happily everafter

It’s a dream come true! A dream played out fairytale style in the minds of many from the time we’re little girls. Meeting our Prince Charming, being swept off our feet, having the most beautiful wedding and living happily ever after. Ah, my heart flutters all over again as I think about those dreams. I also reflect with gratitude on the way that story was orchestrated in my life. Don’t get me wrong, it’s had its ups and downs. And I’m incredibly thankful for the people and tools that have come into my life and my husband’s over the years to help us celebrate the ups and navigate the downs. Actually, they are a big reason I do the work I do now as a couples’ counselor.

If you are standing on the threshold of saying “I do” or saying “yes” to the person who wants to spend the rest of his life with you, I’m sure there are plenty of dreams and a few butterflies surrounding you right now. Planning your wedding and anticipating marriage should be a wonderfully exciting and happy time. One that will set the stage for a fulfilling life together.

A lot of important things go into ensuring that happy outcome. In my practice I hear every day from people who have solid foundations and views of what a healthy relationship and marriage looks like and how to get there. And, from others who have had negative experiences or examples. We tend to present our “best self” in the dating process. We sometimes say what we think the other person wants to hear so they’re happy with us. But that’s not always what we really want or mean. As the newness wears off and we both settle into our day-to-day real selves, sometimes frustration, disappointment and resentment can settle in too and threaten our satisfaction.

So, I’d like to offer a few thoughts that can help you get started on the right foot and have a long, happy marriage. These areas and more are ones that I cover in the premarital preparation packages I offer to couples getting ready to walk down the aisle into their own happily ever after.

Communication

We all communicate; with our words, our bodies, our choices of behavior and activities. Author Gary Chapman, for example, breaks our communication styles down into five “love languages.” They are: words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, and quality time. Do you know yours? Your partner’s? Do you know how to effectively communicate within them?

Emotional Intimacy

It’s common when hearing the word intimacy to think of the physical aspect. But being able to share our most vulnerable thoughts and feelings and feel respected and cherished are things that set the stage for lasting relationship. And, they precede the most fulfilling physical intimacy. Does your partner share what’s going on in their heart? Do you talk about feelings? Do you feel safe sharing your deepest needs?

Healthy Boundaries

We often make assumptions about how others want to be treated. We also assume that our significant other will know how we want to be treated. Those, though, are often faulty assumptions. For example, if your spouse-to-be grew up in a tightknit extended family and loved spending holidays with dozens of people they may assume you did and enjoyed the same. Or, if your mom has been your trusted confidant all of your life, you might assume your partner will be fine with that continuing. Getting married represents necessary shifts and compromises in some of those areas. It will be important for you to communicate what you need, how you feel about current patterns and priorities, and how you will establish new patterns together that work for both of you. Do you see any patterns that could lead to difficulty in the future?

Whether you are standing in the anticipatory glow of getting married, in a satisfying marriage that just needs a little polish, or in the gloomy shadows of a difficult marriage there is hope for health and happiness. I’d love to connect with you and help you find the tools to make your relationship the best it can be.

Wendy Regner To Have and To Hold Couples Care

Wendy is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Fargo. She is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), American Counseling Association (ACA), a certified SYMBIS pre-marital preparation facilitator, and a certified emotionally focused couples therapy practitioner. She has a passion for helping couples and individuals navigate the challenges life brings and learn to bravely live life to the fullest.