Dear Amanda,

Oh, this question is so meaningful! I have found myself wondering this and I am certain any mom reading this has also wondered, “Is there a perfect way to parent?” The answer is NO. I can tell you that parenting includes ruptures of many kinds, and there is no perfect path. Perfect is a funny word; we say it as if it is actually attainable! Perfect by definition is: completely free from faults or defects. There is no child that is perfect and there are no parents that are perfect. But many parents are GREAT and all kids are GREAT.

The “am I doing this wrong” thinking comes when we do not expect relationship ruptures to be a natural part of parenting. Ruptures will occur and that is okay, but the repair is the sometimes-overlooked necessity to parenting. We all do things that are not perfect, I have yelled over spilled milk when I am at my wits end. And I have felt very guilty about this after the fact, but I now use the guilt as my reminder that a repair is necessary. If I feel guilty about something that occurred between any of my children and myself, then I as the parent am charged with the repair. Love is messy, raw, real and wonderful all at the same time. To parent is to love. To love is to repair.

I remember as a kid my mom had the poem “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Nolte laminated and hung on our refrigerator. This poem has forever stuck with me as one of the greatest parenting reset reads ever. If I feel angry, sad or confused, this poem has helped to reset my mind and give clarity to what I want my kids to learn from me as a parent.

As I talked about in the June.July issue, reflection is the best way I know to gain self-awareness. We can also use it to gain awareness of our parenting patterns. A helpful parenting reflection is to notice the differences in feelings when you “feel like you’ve got this mom thing down” and when you “feel like you’re doing it all wrong.” Feeling like we are doing well comes generally when we are deeply connected to the unique needs of our kids in the moment, so we might feel fun, joy, happiness and satisfaction. Find your themes in the times you feel like you have this parenting thing down and cultivate those moments. I can often evoke the “feel like I’m doing it all wrong” feelings when I am stuck in comparison mode. Think about what evokes for you the feelings of “I’m doing it all wrong.” When you find themes to what makes you feel this way, consider if they are worthy of your feelings or not.

When children live with aware parents, that can acknowledge their own faults and work through repairing ruptures, we build children that can see that the world doesn’t end when we make mistakes, in fact making mistakes is part of the human experience, parenting included!

Amanda, thank you for bringing up this wondering. It is such a meaningful and necessary conversation for women to have with each other!

YOUR FRIEND, Jess

READ THE POEM "Children Learn What They Live" by Dorothy Law Nolte at childrenlearnwhattheylive.com.