Guzmán Giraldo Valeria, Until I Decided To Be Me

UNTIL I DECIDED TO BE ME

Written by Valeria Guzmán Giraldo

And sometimes I simply don’t get it, you know? I mean we are in the middle of modernity, we are in century XXI and people just don’t act like it. I’m tired of walking on the streets scared of what a man may do or say to me, I’m annoyed of girls that just want to bring other girls down, I’m exhausted of intolerance, homophobia, male chauvinism, and hate. But you know what hits me the most? myself, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, I don’t feel good in my own body, I don’t feel good at home, in the streets, at school, neither with my friends. I don’t know why! I don’t know if society has messed me up or maybe I’m just not enough and there is nothing I can do about it. My only hope is for all of this to be over.

I had to stop writing, it was time to face reality again at 7 am, time for me to get ready for school. As always mom makes breakfast, dad reads the news and they both pretend to love each other. Then the bus arrives, this is always the worst part, I try to sleep but hypocrisy doesn’t let me.

I just like to pretend I didn’t hear anything, I guess it’s the best for all of them and of course for me, anyway two years more and I’m out of this place. That’s what I like to think, that when school is over everything is going to change, but the truth is that outside these walls things are probably even worse. Now I can see those black fences, it was the time of putting on an act. I’m not even in class yet and I can see girls being mean to other girls, boys screaming rude pick-up lines to girls, and everybody simply acting like jerks. And of course, there they came.

“Hi, Emma, how is everything going girl!, didn’t see you on the 4 th of July party this Saturday.”

“Hi Charlotte, Hi girls, everything is great, yeah I had dinner with my parents and some friends of them, I wasn’t able to go, how was it?” I replied smilingly.

“It was actually great, everyone was there, I can’t believe you decided not to go,” she said

“Well, life is hard, I already had plans with my parents as I told you, maybe the next time. It’s almost 8 am, we should be heading to class now, shouldn’t we?” I replied.

“ Yes let’s go” They all answered

“No girls, let’s wait 5 minutes here, we are not doing anything in physics class anyway.” Charlotte gave her opinion one more time even though no one really wanted it.

“Yes, you know what, Charlotte is right,” Mia said And of course, they all responded, “ Totally!”

Certainly, I wasn’t going to stay, so I started walking to physics class, but then I turned myself around to be polite and wave at them, and there they were, bothering Natalie again. I don’t understand their need of making life for others more complicated than what is already is for all of us. I am actually ashamed of being “friends” with them —if you can call that a friendship,— lucky for me nowadays the meaner you are, the more popular you get, due to that, even though I was ashamed and felt disappointed about myself because of being friends with them, nobody even noticed that except me, I can even say people at school respects me more because of my “friends”. I decided to continue my path.

The day was finally over now, or that is what I thought. I’m walking toward the bus stop and then I saw three of them, Charlotte, Olivia, and Mia. And not surprisingly they were humiliating a girl, I could hear, It was because of her clothes and because she loves acting and they believe she looks ridiculous. The girl is crying right in front of them! but they don’t even seem to care, they are too busy thinking they are untouchable and unreplaceable. I decided I was going to wait for them to walk away, but it seems like they weren’t leaving anytime soon. Due to that I had to go and tried to stop it.

“Hello friends, what are you up to?”. I said “Nothing much Em, just talking to a “friend” of ours,

she is called Bianca, and she loves acting”. “Hahahaha”, they all laughed.

“Hello Bianca, I’m so pleased to meet you, Charlotte thank you for the introduction, but I believe Thomas is looking for you in the fields, you should probably go,” I suggested

To what she responded. “Thank you Em, I’m heading there right now, come on girls, peace out Ema.”

“Okay, have a good one girls,” I said

I had to say something to that sweet girl Bianca, she had such a sorrowful face.

“Bianca, I don’t know what they were telling you but try not to listen to them, you are beautiful, talented and they just don’t know what else to do with their life, that’s why they decide to be mean to you”

“Emma right?” she asked. I nodded.

“Well thank you for your kind words, I try not to pay attention but I get tired of having to endure their cruelty.” She said

And I said. “I know it’s hard but believe me, it will get better. I really have to head out now but I loved meeting you. See you around okay?”

“Thank you, Emma, you are such a nice person I’m sorry to say this but I don’t know why you are friends with them, anyway, it’s none of my business. See you around!”. Bianca added.

“Bye Bianca, see you, btw love your skirt. Enjoy your day!”

I get what Bianca meant. I know my friends, I know the way they express themselves and I know it’s hard being the “better person” sometimes, being the one that doesn’t respond with hate or not necessarily with hate, but being the one that simply acts as everything is perfectly fine.

I get on the school bus and finally, after 20 minutes of a dangerous bus ride, I arrive at the bus stop. I just had to walk a few blocks for arriving home. I put my headphones on,

play my favorite rock playlist at maximum volume, and start walking towards home. As I said before I put my music at max volume and still, I can’t feel safe! , I can’t avoid listening to men screaming stupid compliments or rude “macho” compliments at me and looking at me with those creepy faces. I mean for real, don’t they know that’s called harassment?. I decided to run because I was feeling very uncomfortable as every single day I walk on my own in the streets. Finally, I arrive home.

