The Importance of Self-Love

by SCOtt R. MOtE, ESQ.

In Alcoholics Anonymous, we recite the Serenity Prayer at every meeting:

[Higher Power], grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

This is a powerful prayer, which asks a Higher Power to help us love and accept ourselves no matter what we have done in the past, what we do in the present or what we might do in the future. It helps us recognize what we can change about ourselves to lead healthier lives. We can also think about this saying as a way to help us love ourselves. Self-love is a basic human necessity. It means loving all parts of yourself: accepting your flaws and weaknesses, taking charge of your emotional, mental and physical well-being. Practicing self-love does not mean you are selfish or narcissistic. It means that you are taking the steps to be the best you to live a healthy and meaningful life.

I first learned about self-love in AA many years ago. I learned that once I started loving myself, it was much easier to create meaningful relationships, I slept better and I had a better mentality on life, among many other things. As lawyers, we are responsible for other people’s problems. We help them with all parts of life, whether it’s buying a house, getting help for unfair employment practices, gaining custody, getting justice for a crime,

We all make mistakes. Let me be clear. You are going to make mistakes. You will fail. We all do! It’s how you recover from that mistake that matters. Forgive yourself.

etc. We are constantly helping and thinking about others’ issues, but it is very important that we take care of ourselves and learn how to love ourselves.

So what can we do to love ourselves?

Be aware of the negative voice inside your mind

Have you heard it? The negative thought that pops into your head when you make a mistake, when you say the wrong words, when you wake up in the morning, when you are late? It might tell you that you are stupid, that you are ugly, that you are not good at your job. Learn to recognize these thoughts and challenge them. Replace them with something positive. For example, if you double-booked meetings, if the voice tells you that you’re unorganized and a failure, tell yourself that you will do a better job of keeping your calendar up to date. If you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and the voice tells you that you are ugly and old, squash it. Tell yourself that you look pretty good for your age! Just as we start to believe our negative thoughts, if you replace them with positive affirmations, you will start to believe them.

Forgive yourself

We all make mistakes. Let me be clear. You are going to make mistakes. You will fail. We all do! It’s how you recover from that mistake that matters. Forgive yourself. Holding on to negative feelings about a mistake will only cause a grudge, and grudges hold negative energy. Release that energy. Forgive yourself.

Put an end to toxic relationships

A dysfunctional family member, a bitter friend, a nosy neighbor, a jerk law partner (yes, they exist!). These are just a few examples of toxic people. Think about the people who make you feel drained, confused,

guilty, abused or taken for granted. You need to remove these toxic relationships from your life. A good friend of mine had a toxic relationship with his mother. She abandoned him when he was young, but then tried to make up for it when he got older and had a family of his own. After a couple years of trying to reconcile with her, he realized that she did not change. She was still her narcissistic self, she manipulated him and she brought back tragic memories from when he was a child. This affected his relationship with his wife and his children. He finally realized that he could not have a relationship with her. It was toxic. Once he removed her from his life, his entire view of life changed for the better. Sometimes we don’t even realize that people are toxic, but once you remove them from your life, you can feel that a huge weight has been lifted.

It’s ok to say no

You are invited to several parties, lunch gatherings, soirees and galas. Your best friend is stressed and wants to get together to talk, your workload is heavy, your client needs you to review paperwork, you have to make time for your child’s holiday play and your mom wants your help baking cookies. It is nearly impossible to meet everyone’s demands and say yes to their invitations. It’s ok to say no. If saying no is difficult for you, try: “Thank you for the invitation, but I have a prior engagement,” or, “I would love to attend your event, but I have already committed to another event.”

If you are having trouble determining if you should say yes or no to the invitations, set up criteria based on your values. Ask yourself questions, such as: “Do I really want to do this? What do I gain from doing this? Does it interfere with family events?” This will help you choose wisely.

It’s not your responsibility to make other people happy

Many people believe that it’s their job to make others happy. This is far from the truth. For example, your significant other hasn’t been happy at their job. Every night you coach them and try to fix their problem. You start feeling stressed because you feel helpless and cannot fix it for them. There’s a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their

problems in hopes that they will be happy. We cannot change how others feel. Your spouse is responsible for their own emotions. What you can do is support them, love them, listen to them and give them advice, but you cannot change the way they feel. They own those emotions. The truest source of happiness comes from within.

Don’t forget about self-care

Don’t forget to eat a healthy diet, get enough sleep, and exercise. There is only one you, and you are special. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. That love starts from within.

Scott Mote, Esq.

Executive Director Ohio Lawyers Assistance Program smote@ohiolap.org

If you find that you are stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, seek help. The Ohio Lawyers Assistance Program helps lawyers, judges and law students manage life’s stresses. OLAP has saved lives, careers, marriages and families. All inquiries are confidential.

(800) 348-4343 ohiolap.org