How We Learn Who We Are: An Oral History of Storytelling in Alcoholics Anonymous

Excerpts from:

Selected excerpts from:

How We Learn Who We Are: An Oral History of Storytelling in Alcoholics Anonymous By Lily Doron

May 2021 A thesis submitted to the faculty of Columbia University In partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Degree of Master of Arts in Oral History

Table of Contents Preface M name is and I m an alcoholic ............................................................................. 4 Introduction ............................................................................................................................................ 6 About Alcoholics Anonymous ....................................................................................................... 6 Storytelling in Alcoholics Anonymous ...................................................................................... 9 The Long-Form Story ..................................................................................................................... 14 Methodology ......................................................................................................................................... 16 Narrator Recruitment ................................................................................................................... 16 The Interviews ................................................................................................................................. 17 Transcription ................................................................................................................................... 19 Narrator Review .............................................................................................................................. 19 Preserving Anonymity .................................................................................................................. 20 Accompanying Audio ..................................................................................................................... 20 The Narrators ....................................................................................................................................... 22 Sarah .................................................................................................................................................... 22 Claire ................................................................................................................................................... 22 David ................................................................................................................................................... 23 Chris ..................................................................................................................................................... 23 Part I: The What It Was Like Story ................................................................................................ 24 Introduction to the What It Was Like Story .......................................................................... 25 Interview Content: Examples of the What It Was Like Story .......................................... 28 Listening to the What It Was Like Story ................................................................................. 41 Defining the Alcoholic Identity ............................................................................................................ 41 Identifying with the Alcoholic Identity ............................................................................................ 45 Becoming Part of the Fellowship ........................................................................................................ 49 Diversity ....................................................................................................................................................... 51 Keeping the Past in Mind ....................................................................................................................... 53 Telling the What It Was Like Story ........................................................................................... 56 Qualifying as an Alcoholic ...................................................................................................................... 56 Adopting the Alcoholic Identity .......................................................................................................... 58 Counter-Narrative .................................................................................................................................... 62 Gaining Greater Self-Understanding ................................................................................................. 64 Learning from the Past ........................................................................................................................... 68 Reminding Members How Far They Have Come ......................................................................... 70 Greater Empathy, Less Shame, More Connection ........................................................................ 71 Ch i g Tell O e Wha I Wa Like S ............................................................................. 75

Part II: The What Happened Story ................................................................................................ 78 Introduction to the What Happened Story ............................................................................ 79 Interview Content: Examples of the What Happened Story ............................................ 82 Listening to the What Happened Story ................................................................................... 95 Hitting Bottom ............................................................................................................................................ 95 Seeing AA as a Solution ........................................................................................................................... 99 Becoming Invested in AA .....................................................................................................................102 Finding a Higher Power ........................................................................................................................104 Tips and Strategies .................................................................................................................................109 Relapse ........................................................................................................................................................113 Telling the What Happened Story .......................................................................................... 115 Interpreting Events the AA Way .......................................................................................................115 Newcomer Retention .............................................................................................................................119 In the Middle of the Pack .....................................................................................................................122 Part III The What It s Like Now Stor ...................................................................................... 127 Introduction to the What It s Like Now Stor .................................................................... 128 Interview Content Examples of the What It s Like Now Stor .................................... 131 Listening to the What It s Like Now Stor ........................................................................... 149 The Benefits of Sobriety .......................................................................................................................149 Deali g i h Life Challe ge ...........................................................................................................152 Concrete Examples of Abstract Ideas .............................................................................................153 Becoming Teachable ..............................................................................................................................157 Listening Always Changes ...................................................................................................................158 Humility ......................................................................................................................................................162 Telling the What It s Like Now Stor ..................................................................................... 165 A Program of Action ...............................................................................................................................165 Putting Values into Practice ................................................................................................................167 Being of Service .......................................................................................................................................170 Continuing Reflection and Growth ..................................................................................................176 Conclusion .......................................................................................................................................... 178 Appendix 1: Twelve Steps ............................................................................................................. 183 Appendix 2: Twelve Traditions ................................................................................................... 184 Appendix 3: Twelve Promises ..................................................................................................... 185 Notes ..................................................................................................................................................... 186 Bibliography ...................................................................................................................................... 201 Acknowledgements ......................................................................................................................... 204

Preface: M

a ei

a d I m an alcoholic.

These are typically the first words spoken when introducing oneself during an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting: when standing to explain he da twelve s e

g a

i g ha i g

eadi g he

cl i g he

meeting for the day, and more. Sometimes, the language varies. Someone might say, M

a ei

a dIa

addicted to alcohol or I have alcoholism or I am powerless over alcohol. But those alternate statements are less common and their meanings are the same, or nearly so. For those in the program, making that I am an alcoholic statement for the first time can be a relief. It can be scary. It can give them a community. It can emphasize an understanding of self. It can be one step in a long journey. It can be a reminder that alc h lic i

f h

he a e a d i i

g i g a a Th

gh alc h lic i

hei

whole identity they are children, sisters, fathers, wives; they are scientists, teachers, retail workers, in the military, unemployed; they are elderly, they are young; they are gardeners, athletes, musicians, travelers, volunteers it is an important part of it. B

did he ge he e H

did he

each he

f ad

i g alc h lic a

one of their identities? What does it mean to them to do so? And why is it important that they keep saying I am an alcoholic years after they have stopped drinking? Based on oral history interviews with four AA members, this book provides answers to these questions and others, by exploring identity formation through storytelling in AA. To do so, it delves into the narrative framework AA encourages program members to follow when telling their life stories. This framework features three segments that form the a c

Wha I Wa Like childhood, discovering alcohol, and descending into

problem drinking; 2) What Happened hitting a low point that spurred a change and fi di g AA a d

Wha I

Like N

getting sober and living life as someone who still

identifies as an alcoholic but is no longer actively drinking. The storytelling process in AA is two- ided i i a d elli g

l e li e i g

Thi book examines how both sides of this process interact with the

5 three segments of the AA narrative to impact program members

a di g f

the alcoholic identity entails, and their adoption of that identity for themselves. It looks at the identity shift from a drinking non-alcoholic to a drinking alcoholic to a sober alcoholic, including internalizing the various traits and values central to those identities. And it illustrates how the overarching AA narrative framework acts as a blueprint for how to assume the alcoholic identity, get and stay sober, and then live life as a sober alcoholic into the future.

