Our commercial society

Ilene Black

Betting On Black

Do you watch network TV? I usually don’t watch much network TV, but lately, for some reason, I have been. Many times, it’s either watch TV or clean the house. Clear choice, in my book. With all this TV watching I’ve been doing, I have noticed that the commercials are getting more and more annoying.

There are several commercial characters I would like to see vanish right quick. Jan from Toyota, that stupid green Geico lizard, the annoying emu from Liberty Insurance, and any spokesperson for a car dealership, to name a few. I like Flo from Progressive, so she can stay. Plus, some of these commercials share wayyy too much information, in my opinion. You know the ones I mean. I do not want to know about your physical relationship problems, nor do I want to see you and your partner sitting in bathtubs on a cliff. No, thanks. Keep that little problem between you and your partner, please.

And the commercials for medications? It feels like every 5 minutes there’s a commercial for medication. I do not remember ever seeing medication commercials when I was growing up. Over the counter stuff, maybe. But Big Pharma is going way too far with their commercials lately. They go into great detail, too, warning us of potential side effects.

Example: “Stop taking UselessandExpensiveDrug if, after taking the recommended dosage, you feel the need to break out into a Barbra Streisand song during staff meetings at work. If you begin seeing large purple insects crawling up your walls, discontinue usage until an exterminator can be called. If the song ‘Rocky Mountain High’ by John Denver or anything by The Bangles loops in your mind for more than 3 weeks, then please stop taking this medication.

“If you wake up and find yourself on your neighbor’s roof preparing to do a skijump into the shrubbery while dressed in a toga, then consult with your doctor. If you are suddenly struck by the urge to lope around on all fours while neighing, then contact your healthcare professional immediately.”

There’s one that cracks me up. I’m not going to mention the name of the drug, but it’s for people who want thicker eyelashes.

A doctor actually has to prescribe this for you. Think about this for a minute. You call your doctor to make an appointment and the receptionist asks you what you need the appointment for. Do you say, “It’s a real emergency. I have thin eyelashes?” By the way, this drug cost over $100 for one bottle. I think I’ll stick to my $6.99 tube of Maybelline waterproof and smearproof mascara, thanks.

But my favorite thing about the drug commercials is the list of things that can go wrong if you take the medication. “This medication can cause dry mouth, dry eyes, hair loss, stomach problems, digestive problems, bruising and bleeding, rapid heartbeat, sweating, headaches, tooth decay, muscle cramping, numbness in extremities, sensitivity to cold weather, diminished ability to avoid starting fistfights, ingrown toenails, desire to live in a house made of Legos, joint aches, freckling, frequent urge to make rude hand gestures at fellow drivers, neck pain, foot odor, sudden impulse to learn how to samba, expanding waistline, inability to focus on boring stuff, and intolerance of everyone.

“Do not take this medication if you have ever had detention, colored your hair, got a parking ticket, prefer bold colors to pastels, made chili, driven more than 5 miles over the speed limit, gone to the beach, spend more than you should have on a dress for a wedding, had evil thoughts about your partner, wished upon a star, mowed the lawn, or burped.”

I guess they have to cover every angle in these days of lawsuits, but still. What happened to the feel-good commercials, the ones with the catchy jingles? There is one I like, for Amazon, with the dog who is left alone during the day when everything opened up after Covid restrictions were lifted. I love the song and the whole theme. Feel-good. We need more of that. No matter what the commercials are like or how annoying they can be, watching them is way better than cleaning the house.