Supporting Survivors @ Colgate and Beyond This resource packet is a jumping off point for further research and dialogue on sexual and domestic violence, rape culture, and survivor-centric community building.
This packet originally accompanied “Beyond Title IX: Supporting Survivors of Sexual Violence” hosted by the Center for Women’s Studies, Sisters of the Round Table, and The Network. Special thanks to Dawn LaFrance for her support of this event. Compiled by Rachel Drucker ’17 and Allie Fry, WMST PA. Fall 2015
rape culture Key Tenets of Rape Culture • Blaming the victim; teaching rape prevention to potential
committed sexual violence reinforces the myth that false
• Reifying the concept of the “friend zone” or “nice guy;”
victims instead of teaching people not to rape; claiming a
rape accusations are prevalent and pervasive
this rhetoric dehumanizes women. They are viewed as a
victim was somehow “asking for it”
• Perpetuating rape myths such as the myth that rape is
reward for friendship or politeness. It socializes men to
• Promulgating a stereotypical victim who is
committed by strangers jumping out of bushes or a dark
feel entitled to women’s bodies, and for women to feel
cisgender female, heterosexual, able-bodied, white, virginal,
alley; yes, this can and does happen, but the majority of
they owe their time or sexuality to men who are “nice” to them
and privileged; this erases and stigmatizes victims/survivors
perpetrators are known to their victims as friends, family, peers,
• Trivializing rape through rape “jokes” and using the
who have marginalized identities
or acquaintances • Defining assault by the
term flippantly • Perpetuating the myth that
• Shaming women and queer people for having sex, for what
presence of violence instead of the absence of consent
false rape accusations are prevalent
they wear, etc. • Sympathizing/pitying/
• Romanticizing sexual coercion
apologizing for rapists (i.e. newscasters saying a rapist had
• Writing off street harassment as “paying a
a “promising future”) • Celebrating known rapists,
compliment;” street harassment objectifies women and gender
such as prominent actors, athletes, and artists; continuing
non-conforming people and fosters a culture of male
to reward people who have
entitlement to others’ bodies
consequences of rape culture • Survivors and victims are silenced, don’t feel safe to report, and cannot get the help they need or desire • Sexual violence is inevitable • Oppression in all its forms is sustained; sexism, racism, ableism, cissexism, heterosexism, classism, etc, thrive in intersecting ways
Reminders when responding to a sexual assault victim, remember that... • Severe effects can occur for the victim in the short-term and longterm (anxiety, depression, PTSD, defenses/memory lapses) • Many victims will suffer from chronic physical and psychological conditions (e.g., psychosomatic issues) • State-dependent learning may make it difficult to remember • Alcohol and drugs can blur memory and can be used as a weapon • Victims often blame themselves • Victims may doubt their own judgment, feel
Responding Do’s and Don’ts DO • Believe her/hir/him • Be patient • Listen • Empower by giving choices and not making choices for them • Check in frequently • Practice self care. Holding space for others’ trauma can be draining. Process these feelings on your own time
ashamed/humiliated, embarrassed • Safety may be a factor • Concentration may be impaired • Friends may not believe the victim and/or defend the perpetrator • We all have biases – know them and refer if necessary (student affiliations? knowing alleged perpetrator?)