….

The Narrators SARAH Sarah grew up in the northeastern United States. Her parents had a loving relationship, attended church regularly, valued education, and instilled strong moral values in her. Sarah started drinking in high school, but did not cross the line into alcoholic drinking until she graduated from junior college and began working. She continued drinking while completing an undergraduate degree. Many years later, she also earned a graduate degree. She spent time in two rehab centers; the day after she entered the second one was her first day of lasting sobriety. After leaving the rehab center, Sarah started attending AA meetings. She participated in AA in the northeast before moving to North Carolina, where she has been going to AA meetings ever since. At the time of these interviews, Sarah is in her late sixties and has been sober for 37 years.

CLAIRE Claire grew up in an alcoholic home. She started drinking regularly with her older sister when she was in high school, and continued drinking and using drugs heavily in c llege O e da

hile i c llege Clai e f ie d i

i ed he

a AA meeting and she

accepted. Though she did not get sober immediately, she kept going to meetings, eventually achieving lasting sobriety in her early twenties. She later went back to school to get her PhD, and since then has worked steadily. Claire has participated in various AA groups in North Carolina. At the time of these interviews, Claire is in her early fifties and has been sober for 30 years.

DAVID David grew up in the northeastern United States. His early childhood was a utopia

until his father died and David had to figure out how to grow up. He was

supported by a strong family system, including uncles and his grandmother. David started d i ki g

feeli g

a d d ead ha bega

i h hi fa he

dde

death. He went to college, then worked for a while, and later returned to school to get a Ma e

deg ee Af e g ad a i g he

k a j b i Fl ida

he e he

e a d

a ied hi

wife. It is also where he realized he had a drinking problem, started AA, and got sober. His job then took him and his wife to Texas, where he also participated in AA. He was sober for fifteen years, but when he moved back to his childhood city in the northeast and met back up with his old friends, he relapsed and started drinking again. He had some experience with AA in the northeast, but did not stay sober. David then moved to North Carolina, where he started going to AA regularly again and regained lasting sobriety. At the time of these interviews, David is in his late sixties and has been sober for 15 years.

CHRIS Chris grew up in the southern United States. Alcoholism was present for generations in his extended family, but no one in his immediate family struggled with addiction. He had a really good childhood,

with many opportunities. Chris started drinking and doing

drugs in high school as a solution to depression and his feelings of being out of place and separate from others. He went to college straight from high school, and continued on to get a PhD, while still drinking heavily and using drugs. After earning his doctorate, Chris started working, and his alcoholism and drug addiction progressed. Eventually, a series of events took him to a psychologist, who pointed him to AA. He attended his first AA meeting in North Carolina, got sober, and has been participating in AA ever since. At the time of these interviews, Chris is in his early thirties and has been sober for three and a half years.

Part I: The What It Was Like Story

Introduction to the What It Was Like Story The first part of the typical AA narrative arc describes what it was like when one a d i ki g Thi fi

e i AA

a a i e bl e i

defi e he alc h lic ide i

T d

so, it establishes common characteristics of alcoholics using examples from program e be

li e bef e a d d i g he i e he

e e ac i el d i ki g The ba ed

on that description, individuals can adopt and accept the alcoholic identity for themselves. The What It Was Like story is often chronological, following the journey of the a a

g e i

alc h li

P g a

e be

typically begin telling their

[What It Was Like story] by describing their initial involvement with alcohol.

Many What

It Was Like stories feature accounts of growing up in alcoholic homes, around alcoholic parents or other family members, or having a history of alcoholism in the family. AA believes that alcoholism is a disease, and program members who emphasize a hereditary risk for alcoholism help support this view. What It Was Like

ie al

icall fea

a i ee

e ie ce f

childhood or young adulthood that one believes (often based on later reflection done in AA) initially pushed them towards alcohol. In this way, these stories can be seen as an alc h lic

igi

b del i g i

he feeli g a d

i ai

ha led he

di ec l

or indirectly, to take their first drink and begin the descent into alcoholism. Though the specific events of each What It Was Like story are different one person might come from a privileged background, another might have been poor; one person might have had many friends growing up, another might have felt they had none the motivating emotions behind their actions and their drinking tend to be similar. Common emotions expressed in AA narratives center on feeling alone, isolated, and always outside the group; feeling painfully unique or different than others; being depressed; having low self-esteem; and feeling inadequate. In many What It Was Like stories, alcohol is seen as a solution to these negative emotions that often works at first, making one feel better, more confident, and as though they can fit in and relate to others. Thus, Members often describe early experiences with alcohol positively.

26 Once the drinking starts, then the What It Was Like story typically becomes an account of significant events that happened while the narrator was drinking, and the effects of those events on their relationships, self-esteem and self-perception, work or school, and mental and physical health. Examples commonly include worsening relationships with significant others and with family, having to drink more (and sometimes use drugs) to make it through the work day, feeling constantly sick, and hurting those around them. Because What It Was Like stories often center on the feelings and motivations that spurred the drinking, from this perspective, they can be remarkably similar despite differences in the details. In many cases, the types of problems mentioned above exacerbate feelings of depression, isolation, and pain, which in turn motivate more drinking, and a vicious cycle develops, leading deeper and deeper into alcoholism. I

e e i g he

ble he a a

drinking caused, the mistakes they made,

and the negative or dangerous situations they found themselves in, What It Was Like stories often highlight the transition from alcohol being a solution, to alcohol being the i a

ce f he a a

blems. (At the time this transition was occurring,

individuals typically did not see it in this way. Instead, this analysis comes through e

al eflec i

a a d

e d i ki g d

e h

gh AA

Instead of admitting their alcohol problem at the time, however, often narrators say they were in denial that their drinking was out of control and causing harm; they typically identified as drinking non-alcoholics. At this point in the What It Was Like story, some members share stories of attempting to cut back (instead of cut out) alcohol, which not only did not solve their problems, but often led to lowered self-esteem and worse feelings of depression. Or they discuss failed attempts to quit drinking, such as by entering rehab facilities, seeing psychologists, or trying AA and relapsing. Often they highlight how and why they failed, which is usually because they did not fully believe alcohol was the problem or because they did not truly want to get sober at the time. By describing the journey into alcoholism, highlighting common feelings and motivations for drinking, and sharing common expressions of denial, What It Was Like stories establish what it means to be an alcoholic. The very nature of storytelling in AA how alcoholic narrators self-identify as alcoholics, recount their experiences, combat denial, and are surrounded by the fellowship of other alcoholics

makes space for

27 acce a ce f AA

e alc h lic ide i

b b h li e e

a d elle

Thi

e i e e ial f

elling blueprint, because once individuals adopt the alcoholic identity, it

provides a path for a future course of action.