As usual, I lay on my bed and check on my Instagram for a few minutes before taking my nap. It appears I had a follow request from an account called “Feminist” I started checking their profile. Inspiring, that’s the most accurate word I can use for describing it. Of course, I accepted the request and I hit the follow button. I became a-d-d-i-c-t-e-d to that page, just by telling you that I skipped my nap because I was way to entertained. After some weeks I had read all of their posts, I started investigating about feminism, empowering women, and everything that had to do with embracing women and yearning for equality. I was motivated. I understood everything.

Things are not going to change just by a miracle. Sometimes desire is not enough. I could dream of a peaceful, equal, loving word, but as long as I don’t do something about it, no one is going to come and do it for me. Why being ashamed or scared to rise? There’s nothing better than being myself. If I don’t like cruelty I must do something about it, because staying quiet is as awful as being the one damaging others. Seeing all the stories that the Instagram page published, made me realize I’m not the only one feeling the way I feel, but if other women and persons around the world changed things, I could do the same. I could be happy being my original self, making others feel good and enforcing women.

After that moment I understood everything. I understood that life was too short for me to stay living in the way I was, the world is super messed up and I simply can’t pretend everything is alright. If

I’m tired of men degrading women I must stop it, I must work for it. If I’m tired of the way girls treat other girls I must stop that too. I have to speak up, embrace my thoughts, who I am, I am ready to stop playing a game I simply don’t want to play. Certainly, I’m not giving the right to society of stopping me from being me, I’m ready to speak up, to stop injustice, male chauvinism, bullying, and anything that may tear other people down.

The day for putting all of what I said before, in the test has come. It’s Monday, the day for a perfect start. I was motivated, all the important changes, I believe are made on a Monday.

And here a came, dressed as I wanted, with my jean skirt, which I could wear because I wanted to and not because I was looking for men, my sneakers, I felt so comfortable wearing them instead of wreaking high-glittery shoes as Charlotte told me to. I was completely myself, and there’s nothing better than that I can assure you. Just imagine that scene in movies when the mean girls come in and there’s wind all over them and perfect light in their faces, everything just seems to be in slow motion, and of course, everyone looks at them. That’s how I was feeling —except I’m not a mean girl—, I don’t know if I’m looking that flawless or if people are even staring at me, neither do I care, but damn I was feeling good, I was simply feeling renovated and motivated.

Walking to the main hall in school I could see from far away, the boys that are always saying their rude pick-up lines. I didn’t let them start talking I simply say “I don’t know if you screaming nasty things to girls is a joke for you, or if maybe you can’t say something actually sweet to a girl, looking her at her eyes, but I’m asking you to please stop. That makes us feel attacked and disrespected. Have a good day and thank you for listening.” I walked away. I can explain how good it felt, expressing what I felt without being rude to them, except that if they don’t stop, I’m not sure I would be this nice next time.

Now I just had to look for the mean girls and tell them that I’m distancing myself from them.

I saw them at the cafeteria on the table beside the lemon tree and it was now or never the time. My voice was shaking.

“Hello girls, how are you doing today?”. I asked “Hello, Ema!”. They all responded.

“We are just chilling, we are not in the mood for a class this early”. Mia said.

“Oh haha, neither do I...Uhm there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about and I have to tell you as soon as possible, can we talk please?.” I added.

“Yes Ema that’s fine, there’s nothing much to do anyway, so go ahead talk”. Charlotte answered.

“Well maybe you haven’t noticed it, but it’s been a good time now since I’ve felt good in this group. I simply don’t share the way you treat others, I simply have a truly different way of thinking. That’s why I believe is better for all of us if I just distance myself from you for a while.” I said with a frightening tone.

“Well, well Emma. You are not distancing yourself from us. We are distancing ourselves from you and everyone else. There’s nothing else to add. Come on girl.” Charlotte responded

How am I supposed to feel? I am nervous but I feel liberated, free, myself, and peaceful. The day passed in a blink of an eye. I was back on this bus and I was excited about having to confront any bastard that screams something at me. This time I didn’t wear headphones and I didn’t look down hiding from them. I stood right, look at them straight at their eyes, and started screaming not-so-kind things at them. I felt different, I felt I wasn’t afraid anymore.

The next day Charlotte, Olivia, and Mia started to be mean with me. The boys at school weren’t that happy with me either. And maybe they were right and I had made a huge

mistake. But then Bianca arrived with 13 more boys and girls. They started thanking me. Saying that I was an inspiration for them. Charlotte told everyone what I told her and some people reacted badly with me because they were afraid of her, but others were completely surprised and inspired by me.

Everything changed. I had an unhappy and fake life until I decided to be me. At school over time, more and more people stopped being jerks. On the streets, I wasn’t scared anymore because I wasn’t afraid of telling men to stop. When I decided to be myself everything around me changed. I’m not saying I am now known worldwide, but I changed my life for good, and even if I inspired and transformed just one life, being myself, being feminist, and being kind was the worthiest thing ever.