Love Thinks

How to Avoid falling for a Jerk (or Jerkette)

Words by John Trombley, MMgt

If I only knew then what I know now, I would...” Fill in the blank. We’ve all had that 20/20 hindsight experience and maybe even have some serious regrets. Unfortunately for far too many, those sentiments surround the most important relationships most of us will ever have. But it doesn’t have to be that way; at least not to the extent accepted as the norm in society today. As Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk (McGraw-Hill) asks, “How can you follow your heart without losing your mind?”

Without being conscious of it, we don’t often associate the words love and think in the same phrase. It’s as though the two concepts are worlds apart at the critical point in a relationship’s development. Risking over simplification, the consequence is a purported 50% divorce rate. Interestingly, it seems that some people believe they can beat the odds of relational destruction by avoiding marriage altogether, choosing to cohabitate instead. But when a relationship ends, the pain and scars associated with the dissolution of even the unmarried relationship can be, and often are, just as debilitating.

With emotion and sex as the main drivers of the dating relationship today, what we have is a recipe for disaster. Maybe it’s time for a different recipe.

In their groups, John and Debbie Trombley, marriage relationship enthusiasts and certified facilitators of Van Epp’s course, Love Thinks, often ask what people see when they hear the word zebra. People are always in agreement that they see an animal that looks like a horse with black and white stripes. When asked what a healthy relationship looks like, people use a variety of words and phrases such as “two people together,” “commitment,” “love,” “friendship,” “respect” and so forth as clarity evaporates.

A powerful and effective means of evaluating the quality and health of interpersonal relationship development was created by

Dr. Van Epp and is known as the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). The Trombleys have watched time and again as people have had their eyes opened to the strengths and the pitfalls in their personal relationships through the effective application of the RAM model, which provides individuals with a visual indication of how healthy a relationship is. By defining what Van Epp refers to as the Safe Zone, a person – or a couple –can evaluate where the relationship stands and therefore what might be done to fill in the gaps in the relationship’s development. The RAM model, much like the word zebra, paints a clear picture of what a healthy relationship looks like.

The RAM board, an actual tool of the course, reflects a precise picture of the relationship based on the five bonding forces of Know, Trust, Rely, Commit and Touch. The magnetic board is quick to show you if you are in the Safe Zone. Van Epp will be quick to tell you that Time + Talk + Together is the formula for the Safe Zone. He says, “It is especially powerful with people who have been married before as they discover their 'aha' moments of being blinded by the obvious and their comment of 'if I only had known.' Now they know and it doesn’t have to happen again; they have the picture.”

Groups are brought together to learn, discover and be equipped to choose wisely with their eyes wide open and hearts protected. The Trombleys help traditional couples grow and prepare for a lifetime together by providing care, teaching and coaching for successful marriage relationship development. They have invested over 25 years conducting retreats, presenting seminars and workshops, hosting small groups, and coaching couples on an individual basis.

Love Thinks

How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk (or Jerkette)

January 22 6:30-8:45

January 23 8:30-Noon

Cost: $47 each

(Includes workbook, RAM tool, snacks & continental breakfast)

Register: Thru PayPal at Ignite-NoJerks@hotmail.com