Interview Content: Examples of the What It Was Like Story Below are excerpts from the interviews in which the narrators discuss what it was like before and while they were drinking. Follow this link to listen to the accompanying audio: http://bit.ly/WIWL_audio

Claire:

Ig e i a alc h lic h e a d I a l ge ha h ee i e M fa he a d k hen my mother was giving birth to e ha he a a d he had call I hi k e f he sisters to come get her out of the hospital and drive her and me home a a bab A d he a i le I l ha e a fe e ie f hi growing up. I know very few memories of my childhood from really early on, and I think a lot of it is because I blanked it out on purpose.43

Chris:

I grew up in an upper-middle class family, came from very highlyeducated parents, had a lot of opportunities growing up. I had a really g d childh d I did ha e a ggle B alc h li a d d g addiction are in my family. There is a long history of that throughout, going back through grandparents and great-g a d a e I bee a part of our family history for a long time, and I think there is probably something genetic associated with that. But there was no alcoholism in my immediate family. My parents are not alcoholics; my sister is not an alcoholic. I guess that makes me the lucky one.44 We kind of kept distance from a lot of those people in the family, babl beca e he e e alc h lic a d he e diffic l e le be a d I ac i e alc h li i ea be a d Id hi k d i g he i e I d eall ec g i ed h big of a problem it had bee I d be like Your second cousin is arrested again. It was just the little family gossips that you would hear about. It was not a problem that I recognized that it would affect me. But it did.45

Sarah:

I am the third child of four children to a couple that instilled a lot of great moral values. One of the things that I always admired about my parents were they would have been married 64 years if my father had lived to October 14th, and they never fought. So they set a great

29 example of loving, cohesive relationships. Although a lot of people would say I was the black sheep of the family, actually my older sister and brother (laughs) were the black sheep. And I say this with tongue in cheek I learned by their mistakes of what not to do. My ick a e a Eddie Ha kell I d k if e fa ilia i h Leave it to Beaver I a a fa il i c back i he ea l Eddie Haskell was the teenage boy that was always very polite, wellmannered around the adults, but he was always the instigator and made a lot of trouble when he got around his peers. That was me.46 It was a great childhood. I grew up in an Irish Catholic neighborhood. Back then, contraceptive devices were not approved of by the church, so right next door to me I had a family of six; across the street we had another family of six; down the street, family of nine; a little bit further down, a family of twelve. We had a great neighborhood of kids, so in the nice months we were always playing kick soccer I guess you all call it kickball down here hide and seek, all kinds of wonderful games. So it was a great childhood. However and I think this lends to part of my feelings of feeling insignificant it was Irish Catholic and we were WASP: white Anglo-Saxon Protestants. And there were only four children in the family. So, of course, we were the one family that just did not equal the rest of the great neighborhood.47 A he ig ifica e e I d hi k I was classified as a gifted child, but I was quite intelligent, I am quite intelligent. I had always been in the A group at school. I started school in the fifth grade and my father was in a controversial issue with the Board of Education. On the third day of school, I was taken out of the A group and I was put into the D group, which was the bottom group. Again, that made me feel different from. It was a very traumatic experience. I remember for the next three days, I just cried my eyes [out] the entire ti e I did understand what had happened; why had this happened? I was a pawn in the game of the Board of Ed against my father. On the fourth day, I was put back into the A group. But again, part of that low self-esteem, I felt that all the other people my classmates, my peers were all talking about me behind my back, pointing fingers at me, snickering, and so on. So that, to me, allowed me to withdraw a little bit more into myself. It was also the beginning of me learning how to be a chameleon, putting on whatever face you required of me to fit in at that particular time. 48 Tha a li le bi ab h I a B if had a ked e I ld have said I had a wonderful childhood, that it was idyllic. Again, great moral values. Parents put a lot of emphasis on education and religion. We e e he fa il ha e ch ch e e S da a d e e e dropped off, we all sat together in church.49

A he e I ca e e be g i g ch ch S da A dI can remember my mom one day going (makes elbowing motion) like that to me, you know, Pray. I be di g head a d I l ki g he lef a d he igh a d e e hi g a d g i g G d li e i g e He li e i g all he e he e le Tha a belief ha I i ig ifica . These other people have far more important things or a far better connection to a God that they understood through their religion than I did. But I think even though religion was very i a I ca h e l a ha I fel c ec ed eligi A d religion, or spirituality, was one of those things I fought in sobriety. I felt very strongly that God had rejected me, not I who had rejected God.50 David:

When I was 13, my father died, and that was quite a shock. I had this normal family and then all of a sudden my father dies and life turns ide d The i g he died cle Ed he was about six foot two, a d I ea ld e e e a d I like fi e f nothing at that point he c e e He a fa he be f ie d He came over and he sat me down on the edge of the bed. He was really gruff fa he I alia he I i h b he a eall g ff and he said, A lot of peo le a e g i g be elli g e he a of the house now and you got to take care of your mother and your b he I ll ell ha Y e a a Y eab A di j b ake ca e f he a d b he Tha ha I m f S c e ea d ab bei g a b a d I ll about helping you take care of your mother and your brother and doing that stuff. I never forgot that.51 So over the years, I was with him. He took me to college. For my first trip to college, we packed up the car and he drove me up to college. The fi i eIg d k a d did a g h e I k cked hi d a f cl ck i he i ga d ke hi a d a a d said, I d k g h e Wha a I g i g do? Of course, his first comment was, You damn fool! So no sympathy, no.52

Claire:

In a lot of alcoholic homes and this is true of mine e beli led b a e a d ha ed a d ld be ie A d he he ll i you off of each he a d he e ll be he e kid h he g d kid f 53 a while. Wha I d i he e hi g eall e e b he e Id g ie e i I j e e di d e e i Tha ha I d hich i f c e heal h B ha babl h Ij d a alk ab hi a ell A d I d feel like I did ha e he

31 childh d I a ed a d I i h I had i e I a cl e ha e ha A d I d g ie e i I j t shut it off.54

