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Se veral years ago, I purchased some new appliances. When I was making the purchase, I inquired to the salesperson about warranty options and care guidelines for them. I purchased the longest warranty possible. When I got them home, I read the owner’s manuals and proceeded to care for them accordingly. Why? Because they were important to me, they added value to my life, I considered them a long-term investment, and I knew that without the care and attention they needed they would break down or wear out more quickly and they would no longer meet my needs. I also knew it was unreasonable to expect that they would not have any needs over time or that they could take care of themselves. So far, they have served me well. Now that they are getting older, I realize I need to give them even more care and attention if I want that to continue as long as possible. So, recently I’ve had routine service done on them and I’ve refreshed my memory of their needs.

While most of us consider these responsibilities obvious when it comes to things like the purchase of cars, houses, appliances and other high value items, all too often we don’t take the same approach to our spouse. Sometimes we give even more time and attention to meeting the needs of ourselves, our kids, friends, extended family or jobs.

How, then, do we expect that the most valuable investment we’ll ever make, our husband or wife, can be at their best long term and want to be with us, if we don’t take care of them. Whether you’ve been married five days, five years, or 50 years, you will always be 100% responsible for your contribution toward the well-being of your relationship. Looking at it another way, you have a tremendous amount of opportunity to have a loving and healthy marriage.

My guess is that in the early stages, you were quite attentive to the needs and nuances of your relationship with each other. So, I know you can do it! Even if it’s been a long time, or the condition of the relationship is in a state of disrepair, or you feel like it’s hopeless, there is always hope!

Start by adjusting your focus. First make a list of the things you (currently or in the past) have enjoyed and appreciated about your spouse. It’s much easier to want to meet another person’s needs when you have fond feelings for the person. Then reflect on the times you have seen him or her happy and fulfilled throughout your relationship. Next, ditch the assumptions and start a conversation. If avoidance or high conflict have been the recent theme in the relationship, this won’t necessarily be easy, but it’s worth it every time. Ask them how they feel — about life, you, their job, their happiness, desires, dreams, needs. Then make an intentional effort to meet some of those needs.

In past articles I’ve discussed languages of love and apology, interpretations of love and of respect. Dust off your resources that help you understand your loved one’s languages and needs. Talk about what fills you up and ask your partner what does that for them. Does he feel most valued when you express admiration or when you sit shoulder to shoulder in a deer stand? Does she feel most loved when you bring her coffee in the morning or when you willingly watch her favorite movie with her (again)? Do you handle bedtime routines with the kids when you’re equally as tired as she is? Do you plan and follow through on date nights?

Choosing to refocus your care and attention on the person you fell in love with will benefit both of you and improve the quality of the relationship for years to come.

* If you feel like your relationship has drifted too far from healthy or it doesn’t feel safe to engage in these conversations, please seek help from a professional counselor.

WENDY REGNER To Have and To Hold Couples Care

Wendy is a licensed professional counselor in private practice at To Have & To Hold Couples Care/Journey of Hope Counseling in Fargo. She is a member of the American Counseling Association (ACA), American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), a lifetime member of the Boundaries.me network, a certified SYMBIS pre-marital preparation facilitator, and a certified emotionally focused couples therapy practitioner. She has a passion for helping couples and individuals navigate the challenges life brings and learn to bravely live life to the fullest.

WORDS : JESSICA HOEPER GRAPHIC : freepik.com