate and how much I loved him, or an idea of him and I decided this on my own. The red mist could really come in, and this was a life-defining moment, or rather a life-ending moment

I had my eye on him subtly, I watched as he walks through Central Park completely wasted and made an attempt to sit down on a bench falling on the ground next to it. I followed him very closely and hid behind a tree that was in front of the bench. I came out from behind the tree, in front of him, and in my hand, I held a rock. It was a rock that I had picked up, and when I did I felt like the decision had taken itself. I was no longer this perfect person that I had imagined myself being for the last year, I was no longer that girl I was a dog, rabid, blind with hatred, teeth bared. He saw me, “Hey, girl, what’re you doing out here?” I held the rock behind my back and got closer to him, too frenzied to even talk. He shrugged and laid

his head back on the grass. I inched closer, and the back of my mind begged me to stop, to put down the rock and go home to Nate. But I couldn’t. This man threatened the existence of the perfect me, he threatened the relationship I cultivated with Nate and did not have the energy to cultivate with anyone else. I did what I had to do. I lifted my arm, and before he could say anything, I smashed it against his head, with the most force I’ve ever used.

It’s been a few months, the rest of the events that night happened in a blur. He screamed, I fell to the ground in manic ecstasy, soon, the cops arrived, carried me off, put me in handcuffs and took me to the station. They sedated me several times because I was being uncooperative, but I could do nothing but smile. They said it was the smile of a deranged, underfed crazy woman. I agreed to disagree. This was love, pure, unfiltered love, for Nate. I never did see him again. I never did get to talk to him. I don’t even know where he is now, or if he knows I’m in a hospital. I knew that Collin survived but had massive injuries to the head that paralyzed him completely. Knowing that gave me peace. It gave me peace because I knew exactly why I had done it. I had done it for him.