DON’T • Judge the choices a victim made or did not make prior to, during, or after the assault • Blame the victim (even by accident): “were you drinking?” “what were you wearing?” • Make decisions for them, like pressuring them to report or not report • Enforce labels (“You’re a survivor NOT a victim!”) • Make it about you
Support & Self Care “It is not appropriate for you to try to fix your friend. Don’t take away their agency like that. They have to ‘fix’ themselves, that’s why they’re falling apart in the first place. As a supporter, it is your job to create a safe environment for your friend to experience what they need to, not make their problems go away. The most important thing is that you stay out of judgement. You may find you’re carrying more weight than you think you deserve, but you have to remind yourself of your love for this person, of everything they give you when they are well enough to give. This is your friend. The part you play in their well being should be a gift you give, not a burden you shoulder. Stay open and be honest, with yourself and with your friend, about your own needs and limits. Keep the lines of communication open, especially if you’re nearing the end of your rope, and have empathy, no matter how hard it gets. Treat your friend as you would treat any fragile and vulnerable creature: very gently, with kindness and great care.” - Support Zine, Microcosm Publishing, October 2002
Holding Space To truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., we can’t do it by taking their power away (i.e. trying to fix their problems), shaming them (i.e. implying they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them. We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes. • Give people permission to trust their own intuition and wisdom • Give people only as much information as they can handle • Don’t take their power away • Keep your own ego out of it • Make them feel safe enough to fail • Give guidance and help with humility and thoughtfulness • Create a container for complex emotions, fear, trauma, etc. • Allow them to make different decisions and to have different experiences than you would Holding space is not something that we can master overnight, or that can be adequately addressed in a list of tips. It’s a complex practice that evolves as we practice it, and it is unique to each person and each situation. - “What it means to ‘hold space’ for people, plus eight tips on how to do it well” by Heather Plett
Understanding “False” Rape Allegations One derailing tactic in conversations about sexual violence is to claim that false reporting is a major issue, when only 2-8% of sexual assault claims are found to be false, which is on par with other serious crimes. It is also important to consider that many victims are bullied, coerced, or threatened out of reporting, and their recanting is included in “false” allegation statistics. (PS - Men are more likely to be raped than be sexually assaulted than be falsely accused of it.) --“Please, remember my story when you see ‘false rape’ statistics. Remember my friend, who admitted to a false report charge in order to keep her veteran benefits after being discharged (her rapist’s good friend and direct superior handled the case; a discharge was inevitable.) Remember the middle-aged woman I met, still traumatized, who, as a teenager, recanted her story when her rapist (and stepfather) threatened to kill her family. And the many, many others, all unknown, all forgotten– even in the bare statistics, which are often the only testament to our experiences. And we’re denied even that. Instead, our stories, our traumas, are used to stigmatize and further traumatize new victims. It makes me sick to know MRAs can take our numbers and use them to justify their ‘bitches be lying’ stance. I can’t put into words how devastating that is.” - “I am a false rape allegation statistic” by EEB
The Victim/Survivor Dichotomy: In elevating those who “move forward,” the victim/survivor dichotomy implicitly condemns those who do not, reaffirming myths about what constitutes a good versus bad survivor, and legitimizing certain forms of survivorship over others. To be a (strong) survivor is to carry that weight — figuratively, and literally. To be a (weak) victim is to crumble, “stay” silent, engage in self-harm. Compulsory survivorship depoliticizes our understanding of violence and its effects. It places the burden of healing on the individual, while comfortably erasing the systems and structures that make surviving hard, harder for some than for others. You are your own salvation. You are your own barrier to progress. - “Hurry Up and Heal...” Feministing.com
Why Don’t Victims Report? 8 Societal Barriers That Make It Hard to Report Sexual Assault - EverydayFeminism.com 1. The ‘Perfect’ (Or ‘Real’) Victim Narrative - There exists a perception of a legitimate victim by police is typically a morally upright White woman who is physically injured while resisting. In reality, a person of any race, gender, ability, class, sexuality, etc. can be a victim of sexual violence, and sexual violence does not always look the same for every victim. 2. The Myth of the Lie - Because of the myth of a high prevalence of false rape accusations, victims are aware it is unlikely they will be believed by those they report to. 3. The Known Assailant - Reporting that a friend, peer, family member, partner, or acquaintance has sexually assaulted them can make reporting that much harder because of the complex relationships between survivors and known assailants. The majority of victims know their rapist. 4. Victim Blaming - The misconception that it is a victim’s responsibility to prevent rape (i.e. don’t wear certain clothes, don’t go to certain places, etc.) is deeply ingrained into society. So much so that victims may even internalize this myth, believing it is their fault. 5. Campus Mishandlings of Rape - Reporting to campus administrations can often be revictimizing and retraumatizing. 6. Age - According to the CDC, 43% of victims of sexual assault are under the age of 18. Children and youth are less likely to be believed than adults, and power dynamics may prevent them from seeking help. 7. People Don’t Always Call What Happened to Them Rape - Due to internalized victim blaming and being entrenched in a rape culture, an awareness of what constitutes rape is often unavailable to victims. Many deny what happened to protect themselves. 8. Distrust of Law Enforcement and the Legal System - Many communities have a justifiable fear of the police. Our legal system tends to blame victims for their assaults. It is also not uncommon for police and law enforcement to be assailants, making it even harder to report. Rape Prevention is NOT the Victim’s Responsibility.