One sister, she is the one who taught me everything I know about drinking and using drugs. She kind of got me started, and I was like her little pet. She would put me in the back of her [car]. She and her b f ie d ld d i e a d a d he I d g e hei h ea d 55 e d d i k a too much alcohol and so forth. Id e e be he I fi had a d i k I d e e be he I fi ked a hi g like ha Le a I a ed d i ki g he I a like Id k I a a la e d i ke I just know that I a ed d i g a l f i i high ch l a d i h ha i e a d I did really do it with people my own age at school because they thought I was a goody-two- h e a d I had kee i ha a S a people knew in high school.56 David:

Up until my father died, there was a period of utopia. Everything was fine. And during the period of my father dying until graduating from college and becoming a teacher, it was trying to grow up. It was cool to be a teenager. I wanted to be a teenager. I wanted to go out. I wanted d ff Did ha e a gi lf ie d b eh ga d i big g and stuff like that. And I had a lot of friends. I had a ton of friends, but all different kinds of friends: smart friends, dumb friends, hoodlum friends, goody-two-shoes friends, all different kinds of friends. I knew everybody in town, everybody knew me. It was a small town. I was polite and I got along. We played sports and we played baseball.57 B he e a al a ha de c e d i g ha e i d f he the other shoe going to drop? Because my father had died and that was a h ck I ai i g f he e e S I had fig e h le ha g H d I le ha g G he b le D he c ea I d a hea ha c ea a e A d he I did ha he c ea g ie I did hea i S I m cool, you know. N I c l 58 All my friends are doing it. The e all d i g i i c llege We e all ha i g ciga e e I he igh Ciga e e a d bee Y ge a girlfriend and you make spaghetti and you set a nice tablecloth and it was all different, like playing house.59

Chris:

I think [I] probably was 13 or 14, and [I] was going through that puberty time and feeling incredibly uncomfortable with myself and uncomfortable with what was going on, just feeling weird all the time.

32 My parents drink normally, so it was around the house. School, it was actually probably easier to get pot than it was to get alcohol. So when I heard that people were doing these things and it made them feel better and I felt miserable all the time, it was an obvious thing that I needed to try that as soon as possible (laughs).60 It was just around, it was not difficult to get a hold of. And frankly, I think the majority of the people that I did that with, in high school and even later, they go on and cut it out at some point and become normal e le Tha a e I was not possible for me. Once I got started, I could not stop. And that was from the get-go.61 I hi k ea l i b ie he I a ill ggli g i h ha A I eall a alc h lic eb d aid How do you feel after one beer? I was like, Kind f c a J e I ha g ea eall I need a lea Id hi k I e e had j ed i ki life If I did I did like i I a e e e gh A d I had hi b e i ha I c ld d i kj he igh a he e I ld t get sloppy and break stuff and upset people. But I always, always overshot it. Because if there was that line, I was never comfortable at it. I needed to go further to start feeling normal, as I would think.62 I was a fearful person. I have low self-esteem. I have a lack of confidence. And these are just parts of me that can be worked on. But a he ha ki g he I j ade a e e i a d aid I a not those things anymore. I am confident and I am strong-willed and whatever the opposite of e i i e i la gh Tha a he i age I would put out, that I had the answers, I had the solutions, I was doing he igh hi g I ake a l f k h ld ha he that is not me at all (laughs).63 I e had he alc h lic beha i a d alcoholic tendencies for a long time. That fear and sensitivity and low self-esteem and desire to be somebody different than who I was all contributed to that first drink and to making that first drink be such a good solution.64 I think the first time I ever drank when I really drank I got an older kid to buy me two six packs. I sat there and drank eight of them in a row without stopping and blacked out and all that stuff. So I was born this way.65 Claire:

Then I went to college and it was like Lord of the Flies I always say this beca e i a like M he a he e ha e he li le i g i e a d I a like Ya I ca d ha e e I a 66

33 So in college, [I] drank a lot, did a lot of drugs. Drugs were easier because the drinking age was 21. I could get drugs, and it was much ha de ge alc h l I al liked d g a l e a d I ll a h because I can manufacture the emotional response or feeling I want, he e a ide a sortment and array of things to choose from and e i I ca a fac e Whe ea i h alc h l he e j alc h l a d ha e feeli g Oh a d beca e he d g did ake e h up. I hate throwing up. And also, sadly enough, you can fool people and he ill ha e cl e ha e a i ea fd g beca e e d i g he h le d ke bli g a und, 67 slurring your words thing. S he e e e all he e ad a age d i gl f d g ha e e so much with alcohol. But I always did the alcohol, too. And could always drink way more than one would imagine for someone my size. I was probably 100 pounds in college or something like that. I could d i k ha i e f i e b f ie d h a like i f f de the table practically. Well, he kept up with me, we b h ke Tha my point.68 Sarah:

In this time frame, I was living up in Massachusetts and a friend of mine was from Virginia. We decided to go down there, so I was living in [Virginia] not for very long. We decided that we wanted to go to Calif ia Agai f ee l e hi ie We g j b i a a al ba and it was a strip club. I was not a stripper (laughs), I was a bartender. We saved all our money and everything, and I guess in September, we took off for California. We got as far as Colorado and the money ran We g ha fa a d e aid Oka le ge j b We ll a e e e e a d he e ll head Calif ia Well we c ld fi d k I called h e a e house and asked them to send me money so I could come home. So they did. I took my friend[s] back to [Virginia], dropped them off, and drove on back to Connecticut.69 This is where I actually think that I crossed the line into alcoholic drinking. My father had his own company, and usually from midSeptember to early November, he was traveling. Because there were kid a h e he al a e i h hi S he e e gone from the house. My father always had a well-stocked liquor I going to say room. They owned a home down in the Virgin Islands, and women down in St. Croix used vodka to clean their windows. Tha h i e e i e i a I a chea e e dka ha i a to use Windex or something. So my father would always ship back cartons of liquor after a trip to St. Croix. He had a room down in the basement that was just cases and cases and cases of liquor.70

