Broken stronger your choice

9 truths to walk through your divorce in strength

Words by Monica Kramer McConkey »

In1967, two psychiatrists, Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, developed the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (better known as the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale). They studied the records of 5,000 plus medical patients to determine whether stressful events might cause illnesses. Patients were asked to rate a list of 43 life events from most stressful to least stressful. What a surprise that divorce was second only to death of a spouse.

Even more interesting is that many of the stressful events included on the list are experienced with the gathering of friends and family, the sharing of food, and the giving of flowers, cards and gifts. New homes, weddings, births, illness and accident, retirements, graduations, and funerals while causing a significant amount of stress, also typically generate a healthy outpouring of support.

But what about divorce? Divorce is its own animal isn’t it? Even with the comfort of close family and friends, often the most unfailing comrades have names such as Blame, Guilt, Shame, Remorse. The announcement of an impending divorce ushers in the end of a nuclear family and the forever changing of lives. It is undoubtedly accompanied by conflict and pain of all types — physical, spiritual, emotional and financial – leaving a path of derailed life plans.

My personal journey through divorce was no different. However I learned a handful of truths through those months and years that changed the way I now view life, relationships and the future. Absorbed is actually a more accurate word than learned — absorbed like the parched earth absorbs a gentle rain. These truths have saturated my mind and my soul. They are reflected on each day. I would like to share them with you.

1 You are stronger than you think you are.

2

Fearlessness is a conscious decision that needs to be made over and over and over again.

3

Some people will never support you no matter how much you strive to gain that support. No big deal ... move on without them.

4

Never take for granted those who offer unconditional love.

5 Make thinking forward your only option .

6 Never allow yourself to feel, appear or be a victim.

7 Your thoughts control your feelings.

8

There are people who should not be in your life, even if they think they belong there.

9

"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

[jeremiah 29:11]

It is through the “absorption” of these truths that I came out on the other side of divorce a stronger, more independent and self-sufficient woman. In a strange twist of design, as in many processes, conflict and friction test the elements. And the result is one of two states: broken or stronger. Your choice.

PHOTO BY SB PHOTOGRAPHY

Words & Photography

DEVIN JOUBERT