GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAYS

By Connie DeKrey, bereavement specialist Hospice

Ordinarily, the holiday season is a time of joy, laughter and celebrations shared with family and friends. But for individuals who are grieving the loss of a loved one, there is nothing “ordinary” about it. Rather, holidays can be difficult, bringing about feelings of anxiety and sadness.

Because holidays are typically filled with memories, reflection and tradition, it is not surprising that the longing we may feel for an absent loved one intensifies against the backdrop of festive bustle. There may be reminders that cause an ache in one’s spirit, such as a card addressed to the deceased, a gift that would have suited him perfectly or her favorite Christmas song playing on the radio.

As the holidays approach, it may be helpful to think about how to take care of yourself during this difficult time or to be aware of the effect the holidays may have on your grieving family or friends. Because this year’s holidays may be “out of the ordinary” due to a loss, it is important to recognize the benefit of understanding grief and implementing strategies that can assist in coping with that grief. These may include:

Re-evaluating traditions. While it would seem unthinkable to depart from certain holiday rituals, this may be a year when it makes sense to pick and choose, especially given the fact that grief can consume a great deal of one’s stamina. Perhaps you choose to forgo writing an annual family newsletter, but would not want to miss the local university’s choral concert. Perhaps you may even opt to do something completely different from previous practices. It is perfectly permissible to be selective with your time and energy.

Formulating a plan. Having a plan will give you a sense of control during this challenging time. Sharing ideas with those close to you can be helpful, but remember that no plan has to be etched in stone; you need to afford yourself the flexibility to bow out should unpredictable grief reactions dictate this.

Asking for help. Grief can sap you of energy and enthusiasm. The holidays are an ideal time to enlist the offers of assistance that have come from caring people to manage tasks such as shopping, envelope addressing, baking, etc.

Attending to self-care. It is particularly important to create a healthy routine of nutrition, rest and exercise, as it helps a grieving individual feel better-equipped to handle the emotions and stresses of the season.

Allowing for expression. Grief specialist and author Judy Tatelbaum reminds us, “The surest road through grief is to feel it and not deny it.” Nothing changes for the better when one suppresses grief. Acknowledge that the deceased continues to be loved and missed. Find a special way to embrace cherished memories. The memories of those we loved, while at first very painful to recall, can become a source of an ongoing sense of connection, even after death. When we embrace these memories by celebrating the legacy of their lives, we honor the relationship that is forever intertwined with our own personhood.

Seek tangible, intentional ways to maintain one’s sense of connection. Think about your interests, talents and passions, and exercise them in a way that helps you move through your grief in a healthy way. Some examples include:

• Participate in a shared-remembrance tradition such as a candle lighting or annual dinner.

• Create a video of your loved one’s life.

• Make a scrapbook or memory box using photos and heirlooms.

• Assemble a loved one’s favorite recipes, poems or stories into a booklet.

• Plant a tree or memorial garden.

• Have your loved one’s clothing items made into a quilt.

• Design artwork or compose music in your loved one’s memory.

• Volunteer for or designate a gift to a charity in the loved one’s memory.

When grieving the death of a loved one during the holidays, the sense of loss can at times be overwhelming. It can take courage to simply put one foot in front of the other. But taking a few intentional steps can help you begin to regain a sense of order and peace and work toward healing.

Connie DeKrey joined Hospice of the Red River Valley in 1993 and worked in patient care for 10 years as a medical social worker. She has worked as a bereavement specialist for the past 11 years. She particularly enjoys the opportunity to provide education to individuals and groups about living, dying and grief.