At this point in time, I was 21, so I was free to drink. My father actually had made a decision as a teenager to allow me to drink at home. He wanted to teach me how to drink like a lady. So I was coming back from [Virginia] after dropping my friends off, and there was a corner liquor store. And e e be i g ha a e a e h e he h e is going to be empty, all mi e he did ca e if I d a k I felt this overwhelming need to stop at the liquor store and buy myself a quart of vodka. I got into the car and I emptied everything out of my handbag, which was more like a sack, and hid it at the bottom of my handbag, h e e e hi g back fi d e a e house, snuck up to my old bedroom, hid that bottle of vodka, and then went downstairs and proceeded to start drinking their liquor. That fea if I a ed a he d i k a d I did a he k w how much I was drinking, that was my safety net. I had a bottle hidden in my room, so I could go and drink if I wanted to.71 That night was the first night I went into a blackout. My funny story about that was when I went up to bed that night, I fell into bed and my h gh a I h ld ha e g abbed a gla f a e I g i g be eall c h he I ake Tha a la c ci thought. When I woke up the next morning, there were ten glasses of water. There were a couple on the floor next to either side of the bed, he igh a d A d eac i a Wha he hell i hi I a Oh G d I be lee alki g I a il I g AA that I learned that that was a blackout.72 At that point in time, I had no self-esteem. I felt like a real failure. I mean I had to run to mom and dad and I asked them for money to c e h e I c ld ake ca e f elf I a li i g a h e A d I started searching for those things that would make me feel or what I thought would make me feel whole, connected.73 Chris:

I was married at the time. I was having a lot of problems in my a iage beca e I d i ki g e e da The ha I c ld e was to drink basically from as soon as I got home from work until I passed out, and then find a way to get up in the morning and get to work. Then I could manage just long enough to finish the work day before I needed to come home and start it all over again. So that left very little time for me to have a true relationship with my spouse. So obviously, there was a lot of trouble in that relationship.74 I think she was the first person that told me I was an alcoholic. But it a l l i I did ha e a he l i he a ha I felt. This was the only thing that I could do that would make me feel

35 normal. So the idea of giving up alcohol was inconceivable because I c ld a d elf he I a be S I a stuck. I had no other options.75 Sarah:

I graduated from junior college, and I worked for about three or four ea bef e I e back a d g de g ad a e deg ee Those few years in between, I was living up in Massachusetts and partied hard. I had a good job, had my own place actually, I had my own place for a little bit and then I moved in with a bunch of other people, j I had e e Id k ece a il he he I ld e termed myself as alcoholic. I drank a lot. I also i a he so I did a lot of other things. I probably have tried everything except he i B i eall did i e fe e I ked I did call i ick because of a hangover or anything like that. At that point, a lot of times e e h gh I a a child f he a d he e i a e common for our parents to have cocktail parties, it was very common for my father to come home from the city, sit down, and have a cocktail or two before dinner ha a h I a d i g he eek I d c e home from work and have a cocktail or two, or I might go to Happy Hour and have a cocktail or two, and that would be it and come home. But on the weekends, all bets were off.76

Claire:

I had a friend who told me I smoked too much dope. She had burned a hole in the roof of her mouth with powdered ecstasy, and she told me I smoked too much dope. I was very resentful about that (laughs). I de if he ali e I eall d The e a e a l f e le f c llege I de if he e ali e I had e f ie d h ed c k She did needles and she would do heroin. She got sober, I saw her in an AA ee i g I h e he ill be I h e he ill ali e A a ha was the point of all that? Oh, yeah. I was the crazy one.77

Sarah:

I graduated and I had one or two jobs, just temporary type of things, and then I finally got a good job. At this point in time, I also really felt like I needed a man in my…. life. I needed that. That was what was going c le e e Tha a ha g i g ake e h le S I f d that man in a bar (laughs)Text and I was with him for quite a few years. We li ed ge he O e f he hi g ha e alk ab i AA i ha I not allowed to point my finger and call another person an alcoholic. Normally I will not. However, I do feel very comfortable pointing my finger at this particular man and saying he was a rip-roaring drunk. He was a very violent drunk and I lived with him for probably about two years.78

Listening to the What It Was Like Story DEFINING THE ALCOHOLIC IDENTITY There is not a universal-definition of alcoholism or an alcoholic. One prevalent societal perception is that alcoholism can be defined as excessive alcohol consumption, i.e., ha a ce ai

fd i k

e da

eek i

beca e e

bodies respond differently, the amount of alcohol that makes one person drunk might have little effect on another. Other widespread ideas are that alcoholics drink constantly, carrying alcohol with them wherever they go; or that an alcoholic is someone who, whenever they drink, gets stumbling or black-out drunk. However, these notions can be i leadi g While

e alc h lic habi

a fi he e a e

all d A d he e

characterizations do not make space for alcoholics who are no longer drinking. I c

AA defi i i

f ha i

be a alc h lic i

dependent on

the amount or pattern of the drinking itself. Instead, the program defines an alcoholic in the 1st S e

hich a e

We ad i ed

become unmanageable.

e e e

e le

e alc h l that our lives had

As such, AA centers its definition on the emotional state of the

individual and the impact alcohol has had on their life. This definition is abstract, however, and therefore vague and open to interpretation. Without clearly delineated criteria such as a set number of drinks that distinguishes normal from problem drinking b h

cie al

a d AA defi i i

lea e a

opportunity for denial. I deed de ial ab al

e e

e alc h li

e Wha I Wa Like

bef e e e i g he F

e a

g a

e e

he David was first asked

whether he might be an alcoholic, he expressed his denial outright. He explains, Whe I a ed

ki g

hi k

i hac

igh ha e a d i ki g

he a he fi ble

e e

aid

e Did

e e

Chris has a similar story of trying to convince himself he was not an alcoholic. He ha e

illi g

ad i ha I d a k

ch b

illi g

ad i ha I

42 was an alcoholic, and I would use any mental trick I could to convince myself I wa alc h lic I B

ld ake a da

I d a beca e I c Sa ah

e e e

ff f

d i ki g I

ld ake ha da gh hi

I e ded

ld i back a d a

ld ha e i I d ha e i he h le i e

ff I

a She e

a alc h lic

lai

aki g Dea

li fi e f h e e e e

Tha

be a d

back

k D

k d

la d

f ix

ad beca e I

ell Tha

essentially how I looked at things. I could drink like I wanted to, but when I felt guilty, I c

ld al a

fi d ea

d i ki g

bad

Overcoming this denial is a challenge, as it involves transforming the way one perceives oneself. Before they reach AA, individuals typically see themselves as drinking non-alcoholics, even though others may view their drinking as problematic. In the program, h

e e ad

i ga d

b e

e l acce i g

e alcoholic identity are essential steps

on the road to sobriety. Without acknowledging a problem, it is nearly impossible to face that problem head on and make the choice to change. Therefore, AA insists rigorous honesty is key to getting and staying sober. The Big Book makes this explicit when it states, A

alc h lic ca able f h

recover.

