WHEN YOU KNOW HOW DARK IT CAN BE, you appreciate the light.

How further explained, “NHA is about starting to celebrate what is going right rather than spending your energy showing up for the negative. The parent can choose to see, pay attention to and give words to the smallest things. Many things go right every day and we miss it because we aren’t looking. It is a paradigm shift to parent in this way.” This positive approach to life didn’t come easily to How. “I had to stop and learn to see differently,” How said. “I had to learn to celebrate.”

Absolute Clarity: Setting and enforcing clear limits and consequences in an unenergized way.

One of the keys to absolute clarity is that children know exactly what is expected of them. This is done swiftly and clearly but not with excess energy. When something isn’t going well, the child or the adult is encouraged to pause or reset. “A reset,” How said, “is giving first yourself, and then the child, the grace to move on to the next mo- ment. A reset is not punitive; it is a method of getting back to our best version of ourselves and inviting our children to do the same. For example, I can say to myself, ‘Wow! That was an ugly moment. It’s not what I wanted to do or say, let’s move on to the next moment. In the NHA, the present moment is more important than the past. We all have things go wrong,” How said, “but we keep it in perspective. It’s just a moment. The next moment always arrives. Grace and forgiveness can define our lives. In parenting, I don’t have to lecture and rehash past mistakes my children have made. It’s a gracious way to live.”

“NHA gave us the tools we needed to start becoming more connected with our children,” How said. As they used these methods and began to see positive results and recommitted to the adoption process. On Nov. 21 of 2009, National Adoption Day, the How’s legally adopted Chloe and Kalob into their family. At that time Justin was eight years old, Lydia four, Chloe seven and Kalob twelve.

Greatness

“When Chloe was younger, her school used a behavior card system. A green day meant a great day. A red card meant the teacher had given many redirections and there was inappropriate behavior,” How said. “When I picked Chloe up after school, she’d tell me she had a red card day. Lydia would come out announcing she’d had a green day. Chloe would talk about everything that went wrong that day. I started saying, ‘Tell me about your greatness, Chloe.’ She really didn’t have the language. She didn’t know how to communicate what things were going right. I needed to give her a language of positivity. Lydia caught on and the three of us used our time after school as a game to look for greatness in smaller increments.”

How’s first book, Tell Me About Your Greatness, came out of this game. The book was published in 2012, by How 2 Creative Services. In the book greatness includes such varied skills as being kind, focused, energetic, independent, organized, friendly, unique, helpful, joyful, healthy, cooperative, creative, patient, responsible, determined, imaginative, self-controlled, or being a learner. The book has been translated into Spanish and will soon be translated into Hmong. How’s second book, Greatness Is My Superpower, is a graphic novel with scenes throughout the day where children are given a choice to ‘cape up’ to their greatness. Anyone can choose ‘cape up’ and activate their superpower of greatness, character qualities like kindness or patience.

These books are now being used at Eastwood Elementary in West Fargo and at Westside Elementary, in conjunction with pilot NHA programs. At Eastwood Elementary they are in their second year of focusing on greatness as a school wide theme. This year their theme is, Picture Your Greatness. The vision is to teach positive relationships to increase academic success. “We are building inner wealth, kids who are strong on the inside, and this takes time,” How said. “But the outcomes are good both academically and emotionally for children and for their families.”

Fluff

How is quick to point out that NHA does not use fluffy positivity. “NHA doesn’t use the junk food type of reflection that is so common today,” How said. “If you say, ‘You can do anything,’ or ‘You’re so smart.’ It can actually harm a child. When a child is told they are smart and then they get a math problem where they struggle, they immediately think, ‘If I’m so smart I wouldn’t struggle with this. It would be easy.’ If you teach a child using NHA you might say, ‘You are struggling with this problem. I see how you are working at it and not giving up. You are showing determination.’ The NHA is based on more than a flippant blank statement. It is specific. Because there is irrefutable evidence that the child has done something well, because you’ve been descriptive and given it words, the words anchor the child.”

How also said, “Self-esteem ideas and self-worth are often grounded in IF. IF I get a good grade, then I am worthy. But when a student struggles and a teacher says, ‘I noticed that you turned in your test. You answered every problem. You could have left some blank, but you didn’t and that shows courage and commitment to learning. Keep doing that!’ This becomes valuable information for the child.”

Faith

“Glasser did not create NHA as a faith approach,” How said, “But when we were struggling with Kalob and Chloe, I prayed a simple prayer, ‘Help!’ It wasn’t complicated. We were drowning. And God sent a boat. As we used NHA, it surprised me how well it fit with my faith. We don’t clean up for God. He loves us despite our flaws. He forgives us as far as the east is from the west.” How currently teaches NHA in various settings from courses which are one hour long to those that take six weeks. She teaches parent and educator classes. She also teaches NHA in a Wednesday night small group, from a biblical viewpoint, at First Assembly Church in Fargo. “We shouldn’t be where we are at,” How said. “Our four kids have all come so far with so many moments of success. NHA isn’t a magic wand. We just took one step and then another. We are still on a journey. So I’d say, ‘Use your moments wisely. They can build something you can’t even imagine.’” [AWM]

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