Losada Maglioni Mariana, The War Between The Mind

THE WAR BETWEEN THE MIND

Written By Mariana Losada Maglioni

Excitement ran through my veins at 100mph. I have dreamed about this moment for my whole life. The day I finally graduate had arrived. The night before I couldn’t get any sleep, I was so nervous I can’t describe it. When I opened my eyes, the sun was as bright as a ball of fire; and out of a clear blue sky, the day looked as if it was going to be the best day of my life. I can say that my mother was more excited than I was. She was incredibly proud of having a daughter graduating from medical school, and she knew how hard I studied, the nights I stayed up, the sacrifices I made, she was there with me through the six long years which felt more like a century. It was as if we were both graduating. Arriving at the university had me sweating, seeing all my colleagues, the ones I had to share my accomplishments and struggled with throughout all these years had me so emotional. I did not want to ruin my makeup by crying, so I tried to hold my tears, and also because I was honored to make the graduation speech, I needed to keep myself together to avoid all the nervousness, so I did.

I was surprised to have been selected by the medical staff committee to share my university experience with the rest of the graduates. Being chosen above all the men who were always competing with me and believed they were better just because I was a woman. I made sure to mention it in my speech how gender equality was so important in every aspect of life, and I clarified how men and women need to come together and work as a team, because, in our field, we have to help others, not to compete. I was so proud to represent my classmates and letting them know that I respected every one of them and hoped all of their dreams could come true. The pictures and the diploma were solid proof that I can do everything I truly work for, that I can achieve my goals with effort and dedication.

People usually study because they want to become

professionals that can work at a decent place, to have a regular job, earn an average salary so that they can live a normal life. I have never been a person that conforms with the average, and I always wanted more. I am ambitious, and that explains why I put so much effort into everything I do, I want to be the best, always. I must confess that I hate losing, I still want to be right, and I genuinely detest when people correct me. So when I decided to study medicine, the thing that was most on my mind was about how much money I would have, the recognition and respect I would get, the knowledge I would acquire. So when that moment arrived, I thought I would be relieved and happy, but little did I know that I would devote myself to work and take everything to an extreme.

My mother has always been the most significant role model in my life, and I would always go to her if I needed a piece of advice, she always says “Ella Hill, you were born to change the world, don’t get distracted by the rocks in your path trying to make it harder to climb the mountain.” Although we had a healthy relationship, My mother and I are incredibly different; we shared different opinions towards anything, so you can imagine how living with her in my adult life was. Our disagreements were mainly about how I just couldn’t agree with her way of thinking, even though I’d always follow her advice and listen to her.

My father, on the other hand, is a remarkably calm person, that just agrees and supports my thoughts and decisions. I believe I turned out to be the exact middle point between them. Nevertheless, what I didn’t get from either of them was social skills. I am not a very social person, and I find it hard to relate to people. Starting at the bottom of the chain in the medical field was a challenge. From an early age, when I was only seven years old, I had a vivid image of myself growing up and helping people. Becoming a doctor, and through high

school, being able to attend internships at hospitals, entering surgeries, and having the best grades at my career in the university. I thought that I knew what I needed to achieve a healthy social life while helping others.

Belatedly after, I received the job letter informing me that I had been chosen above 1,000 applicants, to be a general surgeon on the Shaio Clinic. This unexpected news made my heart stop for a second.

When I’m nervous, I tend to talk to myself because I don’t like to be seen as weak or soft, and that’s just a mentality I grew up with. My father used to say that because I was a pretty girl, brunette, tall and slim, with hazel eyes that conquer everyone, I would get everything I wanted. But as I got older, I wanted him to see that I could get everything I wanted through effort and dedication, and not just because I was just a pretty girl. It has always been a goal of mine to fight sexism.

On the first day of work, I had this idea of how amazing my day was going to be. I was convinced to be a remarkable doctor and that they were delighted to have me on board, but it turned out that I was just another inexperienced graduate.

Soon after my arrival, I met the general surgeon that was going to be in charge of me; in other words, my boss, a male boss. I knew he would see me as inferior and weak for being a woman, and also because I was like a child learning how to walk. Notwithstanding; I was eager to learn, I wanted to spend more time in the operating room, assisting my boss, asking questions, waiting for the right opportunity to jump in and perform a surgery myself.

Days went by; I got used to the routine; it was my first real job. I was earning money, but at the same time, It just didn’t fit my expectations of being a doctor. There were days I thought about how I had studied all those years, with all the

dedication and effort just to only work as an assistant, holding instruments and observing operations. I needed more.

It went on like this for a couple of months, where I was only allowed to watch and help, until one day, my boss called me to his office. His name was Derek Fallon, also known as Dr. Fallon. “Dr.Hill, do you feel ready to be left alone in an O.R?” Dr. Fallon asked.

I stood there, practically in shock, thinking if this could be a joke or something, and he added.

“Do I take that as a No?” He asked decisively.

I rapidly reacted, my brain was screaming to me to say yes, and accept the opportunity I was waiting for since I had arrived at the clinic, but my mouth couldn’t spell the words. Dr. Fallon proceeded and say; “Ella, I have been watching you, you have a real talent, you love your career, and you want to help people, my question is, why haven’t you screamed an enthusiastic yes!”