e l faci g hi

ble

i ligh

e ie ce ca

Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these

are indispensable

100

Sharing What It Was Like stories is one way AA programming works to model honesty and fight denial, especially for those listeners new to the program who might not e ha e acce ed hei alc h lic ide i

The e

ake he ab

ac c

i AA

definition being powerless and having an unmanageable life concrete, and therefore relatable, by presenting personal examples that illustrate what these look like in practice. For instance, What It Was Like stories can feature discussions of how the speaker came to realize they were powerless over alcohol, such as when Chris states, At times c

g i g

decide he he ha

e Ic

a g i g

ld hi k I d

Si ila l ea l i AA Da id a

d i k I

a j

d i k a dI

g i g ld

d i k I

ill d i k

a j

101

I made a promise that I would never drink again.

And when I broke that promise [years later], what I had to learn is that alcoholics can't make that promise, because powerless means you can never make the promise. You just got to take it a day at a time

102

43 Illustrating the same point, Sarah describes having a single drink one Friday night af e c

i gh

gla

I did

d i k igh

fi i hed ha d i k

ee I ca d i k e

he fi

ehab She a

f he b

a hed

gla

all I

I did everything right. I got a shot

I d a k ha d i k e

l Whe I

e e

k I

hi g a a

a alc h lic The

e all

g ab

103

Sarah he

ade a

he f ll

i g

eeke d

ade

elf

ha e a

ble

104

i e

he elf ha he

ha e a

he d i k

She held out for the week, and when Friday night arrived, she

ed i k a e

i h alc h l

105

i e

a dI a e e

i ced ha I did

She made the same promise again, but this time only

lasted until Thursday. By Saturday night she was drunk. Sa ah

ake clea ha c

e e

e ab

alc h lic

such as that

alcoholics are messy, chug liquor quickly, or are too impatient to even pour it into a glass ca be i e ali ed a d he ef e hel f el de ial if e

ec ed a e

I c

e d i ki g habi d

i g AA c i e ia Sa ah does fit the definition of an

alcoholic because she is powerless over alcohol, as demonstrated by her story: she is ultimately incapable of deciding not to drink. What It Was Like stories are also full of examples illustrating the second criterion in AA defi i i

f a alc h lic ha d e

d i ki g life ha bec

a ageable Life

comprises many different spheres relationships, work, education, health, and more and What It Was Like stories often feature instances where diminishing control over alcohol causes things to fall apart in multiple realms. F i

e a

le Ch i

ha e

a iage beca e I

I was married at the time. I was having a lot of problems

d i ki g e e

da The

ha I c

d i k

basically from as soon as I got home from work until I passed out, and then find a way to get up in the morning and get to work. Then I could manage just long enough to finish the work day before I needed to come home and start it all over again. So that left very little time for me to have a true relationship with my spouse. So obviously, there was a lot of trouble in that relationship.

106

Ch i

i a

i ai

ce e ed

aki g i

next drink, to the detriment of his work and his personal relationships. While he was able

44 to keep his job, the necessity to drink as soon as he got home meant he could no longer be fully present with his wife. Ch i

e a

le al

ill

a e f e i e ela ed He e

ae h

lai

he alc h lic

ble

a i

he e

I knew how essential this job was to keeping

everything together. I felt like my marriage relied on me keeping this job; I knew that I c

he alc h l if I did

ha e hi j b

107

Stories like these provide listeners with a multitude of diverse examples that, over time, clarify the definitions of powerlessness over alcohol and unmanageability of life and make these concepts understandable in practice. In this way, hearing personal examples like the ones above help newcomers grasp the alcoholic identity. This is especially useful if the newcomer is in denial due in part to their situation on the job or at home, for example not fitting their pre-conceived notions of who an alcoholic is, based on societal e e

e Ch i e

lai

hi h

he he a

I had all these other things

in my life, so it was hard for me to take that second part of the [1 st] Step and say my life is unmanageable. Because I had stuff; I didn't live under a bridge. So it became hard for me to recognize that. As I got a few days sober and I got a little more clear-eyed, I could actually look at what was going on in my life. I began to recognize the unmanageability of it. I could recognize the conflicts I had caused around me. I could recognize that it wasn't normal to not be around your wife ever sober (laughs). It was not a normal thing; that was an a ageable a

life

108

As program members listen to What It Was Like stories, they learn that evidence [of alcoholism] is found not in how much you drink, or how often, but in what alcohol has done to

109

The e

ie ill

a e AA defi i i

f a alc h lic a lack f c

when and how much one drinks powerlessness over alcohol and the unmanageable impact alcohol has

iad

he e

f dail life I d i g

ake AA ab

act

definition concrete and real. Internalizing this notion of what it means to be an alcoholic, eei g i e

al e a d lea i g

i di id al

ake f

i e AA

a i li e i h AA c i e ia a e c i ical

eachi g a d

….

g a

i g o work for them.

Telling the What It Was Like Story QUALIFYING AS AN ALCOHOLIC O e f AA g ea e

e g h i ha he

g a

e h

eed i

Meetings are frequent and free, welcome diverse members, and do not require (potentially expensive) professional diagnoses or medications to join. According to AA literature, The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking. The e a e

146

However, in practice,

two aspects of the AA alcoholic identity important for continuing membership

in AA: qualification as an alcoholic, which is based on one's past, and continued effort at not d i ki g