“A lifetime of warnings doesn't keep women from getting raped. It just keeps us from lives worth living. Of course, in a world where sexual violence is rampant, many are understandably desperate to protect the women they love. While it's comforting to think that more talk about less alcohol will reduce the violence, it's neither illuminating nor true: Women already know the "safety tips." And we suffer violence regardless of whether we follow them — whether we're drunk or sober, in mini-skirts or sweat pants, 18 years old, or 8, or 80.” - “We Deserve to Live Full Lives: Another View,” USA Today
Understanding Intimate Partner Violence Warning Signs: Habits of Abusers Driven by Commitment • “Love at first sight” is a myth • Claiming early on in a relationship that you are “soul mates” • Abusers gain undue trust by flattery and manipulation Superiority Complex • Self-righteous/egotistical tendencies • Attacks other’s self-esteem to boost their own Habitually Jealous • Minor jealous streaks can lead to major ones • Obsessive behavior Habitually Disrespectful • Malicious sarcasm • Condescending remarks Misplaces Blame • Doesn’t take responsibility for actions • Blames others for personal problems Overly Aggressive • Violent outbursts after minor frustrations • Tendency to throw/smash objects in fit of rage
Emotional and Psychological Abuse
• Undermining victim’s sense of worth • Verbal threats, insults, constant monitoring, humiliation, belittling, intimidation, or isolation Physical Abuse
• Any unwanted touching, violent or nonviolent • Pushing, pulling, or grabbing • Throwing objects Sexual Abuse
• Pressure/coercion of anything that is sexual in nature • Restricting access to birth control or condoms • Sexual contact with someone who is not in control of their senses and cannot consent, i.e. drunk or drugged Financial Abuse
• Given an “allowance” and closely watching purchases • Refusal to give money for necessary items • Restricting access to shared bank accounts • Limiting work hours or harassment at place of employment Digital Abuse
• Verbal/emotional abuse that uses technology to bully, harass, stalk, or intimidate • Sending negative/threatening emails/social media messages • Using social media to keep “tabs” on partner • Use of social media to post demeaning comments/pictures of partner • Stealing their partners’ passwords - freedating.co.uk
Staying Safe When You Cannot Leave an Abusive Relationship • Get informed about what’s happening • Hold on to your sense of self • Make a plan Learn more at EverydayFeminism.com: “3 Ways to Keep Yourself Safe When You’re Not Ready to Leave Your Abusive Partner”
SEXUAL CLIMATE GROUPS @ COLGATE
get involved
The Network: Hosts weekly discussions on current issues surrounding sexual violence, including sexual assault and domestic violence, on the Colgate campus and across the globe. Also organizes the annual Take Back the Night event and staffs the Victims of Violence hotline.| Contact: mpaulk@colgate.edu
Survivors of Sexual Assault therapy group:
A space for survivors of sexual assault to seek therapy and counseling in a group setting alongside fellow survivors | Contact: Counseling Center 228-7385 for appointment with Dawn LaFrance or Denise Contreras
Yes Means Yes:
a six week positive sexuality seminar that seeks to foster conversation about sex, sexuality, gender identity, pleasure, and the sexual climate at Colgate | Contact: lrobinson@colgate.edu
Bystander Intervention: a two-hour training program led by student facilitators that demonstrates strategies to prevent gender based violence and intervene safely and effectively in potentially dangerous situations | Contact: bystander@colgate.edu
This is Not a Play About Sex:
a play written by a Colgate alum composed of monologues based on actual interviews with students about experiences with sex, sexuality, gender, gender identity, and the Colgate sexual climate. Performance will take place in Brehmer Theater from 10/2-10/4! | Contact: cwhyte@colgate.edu
Vagina Monologues:
A student run production of a play written by Eve Ensler. It consists of a series of monologues in which women reflect on different aspects of female sexuality, including their own personal experiences with sex and their attitudes toward their genitalia. | Contact: paryan@colgate.edu
Responding to Sexual Assault: What are my options?
