e LOVE respect:

How We Saved Our Marriage

“Why doesn’t he get it?”

I pridefully thought to myself after an explosive argument with my husband about me having to manage everything in our life. Unable to understand why I had to say things a million times before he seemed to hear or even care, I just wanted to give up. Exhausted and tired of having the same argument, I sunk into myself.

Twelve years ago, shortly after saying “I do,” a mentor of mine watched me sink into myself. I divulged no personal information because I had seen how disastrous it can be to confide in people other than your spouse, and whole heartedly believed marriage was private. Out of respect for my husband I chose to only go to him, so my mentor assumed my attitude change was due to the continued difficulties my parents were facing. He recommended that I share the book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs with them.

Little did he know, the book would not change their life, it would change mine.

As I started digging into the book and workbook, I felt God working in me. I became excited about the different future I knew was ahead of us, if I chose to embrace what I was learning.

He needs Respect.

A man deeply desires respect, and when he is not approached in a respectful way communication lines immediately close. An example popped into my head as I started to dig deeper to understand: Women often refer to their husbands as an additional child. It had always made me cringe, and now I fully understood why. Though I had never embraced that phrase, I had disrespected my husband in many other ways and I knew I needed to change my approach if I wanted things to change for us.

She needs Love.

Just as my husband needed to feel respected, I needed to feel loved. But love can be shown in so many different ways and it was unclear to him what made me feel loved. For the first time, we truly became vulnerable sharing what we needed.

He wasn’t going to feel motivated to love me if I didn’t respect him. I wasn’t going to respect him if he wasn’t loving toward me.

So, who should make the first move?

That was one of my favorite parts of the book. The first one to make an effort should be the one that feels most mature and in control at that moment. Sometimes, that was me. Sometimes, that was him. It became a true partnership as we evolved as people and a couple.

My mind shifted from what he wasn’t doing, to what he was doing. And, if there were things that I was frustrated about, I waited until I felt controlled enough to respectfully talk to him about it. He held his head higher because he finally was receiving the respect he deserved. In the days I struggled, he consciously focused on things that made me feel loved and it only motivated me to respect him more because he cared so deeply.

Defining moments happen in all our lives, and in an age of divorce, I wanted a different life. My perspective and understanding of what God wanted marriage to be changed when I read that book. And now, I am most grateful that we are able to give our children the gift my parents couldn’t give to me, a loving and respectful home.