147

i g ha

alifie a a alc h lic ca be d

elli g

e Wha I

Was Like story. To do so, What It Was Like stories take a variety of forms and emphasize different details. For example, Claire says, I e

iced ha a l

this pull to make it a little exciti g a d a li le e e ai i g

and I feel this way too feel 148

She e

lai

f i e I

think people try to go up there and they tell their stories and they try to hit all the highligh

all he bad hi g ha ha

d g a

a d I accide all

hi all he bad hi g a d

ake i

e ed Well I g eed

ga d a

e ai

I had the boyfriend that hit me and I had

lled

e a d

he I

ife lef

a d

ea d

k The

M li le highligh a e hi g like Oh

all h e ki d f hi g

149

Speakers tend to tell their horror stories for a variety of reasons. Claire says, I be that those are the things that really stand out to them. E eciall

e e

remember it all. Like your first ten years in sobriety, you remember it all. You remember it i idl Y

ha e i all i

e gagi g alk

151

head all he de ail eed

150

fill he h

degree of bragging rights about horror stories in AA

e hi g

152

ha e a

he e i a ce ai

153

Underneath the surface, however, members also tell their horror stories to assert their alcoholic identity, putting it front and center to prove they deserve to be there. By eaki g f he e g

e e

ea a he AA able 154 Claire elaborates,

57 The e al d

ee d

hi g ha he e d

ha e d i ki g be he h

Beca

e he

f cked

ha he d

gi i g

alk

155

hi h

all f

Sc ff h

AA ha

e ife d i ke hi g a d

alc h lic i

he e

le ha c

le-of-glasses-of-wine housewife

ick a i ki d f i

I hi k ha f

alcoholic

he c

ha he e i a li le bi

ie beca e i

alc h lic

be e

The e

e ife d i ke

d i ke S I hi k agai i f cked

ble

Well I e g I

ell he

e e We k

e ife d i ke

e a real ll

be he eal

de hei b ea h

hile

In this way, for AA members, telling gory details of when they were

drinking helps to affirm their place in the program, to qualify them as alcoholics by showing how they were powerless over alcohol and their lives had become unmanageable. But not all alcoholics have (or share) these horror stories. Claire shares an example f a f ie d h b e I

beca e I a

ih I

a ab i gd

ble f hi

A d

g i g

k I did

ell ge i

ha I eall liked

a di al

ble

eall g i g

156

She continues,

a he aid Yeah I d a k B

know what I did most of the time? I drank and I was in a drunken stupor at home most of he i e He j ac i

alked ab h ille

di a i e

e e

157

f bei g a alc h lic O I

elli g hi

li e

e e

a Clai e f ie d

still shows that he qualifies as an alcoholic by signaling that his drinking was uncontrollable. And by emphasizing that alcoholism does not have to be full of excitement or horror, he makes space for those alcoholics who like him were solitary drinkers or did not get into much trouble, at least the dramatic kind. What It Was Like stories do not only include what happened once the speaker started d i ki g h

e e A Da id e

lai

Drinking is only a symptom, [so] you bring

up all the root causes that have led to that symptom

158

As discussed in Listening to the

What It Was Like Story, alcoholics commonly share feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, fear, and others that propel them to drink, and, taken together, characterize the alcoholic identity. Because of this, What It Was Like stories also usually feature feelings and events that led to the drinking, or illustrate how the speaker embodied alcoholic characteristics pre-d i ki g F

e a

le Ch i de c ibe h

he a

ache elli g hi

Generally,

58 I try to think about the newcomer. So I think about what experiences highlight my alcoholism even before I started drinking. I think about even early in life, middle school and things, about how fearful I felt and how apart from everyone else I felt and how I just felt different. I talk about that because that helps me think about how I had the tendencies, the feelings of an alcoholic even before I started drinking. I try to think of that part to begin my 159

Chris then continues his What It Was Like

ha i g e

e ie ce ha I had i

life that maybe exemplify the challenges that we [alcoholics] have in active alcoholism. For e i

idi g feeli g

that happened to me tha e e

lif

e i g fea ha beha i

160

a d hi g like ha S j

hi g

By telling his story with a focus on

his feelings and motivations, Chris creates a through-line to show that even before he picked up a drink, he embodied characteristics of the alcoholic identity. Emotions such as fear of social isolation and being inadequate, which were present in his childhood, were at least part of why he took his first drink and motivated his drinking behavior once he began drinking more heavily. In this way, pre-drinking stories work in tandem with drinking stories to qualify their speakers as alcoholics.

ADOPTING THE ALCOHOLIC IDENTITY In addition to showing they are alcoholics through the anecdotes they include in their What It Was Like stories, storytellers also claim the alcoholic identity directly, right at he a a dI

Thei fi a alc h lic I

he ge

a i g hi

ell hei

icall a e M

he a e clai i g he alc h lic ide i

and as it has been laid out, emphasized, and reitera ed i

e be

a ei

as AA defines it ie B

beginning their own story with these words, they frame the story they are about to tell as an alcoholic one, and affirm that the feelings, motivations, and actions they will recount are those of an alcoholic. The same opening words are said any time one speaks at an AA meeting from welcoming participants, to reading the twelve steps, to commenting in group discussions,

59 to closing the meeting. The fi

i e

e a

a alc h lic al

icall a

powerful moment, full of intense and varying emotions. Some people immediately internalize the alcoholic identity; for others it takes a bit longer. But for all, it is a major step on the road to self-understanding, opening a path forward and a solution. In the interview

ha a i g I a

a alc h lic he fi

i e a a

act of conformity; they did it because everyone else did. But, in the end, the pressure they fel

a a

i i e hi g beca e

Saying I a

a alc h lic f

ce he

aid h e

he fi

i e fe

the rest is history.

ef a e he

161

e ell ab

oneself. For some, it provides a sense of self-acceptance and relief. For example, Chris tells h

he ca e

a i

The fi

i e I ac all

aid i

d a i

ha first meeting.

Mostly I said it out loud because everybody else did. But I quickly came to believe that, yeah, that is true, I am an alcoholic. Frankly, it was relieving to say that out loud, because it a a hi g ha I had a

ided a i g f

But coming to terms with it and saying

that out loud was incredibly relieving. I think probably part of that relief is what kept me c

i g back

162

George H. Jensen, based on his four-year ethnographic study of storytelling in AA, asserts, S a i g I a ig ifica

a alc h lic i he fi

edi e

cce

ea a f g a

163

I c

de ial

hich i he

ai g h e

d i

story can relieve alcoholics of the draining and sometimes painful effort of trying to convince themselves that they are not. When they can finally admit their alcoholic identity, they can then move forward, seek help, and make change, using AA as a guide. Like Chris, Sarah similarly felt a sense of relief and acceptance when she said she was an alcoholic aloud for the first time. But she takes it further: I al a

l i

a e

belie e ha

di ea e f alc h li

all

a ed l

ha e

g bef e I

picked up a drink, my thinking was skewed. And alcohol was the solution. So it gave me the ide i

ble

a a elief beca e I

c a

say it out loud and hear it and accept it, it was sort of like (sigh), I ca

la gh

Bei g able

b ea he I d

have to continue to lie to myself. The truth was out. I admitted the truth to myself fi all

164

By admitting her alcoholic identity to herself, and stating it out loud to a group of

people who would accept and even welcome her for it, Sarah could accept herself as well.