After a sexual assault, it is important that a survivor seek support and help in the way ze/she/he sees fit. The following are options, and one can choose to do any or none of these. There is no one way to respond to sexual assault. (See next page)
LEARN MORE
Reporting Options @ Colgate Confidential Reporting What you share in confidence stays between you and this resource. They can help you report if you wish to. • Chaplain’s Office | 315-228-7680 • Counseling Center | 315-228-7385 • Student Health Services | 315-228-7750 Reporting at Colgate To report sexual assault or harassment at Colgate, you can contact • Lyn Rugg, Title IX Coordinator: 315-228-7288 | mrugg@colgate.edu |102 Lathrop Hall • Any Equity Grievance Panel (EGP) member: a list of their names is available by googling “Colgate Equity Grievance Panel” • Campus Safety | 315-228-7911 • Faculty, Staff, or CLs • Faculty, Staff, and CLs are mandated reporters of sexual assault. If you have a trusted fac/staff/CL you would like to talk to, they will direct you to the Title IX Coordinator and can assist you in reporting and locating resources that work best for you. Anonymous Reporting You can anonymously report sexual harassment and assault online at colgate.edu/concern. Reporting to the Police Contact: Hamilton Police (911) • You have the right to file a report with the police regardless of if you file a report with Colgate. Medical Care at Oneida Hospital • You are entitled to medical help without filing a formal report with Colgate or the police. Campus Safety can provide transportation to Oneida. • The hospital can offer you a medical exam, emergency contraception, STI prophylactics (to prevent commonly transmitted STIs), and an evidence collection or rape kit (can involve DNA swabs, photographs documenting injuries, a testimony, and sometimes blood work and/or a urine sample) by a SANE. A SANE is a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner who is trained to provide comprehensive and sensitive care to victims of sexual assault.
EverydayFeminism.com • “Men Holding Each Other Accountable for Rape Culture” • “4 Myths About Intimate Partner Violence in Lesbian Relationships” • “How to Recognize and Respond to Intimate Partner Violence” • “5 Backhanded ‘Compliments’ We Need to Stop Saying to People Who’ve Experience Sexual Violence” • “How Do I Know If I’ve Been Raped?” • “Want to Better Support LGBTQIA and Male Survivors of IPV? Here’s Why We Need More (Not Less!) Gender Analysis” • “These 7 Common Responses to Sexual Violence Are Actually Really Harmful - Here’s What to Say Instead” • “Our Society Divides Sexual Violence Survivors into ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’ - And There’s an Oppressive History Behind It” • “5 Things to Consider After a Recent Sexual Assault” • “8 Societal Barriers That Make it Hard to Report Sexual Assault” • 3 Ways to Keep Yourself Safe When You’re Not Ready to Leave Your Abusive Partner” •
Feministing.com • “It’s On Us to Go Beyond Us” • “Hurry up and Heal”
USA Today • “We Deserve to Live Full Lives: Another View”
Storify • “Bystander Intervention Can Cause More Problems than it Solves” - Lauren Chief Elk
Questioning Transphobia • “Trans Friendly Rape Survivor Resources”
Mic.com • “11 Ways to Solve Rape Better than Nail Polish”