OUT OF THE DARKNESS

Shining a light on suicide prevention and awareness

Mother and daughter, Mary and Brenda Weiler are a true force in the battle to change the stigma surrounding mental illness and suicide in the Fargo-Moorhead area. This September 13, Mary and Brenda are organizing the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) North Dakota Chapter’s tenth anniversary “Out of the Darkness Walk” in Fargo. The walk raises money for prevention and awareness of suicide and depression, and provides a venue for people to come together around these issues. “It’s an important community event to show those who are struggling that we support them and that there is no shame in depression,” said Brenda. “I’ve met people at the walk who have never spoken about their loss, even when it was over twenty years ago.”

Mary and Brenda’s work to change public policy and erase the stigma surrounding depression and suicide began not long after Jennifer Weiler, who is Mary’s daughter and Brenda’s sister, died of suicide ten years ago at the age of 33. The Weiler family felt first hand both the pressures of how suicide was viewed by others, and the very intimate and personal feelings of loss and guilt that affected them.

“The grief was far greater and harder than I have ever experienced,” said Mary. “I had talked with Jen by phone on Tuesday, and she died on Thursday. I felt responsible―I analyzed the phone conversation over and over in my head for months.”

Looking at old photographs of Jen with Mary and Brenda, the resemblance between Brenda and her sister is striking. Brenda compared losing a sibling to losing an arm―you learn to live without it, but things are never quite the same again. She explains that no matter how you lose someone, one of the biggest struggles is to continue with the day-to-day activities of “living” yourself. Brenda said that she and her siblings found a lot of strength from watching how their parents continued on. “But not until I had [my own daughter] did I begin to understand the pain and loss my mom has gone through,” said Brenda.

The Weiler’s largely supported each other through open and frank communication. “Conversations in our family started with asking what we could do for others who have had similar experiences,” said Mary. Since asking those questions, the Weilers have been busy.

At the beginning of the family’s journey, Mary called the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and told them she wanted to start a North Dakota chapter. From there, she and Brenda organized the first “Out of the Darkness Walk” in Fargo. Over 240 people attended the first walk and they raised over $25,000 to help fund suicide prevention activities and research in the state. Mary says it was a clear message to her family that they were addressing a real need in the area for people who’ve never been able to talk about how suicide has affected them, let alone come together as a community about this issue.

Mary and her husband Bill Weiler then started a survivor of suicide loss support group in Fargo that still meets once a month. Mary notes that for every suicide, there are usually six to seven survivors. “That type of loss is really different,” said Brenda. “I think giving people the opportunity to be with other people who understand is huge.”

The Weilers have provided programs for suicide prevention and awareness education in high schools and colleges, and for military and law enforcement; Mary represented the AFSP at the ND State Capital to promote public policy in support of their efforts; and their most recent achievement was starting a suicide loss survivor outreach program, where trained volunteers to go into the home of the recently bereaved and provide support, understanding and resources. “That’s something that was really needed here,” said Mary.

Brenda and Mary said there is a lot more being said about suicide since the start of their journey ten years ago. “I think this generation has had a huge impact on how open they are,” said Mary. “The stigma doesn’t affect them like it did mine and especially my dad’s generation.” Obituaries are starting to say, “after a long battle with depression,” instead of omitting the cause of death. It’s being talked about at prayer and funeral services. “The stigma is that mental illness is different from other illnesses,” said Brenda. “But what’s changing,” added Mary, “is people are starting to understand that suicide isn’t a weakness or selfish act. The stressors exceed the current coping abilities. Depression is the most common condition associated with suicide, and when unaddressed, it increases the risk for suicide.”

Mary said the public image is changing too. From PR and marketing images of survivor’s backs, portraying the guilt and shame aspects of survival―to front and center images of survivors looking the viewer straight on. “We’re sending a message that we are here,” said Mary. “We are going to fight this, we are speaking out, we are survivors.”

The AFSP events are vital to their mission. They help support survivors and those with lived experience, and they help fundraise for suicide prevention and awareness programs around the state. November 21 is the International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day gathering in several parts of the state. Three “Ride to Silence the Stigma” motorcycle rides and a golf scrambler dot the state this year. And the biggest event in Fargo, the “Out of the Darkness Walk,” takes place on September 13, beginning and ending at Lindenwood Park. Speakers, kids activities, a counseling tent and teams of people will come together to join efforts around the country, raising awareness and funds that allow the AFSP to invest in new research, create educational programs, advocate for public policy and support survivors of suicide loss.

“The walk can be a very empowering experience, especially for survivors,” said Brenda. “Being surrounded by others who understand and don’t judge can be freeing in many ways.”

The most powerful and meaningful aspect for me is the community embracing, helping and supporting each other,” says Mary. “I have learned to never give up on what life brings you. Never doubt that every bit of kindness, every tender touch can heal what might otherwise have consumed someone, and perhaps consumed ourselves. Human beings need other human beings to survive.” [AWM]

SIGN UP for the “Out of the Darkness Walk” on September 13, 2015 by visiting www.afsp.org or contact Sarah DixonHackey at outofthedarkness14@gmail.com for more information.