beautiful BOY : ADOPTION THROUGH JOY

and PAIN

When are you going to start having kids?” The dreaded question, one that you start hearing about two minutes after getting married, or at your thirtieth birthday party, or at a friend’s baby shower, or …

Many have learned to not ask, but it is one of the questions that does not fit in the experience of a couple growing their family through adoption. Whether couples have always been interested in adoption or are considering it after infertility struggles, friends and family may not know how to relate or support them during the process.

For Luke and Shannon, whose son joined their family through adoption, they said they didn't expect the whole experience would be as isolating as it was. “It was challenging because it seemed like no one knew what you were going through, which most people really don't, but it was also exciting,” they explain. “It was a mixed bag of feelings. Besides talking to others who had gone through adoption or were currently in the process, it sometimes felt very lonely.”

They opened up about their process and experience with Christian Adoption Services (CAS), a local agency licensed to serve birth parents and adoptive couples in North Dakota and Minnesota.

Working with an agency whose services to birth parents is an integral part of the mission was valuable. Luke and Shannon share, “We didn't realize the amount of care our agency offers to birthmothers through counseling, preparing and guiding them through the process. We were impressed and thankful for that.”

Regarding the wait time, they expressed emotions many adoptive couples face. “The hardest part was having zero control over how long the waiting period would be,” they explain. “You don't get to have a 'due date' as you would when carrying a child. We are pretty active so it was hard making solid plans, keeping yourself busy and not dwelling on waiting while still being expectant and excited.”

“Another challenge was that many of our friends are in the middle of having kids, so it seemed like there was always someone announcing their pregnancy, having a baby, or even being matched with birth parents before us.”

Adoption openness is an area of confusion for many, though it has become more common for infant adoption. CAS has incorporated semi-open adoption since it’s founding in 1985, and continues to educate clients and community about the relationship.

“Initially, we were unsure about an open adoption and thought the birth mom may want to interfere with our parenting. After reading more and hearing other’s perspectives, we realized the relationship between a child and their birth mother or parents could be healthy and beneficial for the child. Our adoption is currently semiopen at the birth mother's request. We send pictures and letters regularly.”

When the expectant mother chose them, “our conversations went well,” they say. “It was neat getting to know her and learning about her life. It wasn't as hard talking to her as we had anticipated. Even though we haven't had much interaction with her, we love and respect her deeply.”

Luke and Shannon were welcomed by the birth mother to participate in hospital time. “While it was still an odd and overwhelming time, [CAS] and the hospital staff did an amazing job helping us navigate interactions with our birthmother and all of the decisions being made regarding our son.”

“I wish I had known [earlier] that I would deal with so much guilt as an adoptive parent — guilt over the fact that we left the hospital with this beautiful, perfect baby, and our birthmother left without the baby that she had carried and bonded with for nine months. I didn't realize how much her loss would impact me and how it still affects me today.”

Shannon expresses, “I'm amazed at how my mindset [about adoption] has changed and how passionate I am now. I've gained a completely different perspective surrounding adoption. It is such a beautiful, brave and powerful act of love, while at the same time it's founded on loss for all members of the adoption triad.”

Tina Bloch, caseworker for CAS, shares, “It was amazing to see the amount of support this adoptive couple had. At their finalization hearing, the judge asked each person in the courtroom to share who they were and how they knew Luke and Shannon. We saw first-hand the support from family, friends, church and co-workers.”

For people considering adoption, Luke says, “It is so worth it. There are many ups and downs through the process, but when you finally get to hold your baby for the first time, you forget about everything, instantly everything was 100 percent worth it. I'd imagine in that sense it feels similar to having a biological child. When you finally get to hold your baby, you just forget about everything else.”

FAMILY

photography by JUSTIN EILER