60 Once she did that, the program offered a solution: a course of action for how to live with that identity moving forward. P

i g feeli g i

a age ega i e e

d ha l al e

e ie ce

g bee

e f he be

AA, in encouraging members to vocalize their

165

alcoholic identity and tell their personal stor j i

he he a e ic adi i

ba ed

the assumption that talking about one's feelings and problems is an effective method for minimizing the impact of negative emotional events on current experience. supported by Lieberman et al i

neuroimaging study de

affec labeli g da

he e

166

This belief is

a i g ha putting feelings

e f b ai

egi

ible f

emotional distress.167 B

a i g Ia

a alc h lic f

he fi

i ed e

b i ge e

immediate sense of relief. For example, though saying he was an alcoholic did ultimately hel Da id acce

ha ide i

he a

a al

f igh e i g I took me three tries to say

it. The first time, I got as far as the parking lot. The second time, I got into the back of the room, listened for a little bit and heard everybody else say it, and left before they came to e

a i

168

The third time, he says, I a li e i g

elf E e b d a c

I f

Sigh

Da id

a i g I

a dd

e e b d el e a d I a

a alc h lic I

a alc h lic

ha a e he g i g

hi ki g

a alc h lic If I j hi k I be e

S it was about conformity the first time. But also somewhere inside it was: e Ia

Ye I a

had a d i ki g eali ed Y

Wi h hi

ble

Beca e f I

ha I e g eali a i

il I ac all a d i ki g

ca e fea Da id c

ee e

e he

gh I

aid ha I a a alc h lic ha I

ble i

169

Tha

hi k

have that kind of a problem, because you hear that alcohol is an incurable, fatal disease if d

ething about it. It can lead to jails, institutions, or death. So it was scary

the first time to say it, to hear myself. Yeah, it was really scary. They did everything they could to allay those fears, the rest of the group. And I noticed that. My being scared was noticeable, but their attempts at soothing, if you will, were also noticeable. So I was able to relax rela i el

ickl f

he ca e

170

Alcoholism can be terrifying. Knowing one is powerless over something is daunting and, as David says, can be da ge

hile jail i

dea h a e

61 possible outcomes of alcoholism, through storytelling and the diversity of the fellowship, AA e

ha i e he e a e

e B li e i g

g a

e be

ie a d

seeing them as living, breathing examples, AA shows that sobriety is better than living as a drinking alcoholic. All this can help soothe the fears of people like David. While

e be

the first time vary f e e

hi g Y

e e

a a big fi

edia e feeli g af e ei i a

i g

b eak ha ice if

a a big a i i

a i g he

al fi

A Da id a

ill Y I did

a alc h lic f

The e a fi ake he l

eali e a he i e b

i ef

Thi

a ie f

passage. For somebody to really say that and admit it and mean it and then continue in the g a

a dc

As Jensen posits e

ld a

he e i

P g a e eb

a i e f a age I e be

i g

171

were alcoholics before they said the words;

alc h lic B

ce he

a Ia

a alc h lic i

presence of other alcoholics, they assume a new identity. What has changed? Not so much, except how members of AA respond and, as a result, how they feel about themselves. They have moved from denying what they are and feeling alienated from others, even from themselves and their own bodies, to accepting what they have been and what they will always be even as they begin to feel like members of a new commu i O ce he el c a ce stay in AA, c

a alc h lic ha bee

i h hei alc h lic ide i

e c

172

e f

h e h

e i e Je e de c ibe

A e e

of identity and acceptance begins with the first time that a newcomer says with a quivering ice I a

a alc h lic I

i e he e c

ill be able

eak he a e h a e i h

little emotion, even a calm sense of pride. The semantic content of the phrase has not cha ged b

he i

I i his shift in intonation, a rather subtle change, one

that outsiders might frequently overlook, that marks a transformation in ide i Bei g alc h lic bec

e a a ec

or pushed aside. Instead, as Da id e a

like I

lai

e ide i

a i g Ia

ge fea ed hidde

Alcohol is not a separate piece of my life

a alc h lic I ha e a igh ha d

That simple act

ha i

173

a alc h lic

174

i he a

f elli g

With repetition and time and accompanied by the support of the fellowship, the ide ifica i

achie ed h

gh li e i g

ie a d he

i e fa a

i AA

62 forward the alcoholic accepts and internalizes their alcoholic identity. Once this happens, the program outlines a path for how to stay sober and live a good life.

COUNTER-NARRATIVE

…. When anyone claims an identity, while they may embody the most significant aspects of that identity in this case, being powerless over alcohol, having a life that had become unmanageable, and sharing similar feelings and motivations it does not mean they necessarily fit all aspects of that identity. This is why, when some AA members tell their What It Was Like story, they purposely include details that challenge the conception of who an alcoholic is. These are counter-narratives, S e ha

ea e

ciali ed

175

ie ha lie i

e i

i h he

Because these counter-narratives are still framed

as alcoholic stories, they expand the alcoholic identity, making space for more people to be included. For example, Sarah intentionally tells of ways she is different from common stereotypes of alcoholics, specifically when she says she is from a well-to-do, loving, nonalc h lic fa il a d had a

id llic childh

d 176 She starts he

i h I am the third

child of four children to a couple that instilled a lot of great moral values. One of the things that I always admired about my parents was they would have been married 64 years if my father had lived to October 14th, and they never fought. So they set a great example of loving, cohesive relationships

If you had asked me, I would have said I had a wonderful

childhood, that it was idyllic. Again, great moral values. Parents put a lot of emphasis on education and religion. Sa ah e

lai

177

he fel hi

a i

ha e i he

One of the

things that I heard a long, long time ago is that 95% of people who make their way to Alcoholics Anonymous come from dysfunctional families, which means 5% of the rest of us d

Tha

be e

this tongue in cheek b

i i

a i

e beca e I a

f ha

diffe e

le k

I Ia

a i g T

up: you may have grown up on a park bench or on Park Avenue. You may have gone to Yale