I calmed down and answered him; “Dr.Fallon, it would be an honor, thank you for your faith in me. Can I please have the medical history of the patient I would be performing surgery on.”

Dr. Fallon smirked, and I didn’t know what to say, I was confused, and I couldn’t read his sudden facial expression. Then he carried on and continued saying “I am always as busy as a bee, but you need to be twice as busy as me, and I’m not saying this to make you feel bad in any way, but women need to work a lot harder than men, and that’s a fact.”

From that moment on, I decided that work was going to be my only focus. I burned the candle both ways, and I barely slept most nights, I preferred to study and take shifts at the clinic instead of spending time with my family and friends. They were constantly mad at me, and they were always trying

to distract me from work, they knew how it would affect me later, but at that time I thought they were just annoying and did not listen to them at all. Work became my only friend. I was a caffeine dependant. In my lunch breaks, I slept a bit, because sometimes I couldn’t keep my eyes open during the consultation. I was one hundred percent devoted to my profession, and this was going to cost me later.

Months went by, committed to my responsibilities at the clinic. Besides, Dr. Fallon wasn’t around me a lot. He placed all the operating decisions in my hands. He would say;

“you have spread your wings already; don’t be afraid to fly.

After a while, I became more appreciative of him, for his confidence and trust he had shown from the beginning. Thanks to him, I became the first female cardiac surgeons to perform open-heart surgery in a 5-year-old kid, with an artificial valve I developed.

Even though today I see success differently, This is still one of the most significant accomplishments I endured in my professional career.

As a sequel to that specific moment, all the efforts and sacrifices started to pay off. The admiration I felt from my peers, the respect, and supports other doctors showed me was everything I ever dreamed of, or at least that’s what I thought I wanted at the time. Everything changed from that moment, My family was incredibly proud and so happy for me, but they were also concerned about my mental and physical health. Because when you are a doctor, you are so busy healing others, and all of a sudden, you forget about yourself.

My family explained to me how I couldn’t keep up with this rhythm. My mother said that “I was young to be that deteriorated, tired, and married to my job.” They were so worried about how my eyes that once irradiated light were now tired

eyes, with dark circles formed under my eyes caused by extreme fatigue.

My mother was sorrowful because I am her only daughter, and she needed my attention, but it was like I was trying to distance myself from her. My mother kept telling me how my hair was falling out, how she could see my bones because of how skinny I was, she was so worried about me as if I was a 15-year-old girl.

She also mentioned that I needed to get myself a boyfriend, someone who would distract me from my reality and be there for me. At first, I wasn’t paying that much attention to it because that is what my mother usually says. But Something that I fetched out from the whole intervention was, that; “I was lonely.”

I hadn’t had a boyfriend since high school because I saw men as a distraction that would keep me away from achieving my goals. As an adult now, I realized that I needed somebody to share my life experiences with. Then all of a sudden, I decided to slow down my intensity at work and to spend more time with my family and friends.

I took cases that didn’t require a lot of time, I stopped placing my career, and the thirst for success as a primordial thing and I decided to devote all my free time to my friends and family. My life changed utterly. I felt relieved, happy, and stress-free.

Never had I imagined that a man like Liam was the missing piece in my puzzle. I met him one evening at the clinic. He was a social worker that has traveled around the entire world—a kind human devoted to helping others. Even though we came from two different worlds, we both shared so many things in common.

Here’s when I say that everything happens for a reason. Liam appeared in my life at the exact moment I needed him

the most, and it was love at first sight. And just like that, we fell in love. But Sadly, Liam was only at the clinic for a short period working on a case, and he had to go back to Africa. Still, he seemed very happy doing what he loved and helping as many lives as he could. He described this to me as something magical, something that filled my heart with love and compassion. And that is what; “I wanted that, I needed that.” I told myself.

Days went by, and Our love was too good to last longer. Suddenly the day arrived for Liam to depart to Africa, I was so happy for the time we spent together, but at the same time, I knew how miserable I was going to be without him. He made me a better person, and I wanted to be a better person. Nothing was holding me back here, I wanted to do something new, so I decided to go with him to Africa. I didn’t know if this was the right choice or if my career was ending, I didn’t have a plan b. This was so unlike me, but I wanted to follow my heart liked. I only knew that having Liam by my side was the only peace and security I needed. So I jumped on the plane to Africa.

A few days later, thereafter, Africa turned out to be the best decision I could have ever made. The amazingness of that continent, the magnificence of the people were outstanding. I loved everything that had to do with the culture, the landscape, the animals. And what I loved, even more, was that as a health professional, I was able to work with Liam and do what we both loved while helping others. But it was too much work because; the health conditions over there were critical. Children died every day because of the lack of public health. I was so happy to have studied medicine and able to contribute my knowledge to the medical facilities with nothing in return. I later figured out that I never wanted the fame and the money, but I have always wanted to know that my hands could heal others.

Balance is necessary for every aspect of life. You cannot take everything for granted, and that’s something I had to learn the hard way. It’s gratifying saying how my life story went until now. It took a lot of spins, but in the end, I was able to understand how I didn’t need much to be happy. Nowadays, I feel proud of every decision I made, the goods and the bads, but primarily I am proud of the person I have become and know for sure that I was born to help others.